FADE IN:

INT. SUPERMARKET BREAK ROOM - DAY

DESMOND ASKEW and KATIE HOLMES are watching TV when SARAH POLLEY enters. DESMOND approaches SARAH.

DESMOND ASKEW

Hey, Sarah, wanna cover my shift? I've got to go to Vegas so the audience won't have to listen to my annoying accent for another thirty minutes.

SARAH POLLEY

(indifferent)

Sure. Whatever.

INT. SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT - DAY

SARAH is working the cash register while JAY MOHR and SCOTT WOLF are checking out.

JAY MOHR

You know where we can buy some ecstasy?

SARAH POLLEY

(blasé)

This is an LA supermarket. We've got two aisles devoted to illegal drugs.

SCOTT WOLF

Hey, aren't my dimples just the best?

FEMALE AUDIENCE

Sigh.

EXT. DOORSTEP - NIGHT

SARAH and KATIE are arguing outside the entrance to TIMOTHY OLYPHANT'S apartment building.

SARAH POLLEY

(unemotional)

Katie, you've got to go upstairs and hang out with this evil, psychotic, paranoid, horny drug dealer while I go try and sell some ecstasy.

KATIE HOLMES

No way.

SARAH POLLEY

He's sorta cute.

KATIE HOLMES

Really?

KATIE quickly runs upstairs.

EXT. SMALL HOUSE - NIGHT

A Toyota pulls up in front of a small house.

TITLE UP: "8:04 P.M.

AUDIENCE

Hey, didn't they do that in Pulp Fiction?

DOUG LIMAN

Quiet.

INT. TIMOTHY OLYPHANT'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT sits completely naked except for a Santa hat, while KATIE tries to hide her SEXUAL ATTRACTION.

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

Answer the question, Claire. Are you a virgin? Answer the question!

AUDIENCE

Did he just quote The Breakfast Club? Wow! A reference to another movie! I've never seen that done before!

INT. RAVE - NIGHT

SARAH says something nonchalantly to KATIE, but they cannot be heard over the DEAFENING TECHNO MUSIC.

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT

TIMOTHY approaches SARAH brandishing a gun.

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

I want my drugs back, Sarah.

SARAH POLLEY

(offhandedly)

Sure. Fine.

A yellow Miata PLOWS into Sarah, and she indifferently rolls into a ditch.

INT. SUPERMARKET BREAK ROOM - DAY

DESMOND ASKEW

Hey, Sarah, wanna cover my shift? I've got to go to Vegas so the audience won't have to listen to my annoying accent for another thirty minutes.

AUDIENCE

What the fuck?

INT. TRUNK - DAY

DESMOND is banging on the roof of the trunk.

DESMOND ASKEW

Let me out of here!

QUENTIN TARANTINO

All right, that's it. You motherfuckers stop ripping off my movies, man.

DOUG LIMAN

Well, someone had to take over for you, Mr. Broadway actor. Oh, wait, your show closed early, didn't it?

The trunk OPENS to reveal TAYE DIGGS, BRECKIN MEYER and JAMES DUVAL standing there, laughing on the side of the road.

BRECKIN MEYER

Yo, yo, yo. Peep this, muthafucka. Know what I'm sayin?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Yo, ain't nobody act like that muthafucka in real life and shit.

INT. ELEVATOR - NIGHT

DESMOND rides up along with KATHARAINE TOWNE and MARISA MORELL.

DESMOND ASKEW

Hey, you girls want to go back to your room for some tantric sex?

MARISA MORELL

Given that in real life we wouldn't come near an anorexic- looking British guy with a bad haircut with a ten-foot pole sure, why not?

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

BRECKIN and JAMES are lying on their beds when TAYE and DESMOND burst in.

TAYE DIGGS

We've got thirty seconds to make it to the gratuitous car chase! Otherwise, the audience's Attention Deficit Disorder will kick in?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

What's playing next door, yo?

INT. SUPERMARKET BREAK ROOM - DAY

DESMOND ASKEW

Hey, Sarah, wanna cover my shift? I've got to go to Vegas so the audience won't have to listen to my annoying accent for another thirty minutes.

QUENTIN TARANTINO

That's it, I'm out of here.

AUDIENCE

Yeah, us too.

INT. SUPERMARKET AISLE - DAY

JAY and SCOTT place containers of frozen orange juice in their cart.

SCOTT WOLF

(flashing his dimples)

So, how long have you suspected your "girlfriend" of cheating on you?

JAY MOHR

Ever since my "Girlfriend started coming home with random girls" and talking about how many "girls" he's slept with.

SCOTT WOLF

(flashing his dimples)

You think the audience has caught onto the fact that we're gay lovers?

JAY MOHR

Nah, let's give them another twenty minutes of oh-so-subtle banter.

STEVE BUSCEMI

Hey, you guys seen Quentin anywhere around? He told me to meet him here.

EXT. DITCH - NIGHT

JAY and SCOTT are dragging SARAH'S limp body out of the ditch.

SCOTT WOLF

(flashing his dimples)

I can't believe I hit Sarah with my yellow Miata! What a bizarre coincidence that we happened to be the ones who ran her over!

SARAH begins to cough, and JAY and SCOTT drop her body.

JAY MOHR

Look, she's not dead after all! I was afraid I might have to plunge a giant hypodermic needle full of adrenaline into her heart.

QUENTIN TARANTINO

GODDAMMIT!

INT. DINER - DAY

KATIE and TIMOTHY are eating breakfast. TIMOTHY reads the newspaper.

KATIE HOLMES

What's to hate about The Family Circus?

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

It fucking sucks, that's what.

AUDIENCE

YES! Another cultural reference! He's a drug dealer who reads the funny pages! That's not quirky for quirky sake at all!

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

SARAH, KATIE and NATHAN BEXTON walk toward NATHAN'S car.

SARAH POLLEY

Let's get the fuck out of here.

KATIE HOLMES

You bet.

Suddenly, QUENTIN TARANTINO, SAMUEL L. JACKSON, VING RHAMES and HARVEY KEITEL appear brandishing guns and samurai swords.

QUENTIN TARANTINO

Time to get medieval on your asses.

END