FADE IN:

INT. TRAIN

LIAM NEESON is on his daily commute to a Taken plot.

LIAM NEESON

I have been fired from my job, the result of which is apt to leave my family financially strapped and my son's academic future ruined. I'm in an emotional turmoil. What better time to get entranced by a novel?

VERA FARMIGA takes seat across from him.

VERA FARMIGA

Great contrivance that we have the seats to ourselves. It'd be awkward to plot a conspiracy with someone sitting next to us.

LIAM NEESON

Still plenty of passengers within earshot.

VERA FARMIGA

No one sitting next to us is all the privacy we need, silly. You wanna make 100k? All you have to do is find a person with a duffel bag or a rucksack or something.

LIAM NEESON

Looks like someone needs me to brandish my particular set of skills, heh heh.

VERA FARMIGA

Mind you, no funny games. We have the resources to monitor your every single step, to abduct your family in broad daylight and to plant explosives on the train.

LIAM NEESON

Good thing you're not able to kill passengers should I seek their help.

VERA FARMIGA

Bitch, please, we'll make the train stop so you can grab some popcorn and watch us waste that passenger a block down the street. You take someone's cell, we'll have his number to call you. We got our eyes and ears everywhere. We are the train, choo choo!

LIAM NEESON

With all these capabilities, what do you need me for?

VERA FARMIGA

Reasons. Go to the restroom and pick up 25k as a down payment. Because me giving you the money directly would be outlandish.

LIAM NEESON

Hold on, I need to struggle with the moral dilemma first.

(pause)

Done.

INT. CLEANEST TRAIN RESTROOM EVER

LIAM NEESON

Dr. Watson I'm not, looking for the 25k where they'd have been found a long time ago by any random chump relieving himself.

(retrieves money from toilet bowl)

Well, there are worse ways to pick up a paycheck.

(shudders as he thinks of The Ice Road and The Honest Thief)

INT. TRAIN

The train pulls into a station and LETITIA WRIGHT boards it where Liam is standing.

LETITIA WRIGHT

You that person who has to find that person with a fanny pack or a purse or something? Because I'm tasked with finding that person who has to find that person with a paper bag or a satchel or something and give him this envelope.

LIAM NEESON

Amazing how you knew which carriage and which door to take. I could be just anywhere on this long-ass train.

LIAM opens the envelope to find his wife's wedding band as opposed to her severed finger inside, scoffing at the PG-13 pussies he has to deal with.

INT. EMPTY CARRIAGE

LIAM goes into an empty carriage.

LIAM NEESON

Always great to have a place you can retreat to when you need a little me time or some exposition dump. Hey, Emo Girl, show me what'cha got.

FLORENCE PUGH pepper sprays Liam right in the face. He is zero affected by it because showing any vulnerability would stretch viewer's credulity past the breaking point.

LIAM NEESON

Since your bag is only filled with fake IDs, you're evidently not the person I need to locate. Teenagers today, so innocent. Good day to you, young lady.

INT. TRAIN

LIAM follows KILLIAN SCOTT and is immediately attacked.

KILLIAN SCOTT

I know I call attention to myself by aimlessly strolling down the train, taking seat, getting up, but why in God's name would you trail me?

LIAM NEESON

Your guess is as good as mine. The plot's a bit convoluted.

KILLIAN SCOTT

I could reveal that I'm an FBI agent. Who knows, Liam might have a reason for following me. But, honestly, that's about as lame as it sounds. Let's fight.

They do. When the fight is over, they simply part ways.

KILLIAN SCOTT

No need to follow up on the confrontation. We just let it go. The train with a key witness aboard is apparently compromised, but Liam being somehow connected to this... plain ridiculous.

LIAM NEESON

I specifically asked you about Prynne, so I'm definitely involved.

KILLIAN SCOTT

Sorry, can't hear your plot inconsistencies from here.

LIAM NEESON

Train conductor, can you check the lady's bag? She seems fishy.

COLIN MCFARLANE

Fishier than you restlessly pacing the train up and down and looking all jumpy?

LIAM NEESON

Yes.

COLIN MCFARLANE

Fishier than you being all bruised up after fighting another passenger on my watch?

LIAM NEESON

Yes.

COLIN MCFARLANE

Fishier than you asking my colleague about our internal processes?

LIAM NEESON

Yes.

COLIN MCFARLANE

By God, then she must be truly fishy as fuck. I'm on my way to the red herring.

INT. EMPTY CARRIAGE

LIAM completes another lap on the Orient Express.

LIAM NEESON

Getting out of breath here. Couldn't they have moved the setting to a plane? The plot, with only a few minor alterations, would work nicely there.

(finds Non-Stop in his imdb credits)

Oops.

(tampers with the AC)

Let me sabotage the AC, thus forcing everybody into one carriage. I obviously have the technical savvy to turn off the AC in all carriages save for one in a way that it cannot be fixed by the train conductors. A foolproof plan since no one would even consider remaining in his seat when the AC is off, am I right?

