FADE IN:

INT. RESTAURANT KITCHEN

CHEF JON FAVREAU and some of his STUNT DOUBLES with BETTER COOKING SKILLS prepare to START THE DAY at RESTAURANT CASA DI BLAND.

JON FAVREAU

Come on people, let's get this show on the road! Do kitchen things! Make food happen! Communicate your personalities to the audience as you do so!

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

We're all basically just playing ourselves, boss.

JON FAVREAU

Even better! Come on! Talk over each other! Improvise silly moments of humanity! Patter, patter, patter! Do I have to do everything myself?!

BOBBY CANNAVALE

Apparently, considering how you did everything in this movie except make the actual food.

JON FAVREAU

That's enough out of you! Food is my baby! I eat, drink, and sleep food! Food is like the son I never had!

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Don't you HAVE a son?

JON FAVREAU

SHIT!

JON goes to pick up his SON, EMJAY ANTHONY.

JON FAVREAU

Sorry I'm a crap dad, Emjay.

EMJAY ANTHONY

S'okay, pops. I'm making great progress killing the part of my soul that feels disappointment, like many children of divorce.

JON FAVREAU

What's say I make it up to you? Where you wanna go?

EMJAY ANTHONY

Disneyland?

JON FAVREAU

Farmer's market it is! Good choice, sonny boy!

EXT. FARMER'S MARKET

JON does some SHOPPING for the RESTAURANT while occasionally acknowledging his SON exists.

JON FAVREAU

So you're what, fourteen? Fifteen?

EMJAY ANTHONY

Ten.

JON FAVREAU

Good, then you're plenty old enough to hear some exposition about my career woes. You see, we got a big critic coming to the restaurant tonight. He's like the Roger Ebert of food, and he's going to shit on everything I cook. Possibly literally, this guy is hardcore.

EMJAY ANTHONY

Wow. Well, I hope he gives you a fair shake.

JON FAVREAU

Nah, critics hate me. They're mean. They can't create anything so they get their cheap thrills tearing down great artists with their tiny, impotent, flaccid-

EMJAY ANTHONY

Still salty about Iron Man 2, huh dad?

JON FAVREAU

IT HAD GOOD IDEAS I WAS JUST WORKING UNDER TIME CONSTRAINTS FUCK YOU "INFERIOR SEQUEL" MY ASS.

JON dumps his son at a TRUCK STOP or something and heads back to the RESTAURANT to prepare for TONIGHT'S BIG REVIEW.

JON FAVREAU

Alright guys, we're going to give this critic's tongue a fucking orgasm. We're going to give this guy's colon a massage with a happy ending. We're going to fill this guy's stomach with holy manna so that he shits pure enlightenment for a week. Let's start with some bacon. We'll need a shitton of bacon and-

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Jon, the boss is here, he wants to get pissed at you for no reason.

JON FAVREAU

Damn. Thanks ScarJo. Please go back to being the most superhumanly gorgeous restaurant hostess ever glimpsed by man.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Truly my talents are being well-used in this film.

BOSSMAN DUSTIN HOFFMAN appears to give JON a good BERATING.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Jon, I get that you're an incredible chef who makes incredible food that's made me more money than god. It is for these reasons that I simply must put my foot down. I want you to cook mediocre food tonight. It's the only way to be sure we'll succeed.

JON FAVREAU

Dammit, Dustin. You can't shackle my creativity! I'm an artist! I operate on an emotional level you can't possibly understand with your tiny, greedy little-

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Jon, I love you man, but to millions of people you're still just Monica's boyfriend. Get the fuck off your high horse and cook something I can sell.

Suitably chastened, JON cooks a menu of RAW RAMEN NOODLES flavored with SALTED BUTTER and a splash of AIR. That night he celebrates with the STAFF.

JON FAVREAU

Good job today, guys! And now let's read the review out loud together! And remember, this is just as much about you as it is about me. Except it's totally about me. Ahem...

