FADE IN:

INT. MOVIE THEATER- OUTSIDE AUDITORIUM

HUNDREDS of CATTLE, stand outside the theater, waiting for ADAM SANDLER'S new movie: Jack and Jill.

FANS OF ADAM SANDLER

Adam. Sandler. Adam Sandler. Adam. Sandler. Sandler. Adam. Adam Sandler.

An usher walks out of the theater. He has no eyes, and yet he stares at the duo, piercing their souls.

USHER

The theater. Is empty. You may... now enter. Please. Ignore the remains.

FANS OF ADAM SANDLER

(rushing into theater)

Adam Sandler! Adam Sandler! Adam! Sandler! Sandler! Adam!

INT. AUDITORIUM

THE DRONES enter. The entire theater is empty. The silver screen bears the words "ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER."

We sees the remaining horror from the previous screening. Hundreds of people are stuck to the ceiling. Their skin is peeled off. They squirm with their mouths open, seemingly trying to scream in horror and uninmaginable pain.

But they can't, all that comes out is an unending silence. Maggots crawl all over them and out of every orifice. The parts of the ceiling that isn't covered with the bodies of the patrons feature their rotting intestines, spilling blood all over the ceiling. Gravity seems to have shifted, as none of the remains of the previous patrons has fallen.

A bright fire consumes the ceiling and is pulled into the silver screen. The remains are gone. THE DRONES sit down.

The lights go down, and the film starts.

INT. SOME HALF ASSED STUDIO

We're introduced to a bunch of real life twins, to introduce the fact that this film is about twins. BECAUSE EVERYONE WHO WATCHED THE TRAILER IS AN IMBECILE AND CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS FILM IS ABOUT.

TWINS #1

Hey guys! We're twins!

TWINS #2

YES WE'RE TWINS! TWINSY TWINS! LISTEN TO OUR LIFE STORY!

TWINS #3

IDENTICAL TWINS! CAN'T YOU TELL?! ISN'T THAT WACKY?!

ALL OF THE TWINS

TWIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNSSSSS

This brief and useless part is over, but the people involved will never be able to live down the shame from merely appearing in this film for five seconds.

INT. COMMERCIAL STUDIO

ADAM SANDLER is directing a commercial for Pepto Bismal with REGIS PHILBIN as the sponsor, DANA CARVEY as a puppeteer, TIM MEADOWS as a fellow worker with SANDLER, and NICK SWARDSON as Sandler's assistant.

NICK SWARDSON

Holy five second cameos, Sandlerman!

ADAM SANDLER

Alright, let's get everything out of the way. I'm a commercial director, Dunkin Donuts wants me to do a commercial for them starring Al Pacino because they have a new thing called Dunkachino which sounds like Pacino, and my annoying identical sister is coming for Thanksgiving like she does every year.

NICK SWARDSON

Wow. This scene had all that information in like the span of the minute. It's like we're actually trying to spare the audience from enduring this movie for a long time.

ADAM SANDLER

It won't matter. 30 minutes of this movie feels like watching all of Gone with the Wind at a frame per second.

INT. AIRPORT

ADAM SANDLER goes to pick up his identical sister, DRAGGY SANDLER. DRAGGY SANDLER is played off as extremely obnoxious and annoying.

ADAM SANDLER

Heyyyyyyy sister.

DRAGGY SANDLER

(sound of an alarm clock)

OH MY FUCKING GOD ADAM! THANK GAWD! THAT FLIGHT WUZ TEWWIBLE!

ADAM SANDLER

Wow. It really hurts to watch me be that annoying.

AUDIENCE

Imagine how we feel.

ADAM SANDLER

Well it could be worse. I could have another role in the film that's just as annoying.

DRAGGY SANDLER

(sound of Gilbert Gottfried imitating this voice)

OH BUY THA WAY! HERE'S MY PET BIRD!

BIRDY SANDLER

I'M A FUCKING BIRD!

