FADE IN:

EXT. WWII BATTLEFIELD - BLUE

A platoon of ALLIED SOLDIERS infiltrate a secret NAZI SUPER-SCIENCE COMPLEX, accompanied by YOUNG JOHN HURT. PRESENT-DAY JOHN HURT narrates.

PRESENT-DAY JOHN HURT (V.O.)

That’s right, kids. Before Captain America, the army just used normal soldiers to battle Hydra’s forces.

SOME SOLDIER

Well, normal soldiers...and you, a bumbling scientist. We’re putting you on the front lines to explain mystical phenomena on the fly, because briefings are for wimps.

The SOLDIERS encounter a DARK RITUAL overseen by Neal Stephenson lookalike and evil wizard KAREL RODEN, and his minions COBRA COMMANDER and THE BARONESS.

YOUNG JOHN HURT

You’d have thought the Nazis would give up on this Indiana Jones crap after their faces melted off for the umpteenth time.

The SOLDIERS attack, and are somehow NOT SLAUGHTERED before they can BLOW UP KAREL’S PORTAL and CHASE OFF HIS MINIONS.

KAREL RODEN

Fly, you fools! I will return as Roden the White!

(Is Looney Tuned to death)

YOUNG JOHN HURT

Well, that was easy...oh look, the portal even left behind this baby demon thing! Isn’t it cute?

SOME OTHER SOLDIER

What is it with you and your inexplicable love for the obviously evil? Next thing you know we’ll be mopping up your pulverized chest cavity from the floor.

YOUNG JOHN HURT

No, no, I’ve seen Spielberg. I can teach the baby demon to love me with the almighty power of snack food product placement!

(shoves a candy bar’s logo at the camera)

PRESENT-DAY JOHN HURT (V.O.)

Mmm, chocolate! Buy some today, for all of your first contact needs!

(beat)

What was I saying? Oh, right. I raised the demon as a son, and he grew up into your standard gruff anti-hero with a heart of gold. I also used my observations of him to create the SCP Foundation.

CUT TO:

INT. SCP FOUNDATION - PRESENT DAY - BRIGHT BLUE

JOHN HURT is narrating this to newbie RUPERT EVANS, as he ESCORTS him around SCP HEADQUARTERS.

RUPERT EVANS

Okay, I think I’ve got the backstory down. So, who am I working with here?

RUPERT is greeted by FISH MAN DOUG JONES.

RUPERT EVANS

AAAH! SIDESHOW BOB’S BROTHER!

DOUG JONES

No, don’t worry. I’m just a hundred-and-fifty-year-old human/fish hybrid, who also has psychic powers, gets visions of the future, and might be the reincarnation of Abe Lincoln.

RUPERT EVANS

Wow, that’s a needlessly complicated background and superpower set. This wouldn’t happen to be based on a comic book, would it?

DOUG JONES

However did you guess?

JOHN HURT

No matter, it’s time to meet the grown-up demon, who will take you on your first assignment. Like you said, we’re based on a comic book. That’s why when I had to think of a name for a being born of pure evil, I decided to call him “Ron Perelman”.

RON PERLMAN

(gruffly)

Why is my name such a dated reference, Dad?

JOHN HURT

Just be happy I didn’t call you “Renesmee”, like that other hellspawn. Now stop complaining - we’ve got a plot to kick off!

CUT TO:

INT. MUSEUM - ORANGE

JOHN, DOUG, RUPERT and RON investigate a museum, because NO ONE likes having to move their ANCIENT MYSTICAL ARTIFACTS

RUPERT EVANS

What are we dealing with here, Doug?

DOUG JONES

According to this book I stole from Egon Spengler, someone has summoned an infinitely-respawning lizard monster called SCP-682. Go get him, Ron!

SCP-682

Round 1: Fight!

RON fights SCP-682 in the MUSEUM. Then they fight in an ALLEYWAY. Then in a CARNIVAL, then in a SUBWAY TUNNEL, then on a SKYSCRAPER, then on the MOON, then IN A DREAM, then IN A DREAM WITHIN THE DREAM.

RON PERLMAN

Wow, this is more ridiculous than the chicken fights from “Family Guy”.

Eventually, RON defeats SCP-682, and the rest of his team CATCHES UP.

RUPERT EVANS

Can you find out who summoned that monster, Doug?

