Still a better love story than Warm Bodies
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SWISS ARMY MAN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. DESERTED ISLAND

We open on a DESERTED ISLAND where PAUL DANO is alone and about to hang himself.

PAUL DANO

I'm so sad and alone, just your typical depressed loner that will experience an emotional journey. Feel free to relate.

Suddenly, a DEAD BODY/FIGMENT OF HIS IMAGINATION named DANIEL RADCLIFFE washes up on the beach.

PAUL DANO

(shocked)

Could this be? A solution to my inescapable dilemma?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(farts)

PAUL DANO

Welp, that was pretty funny, not much chance of seeing that again.

PAUL DANO ties a rope to DANIEL RADCLIFFE and rides him like a flatulence powered jetski through the water. But is it REALLY HAPPENING? Who can say?

Clearly, ART has no satisfying explanation.

INT. CAVE

PAUL DANO drags DANIEL RADCLIFFE inside to take shelter from the rain.

PAUL DANO

Huh, a phone. How did that not get completely destroyed by the ocean hopping we just did? We literally crossed an ocean to get here. What is it, a Nokia?

PAUL DANO opens the phone to find a creepy pic of MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD.

PAUL DANO

My mom used to sing me this song every night but I somehow don't know the words. Being stuck on an island does shit to you you could not believe.

PAUL DANO starts to sing a depressed lullabye and DANIEL RADCLIFFE stays still, unnerved by his demented wails of poor songwriting.

To break the awkward tension, DANIEL RADCLIFFE releases a geyser of ocean water into PAUL DANO's face with the force of the mighty ocean tides.

PAUL DANO

This is amazing, it seems like every feasable problem I could face will simply be solved by you!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Yep! No survival challenges at all!

PAUL DANO

You can talk! Corpse, you've got yourself a friend in me.

Warm fuzzies are exchanged.

EXT. FOREST

DANIEL RADCLIFFE lies at the bottom of a trench as PAUL DANO stands over him like a freshly killed deer.

PAUL DANO

Check this out! I found some porn in a foxhole while searching for the cops!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Cops?

PAUL DANO

You're a talking corpse who farts uncontrollably, either I'm crazy or you're a missing Area 51 project.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(nervous)

Tell me about the porn Paul!

PAUL DANO

(Flipping through pages)

Check out these sports models. Like her, let's give her a name like...

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Hermione!

PAUL DANO

Man, when I was a kid I found all kinds of porn capsules in the woods. Might be resemblent of my Peter Pan syndrome.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Make that extra obvious, just for the audience's sake.

While PAUL DANO releases REPRESSED MEMORIES, DANIEL RADCLIFFE receives the almighty COMPASS BONER.

PAUL DANO

The TRUE NORTH TROMBONE! There can only be one explanation, you're a wizard!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Nope, my penis just happens to be the most powerful magnet known to man.

PAUL DANO

Right, lead on Daniel, use that iron dick to good use!

EXT. FOREST TOWN

PAUL DANO and DANIEL RADCLIFFE have constructed a serial killer hut in the middle of the forest. OR IS IT? What if the HUT is a HALLUCINATION?

PAUL DANO

(opens phone)

DANIEL, This is your phone, we need to find Mary.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Wait, how do you know her name if this is my phone?

PAUL DANO

Never mind that, let's have a Jeffrey Dahmer Esque montage where I'll dress like a woman, and you can be all "Weekend at Bernies".

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Sounds weird and borderline insane, but since you have exhibited no other type of behaviour let's do it!

Cue said montage where PAUL DANO and DANIEL RADCLIFFE do activities like drinking, going out partying and breaking copyright laws while watching shadow films. DANIEL RADCLIFFE also uses the MIGHTY HAND OF DESTINY to chop trees in half and kill various small animals. All of this is scored by an incessantly annoying song that describes everything happening in the scene. BUT WHAT IF the montage isn't real, man? It's all ABSTRACT and saying it's ABSTRACT means it's ART, point proven.

INT. HUT

PAUL DANO is teaching DANIEL RADCLIFFE how to talk to women.

PAUL DANO

Now Daniel, being a late 20's man, I am perfectly qualified to teach you how to be a player. Ignore the general dishevelment and stalker tendencies.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Gotta say Paul, you're looking pretty fine dressed up in forest drag, how about we go swimming fully clothed?

Cue an underwater sequence where PAUL DANO and DANIEL RADCLIFFE share a touching, emotional MAN ON DEAD BODY lip lock. REPRESSED HOMOSEXUALITY? TRANSGENDERISM?

Clearly the world is not ready to decipher ARTISTIC NECROPHILIA.

