FADE IN:

INT. SUBURBAN HOME SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS

SOME FAMILY is having a party. Suddenly, an ATOMIC BOMB explodes outside!

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE (V.O.)

In 2008 Iraq, Iran, Syria, Afghanistan and North Korea decided to tell America to go fuck itself by dropping a nuclear bomb on it.

GUY AT THE PARTY

What? Those countries can barely look after themselves, how the hell did they manage to get together and butt-fuck America without anybody noticing?

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE (V.O.)

Their hatred of America was strong.

ANOTHER GUY AT THE PARTY

If they hated America so much, why didn't they drop their nuke on, say, Washington or Chicago where the population and density is greater? Why suburban Texas?!

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE (V.O.)

Uh, the motivation of the enemy is a mystery, like the mystery of life, and God, and the universe itself, man!

LITTLE GIRL AT THE PARTY

Goddammit, it's gonna be one of THOSE movies.

EXT. BEACH

A MASSIVE MACHINE TOWER stands in the middle of the water, shooting a constant stream of silver into the sky from its tip.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE (V.O.)

Since America was now at war with all the countries that had the oil, we needed an alternative source of energy and we needed it fast. Our solution: we let a clearly insane German scientist build this machine for us which is kinda like hydroelectric energy but not really. It takes the energy from the water and converts it into some blue/silvery shit called Fluid Karma. Incidentally, this Fluid Karma can be used as a drug and quite a few people use it to get high. This is nothing like that episode of Futurama.

INT. EXPENSIVE APARTMENT IN LOS ANGELES

THE ROCK and SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR are lying in bed, looking really bored.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE (V.O.)

While all that was happening, The Rock disappeared for a few days in the desert, then came back with his memory erased and hooked up with porn star Sarah Michelle Gellar. They spent many magnificent days together having sex and writing their screenplay. Wait, what?

(checks the notes of writer/director Richard Kelly)

Huh, that's right. Sarah Michelle Gellar and The Rock wrote a screenplay.

THE ROCK

Ahem, I don't... call myself... The Rock!... Anymore... I'm Dwayne... Johnson!

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

What the fuck is this now? You sound like a lobotomised Al Pacino.

THE ROCK

Isn't this acting?

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

No, this is an insult to intelligence. Cut that shit out. Let's get back to talking about our screenplay. That we wrote. You and me. The Rock and Sarah Michelle Gellar.

THE ROCK

We should probably do some research on it which is desperately needed. I'll call a policeman.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #1 walks in.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #1

Did someone say policeman?

THE ROCK

Stiffler?! We're meant to believe you're a cop?

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #1

Not just an ordinary cop, but a cop suffering amnesia who's haunted by a traumatic incident that I can't remember and also being used by a left wing terrorist group who call themselves the neo-Marxists to frame you by having you film me pretending to shoot Amy Poehler and Wood Harris. Also, I have a twin that the neo-Marxists are keeping hostage to ensure that I go through with my mission. Oh, and I may or may not be Jesus.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

That's... that's a lot of information to process... maybe we should spend some time elab--

INT. A POLICE CAR

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #1 drives THE ROCK around L.A.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE (V.O.)

Oh, hey, I just remembered some more stuff that'll probably come in useful. THE ROCK is married, but he doesn't remember this and his father-in-law is a republican candidate. Uh... what else

(checks Richard Kelly's notes again; tries to ignore the energy drink stains and dick drawings)

Oh yeah, the Neo-Marxists' plan is to get Seann William Scott #1 to pretend to shoot Amy Poehler and Wood Harris. The Rock won't know that the deaths are staged, so it'd look like he took part in the murder of two innocent people by filming it. Wait, has this been mentioned already? Ah, fuck it, I'm gonna go roll a joint with Richard Kelly.

THE ROCK

You're the worst narrator ever. Nobody has any idea what you're talking about.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE (V.O.)

Pfft. You think I do?

THE ROCK

Ugh. Where's Morgan Freeman when you need him?

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE (V.O.)

Trust me, not even Morgan Freeman could make this shit sound sane.

INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE

SEAN WILLIAM SCOTT #1 and THE ROCK arrive at the house where SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #1 is supposed to fake-kill WOOD HARRIS and AMY POEHLER. This plan backfires hilariously when JON LOVITZ comes out of nowhere and kills them for real.

THE ROCK

(running away)

Arghhh!

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #1

Jon Lovitz? Seriously?! Who the fuck cast this movie?

JON LOVITZ

Come on, it's not that bad. Me as a cop isn't as batshit insane as... I dunno... Wallace Shawn as a German scientist who wears a cape or something.

INT. EXPENSIVE MANSION

WALLACE SHAWN is standing in the corner of a big lounge-room, wearing a cape, sporting a spit-curl haircut and making out with BAI LING. THE ROCK's extended Republican family is there including wife MANDY MOORE, father-in-law HOLMES OSBOURNE and family friend JOHN LAROQUETTE. THE ROCK walks in.

THE ROCK

Hey guys!

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR follows.

HOLMES OSBORNE

Who the hell is this?

