FADE IN:

INT. SPACE STATION IN AN IMPLAUSIBLY DENSE ASTEROID FIELD

COMMANDER EXPENDABLE

Ah, look at our all-powerful navigational computer that contains all the information necessary to defeat us. Let's hope that nobody sneaks up on us through this implausibly dense asteroid field and steals it.

The KILRATHI sneak up on them through the implausibly dense ASTEROID FIELD and STEAL it.

INT. A BIG SPACESHIP

DAVID WARNER

It seems the Kilrathi have stolen a plot device. It also seems that our strategy of taking all of our spaceships and parking them in the ass- end of space while leaving Earth totally undefended is not as clever as it first appeared.

INT. A SMALL SPACESHIP

FREDDIE PRINZE JR

David Warner wants us to go to another big spaceship in the ass-end of space, but in the opposite direction, and delay the Kilrathi.

MATTHEW LILLARD

Woo! Yeah! I'm so ker-ayzee! I live for danger! Yeah!

VIDEOGAME FANS IN THE AUDIENCE

Hey, we want to see Mark Hamill and Biff from BACK TO THE FUTURE! And that porno chick!

Because MATTHEW LILLARD is so ker-ayzee and lives for danger, he disobeys orders and puts the ship in DANGER from a WHIRLY THING IN SPACE. Because FREDDIE PRINZE JR is possessed of psychic powers or something he saves the ship.

AUDIENCE

Er... eh?

INT. OTHER BIG SHIP

FREDDIE PRINZE JR, MATTHEW LILLARD and TCHEKY KARYO land on ANOTHER BIG SPACESHIP, commanded by JURGEN PROCHNOW and HERCULE POIROT.

JURGEN PROCHNOW

I will be prejudiced against Freddie Prinze Jr despite him looking like everyone else and there being no reason for his ancestry to be mentioned in his personnel record.

DIRECTOR CHRIS ROBERTS

I am incredibly clever for casting Jurgen Prochnow from DAS BOOT in my movie, because it is basically a World War II submarine movie in space.

AUDIENCE

I can't tell what that German guy is saying.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR and MATTHEW LILLARD meet the other FIGHTER PILOTS on the OTHER BIG SHIP.

FIGHTER PILOTS

We don't like newcomers and we're depressed because we think we're all going to die.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR AND MATTHEW LILLARD

We are teen idols.

FIGHTER PILOTS

Okay, we like you after all.

FEMALE FIGHTER PILOTS

Would you like to have sex with us?

AUDIENCE

Why are they all wearing such stupid hats?

JURGEN PROCHNOW

I hate you, Freddie Prinze Jr.

EXT. SPACE

FREDDIE PRINZE JR goes on a mission with SAFFRON BURROWS.

DIRECTOR CHRIS ROBERTS

Look at these CGI spaceship effects. Aren't they keen?

AUDIENCE

They don't look any better than the ones on BABYLON FI-

DIRECTOR CHRIS ROBERTS

Shut up! Also, don't you think that my deliberately retro-styled spacecraft and sets hark back to World War II movies in a clever and wittily ironic way, it being the future and all the hardware looking like equipment from the past and all?

AUDIENCE

No, it just looks like you had no imagination.

SAFFRON BURROWS

Despite my only having met you a few hours ago and being your superior officer, I am now madly in love with you.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR

Cool.

The KILRATHI attack the OTHER BIG SHIP. Things explode. HERCULE POIROT is hit on the top of his head by a bottle of ketchup and DIES, leaving JURGEN PROCHNOW in command. There is a big yet badly edited space battle, in which TOKEN BLACK CHICK dies because MATTHEW LILLARD is a macho jerk.

MATTHEW LILLARD

Oh no, I'm devastated. I've lost my confidence because of the death of Goose - er, Token Black Chick.

JURGEN PROCHNOW

I really hate you, Freddie Prinze Jr.

The OTHER BIG SHIP hides from the KILRATHI by turning off its lights. A KILRATHI SHIP flies overhead.

TCHEKY KARYO

Be quiet or they'll hear us!

AUDIENCE

But sound doesn't travel through a vacuum.

DIRECTOR CHRIS ROBERTS

Shut up! Shut up! You're spoiling my homage to World War II submarine films!

INT. KILRATHI SHIP

FREDDIE PRINZE JR leads an assault on the KILRATHI SHIP to steal its GAS or something. He is attacked by some RUBBERY ALIENS.

RUBBERY ALIENS

Grrr.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR kills all the RUBBERY ALIENS, despite the scene being shot in such a way that it's IMPOSSIBLE to work out where they are in relation to him.

RUBBERY ALIENS

Aargh.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR

Oh look, it's the stolen plot device, which just happens to be on this exact ship. Better steal it back, I guess.

INT. OTHER BIG SHIP

JURGEN PROCHNOW

I still hate you, Freddie Prinze Jr, but you did recover the plot device so I guess you're not all that bad.

EXT. SPACE

FREDDIE PRINZE JR and SAFFRON BURROWS head off to warn Earth by giving DAVID WARNER the VITAL DATA from the plot device. SAFFRON BURROWS' fighter gets busted up by a SKIPPER MISSILE.

VIDEOGAME FANS IN THE AUDIENCE

At last, something that actually appeared in the games!

FREDDIE PRINZE JR has to leave SAFFRON BURROWS to die in order to save Earth and it's all sad, except that we know SAFFRON BURROWS won't die because she's the ROMANTIC SUBPLOT.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR

Gee, I guess I love you and stuff, and I've got to say something incredibly poignant because of the way we fighter pilots try to deny our feelings for the dead by pretending they never existed.

AUDIENCE

Er, Freddie? Earth? Kilrathi invasion fleet? Clock ticking?

FREDDIE PRINZE JR finally heads for Earth, but is FOLLOWED by a REALLY BIG KILRATHI SHIP. He blows it up by flying into the WHIRLY THING IN SPACE we saw at the beginning.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR

Ha ha, I am so clever and you are so rubbery and fake-looking.

FREDDIE PRINZE JR gives the VITAL DATA to DAVID WARNER, who BLOWS THE SHIT out of the KILRATHI as they leave hyperspace.

AUDIENCE

(monotone)

And there was much rejoicing. Yay.

INT. OTHER BIG SHIP

FREDDIE PRINZE JR returns and gets a hero's welcome. TCHEKY KARYO rescues SAFFRON BURROWS. Everyone is happy.

DIRECTOR CHRIS ROBERTS

See? See? The combination of teen idols and my reputation as a creator of best-selling videogames brought you to the theater, didn't it?

AUDIENCE

Nah, we only came to see the PHANTOM MENACE trailer.

DIRECTOR CHRIS ROBERTS

Shit. Oh well, back to videogames, I suppose. Wonder if Mark Hamill's busy?

JURGEN PROCHNOW

I'm still not all that keen on you, Freddie Prinze Jr.

END