FADE IN:

EXT. GOTHAM CITY

BAT-VAL arrives at a hostage situation!

BAT-VAL

Whoa! Gotham City's so neon bright and colourful. I feel like I've stumbled onto Vanilla Ice's "Blade Runner".

COMMISSIONER PAT HINGLE

(grimly)

They won't be complaining about too much colour in a Batman movie in two decades, believe me. I'll let psychologist Nicole Kidman explain the situation.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Wow, it's been more than two decades since this movie came out?

(shakes head)

Anyway, Tommy Lee Jones has taken over that bank!

BAT-VAL

Ooh, what Batman villain is he playing? Wait, don't tell me. Let's see...half of him is bright pink...he's covered in stripes...

(gasps)

My God! It's the Pink Zebra!

PAT HINGLE

Eh, close enough.

BAT-VAL busts into the bank!

TOMMY LEE JONES

Okay costumed henchmen! Be sure to use your machine guns when Bat-Val is sheltering behind something, but throw them away when he's uncovered and fight him in melee combat! And please, fight him one at time!

BAT-VAL

If only I'd brought some "BAM!" and "POW!" sound effects, this would be almost identical to the sixties Batman.

TOMMY traps BAT-VAL in a BANK VAULT with the MOST ANNOYING GUY IN THE UNIVERSE.

MOST ANNOYING GUY IN THE UNIVERSE

Omigodomigodomigod this vault is filling with acid! AAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOMMY LEE JONES

And now to drag this vault through the skies of Gotham by helicopter!

BAT-VAL

If you replaced all the cash in these deposit boxes with acid, why bother robbing the bank at all? Or stealing the entire vault, for that matter?

TOMMY LEE JONES

I just hate you that much! Which raises the question of why I don't just drop you.

BAT-VAL

You'll never get away with this Pink Zebra!

TOMMY LEE JONES

Hey, I'm Two-Face!

BAT-VAL

Dammit, really?

TOMMY LEE JONES

Yeah! I've got one personality that's a hammy, laughing, unspeakably evil bastard, and another personality that's a hammy, laughing, unspeakably evil bastard!

BAT-VAL

...what is even the point of you then?

TOMMY accidentally crashes his helicopter against the STATUE OF LIBERTY, which Gotham has? BAT-VAL and TOMMY manage to escape.

BAT-VAL

I guess if Gotham can have Wall Street in "The Dark Knight Rises" it can also have the Statue of Liberty.

INT. WAYNE ENTERPRISES - RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT

VAL KILMER is inspecting the new projects, and meets JIM CARREY:

JIM CARREY

(is Jim Carrey)

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod it’s Val! Check it out, Val! I invented this super cool machine that beams television directly into a person’s brain! And if you make me your partner then we can be BFFs forever and ever and ever!

VAL KILMER

(beat)

Okay, why? We're not talking about specially treated signals here. We're talking about mid-1990s, low definition, analog TV signals. How would beaming them directly into the brain improve the viewing experience?

JIM CARREY

It also comes with this bulky, silly-looking helmet!

VAL KILMER

Yeah, this is stupid.

VAL suddenly sees the BAT-SIGNAL out the window.

VAL KILMER

Sorry Jim, gotta go. Thank God that I just happened to glance out the window and I happened to be in a room with windows facing the Bat-signal and that it even had windows in the first place and a whole bunch of other things so I'll shut up now.

EXT. BAT-SIGNAL

BAT-VAL arrives.

BAT-VAL

What's the emergency? Where's Pat Hingle?

NICOLE KIDMAN

No emergency. No Pat Hingle. Just...

(reveals lingerie)

Bat-Nipples.

BAT-VAL

Are you fucking kidding me? Ra's Al Ghul could be burning down half the city right now.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Sorry Bat-Val, but I really need to seduce the murderous vigilante I met for twelve seconds.

BAT-VAL

(actual line)

It's the car, right? Chicks love the car.

(beat)

...wait, what made me say that?

NICOLE KIDMAN

You can't resist me! I've researched you thoroughly!

BAT-VAL

Then you should know I've murdered lots of people in the previous movies. Just leave me alone.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Shan't!

BAT-VAL

(actual line)

(dismissively)

Women.

(beat)

Wow, what is with me today?

INT. WAYNE ENTERPRISES - RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT

JIM CARREY kidnaps his boss to perform experiments on him.

JIM CARREY

(is Jim Carrey to the extreme)

Gasp! This device lets me read my boss's mind! I...I'm a genius!

JIM'S BOSS

You accidently cracked open my brain while trying to adjust the reception on your TV. I'm pretty sure that does not make you a genius.