INT. CARRIAGE WITH AC

All passengers regroup in one carriage.

LIAM NEESON

I love it when a plan comes together. Listen up, I gotta find a person with a suitcase or a carry-handle shopping bag or something. That person also holds incriminating information on powerful people who are out to kill him. Anybody thinks the description matches them, be a sweetheart and raise your hand.

KOBNA HOLDBROOK-SMITH stands up and goes into an empty carriage. Liam follows him.

INT. EMPTY CARRIAGE

KOBNA is chilling.

LIAM NEESON

You have a bag but you did not raise your hand.

KOBNA produces a pistol and trains it on Liam.

LIAM NEESON

Something tells me you don't play by the rules.

KOBNA loads a round into the chamber.

LIAM NEESON

I infer you're a villain. The guitar you displayed is for left-handed players while a couple of scenes earlier you helped me back on my feet with your right hand. No idea why we flash back to that scene because you holding the gun in your right hand illustrates my point just the same.

KOBNA HOLDBROOK-SMITH

You do realize I'm already sticking a gun in your face, openly revealing myself as a baddie? Your deductions serve no purpose at all.

LIAM NEESON

They showcase my bold powers of observation.

KOBNA HOLDBROOK-SMITH

Bitch, I could be ambidextrous. I could be a collector of guitars. I could have stolen a guitar. I could--

Before KOBNA can raise more valid points, LIAM recklessly attacks him. They beat the shit out of each other before LIAM throws him out the window.

INT. CARRIAGE WITH AC

LIAM stops at ELLA-RAE SMITH'S seat.

LIAM NEESON

By process of elimination - heh heh, get it, process of elimination? - you must be Prynne.

ELLA-RAE SMITH

Yup, that's me.

LIAM NEESON

Whoa, no shit? I mean, of course, you're Prynne. Bold powers of observation and all.

VERA FARMIGA

You found Prynne?

LIAM NEESON

Damn right I did. My bold powers--

VERA FARMIGA

Well, kill her.

LIAM NEESON

No can do. My character arc turned me from a decent guy into a more decent guy.

VERA FARMIGA

You leave me with no other option than to derail the train. Choo choo!

The train crashes spectacularly, maiming and killing everyone on board.

LIAM NEESON

Ha, what do you know, we're actually all fine without so much as a scratch.

Police officer PATRICK WILSON appears.

PATRICK WILSON

Howdy Liam, I'm here to negotiate with you.

LIAM NEESON

Patrick? How's this still your jurisdiction? I spent the last hour on a train. Unless the train's going in circles, I should be like twenty jurisdictions away from yours.

PATRICK WILSON

After all the plot holes they forced down our throats, we're really gonna look into this particular one? Not very noble of you.

LIAM NEESON

Noble? You're the rogue cop. Prynne heard that word being uttered when a bunch of dirty cops killed some guy.

PATRICK WILSON

I doubt employing the word "noble" will hold up as evidence in court. But then again, I'm no legal expert. Yes, I'm the rogue cop.

LIAM NEESON

I knew it! My bold powers--

PATRICK WILSON

We were besties back in the day. Any chance you look the other way and let me shoot Prynne?

LIAM NEESON

Just curious, what's your plan? You kill a girl in front of a dozen witnesses and we all do a pinky swear and keep it a secret?

PATRICK WILSON

The devil is truly in the details. I'll work something out as I go. Who of you is Prynne? Tell me so I can put a bullet between your eyes and call it a night.

LIAM NEESON

That's cute. It took me a whole movie to find Prynne. You think you can just walk in and--

ELLA-RAE SMITH

I'm Prynne.

LIAM NEESON

(facepalms himself)

Good Lord...

OTHER PASSENGERS

I'm Prynne... I'm Prynne... I'm Prynne...

LIAM NEESON

For this blatant Spartacus rip-off, a part of me actually wants Patrick to shoot you all. No, scratch that, I need my heroic showdown. Prepare for an epic final boss fight.

LIAM doesn't even kill PATRICK himself and...

EXT. TRAIN

...is immediately exonerated. SAM NEILL appears.

SAM NEILL

I congratulate you on the happy ending absolutely no one saw coming.

LIAM NEESON

Shit, Sam, you were also in this movie?

SAM NEILL

Sure, for like thirty seconds. Life finds a way but, sadly, the same cannot be said for my career. Anyhow, you want back on the force, just say the word. See ya.

LIAM NEESON

I can go? You're not hauling me in until this mess gets sorted out?

SAM NEILL

The passengers say you're solid. What's a stupid investigation gonna accomplish? Case closed.

LIAM NEESON

It'd be a daring move to end the movie right here to illustrate how helpless we are against the powers that be. Imagine what a tacked-on feeling an epilogue in pursuit of a mandatory happy ending would have if we squeezed in a scene where I apprehend the mysterious Vera Farmiga as a reinstated law enforcement officer.

(checks script)

Crap... I should have known.

END