FADE IN:

EXT. SONORA DESERT A.K.A. THE WINDIEST PLACE ON EARTH

DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG brings in one of those undustrial sized MOVIE SET FANS and uses it to BLOW ALL OF HIS ACTORS AWAY. We meet PIERRE ESCARGOT DR. FRANÇOIS TRUFFAUT and his interpreter, BOB BALABAN, as they investigate a CLOSE ENCOUNTER OF THE FIRST KIND.

FRANÇOIS TRUFFAUT

(yelling over wind)

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS? THESE ARE THE PLANES THAT WENT MISSING DURING WORLD WAR II, AND THEY'RE FULLY OPERATIONAL! AND THIS OLD MAN SAYS THAT THE SUN CAME DURING THE NIGHT AND SANG TO HIM. ISN'T THIS CRAZY?

BOB BALABAN

(holding on to a pole for support)

COULD WE POSSIBLY GO INSIDE THIS SHACK STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO US AND TALK? WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO HEAR EACH OTHER.

STEVEN SPIELBERG

(sitting in directors chair)

NO! DO IT HERE! ALSO, LET ME BLAST MORE SAND INTO YOUR MOUTHS!

INT. MUNCIE, INDIANA

3 year old CARY GUFFEY wakes up in the middle of the night after his CREEPY-ASS TOYS start operating on their own. His mother, MELINDA DILLON, also wakes up, and looks out the window to find CARY outside.

MILINDA DILLON

Cary. Cary! Cary? I will just keep calling your name over and over again until it magically brings you back into the house!

CARY GUFFEY

Hi mom! I found a stranger in our kitchen, and decided to follow them outside. Tee hee! Aren't I so lovable and cute! Oh by the way, they emptied the contents of our fridge, which mainly consists of Coca Cola, eggs, and asparagus. Seriously, can we eat something else for a change?

(runs out into the night)

MELINDA DILLON

Cary. Cary! Cary? Shit, this isn't working... I guess I'll have to go out and chase him myself.

MELINDA and her SEVERE LACK OF BRA go out and chase after CARY.

INT. RICHARD'S HOUSE

We see the home life of electrician RICHARD DREYFUSS, his wife TERI GARR, and their three kids.

TERI GARR

Dear, could you stop joking about killing our children for a minute? There's someone on the phone for you.

RICHARD DREYFUSS

(listening on the phone)

Oh no, Teri! There's a power outage! And its bound to hit us--

(electricity goes out)

...pretty soon.

As he investigates the power outages, a UFO hovers over his car. He then experiences a CLOSE ENCOUNTER OF THE SECOND KIND when the UFO telekinetically VANDALIZES his radio, the items in his car, and the railroad signs nearby. After all that stops, the UFO flies away.

RICHARD DREYFUSS

(pause)

What a complete and utter bunch of fucking assholes.

RICHARD chases after the UFO and almost runs over CARY and MELINDA.

RICHARD DREYFUSS

Holy shit! Sorry for almost killing you and everything, but we should leave now. There's some creepy shit out here.

MELINDA DILLON

You mean the UFOs flying around?

RICHARD DREYFUSS

Well no, I actually meant that whistling guy and his weirdo family standing over there. It's as if they knew UFOs were coming or something.

MELINDA DILLON

Yeah, well they're clearly not that weird... Look! There's four more of them flying right down the street! And one of them used it's blinker to give the other UFO notice before pulling in front of him. And another one is in the HOV lane but it's okay because they had two or more people in the vehicle.

RICHARD DREYFUSS

It's sad that the aliens know more about obeying basic American traffic laws than some humans do.

Meanwhile...

INT. ELSEWHERE

FRANÇOIS and BOB meet with a group of United Nations specialists.

FRANÇOIS TRUFFAUT

Greetings everyone. We have just come back from India, where another UFO sighting has occurred. We also got to witness the best damn impromptu men's choir ever. Seriously, their harmonization is amazing.

BOB BALABAN

Yes. They were chanting "Aaya Re! Aaya," meaning "he is come" in Hindi, to the tune of some very pretty notes.

