FADE IN:

INT. RESTAURANT

BRADLEY COOPER is having lunch with his girlfriend ABBIE CORNISH.

ABBIE CORNISH

Good thing the first ten minutes established in excruciating detail how pathetic your life is. Makes breaking up with you now less awkward.

BRADLEY COOPER

Wait, is this because I have writer's block and can't get past the first page of my novel?

ABBIE CORNISH

It's not really writer's block when you stare at your computer screen for three seconds, then spend the rest of the day wandering the streets like a homeless person.

BRADLEY COOPER

But I'm playing a troubled genius. Not sure exactly what I'm troubled about, but it definitely requires avoiding showering and wearing clothes unfit for the Salvation Army.

BRADLEY wanders off to rummage through trash behind a 7-11. On the way, he runs into JOHNNY WHITWORTH.

INT. BAR

JOHNNY WHITWORTH

Hey man, try this new drug to help you write better. It's totally FDA approved and not suspicious. Did I mention I used to sell cocaine?

BRADLEY COOPER

Hmm, will this also improve my acting?

JOHNNY WHITWORTH

It's a drug, not an act of god.

BRADLEY COOPER

Any side effects?

JOHNNY WHITWORTH

Just mild nausea, headaches, and potentially murdering people without recollection.

BRADLEY COOPER

So, it's kinda like having to sit through "The A-Team."

INT. APARTMENT

BRADLEY takes the pill and STOPS HAVING ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER. T.V. CARPIO shows up, which is a real person's name.

T.V. CARPIO

Now that you have extreme focus what crazy things are you gonna do?

BRADLEY COOPER

I'll start by writing parts of my shitty novel and then cleaning my apartment.

T.V. CARPIO

Uh, pretty sure no one wants to see that.

BRADLEY COOPER

(washing dishes furiously)

I'M SO FOCUSED!!!!

T.V. CARPIO

Why didn't you just take an Adderall?

BRADLEY COOPER

This pill does so much more. It lets me unlock the full potential of my brain and predict things before they happen. It also causes me to develop a shit-eating grin which never leaves my face.

T.V. CARPIO

What happened to the person who gave you it?

BRADLEY COOPER

Oh yeah, he told me the drug isn't really FDA approved. Then got murdered by people looking for his supply, which I stole.

T.V. CARPIO

Holy shit. Maybe you should figure out what's in that stuff.

BRADLEY COOPER

Don't be stupid. I'm just gonna double the dosage and start convincing random women to sleep with me.

BRADLEY uses his new SMUG-SENSE to predict stock trends, buy expensive clothes, and talk like a rich asshole. Eventually, he meets up with ROBERT DE NIRO.

INT. OFFICE

ROBERT DE NIRO

I'm a gruff, powerful businessman with a dark side. It's completely unlike every single role I've played for the last twenty years. Let's use your powers to complete the biggest financial merger in history.

BRADLEY COOPER

(tripping balls)

Yeah let's do this! Let's merge the shit out of it!

ROBERT DE NIRO

Or you could just use your powers to solve world hunger. Or cure cancer. Or pretty much do anything other than help another rich Wall Street asshole make more money.

BRADLEY COOPER

(really tripping balls)

How about I help you while continuing to plow through every supermodel in the Tri-State area and occasionally getting into violent, drug-induced confrontations with innocent people?

ROBERT DE NIRO

That would literally be the most irresponsible behavior possible.

BRADLEY COOPER

(seriously tripping balls)

How about I become President of the United States too.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Uh, well, that just wouldn't make any sense.

BRADLEY COOPER

And to top everything off I'll buy a four million dollar steel-plated condo to hide my illegal drugs because that's the last place anyone would ever look.

ROBERT DE NIRO

You're a moron.

INT. IMPENETRABLE CONDO

BRADLEY finally runs out of pills and loses his powers.

BRADLEY COOPER

Kinda regretting this purchase now that I'm sober. Least it will slow down any thugs trying to get in looking for pills. There's absolutely no way someone could easily break through the front door seeing as I purchased this place specifically to avoid that.

ANDREW HOWARD and GENERIC HENCHMAN break in the front door within ten seconds.

ANDREW HOWARD

I've been in three scenes so far and no one knows anything about my character. So naturally this confrontation is the climax of the film.

BRADLEY COOPER

Since my powers are gone I'll finally have to use my regular intelligence to outwit someone. Just kidding, I'm gonna stab you in the throat and drink your blood to get high again.

He actually DOES THIS. Then kills everyone else in the room.

BRADLEY COOPER

(covered in blood)

President of the Mother Fucking United States!

INT. RESTAURANT

BRADLEY meets up with ABBIE CORNISH again.

BRADLEY COOPER

Now that I'm the exact same person except I use hair-gel, drive fast cars, and have a crippling substance addiction, can we get back together?

ABBIE CORNISH

Would have settled for you promising to bathe once a week, but yeah.

BRADLEY COOPER

And maybe we can just ignore everything that's happened so far like me squandering millions of dollars and running around beating up random people on the Metro.

ABBIE CORNISH

About that, are we still sure you're actually the good guy in this movie?

BRADLEY COOPER

Have you seen my hair? This is not the hair of a villain.

ABBIE CORNISH

Okay, but maybe you should at least accomplish one noble act before this is over. Like overcoming your drug addiction through sheer willpower and fortitude.

BRADLEY COOPER

What's that? Overcome my addiction through a method requiring no self-control or personal growth? Sounds like a plan.

BRADLEY cures himself by manufacturing a new version of the drug and learns zero life lessons in the process. DE NIRO shows up twirling a fake handle bar mustache glued to his face as part of a last-ditch effort to create drama.

ROBERT DE NIRO

I'm actually an evil villain who totally did lots of evil things that were never shown on screen or discussed in any way prior to this moment but they definitely happened.

BRADLEY COOPER

Um, okay. What evil demands do you have?

ROBERT DE NIRO

You must do favors for me once you become President. It's only fair considering I basically hired you off the street and paid you an ungodly salary.

BRADLEY COOPER

That actually sounds pretty reasonable.

ROBERT DE NIRO

(fake mustache sliding off)

NO I'M VERY EVIL!

BRADLEY COOPER

Oh, I mean, I'll never bow to your demands. To demonstrate my refusal, I will now predict a traffic accident before it occurs.

ROBERT DE NIRO

And then stop the collision just in time?

BRADLEY COOPER

No I'll just predict it and then watch as people get seriously injured.

ROBERT DE NIRO

You're the worst political candidate in history.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Not even close.

END