PAUL DANO

I've been creepy and strange this whole film, but kissing a dead body is too much for me! Even if it did release some pent up FRUSTRATION WITH LIFE.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

You're right, a gay necrophiliac relationship might be a tad too far for indie film. Besides, I, have to go find my reverse Corpse Bride.

PAUL DANO

About that... turns out this whole time that was my phone and my screensaver of a random bus woman.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Excuse me what the fuck?

PAUL DANO

Yeah, so I never really had the courage to talk to her and instead decided to take a sneaky pic with my phone and set it as my screensaver.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

The goal of that being?

PAUL DANO

I..I...I'm not sure. Something about Nihlism? Lack of a STRONG FATHER FIGURE?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

If it's good enough for Neuchâtel Film Festival, it's good enough for me.

Then a BEAR attacks out of nowhere to create suspense.

PAUL DANO

Oh shit a bear! Maybe we would have been better to create some survival tools rather than dick around making a hippie haven.

BEAR

Yes, I am your holy comeuppance! Beware the wrath of... MAN VS NATURE!

PAUL DANO

Daniel, save me!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Okay, I'm your friend again after two minutes!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE releases a BALL OF FIRE from his anus to instantly incinerate the bear.

PAUL DANO

Thanks Daniel, I'm going to pass out now for plot contrivances.

True to his word, PAUL DANO passes out.

EXT. HOUSE

PAUL DANO wakes up to DANIEL RADCLIFFE dragging him out near the yard of MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD with a young ANTONIA RIBERO playing there.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Look Paul! we found Mary's house. Now she will truly accept me as her zombie lover.

PAUL DANO

No Daniel, I still want to be with you!

Young ANTONIA RIBERO sits stunned as PAUL DANO grapples with a corpse/figment of his imagination. She is amused by this AVANT GARDE SURREALISM and chooses not to interfere.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

What are you rascals up to?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh shit! Quick Paul now that she's here you can be with her!

PAUL DANO

Daniel, she has a fucking husband and kid, what do you think is going to happen?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(dies)

Uncertain.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD watches as PAUL DANO clutches a dead body/figment of his imagination and justifiably calls the police.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

Hey, even though you traumatized my kid, I'm going to treat you like a child instead of a dangerous criminal.

Ten seconds later the POLICE arrive with a NEWS REPORTER and RICHARD GROSS.

POLICEMAN

Alright, we found his number in your phone, could you please examine this corpse with the complete stranger who uncovered it?

RICHARD GROSS

Oh begads! I can tell it is him, even though i haven't opened the bag. Woe is me!

PAUL DANO

Seriously Dad, I'm right fucking here.

RICHARD GROSS

My beautiful boy! Look how they massacred my boy!

PAUL DANO stands confused as now AMNESIA is a given part of this story. Two POLICEMAN take MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD besides and show her the stalker pics from the man she just saved.

NEWS REPORTER

Ready Paul? It hasn't even been five minutes yet and we are going to milk this for a story.

PAUL DANO

Hi everyone, I'm Paul and this corpse here saved my life with his COMPASS BONER and MIGHTY HAND OF DESTINY. Am I getting paid for this?

NEWS REPORTER

Truly a tragic tale. Tune in after the break for a story about a DOG who cared a little too much!

PAUL DANO unzips the body bag and runs away with DANIEL RADCLIFFE. You see SIMPLETONS, the BODY BAG represents the FAILINGS OF MODERN MEDICINE, try to beat that.

EXT. BEACH

PAUL DANO

I'm so sorry Daniel, for treating you like my personal slave and Swiss Army knife.

Suddenly the whole cast appears and confronts him on the beach.

PAUL DANO

See everyone? This man here helped me express who I TRULY AM! Even if who I am is not CLEARLY DEFINED!

POLICEMAN

You're coming back to the station pal.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE releases a massive steamy fart.

PAUL DANO

Wait that wasn't me...

DANIEL RADCLIFFE farts his way back into the ocean, skipping across the water like a huge farting rock. Any ambiguity has been shattered as the whole crowd watches with awe realizing that ART, sometimes, isn't the best and is encapsulated in an hour of SMOKING WEED and BRAINSTORMING.

PAUL DANO

Goodbye, my friend. I will always remember you as either a figment of my imagination to drive me towards SELF ACTUALIZATION... also as a dead man that I played with in the woods.

POLICEMAN

You realize you're still going to jail right?

PAUL DANO

(staring into the sunset)

That'll do Daniel, That'll do.

The credits fade to black as the AUDIENCE struggles to comprehend what they just watched. DANIEL KWAN and DANIEL SCHEINERT finally finish the WORLD RECORD BLUNT they were smoking in time for SUNDANCE.

END

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