FRANÇOIS TRUFFAUT

It's a five tonal musical phrase in the major scale, you UNCULTURED SWINE. Moving on, I will now teach you all the Kodály method of hand gestures that represent the different notes. And after that, shadow puppets!

Later, FRANÇOIS and his team of scientists broadcast the tones into outer space, and receive a series of numbers in return.

BOB BALABAN

Ooooh I know this! These are longitudinal coordinates! And they point to Wyoming, a state mostly known for it's beautiful geographical features. Including that one plateau-like structure known as the Devil's Tower!

ALIENS

(up in space)

We were actually saying "send nudes" but sure, that works too.

FRANÇOIS TRUFFAUT

Excellent! We will now conspire with the military and NASA and create a false scare in order to get three hundred thousand people to leave the area, so we can conduct experiments there! Operation Alien Watergate has commenced!

BOB BALABAN

Cool, yeah, fuck the public! Why would they need to know anything?

INT. MELINDA'S HOUSE

MELINDA draws approximately one thousand pictures of plateau-like structures.

MELINDA DILLON

I sure do love obsessively drawing the same picture over and over again, especially after I saw that UFO recently. I also love that my son keeps playing nothing but the same five notes on his toy xylophone for the past couple of days. Nope, nothing suspicious about this! Shut up YOU'RE crazy!

A UFO comes towards her house. The aliens continue their ASSHOLE BEHAVIOR by telekinetically fucking up the appliances in MELINDA'S house, and then abducting CARY!

MELINDA DILLON

I will sue the shit out of anyone who knew about this before hand.

INT. RICHARD'S HOUSE

RICHARD sculpts something in his mashed potatoes.

TERI GARR

Is something wrong, dear?

RICHARD DREYFUSS

That's it, you people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

TERI GARR

Okay, what the fuck is the matter with you lately?

RICHARD DREYFUSS

I don't know, I've been real messed up ever since I saw that UFO. Did I tell you about that? They vandalized my car and shined a bright light on me!

TERI GARR

Yeah I can see that. Half of your face is sunburned! What, do the aliens only use UV lamps?

RICHARD DREYFUSS

I don't know, maybe they're going to spring break at Cancun in a few weeks an need a good base tan! Regardless, ever since that encounter, I can't stop thinking about tall, plateau-like structures. I'm obsessed and I don't know why. And it is now that I begin profusely sweating throughout the rest of the movie!

TERI GARR

Well, as a mother and wife, my first step would be to acknowledge that my husband is acting erratically, so I perhaps I should have him psychologically evaluated while assuring my children that their dad will be okay I will yell at my husband relentlessly! And also yell at my hysterical and confused children!

RICHARD DREYFUSS

(sweating)

And I will yell at you right back!

TERI GARR

AAAHHH!!

RICHARD DREYFUSS

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!

RICHARD AND TERI'S CHILDREN

(glancing at their future psychiatry bills)

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

The next morning...

RICHARD DREYFUSS

Teri, I'm sorry for my behavior recently. I'm going to stop obsessing over this, and I promise, things will go back to normal.

(.02 seconds later)

I FINALLY REALIZED WHAT THE STRUCTURE IS! KIDS, HELP DADDY BRING DIRT AND MUD INTO THE HOUSE!!!

TERI GARR

What. The. Fuck.

RICHARD DREYFUSS

(sweating)

DON'T WORRY HONEY I'M JUST GOING TO SCULPT A GIANT MUD TOWER IN OUR HOME!

TERI GARR

Just a thought, have you considered doing this, I don't know, OUTSIDE?

RICHARD DREYFUSS

YES THAT WOULD BE EASIER BUT THIS IS MORE DRAMATIC! FUCK YOU, LIVING ROOM!

TERI takes the kids and leaves. While sculpting, RICHARD sees footage of the DEVIL'S TOWER on the news.

REPORTER

If you have just tuned in, and are also having a soul-crushing, family destroying obsession, then we've got the perfectly timed story for you. We are evacuating this part of Wyoming because of a chemical spill that has released toxic gas into the air. Our sources tell me, and I quote, "yeah, umm, this is totally serious. Def don't come here. We are very much telling the truth. Soooo, yeah... don't come here"

EXT. WYOMING

RICHARD SWEATS his way over to the Devil's Tower and finds MELINDA, who also traveled there. They are captured, and RICHARD is brought into questioning by FRANÇOIS and BOB.

