FADE IN:

EXT. CHRISTMAS - 1974

We are introduced to our first potential hero YOUNG MARK STRONG who is magically transported to a NARNIA CAVE and meets old white bearded DJIMON HOUNSOU.

YOUNG MARK STRONG

Why are you dressed like Blaxxxploitation Gandalf after 5 shots of tequila?

DJIMON HOUNSOU

I’m a wizard with magical superpowers, but I am old and so I must pass my power onto a worthy child.

YOUNG MARK STRONG

But why a child specifically? Most kids can’t even be trusted with the Wi-Fi password let alone handling dangerous superpowers.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Because them’s the rules. It's my duty to guard the demonic Seven Deadly Sins, which look like murky Pokémon monsters, encased in these statues which I have stored 6 feet away from this evil orb that gives them all their power.

YOUNG MARK STRONG

Oooh evil orb you say?

(is immediately drawn to The Darkside)

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Holy shit kid, you went straight to the evil. You didn’t even try to stop yourself.

YOUNG MARK STRONG

Doesn't that mean I'm the chosen Mary Sue?

DJIMON HOUNSOU

In a Rian Johnson shitfest maybe, but not here! You're drawn to evil so that means you're not worthy! I doom you to a career of playing villains in comic book movies!

YOUNG MARK STRONG

That doesn't sound so bad.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Including GREEN LANTERN!!!

YOUNG MARK STRONG

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I vow revenge! I’ll get you for this Black Santa!!!!

(is Narnia'd back to the real world)

INT. PHILADELPHIA - PRESENT DAY

We are introduced to our second potential kid hero ASHER ANGEL who endears himself to the audience by LOCKING SOME COPS IN A STORE and STEALING their cop car. And their LUNCH, which is the REAL dick move.

ASHER ANGEL

Fuuuuck, I know this looks bad but let me show you this flashback where I got separated from my mom at a carnival when I was little and now I’m an orphan. I’m just using this police laptop to track her down to this address.

NOT ASHER’S MOM

Wait how are you an orphan? Did the police not go to your mom’s house? Or find her next of kin? Where’s your dad?

ASHER ANGEL

In jail.

NOT ASHER’S MOM

So does HE not have any family you could stay with either? How horrible of a little kid were you?

ASHER ANGEL

I posted our Wi-Fi password on Twitter.

NOT ASHER’S MOM

(slams door in Asher’s face)

INT. DIVERSITY HOUSE

ASHER is placed with a new FOSTER FAMILY. A COLORFUL one.

COOPER ANDREWS

Hi Asher! I decided to take a break from killing zombies and become your new foster dad! I’m also half Jewish and half Samoan!

MARTA MILANS

And I’m your foster mom! And Spanish!

ASHER ANGEL

Uh, why are you guys telling me your racial background?

MARTA MILANS

Because comic book movies are mainstream now and we have boxes to check. Now meet your new foster siblings!

FAITHE HERMAN

Hey Asher! My notable character traits are being black, adorable and blackdorable!

IAN CHEN

My notable stereotypes are being good at video games and good at being Asian!

JOVAN ARMAND

I’m Salvadorian and... fat? All my dialog is grunts.

COOPER ANDREWS

Now unfortunately we had to also adopt some pale faced kids so here they are.

GRACE FULTON

I’m really obsessed with getting into college... debt. I'm also... female? That is literally the extent of my character.

JACK DYLAN GRAZER

And lastly I’m going to be Asher’s best friend who’s a cripple! I also have extensive knowledge of superheroes as well as a sock drawer full of knock-off DCEU merch!

ASHER ANGEL

Okay I get this diverse cast of characters is pulled straight from the comic but it’s odd that the white kids are still the only ones with any semblance of being interesting beyond their ethnicity.

JACK DYLAN GRAZER

That's because you're not a good writer Asher, then you'd know quota filling trumps character building every time.

ASHER ANGEL

Well it's not too late, all the foster kids besides Jack and I could still be given enough screen time to become compelling fleshed out characters that will make the audience care about them beyond being "children in danger".

NO SUCH THING HAPPENS.

