FADE IN:

INT. SANATORIUM

TOBEY MAGUIRE is talking to his doctor in the VOICE of DESPAIR.

DR. JACK THOMPSON

Tobey, you have something called "morbid alcoholism", depression, and insomnia, among some other things. What could you have possibly DONE to cause this?

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Oh I will tell you what I DID. It involves love, sex, betrayal, wealth, jealousy, infidelity, decadence, and I don't want to get you too excited but someone is going to literally throw themselves into oncoming traffic.

DR. JACK THOMPSON

This should be fun.

INT.1922

Women are dancing, bottles are bursting, Wall Street is bumbling, rap music is playing, and TOBEY MAGUIRE is standing around doe eyed and amazed at absolutely every thing he looks at.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

I live in an old groundskeepers cottage in the middle of a shitload of castles in a city called West Egg. All of my neighbors are insanely rich, especially the guy who lives directly next door, and who is a TOTAL MYSTERY. Across the way in East Egg, is my cousin Carey Mulligan and her husband Joel Edgerton.

INT. DAISY AND JOEL'S HOUSE

TOBEY goes to visit CAREY and JOEL.

JOEL EDGERTON

Tobey! So good to see you since the college days! I've been busy banging your cousin and nobody else at all-

(interrupted by telephone)

I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME HERE!

(back to TOBEY)

HAHAHAHA! That was... . Anyhoo, lets go see Carey!

TOBEY and JOEL walk into a room where white veils are inexplicably flying around the room.

CAREY MULLIGAN

Well hi there my adoring cousin. Golly gee I was so bored I was literally giggling at my own fingertips and had my minions fly veils around me.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Right I do that sometimes.

CAREY MULLIGAN

Meet my friend, Elizabeth Debicki, she's a famous female golfer. Her expression will almost never change from this one right here. It's somewhere near the expression one might make when they realize someone has tracked dog shit into the house. Sometimes, though very rarely, it might look like someone slightly more surprised that someone tracked dog shit in the house.

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

I also look like about five different actresses, none of which are me, so don't bother wondering anymore.

After the minions choreograph opening windows in whimsical amusement, JOEL, TOBEY, and ELIZABETH have dinner.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Right so I live right next door to this guy named Leonardo Dicaprio.

CAREY MULLIGAN

What's that now? Dicaprio? Did you say Dicaprio? Dicaprio you say?

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

I've met him once. I don't know anything about him either so that's all I can offer at the moment.

JOEL EDGERTON

Not only am I cheating on my wife, I am also a horrible racist spouting shit that need not be repeated. Just hate the living fuck out me, ok?

TOBEY MAGUIRE

He's a pretty terrible man.

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

Well when he invites you out, you're going to go with him nonetheless.

INT. SANATORIUM

DR. JACK THOMPSON

So, you still haven't gotten to anything you actually, you know DID.

TOBEY MAQUIRE

I don't want to talk about this.

DR. JACK THOMPSON

You- you've been doing that for about forty minutes so... oh whatever. Here, write it down.

INT. 1922

JOEL invites TOBEY to go to the city with him, and TOBEY goes even though JOEL is a GIANT ASSHOLE.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

So, to get from the Egg Cities to New York City, you have to pass through Satan's colon?

JOEL EDGERTON

Yep. With a billboard with giant eyes looking down on you at all times, you see, that's symbolic for-

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Stop right there. You do not have to say what that is symbolic for. If it is actually spoken in this movie what that is symbolic for, then we will all know that the writers of this movie will assume the audience has the IQ of about 50.

JOEL EDGERTON

We're going to stop at this mechanic shop so that I can tell my mistress, Isla Fisher, to meet me later, pretty much directly in front of her husband Jason Clarke, who is fucking nuts.

INT. ISLA'S MISTRESS PAD

JOEL and ISLA fuck loudly in the next room while some LADIES come over and they all get drunk. ISLA runs out of the room shouting Carey's name and Joel PUNCHES HER IN THE FUCKING FACE. TOBEY responds like any true gentleman would and hides on the fire escape.

INT. LEO'S HOUSE

TOBEY gets an invitation to go to LEONARDO'S house to a party where literally everybody attends except for CAREY and JOEL. There are dancers, confetti, music, alcohol, actresses, alcohol, mobsters, dancers, and alcohol.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Hey has anyone met Leonardo?

RANDOM STRANGERS

I hear he's a murderer! I hear he's a prince! I hear he's a prince murderer! Nobody has ever seen Leonardo Dicaprio and nobody ever will. He's an enigma! He's in your imagination! He IS your imagination!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO is standing in the middle of everyone.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Oh hi! Were you looking for me?

