FADE IN:

INT. BIG FAT GREEK RESTAURANT

NIA VARDALOS and her father, MICHAEL CONSTANTINE, enter their family-owned restaurant.

MICHAEL CONSTANTINE

You are getting old and progressively more unattractive, distant and morose daughter of mine. You need to get married before you become an ugly old hag.

NIA VARDALOS

It's not easy being Greek.

Suddenly, JOHN CORBETT and his FOREHEAD enter the restaurant.

JOHN CORBETT

Hello, I'm Guy McMale. I'm the perfect man, in that I'm maximally passive and possess no opinions of my own except the one that expresses love for the protagonist. Gee, this greek food is great, if only I had a greek wife to cook it all the time.

NIA sees him and instantly falls in love with JOHN and JOHN'S FOREHEAD.

MICHAEL CONSTANTINE

Don't look at him, Nia. He is not greek, and, as the embodiment of all greek stereotypes, I will not allow you to date anyone who is not greek. Normally, this view would be considered utter racism, but I'm so feeble and pathetic that it's okay.

NIA VARDALOS

It's not easy being Greek.

MICHAEL acts extremely GREEK in a way that is only FUNNY if you happen to be GREEK, otherwise it serves merely to perpetuate a slew of negative stereotypes.

NIA decides to go to school and learn how to use computers. In order to gain acceptance by her peers, she sacrifices her image in favor of using makeup and getting contacts, conforming to the unfair body standards of society she has grown to loathe. She talks to her mom, LAINIE KAZAN.

LAINIE KAZAN

You did it, sweetheart. You went to school, got pretty, and you're making it on your own. Good for you. Now, return to relying on your family by working for your aunt. We're Greek, and that's what Greeks do.

NIA VARDALOS

It's not easy being Greek.

JOHN CORBETT

Wow, you're quite attractive now that you've worked so hard to hide your normal appearance. I'm in love with you. Truly, it is important to be yourself.

JOHN meets NIA'S GREEK FAMILY, who proceeds to be very LOUD and IRRITATING BEYOND BELIEF. This is FUNNY.

JOHN CORBETT

I want to marry you, Nia. I'll do whatever it takes, including being indoctrinated into strict orthodox catholicism, since I have no thoughts of my own other than pleasing you. It's a good thing my family happens to have absolutely no culture whatsoever, because otherwise your request would be horribly unreasonable and you'd be a close-minded, intolerant bitch.

NIA VARDALOS

It's not easy being Greek.

JOHN patiently tolerates more ANNOYING GREEKS. The wedding planning process proceeds in a bland manner, sprinkled with OBNOXIOUS SCREETCHING every so often.

MICHAEL CONSTANTINE

I wanted you to marry a Greek, but you're my daughter, and really I just want you to be happy, as any reasonable film character would. I approve.

The rest of the family shows their APPROVAL by SCREETCHING and BEING ANNOYING.

JOHN CORBETT

I love your family more than my own, Nia Vardalos. And I love you, despite your complete blandness.

NIA VARDALOS

It's not so bad being Greek, after all.

They DANCE and ruin the lives of their own children.

END