INT. DJIMON’S MANCAVE

Adult MARK STRONG has spent the last 45 years figuring out how to magic his way back to DJIMON's cave using Wingdings and succeeds!

MARK STRONG

You told me I wasn’t worthy of your power so I’m going to take the evil orb and release the Seven Deadly Sin Demons and let them live inside my body thus proving your point.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

I am too weak to stop you, so I suppose you’ll kill me so I can’t pass my powers onto someone else?

MARK STRONG

Excellent idea! A lightning blast should do the trick!

DJIMON HOUNSOU

But... I have a huge neon lightning bolt symbol on my chest, I’m pretty sure that won’t hurt

(is hit with lightning blast and flung across room)

(naps)

MARK STRONG

You mean lightning DIDN’T kill the guy with lightning powers? Meh, he’s old, I’m sure he shit himself. That’s way more permanent than death!

(leaves)

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL

ASHER arrives with his new foster brothers and sisters.

FAITHE HERMAN

I’m so glad you’re here Asher! I can’t wait to be the bestest foster sister in the world!

ASHER ANGEL

Get lost Doc McStuffins. I only care about myself. I’ll never think of any of you losers as my family.

FAITHE HERMAN

(has heart crushed into a fine dust)

JACK DYLAN GRAZER

Holy shit Asher, are you sure you’re the hero? Thanos is better with kids than you. We need to show you doing something noble so I’ll throw my face at some bully’s fists.

JACK is attacked by BULLIES.

ASHER ANGEL

Not my problem Handi-Man. Peace out. Unless the bullies make fun of you for not having a mommy which triggers my insecurities, THEN I might help. But ONLY for selfish reasons.

They DO and he DOES.

ASHER escapes into a subway car where the magical WINGDINGS transport him to DJIMON’S PEDO CAVE.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

Congrats Asher, you get to have my powers not because you’re worthy but ONLY because I’m about to croak and don’t have time to find someone better.

ASHER ANGEL

Sorry African Thor but I don’t answer literal calls to adventure, so no thanks.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

I don’t have time to argue, now grab my power staff and say my name.

ASHER ANGEL

Dude, I’m still a minor.

DJIMON HOUNSOU

DO AS I SAY BOYYYYYY!!!!

ASHER ANGEL

Okay okay. What’s your superhero name?

DJIMON HOUNSOU

(deep breath)

Captain Marvel!

ASHER ANGEL

Wait so YOU’RE the Rosa Parks of female superhero characters???

DJIMON HOUNSOU

What? Ooooh I forgot, Marvel Comics hoodwinked DC out of using that name. I mean there are only so many captains to go around, there's even one for Underpants!

ASHER ANGEL

But you’ve worked with the MCU one in her origin movie. Is she nice and easily to get along with?

DJIMON HOUNSOU

(changing the subject)

So in order to get my powers you need to say my OTHER superhero name that sounds a little too similar to Shaq's rapping genie.

ASHER ANGEL

ShaZachary!

ASHER transformers into ridiculously dressed superman ZACHARY LEVI!

ZACHARY LEVI

Wow! I'm a 30 year old in a foam muscle costume! So what are my powers and how do I use them?

DJIMON HOUNSOU

(disintegrates)

ZACHARY LEVI

(horrified)

NNOOOOOOOOOO I’m allergic to human ashes!

(sneezes Djimon all over the place)

EXT. DIVERSITY HOUSE

ZACHARY seeks the help of JACK.

ZACHARY LEVI

It’s me Asher! I’m a superhero! You know all about that geeky manbaby incel stuff so help me figure out my powers!

JACK DYLAN GRAZER

Let’s test them by stopping random crimes that happen right next to us then exploit said powers for personal gain!

A MUGGING suddenly appears!

ZACHARY LEVI

I have super speed and strength! We’ll probably have to wait awhile for another crime to

A CONVENIENCE STORE ROBBERY conveniently appears conveniently!

ZACHARY LEVI

I’m bullet proof and can destroy private property with ease! I can also charge explode phones with my lightning powers! So how do we make money off of this?

JACK DYLAN GRAZER

You mean so I can get my disability fixed? That’s real nice of--

ZACHARY LEVI

No, so *I* can profit. This is still all about me. Because I am a shithead. Keep up, lurch.