TOBEY MAGUIRE

What the fuck?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Yeah. Turns out my identity is in no way a secret whatsoever and I have no idea why we spent so long making it look that way. What's truly a secret is my- oh wait I'm called away on business. See ya!

LEONARDO disappears while a servant tells ELIZABETH he wants to talk to her in private. She shows back up at the end of the party.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Of good you're back. This party has gotten to that wrapping up part where the lesbians singing on top of the piano are starting to feel each other up. You know, as parties do. Anyway, what did you learn?

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

I know a secret!

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Tell me! What's the secret?!

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

I can't! I promised I wouldn't tell! I promised!

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Well then why the fuck would you even tell me there is a secret?

A few days later, LEONARDO picks up TOBEY in his very indiscreet canary colored customized vehicle, which will not have any significance at all.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Let me tell you THE TRUTH about myself. You see, THE TRUTH is I was born rich, my whole rich family is dead, I went to Oxford, and I'm a war hero. Did I mention I was born rich? Did you hear me? Did you want to jot it down? Born Rich. Ivy League education.

TOBEY MAQUIRE

You seem to be lying.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

What? Why? No way. All true. Promise.

They go into a Barber Shop that leads into an underground club. LEONARDO introduces his business partner AMITABH BACHCHAN to TOBEY.

AMITABH BACHCHAN

Isn't it amazing how true it is that Leo came from such prosperous background? Anyway, I'm going to awkwardly drop out of nowhere something about other people's wives.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Other people's wives?

TOBEY MAGUIRE

(stares slack jawed)

JOEL EDGERTON

Wives?

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Oh hi, Joel. Fancy seeing you here.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

(vanishes)

Later on TOBEY has lunch with ELIZABETH.

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

So now I'm going to tell you THE TRUTH about Leo.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Yeah, oh but wait he already told me the TRUTH. Is this ANOTHER TRUTH?

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

Yes this is another TRUTH. The one about how I met him five years ago at Carey's parents house before she married Joel, he went by the name Leornard Dicap. I don't have a clue why I didn't recognize him in the first time I met him. Anyway, he was an officer in the war. They were in love. He left, didn't come back, and she married Joel. He throws these parties in the hopes that she would go to one. AND he moved into the castle across the bay from her house on purpose. The day before she married Joel she got a letter, flipped the mother fuck out not wanting to marry him, but did anyway.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Huh. I feel like he could have just, you know, called her. But whyyyyy did she marry Joel?

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

I saw her later and she was so in love with him. A week after that he got into a car accident and he was with a hotel maid. They had to leave Chicago because of the scandal. And then she stayed married to him because who the fuck knows.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Well then she should have no problem at all choosing between these two.

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

I know, but anyway. Could you invite Carey out for tea so he can happen by your house when she's there?

TOBEY MAGUIRE

You mean, a man with all of his resources could not think of a better way to happen upon his ex-girlfriend? But yeah sure whatever. Tea.

The next day, LEO has his minions turn TOBEY'S house into what looks like something Liberace threw up.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Dammit she was supposed to be here at 4:00 and it is 3:59. I'm out.

CAREY pulls up. LEO vanishes.

CAREY MULLIGAN

Wow! Look at all the flowers! You must be in love with me!

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Jesus all your lines are fucking grating.

LEO shows up at the door soaking wet because it's raining (and because everyone wants to see LEONARDO DICAPRIO wet, cold and dead) walks in front of CAREY who stares at him like a sad albino fetus. Days occur in a messy scramble and all three of them swim, eat and dance.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

LOOK AT ALL THE MON- I MEAN SHIRTS I HAVE! On top of my balcony in a circle above my bed. What an odd place to have a closet. Anyway, I like to propel these on top of my dates in a giant pile on my bed.

CAREY MULLIGAN

(has a meltdown)

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Well I'm still here... for some reason. This story still has very little to do with me. Huh. Wonder if that will change. But I guess I'll tell the other TRUTH now. This would be the third truth if you aren't keeping track. Turns out, Leonard Dicap was a poor. He learned how to act rich by some rich guy but didn't get rich from that guy because why would he? So he had to make himself rich some other way, so that's the TRUTH.

INT. LEO'S HOUSE

LEO throws a party and invites JOEL and CAREY to come. LEO and CAREY disappear behind a tree while JOEL disappears inside a famous actress.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

This is all for you. I threw all these parties so that you could come to them, I bought this castle so you could live in it with me. What do you think?

CAREY MULLIGAN

Lets run away together!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

What? No. That's not the plan.