FRANÇOIS TRUFFAUT

Alright sir, we're going to ask you some questions. And you better answer truthfully. And for God's sake, have a glass of water.

RICHARD DREYFUSS

I'm on to you people. This whole thing is a set up! I mean seriously, if you're going to go through the trouble of murdering a bunch of farm animals to prove the existence of a toxic gas, the least you could do is not perfectly line up their corpses by the side of the road.

BOB BALABAN

We actually did that? Wow, we are committed. Fucked up... but committed.

FRANÇOIS TRUFFAUT

Look Bob, this man and a handful of others are saying they were compelled to come here by forces they don't understand. And since Spielburg is not-so-subtly hinting at a Pinnochio-esque sense of wish fulfillment, I'm willing to believe him. But how can we convince the military to let them stay here?

BOB BALABAN

How about we just put them in a helicopter and leave them there with the doors open and no security to watch them?

FRANÇOIS TRUFFAUT

I love it!

RICHARD and MELINDA escape and hike up to the other side of the tower. And MELINDA is still braless and GIRL, WHAT THE HELL, HOW IS THAT COMFORTABLE? Also, the guy who NEVER SHOULD'A QUIT JOGGING was left passed out on the side of a mountain, and let's face it, probably died of EXPOSURE.

EXT. ALIEN CONCERT - STUDIO 54 - NIGHT

RICHARD and MELINDA look down at the UFO greeting site. Multiple UFOs descend down, as well as the HUGE MOTHERSHIP! They hover above FRANÇOIS and BOB, who have just started their own musical group, DJ Government Speciali5t and the Conspiratorz.

Then, MELINDA experiences a THIRD encounter of the CLOSE kind when RICHARD kisses her.

MELINDA DILLON

Wow, so, is this the pinnacle of our unspoken connection? A connection not of romantic desire, but rather, a meaningful bond built on something inexplicable and indescribable? A celebration of joy after finding out that we are indeed not crazy?

RICHARD DREYFUSS

(staring at her lack of bra)

Uhhh... yeah, that's it.

Down at the site, DJ Government Speciali5t plays the musical phrase on his dinky, little piano. The MOTHERSHIP then whips out a MOTHERFUCKING TUBA and ANNIHILATES EVERYONE'S EARDRUMS.

FRANÇOIS TRUFFAUT

This is it, everyone! We are communicating with them! Music truly is a universal language! Oh, and make sure the aria in the upper stretto gets more accelerando. Glissando.

They continue to play their musical conversation, while at the same time, putting on a fabulous DISCO PARTY. And JOHN WILLIAMS thinks no one would notice that he snuck the JAWS THEME in there.

Afterward, the aliens come out of the ship and release the abducted WWII soldiers, as well as CARY!

BOB BALABAN

Jeez, I'd like to thank whoever made the decision to have these aliens heavily backlit, because otherwise they'd look extremely goofy. You know, as opposed to partially goofy.

RICHARD DREYFUSS

Woah, the aliens are inviting me onto the ship. I guess I have a decision to make. On one hand, this is what my character has been waiting for. But on the other hand, if I go with them, this will allow some people to come up with the asinine theory that I turned into the alien that appears later and uses the Kodály hand gestures with François.

MELINDA DILLON

Do people actually think that? That's so dumb. But you should still go. As for me, I've got Cary back, so I'll spend my future raising my son, and also breaking my husband's leg lamp.

RICHARD DREYFUSS

You're right. I'll do it! What a magnificent ending to a whimsical, wondrous movie!

RICHARD goes into the mothership and embarks on his new journey, while "When You Wish Upon A Star" plays.

TERI GARR

Get back here and be with your kids you fucking deadbeat! And don't even get me started on the house of ours you just wrecked!

RICHARD DREYFUSS

Heh heh... toooooooootally forgot about that. Oops!

YEAH. OOPS.