FADE IN:

EXT. THE BRONX - DAY

Kids are playing happily in the street.

JASON PATRIC (V.O )

It was the happiest time in our lives. We were breaking the law, and doing crazy shit, but look at us, we were so cute. Just look at us. Watch as we played innocently in the street. Hold that thought. Hold it. Frame it. I'll be reminding you of things throughout the movie, so don't forget how innocent we were.

We see a small thin boy.

JASON PATRIC (V.O )

Tommy had a tough upbringing, and was severely beaten. Feel his pain.

We see a taller boy.

JASON PATRIC (V.O )

John had a girlfriend, which is no surprise since he turns into Brad Pitt later in the movie. Oh, he also had a tough upbringing.

We see an Italian kid and some ordinary looking kid.

JASON PATRIC (V.O )

And that's me. My dad used to beat the shit out of my mum, and I was an altar boy. Savor our innocence. That's my friend who doesn't matter much. Lots of crazy shit happened to him, but try not to think. I'll think for you.

INT. A STEREOTYPICAL SIXTIES' DAY IN THE MOVIES

TALL KID

I'm bored. I want to do something cool.

SMALL KID

Let's steal a hot dog stall.

ITALIAN KID

Yes, that would be neato.

The boys walk over to a vendor, steal his stall, and go on a run.

JASON PATRIC (V.O )

It was the dumbest thing we ever did. We didn't even like hot dogs.

The vendor gives chase.

JASON PATRIC (V.O )

The vendor gave chase... Shit, you can see that already.

The boys run on with the vendor in pursuit. Soundtrack music blares. They stop at the top of a subway exit. The music stops. The camera slows. They drop the stall. It falls on some poor schmuck at the bottom of the steps.

JASON PATRIC (V.O )

At that moment our lives changed forever. My career is dead. I was in Speed 2.

INT. COURTROOM

The boys await sentence for their heinous crime.

JUDGE

For the dastardly crime of dropping a stall down steps, and accidentally injuring someone, you are sentenced to spend time with Kevin Bacon and other unseemly characters. Burn in hell!!

INT. BORSTAL

The boys stand around as Kevin Bacon issues the ground rules.

KEVIN BACON

I'm a badass prison guard. I'm going to make your lives hell.

ITALIAN KID

You're going to make us watch Picture Perfect?

KEVIN BACON

For that little comment I'm going to gang rape you and your friends. The terror starts now. I want a blow job.

INT. PRISON CELL

The four boys are crying and writhing in pain.

SMALL KID

My ass is killing me...

ITALIAN KID

Me too.. He made me blow him.

ORDINARY KID

Did you swallow??

TALL KID

I did.. Clearly getting raped by Kevin was very humilating. Let's not tell a word of this to anyone. We'll kill the shit later..

INT. BAR - FIFTEEN YEARS LATER

Two badasses are buying drinks. They are two of the kids raped earlier, but you could hardly tell. They see Kevin Bacon, pull out their guns and walk over to him.

BADASS 1

You ruined our lives, man.

BADASS 2

And now we're gonna fuck you over..

KEVIN BACON

Sounds like a great night. I'll bring the whipped cream, you guys bring the whips.

BADASS 1

You probably don't remember us. We're playing the kids you raped earlier in your life.

KEVIN BACON

Cool. Was I any good??

The badasses shoot Kevin Bacon about ten times. He dies.

AUDIENCE

Wow, Kevin Bacon is already dead. This movie kicks ass.

EXT. SUBWAY- NIGHT

Brad Pitt and Jason Patric are talking secretively.

JASON PATRIC (V.O )

This is me and Brad Pitt. We're talking in this scene. You may not know it, but we play the two other kids raped earlier. The badasses were our friends, but they got hauled in simply because they shot a guy like ten times. Is there any justice in this world?

JASON PATRIC

We better get our badass friends off this charge. Kevin Bacon was a scumbag. Let's hatch a fiendish plan to get them released. We can do it. After all, I'm a journalist and you're a lawyer, so we should have no moral scruples.

AUDIENCE

How the hell did these schmucks got those jobs? They were dumb as shit when they were kids.

BRAD PITT

I agree with you, Jason. That would make a great movie plot. That borstal really changed all of us. I seem to recall you were Italian when you went in.

INT. JASON PATRIC'S JOINT- NIGHT

Robert De Niro and Minnie Driver are listening to Jason's tales of horror.

ROBERT DE NIRO

I play a priest. Once again, I'm an unconventioal priest. This is quite a stretch.

MINNIE DRIVER

I'm the grown up version of Brad Pitt's girlfriend..

JASON PATRIC

So, will you lie to the court to save two scumbags? If you do, it'll make a brilliant movie plot. By the way, I love you guys.

Minnie and Robert nod in agreement.

INT. BAR

SOME OLD ITALIAN STEREOTYPE

I've been a mentor to these boys. I want you to serve them justice

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Ha. I am a, erm.. drunken lawyer. I will represent the accused in this movie.

INT. COURTROOM - NIGHT

BRAD PITT

Where were you on the night of the murder, Father Robert?

ROBERT DE NIRO

With the scumbags.

BRAD PITT

I loved you in Taxi Driver. You're wasted in a shitty film like this.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Objection, your honour!!

ROBERT DE NIRO

You know what, Brad. You're right. This movie sucks. I deseve better than this. You too, Dustin. We've both won Oscars.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Yeah.

ROBERT DE NIRO

So let's leave. The only crime here is that we end up in a movie like this.

ROBERT and DUSTIN leave. As ROBERT is shutting the door, he shouts:

ROBERT DE NIRO

Good luck with your fucking movie!

JUDGE

Case dismissed.

Everyone cheers. Justice has been served.

DIRECTOR BARRY LEVINSON

What a brilliant ending. So moral.

JASON PATRIC (V.O )

And that was that. Everything wrapped up in a nice little package. Brad got the girl, two Oscar winners saw sense, and I ended up in low grade movies.

AUDIENCE

What about the story?

JASON PATRIC (V.O )

Shut up.

END