(reads)

"Jon Favreau's latest offering is a tepid slice of pointlessness served with a lukewarm glass of meh. His creative hallucination, I hesitate to call it a 'vision', was birthed from the most puerile fluctuation of neurons to inhabit a human brain since some Neanderthal decided the DVD rewinder was a good idea. Favreau should burn his whole house down. The charred corpses would probably taste better than his food. Also, he's fat. IGN 8.5 out of 10."

PAUSE.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

That's the saddest thing I've ever seen. And I was in the Mario Brothers movie. Jesus.

Later, JON goes to capitulate with his EX-WIFE SOFIA VERGARA.

SOFIA VERGARA

So, how you doing? Seeing anyone new?

JON FAVREAU

Well, the bad review really hurt my feelings, you know? But sometimes me and ScarJo go back to my place for a fun night of weed and gourmet cuisine, so you know, I'll probably survive.

SOFIA VERGARA

Well, I'm here if you need anything. Literally anything. Like, it doesn't even feel like we're divorced at all, considering how open I am to caring for you, supporting you financially, and raising our not-at-all-Latino-looking son together.

JON FAVREAU

Ugh, two supermodels want nothing more than to help me with all my problems. My life is so hard right now.

INT. RESTAURANT

JON fucks around in the kitchen with a GLOWING RECTANGULAR BOX that SUMMONS WORDS and SPEAKS with the TINY VOICES of people FAR AWAY.

JON LEGUIZAMO

It's called a smartphone, boss.

JON FAVREAU

Smart....phone, you say?

BOBBY CANNAVALE

Yeah. If this were 2008 your tech illiteracy might be cute and relevant but, I mean, you got 90-year old grandmas who use iPads nowadays. You might as well express confusion that we can summon fire by turning these magical stove knobs.

JON FAVREAU

Hmm, I wonder if I can use this intelligent telephone to tell that critic to go fuck himself. Perhaps this tiny bird will carry the message for me.

JON tweets a good ol' DISS TWEET at the CRITIC.

JON FAVREAU

I feel much better now.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

YO! GET IN HERE, COWBOYS & ALIENS.

JON FAVREAU

What's up, boss?

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Your tweet has been retweeted by approximately EVERY PERSON. Our critic is coming back tonight for a rematch.

JON FAVREAU

This is awesome! What a perfect opportunity to impress him and wash away the bad review!

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

No this is terrible! That bad review got us thousands more customers, for some reason! I won't have you mucking with the system, even though the system gets shit reviews!

JON FAVREAU

I can't work under these conditions! I quit!

JON storms out in a huff. Later, food critic OLIVER PLATT shows up for his NEW FOOD.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I'm sorry, Mr. Platt. Chef Favreau has gone koo-koo bananas and unfortunately will not be serving his famous koo-koo bananas flambé.

OLIVER PLATT

Well, what do you have for me?

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Some grade-A, premium bullshit with noodles. Enjoy!

While OLIVER is served FRIED BULLSHIT, BROILED BULLSHIT, and BULLSHIT A L'ORANGE in BULLSHIT SAUCE, JON cooks at home, making AMAZING FRITTERS, GENIUS ON RYE, and a flaky CREME DE AWESOME with some EUPHORIA drizzled on top. Having wasted enough FOOD to feed SYRIA, he goes back to the RESTAURANT to confront OLIVER.

JON FAVREAU

Hey there, buddy. Enjoying your meal? Well, just let me know if there's anything else I can BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH YOU PRETENTIOUS, UNLOVEABLE TWAT. SCREW YOU AND THE SHITTY FOOD BLOG YOU RODE IN ON, YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND THE CREATIVE PROCESS, I'M AN ARTIST, I WORK HARD ON THE THINGS I MAKE AND YOU JUST TEAR THEM DOWN BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN GET AN ERECTION. FUCK YOUR FAT FACE SERIOUSLY WHY ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF MY WEIGHT WHEN YOU'RE JUST AS CHUBBY? IN CONCLUSION, COME AT ME SCRUBLORD, I'M RIPPED.