JIM CARREY

Whatever.

(pushes boss into conveniently-placed waterfall)

Time to go batshit crazy. (No pun intended). I'm going to start by leaving Val Kilmer riddles, despite the fact that I don't decide on the Riddler persona for another thirty minutes.

INT. NEWS BROADCAST

NEWSREADER

And now a ten-second recap of Tommy Lee Jones's origin story, because the most interesting thing about Two-Face is the part we skim over.

TOMMY LEE JONES

(in flashback)

Aaaargh! My face! Half of it's burning away!

(beat)

Grrrr! This makes me so angry! The mob destroyed my face, so obviously I'll go fight Batman!

INT. NICOLE KIDMAN'S OFFICE

VAL KILMER kicks opens NICOLE'S doors.

VAL KILMER

Nicole! Will you go to the circus with me!?

NICOLE KIDMAN

This is the first time you've met me as Bruce Wayne! Do you just randomly burst into doctors' offices and ask them to go out with you?

VAL KILMER

Well I also wanted to show you this.

(hands over riddle)

NICOLE KIDMAN

(reading riddle)

"If you've seen my acting on TV, you'll know I'm not the definition of subtlety".

(beat)

You really have no idea who this is?

VAL KILMER

I think whoever is sending me these riddles is obsessed with me and wants to kill me, but I can’t figure out who it is.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Gee, I dunno, have you met anyone in the past few days who was totally obsessed with you? Someone who's lifelong dream was just scrapped by you?Someone who appeared highly volatile and was engaging in research that you cancelled for being morally questionable? Someone who was connected with a recent death at your company that you yourself said was really suspicious? Someone who had a bobblehead on their desk with the same green and black question mark logo as this riddle? Someone the World's Greatest Detective should have figured out?

VAL KILMER

(beat)

Nah, can't think of anyone.

(fiddles with desk ornament)

By the way, why are you so obsessed with Bat-Val?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Well, the real reason is so we can have Clark Kent/Superman/Lois Lane love triangle-style shenanigans. But also his self-destructive psyche sexually arouses me, so I must pursue him at great risk to myself and others.

VAL KILMER

Wow, that takes the term "counter transference" to a whole new level. I don't know if this makes you a terrible psychologist or a terrible romantic.

INT. CIRCUS

NICOLE KIDMAN

This is so much fun!

VAL KILMER

I know, I'm so glad I asked the woman who's obsessed with my secret alter-ego on a date!

(beat)

By the way, would you like to go rock-climbing with me this weekend?

NICOLE KIDMAN

No! No, it's just...I'm in love with someone else. Someone who clearly doesn't want to be with me, who has long pointed ears and a cape. But it's not Bat-Val.

(beat)

Not too sure why I'm on a date with you now, if that's the case. Maybe I just really like clowns.

Suddenly TOMMY LEE JONES takes over the circus!

TOMMY LEE JONES

If one of you chumps doesn't admit to being Bat-Val in the next two minutes, I'm going to blow up this entire circus! Including myself! And all my henchmen!

VAL KILMER

Dammit, his armed goons are holding the entire audience hostage. How am I going to slip out and change into Bat-Val?

(beat)

Eh, I'll just start beating people up as Bruce Wayne. Tommy already suspects one of us of being Bat-Val so...

(starts kicking ass)

CHRIS O'DONNELL

Me and my acrobat family will help!

VAL KILMER

(judo throwing thug)

Hellooo, I've stepped out into the center of the ring. Anyone notice me doing karate?

Eventually the DAY IS SAVED, but CHRIS O'DONNELL'S FAMILY have been murdered!

PAT HINGLE

My God. Sprayed with machine gun fire and then dropped fifty feet. And not a drop of blood spilled from any of them. Our PG rating cannot thank them enough.

INT. STATELY KILMER MANOR - SOME TIME LATER

CHRIS O'DONNELL

Well, thanks for letting me stay at your house after the tragic death of my family, Val. But it's time I went and murdered Tommy Lee Jones.

VAL KILMER

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who just causally drops something like that in conversation?

CHRIS O'DONNELL

Me. I do.

VAL KILMER

Well, I just don't approve of seeking vengeance! If you stay with me I'll give you one of my motorcycles.

CHRIS O'DONNELL

A motorcycle? Or vengeance for my murdered family? Hmmm...

Suddenly, VAL has a FLASH BACK to the MURDER of HIS PARENTS!

DIRECTOR JOEL SCHUMACHER

Everything is blue now. That means it's sad.