INT. THANKSGIVING TABLE

ADAM SANDLER, DRAGGY SANDLER, A couple of ADAM SANDLER'S FRIENDS, his MOVIE DAUGHTER, his ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG LOVECHILD, and KATIE HOLMES as Sandler's movie wife sit down for Thanksgiving dinner.

FRIEND OF SANDLER

JESUS CHRIST? KATIE HOLMES? Even YOU are above this shit. Why the fuck are you here?

KATIE HOLMES

(drugged out of her mind)

Tom. Tom told me. To do it. Need. Need more money. For Xenu.

DRAGGY SANDLER talks VERY LOUDLY and makes MORONIC COMMENTS to further establish the point that she is ANNOYING AND STUPID.

DRAGGY SANDLER

(sound of a thousand sonic screwdrivers amplified)

OH MAYH GAWD DID YOU GUYS KNOW WE'RE IDENTICAL TWINS?! ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL! LOOK AT US, WE'RE TWINS!!

ADAM SANDLER

I fucking hate you.

KATIE HOLMES

(starting to overdose)

Adam. Adam that's not. Not nice. You. You should. Apologize.

ADAM SANDLER

Wait a minute, Why? She's an annoying bitch, clearly stupid, and shouldn't even be allowed out and about in public! I mean, nobody is that stupid!

ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG LOVECHILD

According to my calculations, an estimated ticket count of 9,430,100 people were stupid enough to pay to see this film.

ADAM SANDLER

You're not being stereotypical enough.

ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG LOVECHILD

Oh. BEEF JERKEY IS GOOD AND I DRIVE CABS.

DRAGGY SANDLER

(sound of a bunch of vuvuzelas being played by crying toddlers)

WHATEVER!!!!! ADAM YOU MAKE ME SAD!!! I'M GOING TO STAYYYY!

DRAGGY SANDLER decides to stay until ADAM and his FAMILY go on a cruise on New Year's, much to the dismay of ADAM and the AUDIENCE.

EXT. CALIFORNIA

DRAGGY SANDLER, ADAM SANDLER, and the family decide to go around and do everything DRAGGY wants to do. This includes going to a costume store, embarassing herself on THE PRICE IS RIGHT (and managing to bring DREW CAREY down with her), and riding a PONY.

ADAM SANDLER

Well at least nothing can go wrong with her riding a pony.

DRAGGY SANDLER

(sound of a Twilight midnight screening)

BUT YOU FORGET SANDLER! I AM FAT!

The implied massive weight of DRAGGY causes the horse to plummet to the ground. This is supposed to be funny.

ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG LOVECHILD

The audience does realize they're going to have to kill the pony because it's legs are now broken, right? This is actually pretty dark.

Finally, they go to the movies, and ADAM SANDLER realizes he's just like DRAGGY SANDLER.

KATIE HOLMES

(foaming at the mouth)

Oh. Does that mean. The movie. Is almost. Over?

ADAM SANDLER

Nope. This scene meant absolutely nothing. The movie still has another hour.

INT. SANDLER HOUSE

ADAM SANDLER sits down with himself.

ADAM SANDLER

I must find my sister a man so she can leave me alone. I got it! I'll set her up a date using Craigslist to get her somebody! Although for some reason, we'll play this off as me being immoral.

He sets up the post, with his ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG LOVECHILD catching him in the act. DRAGGY gets a date.

DRAGGY SANDLER

(sound of a Dell computer trying to kill itself)

OH MY GAWD! I GOT A DATE ISN'T THAT LOVELY! I WONDER WHAT I'M GOING TO WEAR!

ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG LOVECHILD

(to Adam, actual line)

I know what you're going to wear. IN HELL.

ADAM SANDLER

Fuck. That was actually scary. Maybe it'll have me force to deal with some sort of dilemma.

ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG LOVECHILD

No. This sequence means nothing too.

DRAGGY'S date shows up. It is a cameo that should absolutely be ashamed of himself, even if he's been doing this over and over for SANDLER. That's right, NORM MACDONALD is in this.

NORM MACDONALD

Eh, all right let me get this shit over with.

DRAGGY SANDLER comes down the stairs to meet NORM.

