FADE IN:

INT. LOCAL INSANE ASYLUM - NIGHT

MAD SCRIPTWRITER X is sitting at his typewriter. He is completely stark-raving bonkers.

MAD SCRIPTWRITER X

Hahaha. I am a kook. Seeing as how Hollywood will turn just about anything into a movie these days, I will write a script that is just as crazy as me. I will make each character completely, 100% dislikeable. I will make the movie a dark comedy...No wait, a DARKER THAN DARK comedy. Just for kicks, I will also throw in lots of blood and gore! Hahaha. And Cameron Diaz will be a bitch in it!!

INT. BANK (OR SOMETHING) - DAY

JON FAVREAU and CAMERON DIAZ are waiting in line with some sort of ENVELOPE. They are getting married soon.

CAMERON DIAZ

Honey, did you remember to pay the money for the custom-made, $10,000 red carpeting?

JON FAVREAU

Yep.

CAMERON DIAZ

Well, how about the check for the pure, imported, golden-silk bows to tie all over the church?

JON FAVREAU

Check.

CAMERON DIAZ

What about the check for all the pretty bubbles and fudge?

JON FAVREAU

Uh...Yeah.

CAMERON DIAZ

What about the TENT CHECK!?

JON FAVREAU

Oops, must've missed that one. Sorry, girly.

CAMERON DIAZ

YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!! I'm sick of doing everything!! You can't even remember the stupid tent check! You suck! Now our wedding won't be obsessive-compulsively perfect! I am a creature like no other, I will not be average like those people on Oprah and The View! You don't love me!!

JON FAVREAU

Um, sorry honey. Really I am. I love you like no other! I'll make everything OK. If this was real life, I'd kill myself.

CAMERON DIAZ

Yay! Just don't have too much fun at your bachelor party, because you knew you'd be getting into a life of hell when you started dating me.

JON FAVREAU

Right. I promise, I will have no fun, and I will definitely not sleep with a prostitute.

EXT. UNSOLD HOUSE - DAY

CHRISTIAN SLATER is talking to a HOT HOOKER on his CELL PHONE. We can tell that he is a RICH, EVIL DICKHEAD.

CHRISTIAN SLATER

(evil smirk)

My friend Jon Favreau is getting married to some blonde bitch so I want you, a cheap and dirty prostitute, to come to his bachelor party and fuck his brains out, since he won't get much from that girl of his.

HOT HOOKER

Okie dokie, tee hee hee!

EXT. DANIEL STERN'S HOUSE IN SUBURBS - DAY

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN is filming JON FAVREAU, DANIEL STERN (her husband), CHRISTIAN SLATER, JEREMY PIVEN and LELAND ORSER with a videocamera. Her UGLY AND VILE CHILDREN are standing near her. CAMERON DIAZ is also here.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

Now all of you promise me you won't come home with a bunch of STD's from some prostitute.

ALL FIVE MEN

We promise.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

Bye honey!!!

UGLY AND VILE CHILDREN

Bye Dad!!!

DANIEL STERN

Being a neurotic and funny-looking yuppie, I secretly hate you all. It's good to get away with my friends in my rich minivan that is MINE.

CAMERON DIAZ

And DON'T be home late or I'll emasculate you even more so than I already have!

INT. CAR - DAY

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Daniel Stern, you drive like a pussy. You're a Jew.

DANIEL STERN

FUCK YOU!

LELAND ORSER

...

JEREMY PIVEN

Shut the fuck up, all of you!! Fuck fuck fuck!

A CELL PHONE rings somewhere.

JON FAVREAU

Shut up you guys, it's my fiance calling!

(picks up the phone)

Hello? Hi Honey.

CAMERON DIAZ

(using complex, scientific mathematical formulae to predict which guests will come to the wedding, in which order)

Did you get the check problems ironed out? Do you love me? WELL, DO YOU!?

JON FAVREAU

Right, yeah, sure. Gotta go.

(hangs up)

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Ha ha, Daniel Stern drives his ugly minivan like a pussy Jew, ha ha ha.

DANIEL STERN

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

INT. HOTEL ROOM

ALL FIVE MEN are stoned and drunk. Music is blasting.

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Wow, this is the life. Anybody want some cocaine?

JEREMY PIVEN

Hell yeah!

DANIEL STERN

(drunk)

Hey Jon, when your kids turn out to be ugly and vile like mine, help 'em out. How does that sound?

LELAND ORSER takes a hit through his WATER BONG, then jumps through the GLASS TABLE. Everybody in the movie laughs.

AUDIENCE

This is starting to get disturbing.

MAD SCRIPTWRITER X

Heh heh heh. Just you wait, my pretties.

JON FAVREAU goes to the telephone to call CAMERON DIAZ.

JON FAVREAU

Hi Honey. I can't stop thinking about how much I love you.

CAMERON DIAZ

Well, you should. Are you in jail yet?

JON FAVREAU

Shut up bitch.

(hangs up)

CAMERON DIAZ

What?

The HOT HOOKER comes in. She is a HOT and EROTIC.

HOT HOOKER

Hey everybody! Who wants a ride?

JON FAVREAU

Sorry, but I love Cameron Diaz and cannot.

JEREMY PIVEN

I'll take wild ride, baby!

HOT HOOKER

Ugh. You wouldn't have been my first choice, but whatever.

JEREMY PIVEN and HOT HOOKER go into bathroom and fuck, but HOT HOOKER accidently gets thrown into a hook on the wall and dies.

JEREMY PIVEN

(runs out screaming)

Oh no!! I killed the Hot Hooker accidently!

JON FAVREAU

Uh oh.

DANIEL STERN

You little fucking idiot! Now we're really up shit's creek!!

LELAND ORSER

...