EXT. NEON GOTHAM CITY

TOMMY LEE JONES tries to murder BAT-VAL, but he drives his entire BATMOBILE up the side of an apartment building with a grappling hook!

ADAM WEST

(shaking head)

Some of us just like to WALK up the side of building, old chum.

TENANT

(sticking head out of window)

Hey, what's going on out h-

(decapitated)

INT. TOMMY LEE JONES'S HIDEOUT.

We see TOMMY enjoying TWO CIGARS at once, TWO GIRLFRIENDS at once, and TWO DINNERS at once.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Two girlfriends? Given how I try to do two of everything at once this raises many, many questions about my sex life.

JIM CARREY

(is less Jim Carrey than before, disappointingly)

Did someone say...questions?

TOMMY LEE JONES

(is Jim Carrey)

Who the hell are you?

JIM CARREY

I'm the Riddler! I just stitched myself a supervillain persona from the bobblehead on my desk!

TOMMY LEE JONES

Wow, we were a hair's breadth away from being terrorised by "the Hello Kitty".

JIM CARREY

I want you to help me put my TV brainwave device in every Gotham household! And in return I'll help you crush Bat-Val!

TOMMY LEE JONES

I think you'd have more luck selling those things if you just made them white and shiny, but okay.

EXT. GOTHAM

JIM and TOMMY go a wild crime-spree!

JIM CARREY

Where's Bat-Val in all of this? We've bumped over ten thousand jewellery stores!

TOMMY LEE JONES

He's brooding! Possibly over Nicole, or maybe a hangnail...This movie doesn't care!

They use the STOLEN MONEY to market JIM'S LAVA LAMP invention, so they can put one in every GOTHAM HOME.

JIM CARREY

Now we can suck out everyone's intelligence!

TOMMY LEE JONES

Too bad the movie was doing that by itself. Hey-ooo!

JIM CARREY

Thank God no-one notices the neon green stream of brainwaves beaming out of everyone's skulls, flowing in a giant river through the Gotham sky and over the ocean to my giant fucking Dr. Moreau island.

EXT. GOTHAM

CHRIS discovers the BATMOBILE and takes it for a spin!

CHRIS O'DONNELL

Yikes. Forget "Blade Runner by way of Vanilla Ice". This Gotham set looks like someone turned an ultraviolet light on a one-hundred-clown orgy.

BAT-VAL

Chris! What are you doing out with my car?

(beat)

No seriously. You're popping in and out of the Batmobile in civilian clothes, drawing as much attention to yourself as possible. By morning everyone's going to know you have some kind of connection to Bat-Val.

CHRIS O'DONNELL

(zero to livid in two seconds)

I HATE YOU BAT-VAL!!!

(pounds Bat-Val ineffectually)

(calms down)

If you must know I'm still planning to kill Tommy.

BAT-VAL

Well I simply can't allow murder! Just ignore every Batman movie before and after this one.

CHRIS O'DONNELL

Forget it Val! There's nothing you can do to stop me following you around, shadowing your every move, fighting to become your partner!

(beat)

But despite all that you'll still allow me to sleep in your house and live off your dime, right?

INT. MASSIVE BALLROOM

JIM CARREY is holding a massive party to the success of his BRAIN-THINGAMAJIG.

JIM CARREY

Don't you feel stupid Val? Rejecting that device I built for you? It's made me millions!

VAL KILMER

Didn't you develop that under contract with us? Don't I own everything you've built?

JIM CARREY

(changing subject)

Uh...Hey! I've built a device that let's everyone in the room see your deepest fantasies!

VAL KILMER

Okay, everyone with no sex drive or revenge fantasies is sure to check out that.

Suddenly, TOMMY and his GOONS raid the party!

TOMMY LEE JONES

I know the plan was to subtly scan the partygoer's minds for secrets about Bat-Val, but goddammit I just can't do subtle. Come at me, Bat-Bro!

(fires twin bazookas)

TOMMY'S THUGS shoot at BAT-VAL, drop him fifty feet into a construction site, blow him up, set him on fire, crush him under scaffolding, and bury him alive.

CHRIS O'DONNELL

But don't panic! I'm here to pull you out of a few feet of sand!

BAT-VAL

(nursing dozens of third-degree burns and broken bones)

Thanks, you've been a BIG help.

INT. NICOLE'S APARTMENT

BAT-VAL

(tapping window)

Can I come in?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Yeah, I mean I did ask to see you at this exact time.

BAT-VAL

...is that why you were asleep?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Yeah! It's also why I chose to wear only a sheet!

(makes out with Bat-Val)

(pulls away)

Wait no! I'm into Val Kilmer now, who apparently I've been dating all this time!