OLIVER PLATT

Still salty about Zathura, huh?

JON FAVREAU

IT'S NOT A JUMANJI RIPOFF IT WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT FUCK YOU CRITICS I MADE IRON MAN.

INT. JON'S HOUSE

The newly unemployed JON watches his ALL-SEEING EYE that observes TRUE THINGS that are not PRESENT and finds out the VIDEO of his MELTDOWN has done something called "GONE VIRAL".

EMJAY ANTHONY

It means everyone can see you going Gordon Ramsay on that food critic, dad. Literally everyone. Because mid-level chefs are a topic of international interest, apparently.

JON FAVREAU

Dammit. Make the video disappear. Make it gone. Change it to a state of non-existence.

EMJAY ANTHONY

Can't, dad. It's out there now. But you could always cash in on viral infamy.

JON FAVREAU

No, dammit, I have far too much integrity. I just want to cook food. I'd do anything to get that opportunity again.

EMJAY ANTHONY

Even come crawling back to your ex-wife begging for handouts?

JON FAVREAU

(sighs)

(removes genitals)

Yes...

JON gets a tip from SOFIA about a ratty old FOOD TRUCK he can use. But to get the truck, first he must deal with SOFIA's OTHER EX-HUSBAND, none other than-

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Well, this is quite a reversal. Now it is YOU who comes crawling to ME begging for another shot at fame and stardom. Well don't worry, bro, you transformed me pretty much overnight from a barely-sober SNL reject into the biggest star in the world, so the least I could do is give you a shitty food truck in return. It's parked out back. Enjoy.

JON FAVREAU

Wow, this was easy. There's no bad blood between us at all? Even though we used to be sort of friends and we both married the same woman for a time?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Nope, we're kosher. We've officially passed the point in this film where anything goes wrong for you. It's all just you cooking and eating and succeeding from here on out.

JON FAVREAU

Well, I mean, come on, we can't pay for Iron Man to show up just so he can hand me some car keys. Let's do some riffing to pad things out.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Ugh fine. But you-

JON FAVREAU

Wait-

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

Inside the-

JON FAVREAU

Yes, and-

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

My wife-

JON FAVREAU

Talking over-

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

With a duck-

JON FAVREAU

Christmas blues-

ROBERT DOWNEY JR

And all at the same time. Cool. Good scene bro. I demand third billing.

EXT. PARKING LOT

JON discovers ROBERT's FOOD TRUCK is actually a HOT MESS on WHEELS.

JON FAVREAU

Welp, this is why god invented child labor. Come on Emjay, let's learn you some nonsense about the value of hard labor.

EMJAY ANTHONY

Ughhhh....

The pair spend some time CLEANING YEARS OF CRUD off of EVERY SURFACE of the TRUCK.

EMJAY ANTHONY

This is terrible. You're terrible! I'm going to run away from home and smoke drugs and join a cult!

JON FAVREAU

Oh man. I'm sorry I haven't been the best dad, Emjay. I've just been so distracted by my work. Can't you forgive me?

EMJAY ANTHONY

No.

JON FAVREAU

Well too bad, daddy needs some kitchen staff and you're the only one I've got.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

(helicoptering in)

Make that two!

JON FAVREAU

John! What are you doing here?

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

I quit my job at the old restaurant after you went nuts. I'm here to work for you! It's gonna be great!

JON FAVREAU

Yeah! As long as you don't mind long hours, zero benefits, low pay, and sleeping on a grill in a fucking food truck.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

My Latin cooking skills are yours to command.

The trio begin TOURING MIAMI making AWESOME SANDWICHES and generally being HAPPY.

JON FAVREAU

Man! Minimum waging is fucking awesome! Way better than that high-paying, high-pressure chef job I used to have!