DRAGGY SANDLER

(sound of dubstep being played through a microphone getting feedback)

OH MAY GAWD MY DATE IS NORM MACDONALD!

NORM finally realizes the HELL PIT he's found himself in. He skips the date. He should have committed suicide.

DRAGGY SANDLER

(sound of a million Chihuahuas barking)

WAAAH!!! ADAM! NO ONE LIKES ME!!!! I'LL NEVER GET A DAAAAAAATE!!! WHY CAN'T I JUST DATE YOU!!!

ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG LOVECHILD

Did we really just have a straight up incest reference in a PG-13 film for kids? And they won't let Shame get an R rating? Fuck this shit.

ADAM SANDLER

Fine Draggy. You can go to the LAKERS game with me.

DRAGGY SANDLER

(sound of every KIDZ BOP CD being played at the same time)

REALLY ADAM?! THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU!

INT. CGI LAKERS GAME (YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT)

ADAM and DRAGGY show up at an obviously greenscreened arena. Across the way they spot AL PACINO sitting down next to JOHNNY DEPP.

AL PACINO

Johnny?! What are you doing here?

JOHNNY DEPP

Hey! What? Sorry. I'm high off my ass.

AL PACINO

You and Katie have the right idea.

ADAM SANDLER

Hey! Al! Please can I talk to you about my commercial that I want you to do?

AL PACINO

Yeah, whatever. I don't really want to do it.

AL PACINO takes a look at DRAGGY SANDLER and falls in MOVIE LOVE.

AL PACINO

Yeah, Ok. I'll think about it, but GOD DAMN YOUR SISTER IS HOT.

ADAM SANDLER

That really doesn't sound too convincing.

AL PACINO

(whispering)

Please kill me.

INT. RESTAURANT

ADAM'S friends throw him and DRAGGY a birthday party. At the party, is AL PACINO, who totally tries to nail DRAGGY.

AL PACINO

I must say YOU ARE HOT.

DRAGGY SANDLER

(the sound of a cat peeling its eye out)

Yeah, I'm not really attracted to you.

AL PACINO

You would think I'd be able to take a hint. Instead, I WILL TRY TO WOO YOU. Come back to my house with me.

They do. They decide to play golf inside PACINO's house. During this, DRAGGY accidentally breaks PACINO's Oscar. This is probably the greatest unintentional metaphor ever.

INT. SANDLER HOUSE

Back at the Sandler House, DRAGGY meets WALKING MEXICAN STEREOTYPE, who is the GARDENER for ADAM SANDLER.

WALKING MEXICAN STEREOTYPE

Heeeeyyyyy Draggy! I think you're really ugly. JUST KIDDING! Oh fuck. There is no possible way I can make this more offensive.

DRAGGY SANDLER

(sound of nails on a chalkboard with skin peeling off)

WELL WE COULD GO TO THAT MEXICAN FAMLY REUNION YOU'RE HAVING WHERE WE CAN EAT CHILIS AND TACOS, BEAT A PINATA, AND DANCE TO MARIACHI MUSIC WITH ALL YOUR FAMILY THAT IS APPROPRIATELY NAMED EITHER, JUAN, JUANITA, OR JOSE.

And they do. Later, AL PACINO arrives at the house.

AL PACINO

WHERE'S DRAGGY?!

ADAM SANDLER

Absolutely not here.

AL PACINO

WELL I'M GOING TO BUST IN HERE AND LOOK FOR HER BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE LYING.

ADAM SANDLER

I'm pretty sure that's illegal. And that you're breaking and entering.

AL PACINO

It doesn't matter. I wanna FUUUCK! YOUR SISTER!

ADAM SANDLER

You know, I could take this as an opportunity to blackmail you into being in my commercial or else I'll file a restraining order, but we need to DRAG this out! Heh, Get it?! DRAG!

AUDIENCE

Fuck you.

AL leaves, and DRAGGY comes back upset.