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Calm down. Nobody knows she's here, and nobody's going to know.

SECURITY GUARD

(knocking on door, from offstage)

What's going on in there? Any foul play?

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Um...Come on in, Mr. Security Guard, sir. We're good guys.

As the SECURITY GUARD comes in, CHRISTIAN SLATER brutally murders him with a CHAMPAGNE OPENER. This is GORY.

SECURITY GUARD

AIEEEE!!!!! I'M BLEEDING!!!! HELP ME!!!

AUDIENCE

This is totally sick! What the fuck is this shit?

MAD SCRIPTWRITER X

This shit is very bad things. Ha ha ha!!

DANIEL STERN

FUCK! We have two dead bodies and now we are going to get thrown in jail! Oh my god!

JON FAVREAU

Damnit, there goes my wedding to Cameron Diaz!

LELAND ORSER

...

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Alright, this is just a simple problem we've got here. If you think things out with the same madman's logic that I use, you'll realize that we have nothing left to do but cut up the bodies and bury them in the desert, then go home. If one of us talks about this, the rest of us will kill him. This is the rational and intelligent thing to do, given the circumstances. Besides, I don't want to go to jail.

JON FAVREAU

Sounds good to me.

DANIEL STERN

(crying)

Please forgive us, God!

JEREMY PIVEN

You're a Jew. You're not allowed to beg forgiveness from God.

EXT. RITZY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

DANIEL STERN

(crying)

I can't take this anymore! I was never good at keeping secrets!! Plus, I'm worried about my precious minivan!!

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Alright, that's it...Now I'm going to have to...

JEREMY PIVEN

I'm going to run into your minivan with my car, Daniel Stern!! Don't stand in the way!

DANIEL STERN

I'll do whatever the fuck I want!

JEREMY PIVEN plows into the side of DANIEL STERN'S minivan, with DANIEL STERN standing in the way. This sick development ALMOST looks like an accident, and somehow looks funny.

JEREMY PIVEN

Oh shoot! I accidently killed Daniel Stern!

CAMERON DIAZ

(walking out from restaurant)

Jon!! Get in here! It doesn't matter if somebody is dead, because this is our WEDDING DINNER!!

JON FAVREAU

Oy vey.

INT. DANIEL STERN'S HOUSE IN SUBURBS - NIGHT

JEREMY PIVEN, CHRISTIAN SLATER, JON FAVREAU, LELAND ORSER and JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN are arguing.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

Okay, now that my ugly children are in bed, we can talk straight up. Since my husband is now dead from being accidently hit by a car, I know something is up. So, what happened at your bachelor party, Jon Favreau?

JON FAVREAU

Nothing. I promise.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

Christian Slater? What happened, you motherfucking asshole?

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Nothing happened, girl.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

Pinky swear?

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Sure.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

Jeremy Piven, you who killed Daniel Stern, what happened at that bachelor party?

JEREMY PIVEN

(crying)

Um...Nothing...Um...Well, it was like this...

CHRISTIAN SLATER pulls out a gun and blows JEREMY PIVEN'S head off. This comes as a complete surprise to the AUDIENCE.

AUDIENCE

HOLY SHIT!!!!

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

(confused)

What was that all about, Christian Slater?

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Come into the other room for a second. The room with the pillows.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

Okay.

CHRISTIAN SLATER smothers JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN with a pillow.

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Now Jon Favreau, take the disgusting and revolting children of Daniel Stern and Jeanne Tripplehorn and give them to your fiance, Cameron Diaz. Nothing bad will happen now. I repeat, nothing bad will happen now. Let me just dispose of these corpses...

JON FAVREAU

Okay.

LELAND ORSER

...

INT. WEDDING CHAPEL PREPARATION ROOM - DAY

CAMERON DIAZ

Yay! It's time for my perfect wedding!

JON FAVREAU

Um, honey...We bought a prostitute at my bachelor party, but she died. Then, Christian Slater killed a security guard. Jeremy Piven killed Daniel Stern, but Christian Slater killed Jeremy Piven and Jeanne Tripplehorn...We've been really bad...

CAMERON DIAZ

Shut up, you.

CHRISTIAN SLATER

Jon, I will now kill you, because you did not give me the insurance money from the deaths of Daniel Stern and Jeanne Tripplehorn!!

JON FAVREAU

What the fuck?!?!

CAMERON DIAZ

(grabbing a large piece of wood)

No Christian Slater! You can't kill Jon! This is MY DAY!!!!!!!

CAMERON DIAZ bashes CHRISTIAN SLATER'S face in with the large piece of wood.

CAMERON DIAZ

(giggles)

Now, with that messy piece of business taken care of, let's go get married. Then, kill Leland Orser because he is the only other person who knows about all that shit.

JON FAVREAU

But all he ever says is "..."!

CAMERON DIAZ

(mounts Jon, starts dryhumping him)

Do you love me? Do it!

JON FAVREAU

Yes, honey.

CAMERON DIAZ

And don't forget to stick Christian Slater in the toilet. I have to go wash this vinyl wedding dress, because there is yucky blood all over it.

JON FAVREAU and LELAND ORSER are driving, but get into a car accident and become crippled and horribly scarred. CAMERON DIAZ starts screaming because she realizes she is doomed to eternal hell as a SUBURBAN HOUSEWIFE with UGLY AND VILE CHILDREN.

AUDIENCE

(crying, vomiting, self- mutilating)

What kind of a sick piece of shit movie was that?! That was insane!

MAD SCRIPTWRITER X

My legacy, folks!

CORPORATE EXECUTIVES IN HOLLYWOOD

Fantastic! I smell a sequel!

The AUDIENCE (those that have not gone completely, stark- raving bonkers) runs away in terror.

END