FADE IN:

INT. GREENHOUSE...I THINK?

There are like... worms, and pigs, and... there are these people who are the pigs, because their brains are all... look, I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I just watched. Give me a minute.

(SEVERAL WEEKS PASS)

Okay, I think I get it now.

INT. YES, GREENHOUSE

THIAGO MARTINS has discovered a type of ROUNDWORM that causes PSYCHIC POWERS.

THIAGO MARTINS

Holy shit, if two people drink the microscopic blue spores or whatever it is that comes out of this worm, they get psychically connected with each other! This is one of the most incredible scientific discoveries in human history! ...But if I administer the spores in a very specific way, they put the subject into a highly suggestible trance state, JUST LIKE MANY EXISTING DRUGS!!! That's CLEARLY the aspect that I should pursue here.

He abducts AMY SEIMETZ and DRUGS HER WITH THE SPORES.

THIAGO MARTINS

All right, now to keep you as a drugged-up hostage in your own home.

AMY SEIMETZ

But if I go missing for several days or weeks or some unclear amount of time, isn't my home the obvious first place people will come look for me?

THIAGO MARTINS

(hypnotically)

MY SCHEME MAKES SENSE. YOU FEEL NO NEED TO QUESTION MY SCHEME.

AMY SEIMETZ

Makes... sense... yes...

THIAGO MARTINS

Now I will control you into liquidating all of your financial assets and turning them over to me... but first, a bunch of bizarre random junk like making you copy out the entire text of Walden and make a paper chain out of it.

AMY SEIMETZ

Well - maybe that's just for when you need to keep me occupied for some amount of time? I mean, it's not like you can just tell me to stare at a painting for hours or anything.

THIAGO MARTINS

Actually, I have you do exactly that at one point.

AMY SEIMETZ

...Hm. Okay then, let's just file the Walden thing with about half the movie under the heading, "unexplained crap".

AMY goes to her BANK and gets a home equity line of credit.

BANK MANAGER

Lucky for you we don't mind letting people make important transactions like this while behaving like they're stoned out of their gourds!

AMY SEIMETZ

And I will also give Thiago access to the stash of gold and guns that I have hidden under my floorboards. Uh, I guess I was preparing for the apocalypse?

THIAGO cleans AMY out and then leaves. The SPORES OR WHATEVER hatch and WORMS GROW UNDER AMY'S SKIN, so now the audience has their nightmares figured out for the next year or so.

EXT. PIG FARM

AMY is drawn by a WEIRD NOISE out to a PIG FARM where FARMER ANDREW SENSENIG is PLAYING HUGE SPEAKERS INTO THE GROUND.

AMY SEIMETZ

Are we really expecting people to believe I could pick up that sound from like thirty miles away?

ANDREW SENSENIG

Maybe? Are we sure that's even what's happening? I could be playing these things to repel the mole people, for all the clarity we get in this movie.

ANDREW takes the WORMS out of AMY and puts them in a PIG instead.

ANDREW SENSENIG

Now you are psychically connected to this pig. And I will put it with the other pigs, and each day I'll go and sense the psychically-connected pig people, and just sort of watch them do stuff, and that's MY use for this astonishing natural phenomenon. I guess we're not exactly big-picture thinkers around these parts.

ANDREW dumps AMY unconscious in her car in the middle of the freeway. She wakes up with NO MEMORY OF WHAT HAPPENED.

AMY SEIMETZ

I'm in the middle of nowhere, I'm missing several weeks and I've got unexplained injuries! I better tell people! ...that I've had the flu. For some reason.

She DOES THIS and winds up GETTING FIRED.

INT. SUBWAY, ONE YEAR LATER

AMY meets FELLOW WORM VICTIM SHANE CARRUTH.

SHANE CARRUTH

Hello. I find myself mysteriously drawn to you.

AMY SEIMETZ

Likewise. It's like we have a connection. Like, a weird mental link over some kind of psychic pig network.

SHANE CARRUTH

It doesn't kill the romantic aspect of the movie that what we think is chemistry between us is mostly just our brains being accidentally smushed together, does it?

AMY SEIMETZ

Nah, there's no healthier basis for a relationship than a shared history of life-destroying trauma we don't even consciously remember.

They go on an indeterminate number of FROWNY, ANXIOUS DATES over an indeterminate period of time.

AMY SEIMETZ

Huh, isn't it weird how we each always seem to know what the other is doing and feeling even when we're nowhere near one another?

SHANE CARRUTH

Not as weird as how we can't even keep straight whose childhood memories are whose.

AMY SEIMETZ

Man, how long are we going to go on like this without figuring out about the whole psychic connection thing?

They proceed to MOVE IN TOGETHER and GET MARRIED while never realizing they essentially LIVE IN THE SAME BRAIN.

SHANE CARRUTH

Not much of a brain, by the sounds of things.

EXT. PIG FARM

Meanwhile back at the pig farm, AMY AND SHANE'S PIGS are also hooking up and they have PIGLETS, which is all kinds of creepy when you consider the IMPLIED VICARIOUS PIG SEX.

ANDREW SENSENIG

Well, I could just raise the piglets, as this is a pig farm. Or I've got an offer to put them up at a petting zoo. But instead I think I'll just shove 'em in a sack and drown them, for reasons which the audience would surely be able to follow if only they were smarter.

(stares disapprovingly at audience, shaking head slowly and going 'tut tut tut')

He DUMPS THE PIGLETS IN A RIVER. The piglets DROWN and DECOMPOSE and SPORES WASH DOWNSTREAM and GET INTO THE ROOTS OF AN ORCHID and WORMS INFEST THE ROOTS, and it turns out THAT'S WHERE THIAGO GETS THEM.

ANDREW SENSENIG

So that's how he gets a steady, reliable supply? Jesus, how many pigs do I drown anyway?

THIAGO MARTINS

Shh, I think this is where the movie justifies its title and I'm trying to figure it out... so the orchid gets colored blue because of spores that come from upstream... man, that's obscure.

INT. POOL

One day when AMY is COLLECTING ROCKS (for no apparent reason) that are at the bottom of a public swimming pool (for no apparent reason) she starts babbling a bunch of Walden (for no apparent reason).

SHANE CARRUTH

Luckily I'm here (for no apparent reason) to hear this, and it's niggling my subconscious into finally realizing what the hell is going on with our brains!

AMY SEIMETZ

Let's use this information to locate the pig farm, somehow!

They find the PIG FARM, and AMY shoots ANDREW.

AMY SEIMETZ

THAT'S FOR DROWNING MY PSYCHIC PIG BABIES, JERK! Or at least, I think that's my motive for killing you. Your guess is as good as mine, to be honest.

ANDREW SENSENIG

Wow, if this is my comeuppance, I can't imagine what fate awaits Thiago.

AMY SEIMETZ

Well, since you won't be around to drown any more piglets, that's his brainworm supply cut off, and he's OUT OF BUSINESS, BABY! Ha!

ANDREW SENSENIG

Oh, come on! I get shot in the heart for committing pigleticide, but the brainwashing kidnapper thief who ruined your life just has to stop doing that? No fair!

(dies)

AMY SEIMETZ

And now to find the remaining people in the psychic pig network, and we can turn this place into some kind of commune and live happily ever after. I mean, when you kill somebody, you get to keep his stuff, right?

The film is CHOPPED INTO CONFETTI and REASSEMBLED BY BLIND MONKS, causing parody script authors to be only like sixty percent sure that anything they just wrote was accurate.

SHANE CARRUTH

At least it was easier to follow than Primer.

END.