DRAGGY SANDLER

(the sound of squirrels being forced to fuck with spikes in their genitalia)

ADAM! IT'S NOT FAIR! I SCREWED UP MY DATE BECAUSE I NEEDED TO SHIT AFTER ALL THAT MEXICAN FOOD!! I'M SO UPSET!

ADAM SANDLER

Fine. You can come on the family cruise with us to Europe.

DRAGGY cheers. The AUDIENCE jeers. They wish they had a few beers, instead of having to wait for the film to end on New Years.

EXT. CRUISE

On the cruise with his family and DRAGGY. ADAM calls AL so he can do his commercial.

ADAM SANDLER

Look Al, you must do my commercial.

AL PACINO

Only if I can Pacino your Sandler.

ADAM SANDLER

Fuck. I can't get my sister to nail Pacino because she doesn't like him.

The AUDIENCE prays he doesn't do what they know he's going to do.

ADAM SANDLER

(imitating the sound of cell phone interference)

SURE AL, I'LL DEFINITELY GO OUT WITH YOU.

AL PACINO picks up ADAM SANDLER, who is dressed as DRAGGY, who is really ADAM SANDLER IN DRAG playing the TWIN of HIMSELF, who is not interested in AL PACINO, but ADAM SANDLER in the disguise of DRAGGY SANDLER will pretend SHE/HE is interested in AL PACINO.

INT. AL PACINO'S EUROPEAN GETAWAY HOUSE

AL puts the moves on ADAM PLAYING DRAGGY. The date goes on "perfectly."

AL PACINO

You're so fine. Oh by the way your brother sucks. He's a talentless hack and a con man.

ADAM SANDLER

(imitating the room of the foley artist for Transformers 3)

Is that really the thing you want to say to the sister of the guy you're insulting, WHO YOU ARE TRYING TO NAIL.

AL PACINO

Oh no. I was talking about Adam Sandler himself.

ADAM SANDLER

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

ADAM SANDLER reenacts THE WATERBOY on AL PACINO. Suddenly he has an epiphany.

ADAM SANDLER

Oh no! I've been mean to my sister for all of our lives! I should go apologize.

INT. CRUISE

ADAM SANDLER arrives back on the cruise to find DRAGGY, but she is nowhere to be found. KATIE and the family find ADAM still in drag.

KATIE HOLMES

(nose bleeding)

Oh. That's why. She left. And went. Home. To California. You were impersonating her. For. Your own. Gain.

ADAM SANDLER

Wait a minute. She left the fucking cruise? WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING OCEAN!

INT. BAR IN CALIFORNIA

DRAGGY is spending NEW YEAR'S alone at a bar with other friends that includes BRUCE JENNER, JOHN MCENROE, and DAVID SPADE IN DRAG.

NICK SWARDSON

Were these people blackmailed?

DRAGGY SANDLER

(sound of an angry castrato playing Xbox Live)

WAAAAAH!!! I'M SO ALONE ON NEW YEARS!

ADAM SANDLER

Not so fast! And time for the ending speech!

ADAM takes out a note.

ADAM SANDLER

You know, I learned something tod-

ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG LOVECHILD

FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING SACRED JUST END THIS FUCKING SHIT ALREADY.

ADAM SANDLER

Alright. Let's be identical twins again, Draggy.

ADOPTED INDIAN SLUMDOG LOVECHILD

You're not identical twins if you're the different genders dumbass.

ADAM SANDLER

Go drown in a pile of rupees.

WALKING MEXICAN STEREOTYPE

And you can taco me so you're not alone for the rest of your burrito!

DRAGGY SANDLER

(sound of Fran Drescher getting an orgasm)

WOW! THANKS GUYS! YOU'RE THE BEST!

AL PACINO

And I'll do your commercial Adam.

He does.

AL PACINO

That was terrible. Burn it.

ADAM SANDLER

What? It's a simple little commercial.

AL PACINO

I don't mean the commercial. I mean this film. Burn it. Please save what litte of my reputation is left.

ADAM SANDLER

You want to save your reputation? From the guy who was in 88 Minutes, Righteous Kill, and Gigli? Yeah right.

END