FADE IN:

EXT. TRAINYARD

Various FOREMEN operate TRAINS for the smallest amount of time possible to establish that the movie involves trains before the audience loses interest.

T.J. MILLER

For this movie to get exciting we need someone to disengage all of this train's failsafes, put it on autopilot, then hop out. But where are we going to find an actor who is both fat and dumb looking enough to pull this off believably?

ETHAN SUPPLEE

It's the role I was born to play.

TRAIN

See ya!

(speeds off)

Train supervisor ROSARIO DAWSON arrives moments too late.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Ethan, what were you thinking? Despite being the most inept train conductor ever, I'm going to expect you to fix this situation rather than fire you on the spot. Get going!

ETHAN SUPLEE

I'm on it, boss. Uh, can I borrow your car? Mine got away from me after I got out to pick up a discarded twinkie.

The RUNAWAY TRAIN nearly collides with a train full of CHILDREN who are on a field trip about train safety. The irony is lost on everyone.

INT. TRAIN CONTROL CENTER

ROSARIO DAWSON

That was close! Get me Kevin Dunn, the ludicrously evil CEO of TrainCorp Int'l.

KEVIN DUNN

This better be important, I'm busy! Those baby seals aren't going to club themselves, you know.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Sir, one of our trains is out of control and we just found out that it's carrying nothing but nitroglycerin, plutonium, C4, and a single vial of Chuck Norris's sperm!

KEVIN DUNN

Sounds like any collision would result in a fallout the likes of which have never been seen before. Well, good luck! I've got tee time in fifteen.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Yeah, I get that according to Hollywood every CEO is a total douchebag, but we should probably derail the train before it heads into populated areas.

KEVIN DUNN

Preposterous! I didn't claw my way up the corporate ladder just to spend time doing actual work.

EXT. PODUNK, PA

An auto accident occurs seconds before the train passes, causing a trailer carrying two HORSES to stop right on the train tracks. The stakes for this imminent crash feel much higher than the train full of CHILDREN, for some reason.

INT. TRAIN CONTROL CENTER

ROSARIO DAWSON

The horses are saved! Kevin Dunn, you've got to reconsider derailing the train. It will be in major cities soon and tens of thousands will die!

KEVIN DUNN

(wiping his ass with hundred dollar bills)

What would that do to our stock?

ROSARIO DAWSON

Seriously? You really just asked that?

KEVIN DUNN

Yep.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Uh, I guess it would go down.

KEVIN DUNN

Hmm...then we should probably stop this train, I suppose...

(puts out his cigar in a puppy's eye)

Okay, let's get at least three police and news helicopters out there to monitor the train's progress.

ROSARIO DAWSON

Because that way they'll have a bird's eye view of the whole situation?

KEVIN DUNN

No! The helicopters are forbidden to fly any more than ten feet above the train for the rest of the movie.

ROSARIO DAWSON

But what's the point?

KEVIN DUNN

It's more intense that way! Alright, here's the plan. We're going to have a bunch of state troopers fire shotgun rounds at the train as it speeds past. You know, to hit the small button that's irresponsibly located right next to the fuel tank.

This actually happens. Amazingly, the TRAIN doesn't explode!

ROSARIO DAWSON

(sarcastically)

I can't believe that didn't work! You know, you could at least pretend to come up with some good ideas here. Oh, if only there was a pair of mismatched conductors who would risk their lives to stop this train!

INT. DENZEL WASHINGTON'S TRAIN

TRAIN TRAINER DENZEL WASHINGTON trains TRAINEE CHRIS PINE to keep trains in good train.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

I'm seasoned and old, but you're young and spry! We couldn't possibly have anything in common.

CHRIS PINE

I have a failing relationship with my wife and son.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

I have a failing relationship with my daughters. We have something in common! Let's bond!

CHRIS PINE

If only there was some imminent dramatic event that would allow us to be heroes and reunite us with our estranged families.

(pause)

Jiminy Jillikers! There's a runaway train barreling straight for us!

DENZEL'S TRAIN makes it to the sidetracks just before colliding with the runaway TRAIN.

INT. TRAIN CONTROL CENTER

KEVIN DUNN

I've got a solution! Let's send another train in front of the runaway train to slow it down!

ROSARIO DAWSON

That would never work!

It DOESN'T!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(via radio)

What if we back my train up into the runaway train?

ROSARIO DAWSON

That just might work!

It DOES!

INT. DENZEL'S TRAIN

DENZEL WASHINGTON

So tell me, Chris, why aren't you close to your wife anymore?

CHRIS PINE

She put a restraining order on me because I threatened her cop friend at gunpoint.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

Why'd you do that?

CHRIS PINE

(smiles knowingly)

Cuz King Kong ain't got shit on me!

DENZEL WASHINGTON

I get it. "TRAIN"ing Day.

(they high five)

ROSARIO DAWSON

(via radio)

Sorry to interrupt the precious broment, but we're about to enter the hairpin curve scene, which is an absolute requirement for any movie about a runaway vehicle.

CHRIS PINE

(doing his best Keanu Reeves impression)

Whoa. Okay, I need everyone on this side of the bus now!

ROSARIO DAWSON

Oh, and if the train flies off the curve you will undoubtedly crash into one of the giant fuel tanks located directly between a Baby Daycare and a Cuddly Kittenz Animal Shelter.

The TRAIN slows enough to make the turn, but leans ever-so-slightly off the track, subsequently knocking down dozens of TELEPHONE POLES and POWER LINES, located mere inches from the TRAIN.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

I have an idea. I'm going to run across the top of the train to get to the engine car at the front and disengage the auto-pilot.

CHRIS PINE

This probably should have been the first thing we thought of after connecting our train, huh?

DENZEL makes his way down the train until he comes to an impassable ten foot jump.

DENZEL WASHINGTON

There's no way I can possibly make this jump!

ROSARIO DAWSON

(via radio)

Chris, I'm sending a pickup truck to you so you can make a ten foot jump twice: once from the back of the train to the truck, and again from the truck to the front of the train.

CHRIS PINE

You do know that just two scenes ago my foot was crushed between two fifty-ton train cars, right? The low-flying news choppers got a great shot of it. If Denzel admits he couldn't make a jump like that, what makes you think a white guy with a broken foot could do it twice?

DENZEL WASHINGTON

(smiles knowingly)

Just do it on the count of Pelham 1 2 3.

CHRIS PINE

Okay, I'll give it a shot. Wait, wasn't this was one of the first things they tried in the beginning of the movie? It didn't work then, so it certainly shouldn't work now.

It DOES!

END.