Meanwhile...

INT. JOHN GLOVER’S COMPANY - BOARD MEETING

MARK drops in on his emotionally abusive father JOHN GLOVER.

JOHN GLOVER

Son? Why do I have a full head of hair while you look like Mr. Clean after he's been on a hunger strike for 6 weeks?

MARK STRONG

For years you mocked me and told me I was just imagining being abducted by a crazy old wizard and taken to his magic cave with demon statues and evil IKEA orbs! A small child wouldn't just make something like that up! Now I’m going to make you suffer in the most horrifically graphic way possible.

JOHN GLOVER

Yeah right, this is a children’s film with families and little kids in the audience, what are you going to do? Have your demon buddies violently murder your much more beloved older brother and my entire board of directors in gruesome hyper violent Evil Dead 2 style goriness?

That TOTALLY FUCKING HAPPENS. Kids in the audience are ushered out of the theater SCREAMING.

That TOTALLY HAPPENS TOO.

JOHN GLOVER

Why do my children keep turning into comic book villains?

(is eaten)

That was a little too intense so let’s CUT TO:

EXT. PHILADELPHIA

ZACHARY and JACK are busy doing all kinds of FUN WACKY KID FRIENDLY STUFF.

ZACHARY LEVI

I’m a YouTube star! We’re racking up all kinds of ad revenue!

JACK DYLAN GRAZER

Shit! All our videos have been demonetized because some guy named “MCU_Rulz99” thinks you’re Alt-Right because you gave Black Panther 4 stars instead of 5!

ZACHARY LEVI

HE DOESN’T EVEN EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE!!! This is all your fault Jack! I’m breaking up our friendship because I’m still a conceited little prick! Now I need to do something heroic again to get the audience back on my side!

ZACHARY uses his lightning powers and nearly kills a BUS full of people but then saves them! Everyone praises ZACHARY!

JACK DYLAN GRAZER

The fuck? HE CAUSED THE ACCIDENT! How does no one see this???

ZACHARY LEVI

You’re just jealous because I have powers and you don’t.

JACK DYLAN GRAZER

I’m disabled! Of course I’m jealous! I’d actually use the powers to FUCKING HELP PEOPLE YOU PATHETIC ASSHOLE! I really wish someone would put you in your place.

ZACHARY LEVI

You wish! Too bad I don't have an arch nemesis who's a mirror image of me with similar abilities but who actually learned how to master his superpowers instead of mastering Instagram.

MARK swoops in and beats ZACHARY’s ass right into a BIG reference.

MARK STRONG

Transfer your power over to me or this ass beating will continue until they release The Snyder Cut!

ZACHARY LEVI

So until hell freezes over? Screw this! ShaZachary!

(transforms back into Asher)

(runs away like a little bitch)

MARK STRONG

No matter, I’ll just threaten Jack to tell me who Zachary is.

JACK DYLAN GRAZER

I’ll never tell you!

(is shown the boardroom scene from earlier)

Fuuuuck. That. Shit. His name is Asher and he lives in the diversity house Mr. Strong, sir.

(is not eaten)

EXT. ASHER’S MOM’S HOUSING PROJECT

ASHER finds out where his real mom lives and meets her.

ASHER ANGEL

Mommy! I’m so sorry I got lost! Now we can be a family! Hey why didn't you look for me?

ASHER’S MOM

Because I abandoned you. I was an entitled 17 year old single mother who wanted to have fun and party free of any responsibilities and well I couldn’t do that with a little ankle biter like you to take care of so I dumped you like the selfish brat I am. But we're still cool, right?

ASHER ANGEL

(heart is crushed into quantum particles)

What kind of mother has no qualms throwing their child away like a box of unsold Justice League DVDs?

ASHER’S MOM

I'm a millennial, personal accountability is my kryptonite. If you think about it my self-centeredness led to you becoming a superhero so really you should be thanking me you ungrateful little cunt waffle.

ASHER ANGEL

Clearly I got my personality from you.

ASHER’S MOM

Yeah, unlike any birthday presents, or hugs, or motherly love. Don't let the door hit you in the abandonment issues on the way out.