They KISS.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Um. Carey. Most people have seen me make sweet sexual sexy sex with a lot of leading ladies in various movies, and I could pretty much turn this tree into butter if I want to. Loosen up. And it might help to look like you are interested or at least intrigued about almost embarking on an extramarital affair.

TOBEY interrupts them.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Hey guys? Joel is done with that actress and is looking for Carey. He was pretty much staring directly at this tree.

LEO stops having parties but CAREY sneaks into his castle and has SEX with him. For some inexplicable reason, LEO invites all four of them over for the most disastrous dinner party ever.

JOEL EDGERTON

I don't think you are who you say you are. We should know the TRUTH.

LEO tries to hold CAREY'S hand.

CAREY MULLIGAN

(freaking the fuck out)

Oh! HAHA! I have no idea what else to do so lets go to the CITY! Why you ask? Jesus I have no fucking idea why.

They DO. They stop at JASON'S GAS station in Satan's asshole so that ISLA can see JOEL is driving the yellow car.

INT. INCREDIBLY FUCKING HOT HOTEL ROOM

JOEL EDGERTON

You are a CROOK and that's THE TRUTH!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

It's only mostly because of prohibition, so nobody cares. There is no greater antagonist than prohibition. You're a racist, misogynist, woman beating, elitist prick. Not to mention your mustache is terrible. This should be no dilemma for her. Carey! Tell him you never loved him! It can't just be that you don't love him anymore, it MUST be that you NEVER loved him.

CAREY MULLIGAN

Oh. Golly gee darn I just don't know...

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

REALLY? You're having a problem choosing between us two?

TOBEY MAGUIRE

WHY ARE WE HERE RIGHT NOW!

ELIZABETH DEBICKI

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW!!!

JOEL EDGERTON

Leo, you aren't like us. Despite the fact that nobody today gives a shit that rich people used to be poor, they did in 1922. And so, you suck and have horseshit for blood. You shitty piss stain.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

(attacks Joel)

I FUCKING HATE YOU I WANT TO FORCE YOU TO EAT YOUR OWN DICK.

CAREY relies on her default mode and has a meltdown.

JOEL EDGERTON

Yeah. This is over between you two. Nod your head wifey. Now lets go drive home. Except you drive home with Leo in his yellow car.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

What? Why would you.. WHAT?

LEO and CAREY leave. In the BOWELS OF HELL, ISLA is getting beaten by her husband JASON. She thinks LEO'S car is JOEL so she runs out in the middle of the fucking street. The car hits her and then drives away, solidifying that if you were ever supposed to like those people, you don't now. ISLA dies.

JOEL EDGERTON arrives at the garage and shows emotion when he learns that his mistress is dead.

JASON CLARK

You did this! I saw you in this car earlier!

JOEL EDGERTON

Please. I would never own a yellow car. It belongs to Leo. He must have been the one boning your wife.

JOEL, TOBEY and ELZABETH go home in cold silence. TOBEY leaves JOEL'S to find LEO hiding in the bushes.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

You killed a woman! You fuck!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

She tried to steer- I mean I tried to steer the car away...

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Oh. So Carey was driving? And she's going to let you take all the blame?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

She'd never!

She DOES. TOBEY finds that CAREY has reunited with JOEL despite all logic whatsoever. Everybody goes home.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Wait, Tobey. I have to tell you the truth.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

I already know it. Seriously all of it. Why are we doing this?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Well, in the letter I wrote to Carey on her wedding day that made her have one of her classic Carey meltdowns and not want to marry Joel.. I told her-

TOBEY MAGUIRE

YES??

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

That I was poor.

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Oh Jesus Christ.

LEO retells the entire backstory to TOBEY even though everybody already knows absolutely everything he is saying.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Well good night, now. I might have a swim tomorrow.

The next day, LEO waits for CAREY to call but she doesn't. JASON comes over instead and shoots him in the back. He dies in slow motion.

TOBEY MAGUIRE (V.O)

And so nobody came to his funeral because everyone thought he plowed down Isla. Carey never told anyone she did it. She just moved and didn't even go to his funeral. Basically, she fucking sucks. And I did the worst thing of all.

EVERYONE

OH THANK YOU CHRIST. What did you DO?

TOBEY MAGUIRE

Nothing. I did nothing. Through this whole movie. I just sat around, drinking, and watching these horrible people destroy themselves. But I feel bad for Leo. So I'm insane now. Oh and those eyes looking down into Satan's bowels? That symbolized God.

EVERYONE

Man. Fuck you.

Everyone leaves the theater wishing they were being fed alcohol through an IV straight into their veins.

END.