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

The porn star that's been fucking your son-in-law. Give me a million dollars or I'll release a sex tape that will surely sabotage your campaign!

HOLMES OSBORNE

Oh, no! Not a sex tape featuring a B-grade actor and a porn star! Anything but that! Those sex tapes are notorious for ruining careers!

MANDY MOORE

Oh Dad, FYI, Wallace Shawn is secretly funding the Neo-Marxists! This is undoubtedly the best time to tell you this.

HOLMES OSBORNE

What?! Inconceivable!

WALLACE SHAWN

Scheifle!

He gets the hell out of there.

JOHN LAROQUETTE

I am so fucking confused. What the hell is going on? Who's doing what? What are their motives?! Arghhh!

HOLMES OSBORNE

Calm down, bro. The worst is over. I'm pretty sure it can't get any stupider or crazier than this.

INT. ARCADE HALL/MILITARY HANGOUT

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, wearing a bloodied shirt and holding a can of beer stares directly into the camera while lip-syncing to All These Things That I've Done by The Killers. Sexy females dressed as nurses dance around him.

DANCER #1

Is this seriously happening?

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

Yep, and its the best part of the movie!

EXT. SOME STREET ON VENICE BEACH

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #1 is wandering around aimlessly waiting for the screenplay to do something with him when he sees LOU TAYLOR PUCCI attempting suicide!

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #1

No, don't kill yourself! Come to Mexico with me instead!

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI

Why?

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #1

Why not? Makes about as much sense as anything else in this film.

INT. NEO-MARXISTS' HIDEOUT

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #2 escapes!

EXT. ZEPPELIN LAUNCHING PAD

THE ROCK and his EXTENDED REPUBLICAN FAMILY are getting onboard a massive zeppelin.

THE ROCK

A zeppelin? Seriously?

MANDY MOORE

We need a really cool location for the climax.

THE ROCK

Since when are zeppelins cool?

Meanwhile, riots start because those happen whenever a zeppelin is launched, right?

EXT. SOME OTHER STREET ON VENICE BEACH

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #2 is also wandering around aimlessly. He meets CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT in an ice-cream truck.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #2

Holy shit! Highlander!

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT

Holy shit! Stiffler!

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT knocks out SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #2, drags his ass into the ice-cream truck and starts driving to God-knows-where.

INT. ZEPPELIN

THE ROCK realises that the movie is coming to a close and that it's time for some sweet, elusive clarification. He meets KEVIN SMITH who's sporting a magnificently fake beard.

THE ROCK

Okay, playtime's over! I demand an explanation for all this poppycock!

KEVIN SMITH

So once upon a time there was a little rift in the 4th dimension somewhere in the desert. Wallace Shawn wanted to test it out so he made the logical decision to send a superstar and relative of a major political figure through it. We launched you and you travelled 69 minutes back in time!

THE ROCK

That's awesome!

KEVIN SMITH

Then your future self confronted your past self and you killed your past self!

THE ROCK

That's stupid! If I killed my past self, how could I have ever gone through the rift?

KEVIN SMITH

Uh... we also did the same to Seann William Scott, that's why there are two Stifflers running around L.A.

THE ROCK

That makes even less sense! There could only be two of them for 69 minutes before one of them would have to disappear!

KEVIN SMITH

Imagine what would happen if the two of them met?!

THE ROCK

I'm imagining it already; a huge fucking letdown.

EXT. STREETS OF LA

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI and SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #1 keep on driving, ignoring all the rioting when they crash into the ice-cream truck with SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #2!

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #1 runs towards SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #2 when SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #2 gets shot in the eye! Somehow, this doesn't kill him and they take shelter inside the truck.

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT hands a rocket launcher to LOU TAYLOR PUCCI.

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI

Why are you giving this to me?

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT

You're still asking reasonable questions expecting coherent answers? Have you learnt nothing?!

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT runs away, never to be seen again.

The two SEANN WILLIAM SCOTTS shake hands and the ice cream truck starts floating into the air while LOU TAYLOR PUCCI is on top of it(!)

INT. ZEPPELIN

Everybody's dancing and partying.

THE ROCK

Oh, hey, guess what? We're all gonna die.

HOLMES OSBOURNE

What? How the hell can you possibly know that?! Can you predict the future now or something?!

THE ROCK

...

HOLMES OSBOURNE

You can't just make up random bullshit without any explanation or justification!

EXT. ICE-CREAM TRUCK IN THE AIR

LOU TAYLOR PUCCI uses HIGHLANDER'S rocket launcher to blow the zeppelin up in a ball of badly rendered CGI flames. Then he kills himself.

INT. ICE-CREAM TRUCK

The two SEANN WILLIAM SCOTTS are still holding hands.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #1

So what the hell happens now?

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT# 2

I dunno, but I sure hope the movie isn't going to end now; that would just piss everybody off. JT? What happens now?

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE (V.O.)

The Gospel According to Richard Kelly: if you have no idea what to do with your movie and it's been going for two hours already, it's time to roll the credits, preferably with a mellow Blur song playing in the background to help the audience resist the urge to damage something on their way out.

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT #1

ARE YOU FUCKING KI--

END