FADE IN:

INT. MOVIE THEATER

AUDIENCE MEMBER

So what the hell is this movie supposed to be about? I'm only here because it said Bill Murray is in it, and there was nothing else good to see.

OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER

It's about Bill Murray and some kid nobody's ever heard of, trying to attack each other in creative ways. That's what the trailer showed.

YET ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER

The movie poster says "Love. Expulsion. Revolution." What do any of those have to do with each other? And what's up with that stupid hat the kid has? It looks like a cross between a Che Guevara beret and a Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man hat.

FIRST AUDIENCE MEMBER

And why are we the only 3 people who actually paid to see this?

The movie starts.

EXT. OF AN UPSCALE PRIVATE SCHOOL CALLED RUSHMORE

QUICK SHOTS OF JASON SCHWARTZMAN RUNNING AROUND DOING ALL KINDS OF EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

I'm very, very clever.

BRIAN COX

No, you're not. Get better grades or you're expelled.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

That sucks. I don't want to get expelled, so I'll just have to try and score with chicks. That'll work.

AUDIENCE

We know we are not as clever as the very clever Jason Schwartzman, but what's up with that? Why doesn't he just study if he doesn't want to get kicked out?

WRITERS WES ANDERSON AND OWEN WILSON

Hey, leave the clever stuff to us.

AUDIENCE

Okay, if you say so.

EXT. RUSHMORE

BILL MURRAY

Despite the fact that I run my own company and am very rich, I apparently have nothing to do all day. I think I'll hang around here all the time so someone can suck up to me.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN sucks up to BILL MURRAY in a VERY CLEVER WAY.

BILL MURRAY

Cool.

INT. 1ST GRADE CLASSROOM

OLIVIA WILLIAMS

Hello, JASON. I am a hot English babe who happens to teach first grade. I have a hot English accent. Worship me.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

I worship you, in a very clever way.

OLIVIA WILLIAMS

You're so clever. How unfortunate that you're too young for me and my hot English accent.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Can I sleep with you anyway?

OLIVIA WILLIAMS

No.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

But I'm really clever.

OLIVIA WILLIAMS

Nope, sorry.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Damn. I'll keep trying anyway despite the fact that you're about twice my age.

OLIVIA WILLIAMS

That's pretty creepy, but I guess being stalked is okay with me.

INT. FACTORY OWNED BY BILL MURRAY

BILL MURRAY

Work, work, work. See, I do too work! So there.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Stop working for a minute so I can borrow some money to build an aquarium which will impress a hot English babe.

BILL MURRAY

Does she have a hot English accent?

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Yup.

BILL MURRAY

Okay, here's some money.

AUDIENCE

What the hell? When are they going to start going at each other in really clever ways? How come they're all buddy buddy? I thought they were supposed to fight over the hot chick?

WRITERS WES ANDERSON AND OWEN WILSON

Chill, dammit! We're getting to that part. Eventually.

EXT. OF RUSHMORE

RANDOM SCOTTISH GUY

Och, aye, where's me pint. I'm Scottish and I have a big knife, laddie. Arrrh.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

So you do.

AUDIENCE

What the FUCK? We're almost an hour into this movie and all of a sudden this random guy shows up? Why is he Scottish? He looks WAY too old to be in high school. What does this have to do with anything? When do we get to see Bill Murray and Jason Schwartzman try to kill each other?

WRITERS WES ANDERSON AND OWEN WILSON

We're GETTING to it, okay?

EXT. OF SCHOOL, THE NEXT DAY.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Okay, this is where we'll put the aquarium in. This will totally impress the hot English babe. Let's cut down some trees and dig up the baseball field. Damn, I'm clever.

BRIAN COX

Nope, you're still just as dumb as ever. I've had enough of your crap. You're expelled.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Well, shit. How will I ever score with the hot English babe now?

INT. PUBLIC SCHOOL CLASSROOM.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN IS GIVING A SPEECH IN FRONT OF THE CLASS.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

...and that's why I decided to come up here and be a complete and total dweeb.

The bell rings, the class leaves.

SARA TANAKA walks up.

SARA TANAKA

I'm amazed they didn't pummel the shit out of you as soon as you walked out of class. That's what would have happened in a real public school. By the way, I'm cute and your age, so I'm obviously the real love interest.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Whatever. I'm going to be incredibly rude to you from now on, far more rude than a normally clever person like me would be, so that the entire audience doesn't miss the point that I'm infatuated with someone I can't have.

AUDIENCE

Yeah, all three of us got it. Thanks for bashing us over the head with it.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Later Sara, you useless bag of flesh. I have a hot English babe to stalk.

