FADE IN:

INT - MIRA SORVINO'S JOINT - DAY

Mira Sorvino is pissed off.

MIRA SORVINO

I'm pissed off. I wish I could get a man with some INSIGHT, who could SEE that I offer a lot to the world.

MIRA SORVINO'S FRIEND

You need a massage.

INT - MASSAGE PARLOUR - DAY

VAL KILMER is a masseuse. He's wearing shades and has a goofy smile. Apparently he's blind. He's massaging a naked MIRA SORVINO.

MIRA SORVINO

Oh, yes, that is the stuff. You can really SEE what a woman needs.

VAL KILMER

I'm blind.

MIRA SORVINO

Who would have thought it. You're popping a boner, and your hair's so impeccable.

VAL KILMER

Er.. nice tits.. You wanna go out some time?

MIRA SORVINO

Despite the fact we have zero chemistry, I don't SEE why not.

INT - VAL'S HOUSE - DAY

MIRA SORVINO

I love you. I've never SEEN a person like you before. I've been with you for a bit, time to do my duty as a woman and attempt to change you. Wanna get..uh..unblind?

VAL KILMER

I love you too. What were you saying about my sight? It's fine.. I mean, I'm blind, but I don't need to see. For christ sakes, I don't need a white stick and a guide dog to see that this script sucks, and regardless of what I say, we're going to go through the predictable motions of love, falling-out, disillusionment and back to love. So, I'll do what I always do, look pretty, talk in monotone, and let the plot device take me on a wild ride.

MIRA SORVINO

Wow, that was so touching. I agree. Let's move in together.

INT. PLACE - LATER

VAL'S over-protective sister is talking to MIRA.

VAL'S OVER-PROTECTIVE SISTER

..Waltz into his life, and think you can make everything better. Can't be done. Val is blind to the nuances of acting and character, and I don't want someone like you with your fancy oscars coming in, telling him he can get better parts.

MIRA SORVINO

I was only asking for a soda.

INT - SURGERY - DAY

VAL is reclined in a chair, while doctor types examine his eyes and MIRA and his over-protective sister look on.

DOCTOR

...Nope, you have twenty-twenty vision.

VAL KILMER

For the last fucking time, this is a movie, I'm blind, and you're supposed to cure me. Jesus, this was supposed to be my oscar-winning, erm, role and stuff.

DOCTOR

Ok, Val, the surgery was a success. Enjoy your new breasts.

MIRA SORVINO

Wow, Val, how's your restored vision?? Apparently, you'll be able to read scripts in the future. Won't that be great? You'll never have to appear in shit like this again

We get a perspective of Val's new vision. Fuzzy camerawork suggests that Val can't see for shit, or this director can't direct for shit. VAL panics

VAL KILMER

Fuck, I can't see properly. What 's all that fuzzy shit?

THE DIRECTOR

It's the script.

VAL and MIRA are out walking.

VAL KILMER

It's great to see again. My goodness, the joys of sight. I can't wait to see how I looked in "Batman Forever"

MIRA SORVINO

Nooooooooooo!!!!!!

Mira Sorvino collapses.

INT - SOME PARTY - DAY

It's a typical movie party. No one is throwing up, the furniture is intact and yuppie types are walking around talking amongst each other. VAL and MIRA enter the party. MIRA walks over to her ex-husband. It's that dude from the Shining mini-series.

MIRA'S EX-HUSBAND

I'm a mean bastard. Unlike Val, I lack insight.

MIRA SORVINO

Val, this is my underwritten ex- husband.

VAL KILMER

Hi, dude.

MIRA'S EX-HUSBAND

So you recover your sight, but lose your powers of conversation?

VAL KILMER

I was in The Doors.

Val goes to the bathroom.

MIRA'S EX-HUSBAND

Let's dance.

Mira and her ex dance. Her ex gives her a friendly kiss. Val returns and sees it. He's confused, and approaches Mira and her ex.

VAL KILMER

I'm confused.. What were you doing with your mouth touching his, erm, mouth? Isn't that a little bit off considering where your mouth's been all day?

MIRA SORVINO

Let's go.. You saw nothing, you confused pseudo-blind prick.

As MIRA and VAL are leaving the party, VAL walks into a window.

VAL

Shit, I need a therapist.

INT - THERAPY ROOM - DAY

VAL is given tips on how to see. Hooray! VAL and MIRA experience the wonders of life. They go ice-skating, they stare into each other eyes, they fuck, they eat out, they try sado-masochism, and everything moves along dandily.

AUDIENCE

Is that it? Eight fucking dollars to see a story I could have pulled out of my ass?

DIRECTOR

Not quite. We've been really clever and put in a little twist..

AUDIENCE

Shut up?? We're leaving..

The audience make a bee-line for the exit.

DIRECTOR

No, please stay. I made The Awakenings and everyone loved that. Please, please stay. Mira Sorvino gets naked in the end.

The audience members charge back into their seats.

EXT - CENTRAL PARK - DAY

VAL looks confused. Not strange in itself, but the fuzzy camera shit returns.

VAL KILMER

Duh, I must be losing my sight again. Shit, and to think I was this close to a Scorsese movie.

INT - VAL'S HOUSE - DAY

VAL and MIRA are standing in the kitchen.

VAL KILMER

I've got something to tell you.

MIRA SORVINO

What?

VAL KILMER

I'm not really Jim Morrison.. I mean, I'm losing my sight again.

MIRA SORVINO

And to think of the amount of time we've wasted in this movie talking about sight. What a twist. You never SAW that one coming. You going blind again.

VAL KILMER

It was your fault, bitch. Putting all that false sense of security into my drug-addled mind.

Suddenly, Val's possessive sister appears.

VAL'S OVER-PROTECTIVE SISTER

Told you, Val. You were born blind and stupid. I can undestand that, but she never will.

VAL and MIRA argue, cry, shout, argue, make up and marry.

MIRA SORVINO

The moral of the story is: love can overcome anything, and if you have insight, depth, and love like Val here, nothing else matters.

AUDIENCE

Hurry up and get naked.

Typical finale music plays.

AUDIENCE

What the fuck? Is that it?

DIRECTOR

Haha, you dumb assholes I have manipulated you into seeing my manipulative, predictable movie. I have your eight bucks. You may now leave.

END