BAT-VAL

WHAT? Then why do any of this?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Fuck off, I'm in love with Val Kilmer, the guy who is nothing like you! Irony!!! If only I knew!!!

INT. STATELY KILMER MANOR

VAL KILMER confides in his butler, MICHAEL GOUGH.

VAL KILMER

Michael, I am Bat-Val no more.

MICHAEL GOUGH

...why?

VAL KILMER

I've fallen in love with Nicole.

MICHAEL GOUGH

But why's that stopping you? Your lives as Bat-Val and Val Kilmer haven't exactly been at odds in this movie.

VAL KILMER

But I've never been in love before! Well, not unless you count "Batman" and "Batman Returns".

MICHAEL GOUGH

This is looking increasingly like you only became Bat-Val to pick up women.

VAL KILMER

Yeah, I wasn't expecting that subtext from a Joel Schumacher movie at all.

NICOLE arrives at the MANOR, but so do JIM and TOMMY!

JIM CARREY

Surprise! We found out your secret identity! All by ourselves! That...that actually makes us the most competent Batman movie villains ever! Well, at least until Jesse-

TOMMY LEE JONES

(quietly)

Don't you dare finish that sentence.

They trash the BATCAVE and kidnap NICOLE, but leave VAL alive!

VAL KILMER

Odd, Tommy was so keen to kill me last time.

MICHAEL GOUGH

Odd, you show no marks despite getting SHOT IN THE MOTHERFUCKING FACE! HOW DID YOU DO THAT!?

VAL KILMER

They left another riddle behind. Maybe it could tell us who the Riddler is.

(reads)

"I've kidnapped Nicole, which pretty much screws her, and you can't even find her, because you're a LLLLL-OSERRRRR!"

(thinks)

(ponders)

(deduces)

It's Jim Carrey! They must be hiding at his new company!

MICHAEL GOUGH

Very good sir, of course you could have just guessed they were on that big island that keeps projecting the Riddler's logo over Gotham.

VAL KILMER

Well, it's a good thing they didn't destroy the Batboat or Batplane, despite their hideout being on an island.

CHRIS O'DONNELL

Take me there with you!

VAL KILMER

(shrugs)

Eh, sure. I could use your extreme laundry-folding skills.

EXT. GIANT NOVELTY TOY ISLAND

BAT-VAL and CHRIS both crash on the ISLAND!

CHRIS O'DONNELL

And now we're separated. Good team-up so far!

TOMMY LEE JONES

Aha! I came out to corner you without bringing any of my henchmen and now you're completely help-

(punched)

(kicked)

(punched some more)

Aaaah! Regret! Regret!

CHRIS O'DONNELL

You'll never defeat me! You're alone, you're beaten up and your weapon is over there-

(captured anyway)

OH COME ON!!!

BAT-VAL enters the CONTROL ROOM to find NICOLE and CHRIS suspended over a WATERY GRAVE!

JIM CARREY

Riddle me this, Bat-Val. Which hostage would you sacrifice to save the other?

BAT-VAL

I'm got a better riddle for you: "Why would Jim lure his worst enemy into the one room containing the machine designed to keep his brain from frying?"

JIM CARREY

Huh? What kind of riddle is that? That sounds more like a rhetorical question than anything. "Why would I lure my worst enemy into..."

(penny drops)

Oh n-

BAT-VAL fries JIM'S BRAIN and rescues the HOSTAGES! Then he tricks TOMMY into killing himself!

CHRIS O'DONNELL

Dude! What the hell happened to your "No killing Tommy" stance?

BAT-VAL

Look, I'm just very keen on making Two-Face fall to his death. It happens in every movie he's in. Anyway, some partner you turned out to be. You were no help during any of this!

CHRIS O'DONNELL

Screw you man! And screw this entire movie too! It sucks! Batman isn't meant for kids!

BAT-VAL

Actually Batman has been marketed to children pretty consistently for decades, so all you're saying is that you don't know Batman.

CHRIS O'DONNELL

Nuh uh! Batman is meant to be gritty and mature!

BAT-VAL

Look it's perfectly okay if you're not a fan of this movie's tone or if you prefer a darker Batman. But is it really that bad that Batman gets a movie entirely aimed at children? We just came off two of the darkest Batman movies ever.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Yeah, just imagine how insufferable it would be if they made a movie this stupid and then took out all the camp and the colour and the bizarre death-traps and the zany costumes and the humour and the-

ZACK SNYDER

Yeah, yeah. You've been beating that dead horse into the ground. Find a new joke.

END