INT. DIVERSITY HOUSE

MARK holds JACK, FAITHE, GRACE, IAN and JOVAN hostage. ASHER transforms back into ZACHARY.

MARK STRONG

Give me your power or I kill them all. Don’t make me show you what I did to Lionel Luther.

ZACHARY LEVI

Okay okay, just don’t hurt my family.

FAITHE HERMAN

We’re... your family?

(broken heart reforms!)

JACK DYLAN GRAZER

No Asher! We can’t let you do this! We’re legit a family now! Everyone defend Asher by throwing random objects at Mark who has magical demon powers!

MARK STRONG

Grrrr! That distracted me long enough for you guys to escape! Wait, did I just see crocodiles in suits playing cards? The fuck was that?

EXT. CARNIVAL

ZACHARY and THE ZACHETTES are chased by MARK who unleashes THE SEVEN DEADLY SIN DEMONS to terrorize the carnival.

ZACHARY LEVI

Hey I finally mastered the ability to fly! You’re in for it now Mark!

(gets his ass beaten)

JACK/FAITHE/GRACE/IAN/JOVAN

(are all captured)

ZACHARY LEVI

AGAIN?! Goddamnit guys, I love you but you’re useless!

MARK STRONG

Yeah, it’s a good thing you can’t, like, share your powers with them ohnothat’shappeningisn’tit

JACK/FAITHE/GRACE/IAN/JOVAN

ShaZachary!

(transformers into superpowered adult versions of themselves!)

ZACHARY LEVI

Alright guys, it took me THE ENTIRE MOVIE to master my powers so don’t be embarrassed if it takes you all twice, maybe even THREE TIMES as long to--

JACK/FAITHE/GRACE/IAN/JOVAN

(instantly masters all the powers, instantly)

ZACHARY LEVI

Oh fuck every last one of you.

THE ZACKSQUAD handle the demons while ZACHARY fights MARK in the air while flying past a DE-AGED ZACK SNYDER reenacting the plot of BvS.

ZACHARY LEVI

I’ve figured out that when the demons are out of your body you are vulnerable.

MARK STRONG

Ha! But I still have one last demon in my weird glass eye orb thingy! I simply won’t let it come out.

ZACHARY LEVI

What if I insult the size of its cock?

MARK STRONG

Seriously? It’s a demon. That’ll never work.

IT WORKS. ZACHARY traps all the demons back in their vintage packaging and proves he is indeed worthy of the powers and accepts his foster family as is family!

JACK/FAITHE/GRACE/IAN/JOVAN

So we all just get to keep our powers?

ZACHARY LEVI

I broke the power staff so yeah I guess. But we’re responsible kids, right? It’s not like one of us would do something as petty as use these magical powers to get more popular at school or anything.

JACK DYLAN GRAZER

Yeah, about that...

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

JACK DYLAN GRAZER

In my jealousy of Asher I kind of told everyone I was friends with Zachary and that he’d show up to school and have lunch with me thus making me more popular.

ZACHARY LEVI

Well here I am! And look I brought a friend!

HEADLESS SUPER-CAVILL

I'm too busy starring in a franchise I actually care about so you only get the neck down.

END

INT. POST CREDIT SEQUENCE

MARK is in prison and forges an alliance with a TALKING ALIEN WORM.

RIIIIIIIIGHT.

MARK STRONG

Still not as weird as the farting goat in Doom Patrol. Or the beard eating guy in Doom Patrol. Or the talking street in Doom Patrol.

TALKING ALIEN WORM

Silly hu-mon. No one watches Doom Patrol.

MARK STRONG

But it has Alan Tudyk! And James Bond! And a sort of Brendan Fraser looking Brendan Fraser! What if it doesn't get a second season?!

TALKING ALIEN WORM

Just rename it "Supernatural" and it'll get a billion more seasons.

INT. POST POST CREDIT SEQUENCE

ZACHARY LEVI

DID YOU SEE AQUAMAN YOU SHOULD SEE AQUAMAN I LUUUUUUUV AQUAMAN

JACK DYLAN GRAZER

AQUAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMANNNNNNNNNNNN

ZACHARY LEVI

But seriously watch Doom Patrol.

END