EXT. OF RUSHMORE

RANDOM SCOTTISH GUY

Och, laddie. Yer knickers are in a twist because you can't get any lovin' from the lasses.

AUDIENCE

Oh no, not this guy again. I can't understand a freakin' word he's saying.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Oh yeah? Well, I got a HANDJOB from MASON GAMBLE's mother. Yes, a HANDJOB. HANDJOB HANDJOB HANDJOB.

RANDOM SCOTTISH GUY

[Unintelligible mutterings] Hey, wee little bairn. Did ya hear what the bastard said about yer dear old ma? Arrrh, och.

MASON GAMBLE

Jason, you dick.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Yeah, I'm a dick. But I'm doing it for love and plus I'm very clever, so it's okay.

EXT. OF OLIVIA WILLIAMS' HOUSE.

BILL MURRAY comes running out to his car. JASON SCHWARTZMAN has finally figured out that BILL MURRAY is trying to nail OLIVIA WILLIAMS. JASON is in the back seat of BILL'S car.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

So was she a good lay?

BILL MURRAY

By all rights I should tell you to get the fuck out of my car or maybe call the police on you, but whatever. Now go mind your own business.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

I saw her first. She's mine.

BILL MURRAY

Forget about it, short stuff.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

I'm gonna get you, sucka.

AUDIENCE

YESSS! This is what we've been waiting for! Wahoo! An orgy of clever, nifty attacks that they promised us in the trailer!

JASON SCHWARTZMAN fills BILL MURRAY'S hotel room with bees. BILL MURRAY runs over JASON SCHWARTZMAN'S bike.

INT. HOSPITAL ELEVATOR

BILL MURRAY

She doesn't like me either, kid. I guess -

AUDIENCE

Wait just one goddamned cotton-pickin' minute here! Where's the rest of the cool stuff? Clever ways of screwing with each other? Don't tell me that was it! What the FUCK?

WRITERS WES ANDERSON AND OWEN WILSON

Suckers! You should know by now not to believe anything you see in a trailer. Ha ha ha. Now sit down and watch the rest of the movie.

BILL MURRAY

As I was saying, she doesn't like me either. I give up, I'm just going to get drunk and masturbate while thinking about her hot English accent.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Well, I've had a change of heart. I'll help you get her. You need to spend a crapload of money, though.

AUDIENCE

Wait a minute! Now he's given up and he's going to help his arch-rival score with the hot English babe? What the hell is going on here? Oh, forget it. We give up.

BILL MURRAY

Okay Jason, despite the fact that you had no success scoring with her, I will take your advice on how to spend my entire fortune to get her back.

EXT. OF RUSHMORE

BILL MURRAY

Well, I spent 8 million dollars on this aquarium. Why isn't she swooning into my arms?

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Damned if I know. Probably because you're not clever like me.

BILL MURRAY

Fuck. There goes 8 million bucks and I didn't even get laid.

INT. THEATER.

JASON'S PLAY IS BEING PERFORMED. Every single person in the entire movie is now either on stage or in the audience.

BILL MURRAY

Well what do you know, I'm sitting next to the hot English babe.

OLIVIA WILLIAMS

Gosh, what a bloody coinkydink.

AUDIENCE

This play is a big load of bullshit. Not the play itself, I mean all the special effects. I don't care if that helicopter is sorta fakey-looking, it's still way better than any public school could afford. And don't even get me started on the fucking flamethrowers, for god's sake.

Suddenly, one of the flamethrowers explodes and everyone dies except JASON SCHWARTZMAN, SARA TANAKA, BILL MURRAY, AND OLIVIA WILLIAMS.

JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Hey SARA, despite the fact that I've been an absolute dick to you from the first moment we met, I'm now going to pay a little attention to you and treat you nicely. In return you should completely forget my conduct of the past few months and fall for me like a ton of bricks.

SARA TANAKA

The only place things like that happen is in movies, asshole. I'm dating a rich preppie from the school you got kicked out of. Die, you clever bastard.

SARA TANAKA burns JASON SCHWARTZMAN to a crisp with a nearby flamethrower.

BILL MURRAY

Well, OLIVIA, I think now is the time for you to decide that even though I'm boring and balding, at least I'm rich and old enough, and so you should fall for me like a ton of bricks. If you don't, the AUDIENCE will be disappointed.

AUDIENCE

Actually, we gave up trying to understand this shit about 20 minutes ago. Now leave us alone and let us get back to sleep.

OLIVIA WILLIAMS

SARA, can I borrow that flamethrower?

END