FADE IN:

INT. LIEV SCHREIBER'S S.U.V.

Liev Schreiber is talking to his agent on one of his 14 cellular phones.

LIEV SCHREIBER

Unlike my character in the previous Scream movie, I am a total fucking media whore now. Give me movie roles.

One of Liev's other 14 cellular phones rings. He answers it.

GHOSTFACE KILLER

I'm going to kill you and your girlfriend, never mind the fact that there are other, more annoying people in Hollywood I could kill.

AUDIENCE

No shit.

The GHOSTFACE KILLER kills Liev and his hot girlfriend.

KEVIN WILLIAMSON

I knew I should have written the script for this movie. I'd have offed Kevin Costner for The Postman and Waterworld. Maybe even Jim Carrey.

EHREN KRUGER

Shut up. It's hard enough to write something without trying to get out from under your shadow. Did I mention I also wrote Reindeer Games with Ben Affleck and Charlize Theron?

MALE MEMBERS OF AUDIENCE

Shut up. I hope there's tits in this movie. There weren't any in the previous two movie and we're hoping that this one will be different, since the last chapter of a trilogy "breaks the rules" or whatever the fuck the trailer said.

INT. MOVIE SET FOR 'STAB 3'

A bunch of no name actors dressed up like the characters from the first Scream movie are sitting around, using cell phones.

GIRL DRESSED LIKE SIDNEY

Aren't cell phones the coolest?

TOKEN BLACK CHARACTER

Yo, yo, yo. They best be writing some actual dialogue for this brother up in here. Or I'mo bussacap.

BIG-TITTED JENNY MCCARTHY

(rolling eyes)

Ugh. You guys are so 90's. That was my decade, when I was the host of the coolest show on.

MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS

TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT, JENNY!!! PLEASE!!! TAKE A SHOWER, ANYTHING!!!

Suddenly, David Arquette arrives, carrying 200 CELL PHONES.

DAVID ARQUETTE

(squinting)

You should use 1-800-CALL-ATT!!!

COURTENEY COX ARQUETTE shows up, with terrible-looking BANGS.

COURTENEY COX ARQUETTE

Hi, honey, I mean, David. Did you notice my name in the credits has your last name added to it?

DAVID ARQUETTE

(squinting)

C-A-L-L-A-T-T!!!

COURTENEY COX ARQUETTE

Shut up. I'm here to stir up trouble and get in cat fights.

PARKER POSEY is on the set.

COURTENEY COX ARQUETTE

You'll do until Neve Cambell gets here.

COURTENEY and PARKER fight. Big-Titted Jenny rolls her eyes.

DAVID ARQUETTE

C-A-L-L-A-T-T!!!

The above scene repeats for the next thirty minutes, along with the usual horror movie COPS and RED HERRINGS. Someone uses a CELL PHONE every 5 seconds.

WES CRAVEN

What was I thinking?

AUDIENCE AND CRITICS

Music of the Heart?

WES CRAVEN

No, this movie. It's like I cut up the first two movies and edited them together in no particular order.

More cameos including Jamie Kennedy, Puddy, Princess Leia, and George Romero ensue. Jokes at the expense of horror movie cliches and show-business in general ensue. They are HIP and HILARIOUS. Big-Titted Jenny is killed, while rolling her eyes. NEVE CAMBPELL shows up and gets teary-eyed in every scene, as usual.

EHREN KRUGER

Aren't I original???

INT. BIG HOLLYWOOD MANSION

All the characters are having a party for no apparent reason, other than maybe to use their CELL PHONES. NEVE CAMPBELL is the last one to arrive.

NEVE CAMPBELL

(teary-eyed)

This is a much nicer house than the one in Scream. No annoying teenagers.

One of her 4,500 cell phones RINGS.

GHOSTFACE KILLER

We need to wrap this up. The males in the audience have left since, to date, there has not been any nudity in any Scream movie.

NEVE CAMPBELL

(teary-eyed)

I know.

GHOSTFACE KILLER

I don't suppose that you could...

NEVE CAMPBELL

(teary-eyed)

No! I'll lick Denise Richards' tonsils, but there's no way I'm showing my tits!

GHOSTFACE KILLER

Fine.

The Ghostface Killer tries to kill Neve, but she hurls her cell phones at him, killing him. Neve, David, and Courteney all survive.

EXT. CABIN IN THE WOODS

Neve, David, and Courteney seem to be living together now.

LAST REMAINING MALE IN AUDIENCE

Cool!!! Way to go, David!!! Threesome, here he comes!!!

Then David whips out a ring for Courteney, shattering the male's perverted images.

EHREN KRUGER

Isn't this IRONIC??? Since in real life, they're actually married!!!

The AUDIENCE stabs Ehren Kruger to death.

AUDIENCE

Dammit, we expected more. Maybe one of the main characters getting offed. Perhaps one of them being the killer. You suck.

WES CRAVEN

That's what I've been thinking all along. I tried to change the script.

AUDIENCE

Bullshit. You die too.

The AUDIENCE and the CAST OF SCREAM 3 throws their CELL PHONES at Wes Craven, KILLING him.

END