DOUG JONES

Of course! I have psychic powers, which means we don’t have to give the usual bullshit CSI excuses!

(makes various psychic gestures)

It was Karel Roden who did it! The Baroness and Cobra Commander brought him back from the dead, and he’s out to destroy the world!

JOHN HURT

Wait, those two brought him back? What happened to them over the past sixty years since I last saw them, and why did I never follow up on that? You’d think it would be the first thing on the table when I founded the SCP Foundation!

DOUG JONES

Did you not hear me? World. In. Danger. Ignore. Any. Plot. Holes.

RON PERLMAN

To change the subject, getting beaten within an inch of my life has really gotten me in the mood. I’m going to check on my ex-girlfriend.

CUT TO:

INT. MENTAL HOSPITAL - ORANGE

RON talks to his FORMER GIRLFRIEND and PARTNER, SELMA BLAIR.

SELMA BLAIR

I was at the SCP Foundation because I have emotion-based fire powers - despite using them for decades, I still can’t control them even the tiniest bit! The pressure is just too much for me!

(sobs)

RON PERLMAN

Yeah, cry me a River Tam. Anyway, Karel Roden wants to destroy the world - would you mind putting aside your minor personal issues to save billions of people?

SELMA BLAIR

No! Waah!

RON PERLMAN

Fine, just take care of yourself. Like, maybe take some precautions against the hundreds of supernatural threats that you know for a fact exist.

SELMA BLAIR

No! Waah!

Later that night, KAREL sneaks into her room with no trouble.

KAREL RODEN

It should be obvious what I’m doing: I’ll use dark magic to take over Selma’s mind, and send her to do battle with Ron near the end of the movie, but he’ll admit his true feelings for her, causing her to switch sides and...

SELMA BLAIR

No! Waah!

KAREL RODEN

Fine. I guess I’ll just look into your memories so we can tell the audience things they already know about you.

(grabs a handful of popcorn)

Remember that time in second grade when you called your teacher “Dad” and everyone laughed? That was great!

CUT TO:

INT. SEWER - BLUE

DOUG investigates the remains of SCP-682, along with RON and some CANNON FODDER.

DOUG JONES

As a fish-man, I need to stay underwater to survive, except for the many times when I don’t at all. Point is, I need you to stay in contact with me, especially since I’ve told you before that the dead lizard monster we’re investigating can respawn infinitely.

RON PERLMAN

(over radio)

Can’t talk. Busy fighting one, right above you.

DOUG JONES

Okay, enjoy your sightseeing tour.

SCP-682

Round 2: Fight!

RON fights the RESPAWNED SCP-682 in a ROOM FULL OF INNOCENT CIVILIANS, then an ANIMAL SHELTER, then an ORPHANAGE, then a CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL.

RON PERLMAN

I won’t let you hurt these civilians, puppies, children, and terminally ill children respectively! I need to prove I’m the good guy, so I’ll go out of my way to avoid collateral damage. Cough, Jaegers, cough.

Meanwhile, while DOUG narrowly escapes death from a DIFFERENT LIZARD MONSTER or something, the CANNON FODDER are SLAUGHTERED by COBRA COMMANDER.

COBRA COMMANDER

Hmm...Well, it’s around the middle of the second act. Time for a bad guy to get captured only to later reveal that it was part of his plan!

(fakes own death)

RON PERLMAN

I will say, this is pretty convincing. After all, this entire plot is happening because you got Karel back from the dead, so we’ll assume everything is fine now because you’re dead.

CUT TO:

EXT. FALLING-IN-LOVE MONTAGE - ORANGE

That night, RUPERT has been assigned to convince SELMA to CONVINCE HER to join the SCP FOUNDATION. By “convince”, they mean SEDUCE, because they are IN LOVE NOW for SOME REASON.

RUPERT EVANS

What was it that attracted you to me? My lack of any distinguishing features whatsoever? Or my ability to stand in place and dumbly react as huge amounts of exposition are dumped on the audience’s heads?

SELMA BLAIR

I guess I just have a thing for incredibly generic characters. Look at Ron - he’s basically Wolverine with a paint job.

RON, who is SPYING ON THEM, takes offense at this.

RON PERLMAN

Hey, I’m nothing like Wolverine! Except for my personality, one-liners, cigars, sideburns, high position on a team of outcasts, and the weapon built into my hand!