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Hell yeah! And you even seem to be bonding with that kid of yours!

JON FAVREAU

Oh yeah! I have a kid! And we have things in common now! How you doing son?

EMJAY ANTHONY

Aren't we breaking like four-billion child labor laws having me operate a grill?

JON FAVREAU

Not if the cops can't catch us! Hit the gas, John! Where we're going, there ARE no laws!

EXT. NEW ORLEANS

JON takes EMJAY to go get a good old fashioned N'awleans BEIGNET.

EMJAY ANTHONY

Wow, I really like this food, dad. This is good food. I love you and this food.

JON FAVREAU

Sweet! I knew there was a way I could be a good dad without sacrificing my obsession with my career. Hell, maybe you could even be useful to me-

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Jon, quit bonding! We've got a line at the food truck stretching from the Red Light district to the Other Red Light District!

JON FAVREAU

Dear god that's a huge line! How did this happen?

EMJAY ANTHONY

I've been tweeting our movements. You're still hot shit on the internet, dad. I made a hashtag and everything. You're blowing up.

JON FAVREAU

You ARE useful! I love you son! Also-

JON makes a BLOOD SACRIFICE of FIVE STOUT GOATS to thank the TINY SPIRITS that inhabit his son's GLOWING RECTANGLE.

EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS

The movie suddenly STOPS WORKING and a FOOD CHANNEL TRAVELOGUE starts playing instead as JON and CO. drive around places, COOKING, EATING, and generally making the audience HUNGRY as BALLS.

JON FAVREAU

Son, this has been an incredible bonding experience. But soon it's going to have to end. I mean, I've been incredibly lucky that my kid was willing to spend two months of his summer vacation doing hard kitchen labor with his dad, but real life always catches up to us. You're going to have to go back to school soon.

EMJAY ANTHONY

But I can still work for you on the weekends, right?

JON FAVREAU

No. That wouldn't work.

EMJAY ANTHONY

So you're basically telling me that... I'm never going to see you again because on weekdays I'll have school and on weekends you'll be working and/or traveling?

JON FAVREAU

Kinda yeah. Sorry kid. Enjoy therapy.

But then JON's COMMUNICATION PORTAL spits out a VIDEO of all the FUN TIMES he had with his SON.

JON FAVREAU

I bow to your wisdom, oh magical device that summons the Birds of Anger and crushes much candy. I shall continue be a father to my son.

EXT. FOOD TRUCK CONVENTION THING

JON, EMJAY, JOHN, and even SOFIA all work at the FOOD TRUCK, which is fucking KILLING IT.

OLIVER PLATT

Hey, I'd like two Cuban sandwiches with a side of Lazy Plot Resolution, please.

JON FAVREAU

Ugh, what are you doing here?

OLIVER PLATT

Well, I'd like to invest in your talent. Turns out there's a lot of money in insulting chefs for a living, so I'm fucking loaded right now.

JON FAVREAU

Wait, really?

OLIVER PLATT

Yup. Basically I'm going to buy a restaurant and pay you a trillion dollars to have total creative control over the kitchen.

JON FAVREAU

That sounds....reasonable.

OLIVER PLATT

Hell, I'll even throw Sofia Vergara into the bargain. She loves you again, somehow.

JON FAVREAU

You sure I can't have my own ScarJo too?

OLIVER PLATT

Don't push it, buddy.

INT. NEW RESTAURANT

JON's new RESTAURANT is a RESOUNDING SUCCESS because OF COURSE IT IS. JON and SOFIA dance to signify how MARRIED they are.

JON FAVREAU

What a cute, entertaining little odyssey this was. Sometimes it's important to remember what's really important in life. Expensive projects and high pressure situations can be gratifying, but now and then you need to do something small and personal, to get back to basics and reconnect with all the people you lost along the way.

(pause)

That's enough of that shit.

JON signs on to make a 150 MILLION DOLLAR JUNGLE BOOK ADAPTATION.

END