(beat)

Aw, crap.

RON is CONSOLED by a little boy named MALACHAI NICOLLE.

MALACHAI NICOLLE

Lots of popular characters are ripoffs, Ron. It’s nothing to get Drizzt off about.

RON PERLMAN

Why are you even here?

MALACHAI NICOLLE

I’m the audience surrogate. Which would explain why I’m nine years old.

CUT TO:

INT. SCP FOUNDATION - ORANGE

Meanwhile, JOHN is STUDYING the dead body of COBRA COMMANDER.

JOHN HURT

Hmm. Looks like the Commander was carrying a scrap of paper.

PAPER

Karel is hiding out in Siberia!

KAREL SLIPS the editor FIVE BUCKS, and APPEARS after a cutaway.

KAREL RODEN

Actually, I’m right here. Does anyone ever lock their doors around here? Anyway, I’m here trying to find Ron. He was the key to my master plan, but your interference in the beginning put a stop to that. You could even say that his was life was retconned into existence because of a war...and that’s made me very angry.

JOHN HURT

What I did was without choice, in the name of peace and Christianity.

KAREL RODEN

Okay, that's it.

COBRA COMMANDER stabs JOHN in the back! The knife BUSTS out of his CHEST!

JOHN HURT

(dying)

Dammit, that soldier in the opening was right!

CUT TO:

EXT. SIBERIA - BLUE

EVERYONE EXCEPT DOUG has come to SIBERIA for the FINAL BATTLE, but they all FORGOT to check Google Maps for DIRECTIONS to the secret lair.

RON PERLMAN

Don’t worry, I got this.

RON RAISES SOME GUY FROM THE DEAD to ASK HIM FOR DIRECTIONS, because this is the ONLY TIME all movie this ability might have been USEFUL.

DEAD GUY

Chyort voz'mi! Drugoy zombiy fill'm?

RON PERLMAN

Huh? Speak English, centuries-old Russian man!

DEAD GUY

Okay. I was just saying it was typical of this cliche-filled movie that there are zombies in it.

RUPERT EVANS

Yeah, about that. If you’re okay with raising the dead yourself, why didn’t you do it to John Hurt if you love him so much? Or why don’t we do it for all the cannon fodder who were killed by Cobra Commander?

SELMA BLAIR

Look, you’re missing the real important question here: How much can we rip off from the Indiana Jones franchise without people complaining?

The team DESCEND into an ANCIENT, TRAP-FILLED TOMB and discover the answer is QUITE A BIT.

After TRAPS kill everyone without a name, KAREL and THE BARONESS capture RUPERT, SELMA and RON and take them to their LAIR.

SCP-682

I'm here too!

RON KILLS IT, FOR REAL this time.

SCP-682

Fatality!

CUT TO:

INT. KAREL’S LAIR - ORANGE

KAREL RODEN

I’ve built a machine that will destroy the world, and only you can activate it! Speak your true name, or I’ll kill Selma!

RON PERLMAN

My true name? Okay, it's “Hellboy”. I know how these script things work.

RON starts up the ARMAGEDD-O-MATIC.

RON PERLMAN

Hang on. This won’t be one of those weirdly common endings where the machine makes a vertical beam of blue light which opens a big portal in the sky, right?

KAREL RODEN

Don’t worry about that - this scene is orange, not blue! The vertical beam of light will be orange instead!

Fortunately, RUPERT manages to FREE himself, BEAT UP THE BARONESS and CONFRONT RON.

RUPERT EVANS

You don’t have to do this!

RON PERLMAN

You know what? You’re right! I’ve been struggling with my evil nature for more than half a century, but I never thought about it that way before! I don’t have to end the world!

RON STOPS the machine and PUNCHES KAREL, which reveals his TRUE FORM is a HUGE TENTACLE MONSTER.

RON PERLMAN

Tentacle monster? Cool! Knowing how long and epic all the other fights have been, I must be in for one dynamite final battle!

RON is IRONICALLY CORRECT, as he defeats KARELTHULHU inside of THIRTY SECONDS by allowing himself to BE EATEN and EXPLODING HIS WAY OUT.

RON PERLMAN

Where is my god damn CLIMAX?!

He LOOKS AROUND, finding that EVERYONE has GOTTEN BORED and gone to make PACIFIC RIM 2.

RON PERLMAN

Aw, crap.

END