FADE IN:

INT. PSYCHOLOGIST'S OFFICE - DAY

A sensitive, caring "psychologist", MUMFORD, LISTENS ATTENTIVELY to a TEENAGE GIRL who is laying on the couch.

TEENAGE GIRL

Doc, I have a problem.

MUMFORD

What is it?

TEENAGE GIRL

Well, I'm like, totally, you know, a teenage stereotype.

MUMFORD

I see. And how does that make you feel?

TEENAGE GIRL

Bad. Because, like, the writer is making me say stupid flippant lines that are obviously written by someone even older and more out of it than Kevin Williamson. And the costume designer makes me wear black eyeliner and dye my hair ugly primary colors.

MUMFORD.

Hmm.

TEENAGE GIRL

Plus, for no apparent reason I have anorexia and I sleep around because I hate myself.

MUMFORD

These are serious stereotypes. I suggest that you give up your good stuff to John Ritter's rifle-totin' son and let him distract you from your teen angst by forcing you to quit smoking and coercing you into swearing off fashion magazines.

TEENAGE GIRL

Thanks Doc, I'm cured! You're amazing! You must be a real doctor!

MUMFORD leans forward abruptly and gets very serious all of a sudden.

MUMFORD

What makes you think I'm not a real doctor?

TEENAGE GIRL

No reason.

INT. PSYCHOLOGIST'S OFFICE - LATER

MUMFORD is listening ATTENTIVELY to a plus-sized CROSSEYED PHARMACIST who is busy leaving a permanent dip in MUMFORD's couch.

CROSSEYED PHARMACIST

Doc, I have a problem.

MUMFORD

What is it?

CROSSEYED PHARMACIST

I keep having 1950's style pulp fiction sex fantasies. They're ruining my life by driving my family away. Can you help me?

MUMFORD

As a matter of fact, I can. I will give you a cardboard box full of 1950's style pulp fiction porno that will remind you of your childhood. Then you will cry and you will be cured.

CROSSEYED PHARMACIST

Thanks, Doc! I'm cured! You're amazing! You must be a real doctor!

MUMFORD leans forward abruptly and gets very serious all of a sudden.

MUMFORD

What makes you think I'm not a real doctor?

CROSSEYED PHARMACIST

No reason.

INT. PSYCHOLOGIST'S OFFICE - LATER

MUMFORD is listening ATTENTIVELY to a middle aged HOUSEWIFE, who is laying on the couch.

HOUSEWIFE

Doc, I have a problem.

MUMFORD

What is it?

HOUSEWIFE

I buy too much crap out of catalogues because I'm a rich, white, bored, suburbanite homemaker clich‚. I probably even watch Oprah. And to top it all off I have a slimy, shallow, money-grubbing cigar smoking husband who would bear an eerie resemblance to Ted Danson if it weren't for the full head of hair. Can you help me?

MUMFORD

Help you do what?

HOUSEWIFE

Help me find a man who really respects me. Preferably an over- weight crosseyed pharmacist who will fetishize me because I look like the buxom babes in his 1950's style pulp fiction porn fantasies.

MUMFORD

I see. Of course. Yes, I think I can help you.

HOUSEWIFE

Well, what do I have to do?

MUMFORD

Just deliver a few esoteric, nonsensical monologues that the dimwitted audience members will interpret as profound because they're quirky and smattered with halfway literate words.

HOUSEWIFE

I can do that.

MUMFORD

So can I, coincidentally.

HOPE DAVIS, the first recognizable face in this film, barges into the room with the speed of a slug.

HOPE DAVIS

Yeah, but I'm the master of the nonsensical monologue.

MUMFORD

That's because you've been in all those long winded indie movies. You have more practice.

HOPE DAVIS

And I also have chronic fatigue syndrome.

MUMFORD

That's because you've been in all those...

HOUSEWIFE

Excuse me, she's cutting in on my time.

HOPE DAVIS

My bad.

HOUSEWIFE

So, anyway, as I was saying, I'm cured! You're amazing! You must be--

EDITOR (O.S.)

Okay Mr. Kasdan. I really don't give a fuck if you wrote the best Star Wars episode, enough is enough. I'm taking a stand and cutting some unnecessary shit out of this boring-ass movie. We all know how this scene ends, so we're moving on. Next scene.

EXT. WILDERNESS

MUMFORD and the second recognizable face in the film, JASON LEE, a skateboarding Bill Gates, are perched on a mountaintop, bonding. KEVIN SMITH FANS HOOT and HOLLER.

JASON

Doc, I have a problem.

MUMFORD

What is it?

JASON

I have a very dark secret and I want to tell you what it is, but I'm afraid it'll freak you out and then you won't want to be my friend anymore.

Awkward pause as the AUDIENCE prepares for a GAY KISS.

MUMFORD

Fuck your secret, Jason. I have a much bigger secret than yours. Mine is the biggest secret of all. No secret is bigger than my secret. Go ahead, I dare you to try and guess what it is.

JASON

Hmm. You're an ex-crackhead who changed your identity after fleeing a job as a corrupt IRS agent? Then you laid low and cleaned up at a rehab run by monks? And now you're trying to start a new life as a sensitive guy who'll listen attentively to everybody's problems, no matter how inane, by giving yourself a stupid quirky name that also happens to be the quirky name of this town which also happens to be the stupid quirky name of this...

MUMFORD

Damn. You really are a genius.

JASON

Sorry I ruined your surprise.

MUMFORD

That's okay. That back-story didn't make sense anyway. What I don't get, though, is how everyone knows I'm not a real doctor.

JASON

Maybe it's because you're always revealing your patients' most intimate secrets when everyone over 5 years old knows that betraying a patient's confidence is a violation of the Hippocratic oath.

MUMFORD

You think?

INT. JASON LEE'S WORKSHOP

JASON shows MUMFORD his workshop full of dismembered robotic female body-parts.

JASON

So, anyway, this is my secret: I am designing a lifelike female robot to act as my sex slave, thus quelling my billionaire loneliness. Do you think I'm sick?

MUMFORD

No. Even though your invention is sexist, perverse, antisocial, immature, technologically impossible, and not even very imaginative considering that the same idea has occurred to every monkey-spanker on the planet at least a billion times, I think it's a fantastic idea.

JASON

Really?

MUMFORD

Yes. Being a sweet, sensitive, caring, emotionally mature, spiritually grounded and basically all- around-perfect-man, I don't think it would be hypocritical of me to assert that female sex robots are the perfect solution to your dilemma of how to find female companionship in a world full of shallow, gold digging bitches who only want to get their hands on your money.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

The JUDGE addresses MUMFORD, who stands, smiles peacefully, and LISTENS ATTENTIVELY, as he awaits his sentence.

JUDGE

Pretending to be a doctor when you are clearly not a doctor is a very serious crime. You could mess up somebody's mind that way. I am a mean judge and I intend to throw the book at you.

MUMFORD

That's okay. I understand, because I'm a good listener.

JUDGE

It's unfortunate that the maximum sentence for your heinous crime is only 10 years.

The JUDGE BANGS her gavel.

JUDGE

I sentence you to 3 weeks in jail.

AUDIENCE

What?

LAWRENCE KASDAN

Oops, sometimes I forget to proofread.

The very understanding GUARD allows MUMFORD and HOPE DAVIS to share a long, tender embrace (because we all know how nice prison guards are to convicts).

MUMFORD

(to HOPE)

Will you wait for me?

HOPE DAVIS

Are you fucking kidding? I just found out that Jason Lee has 3 billion dollars. You're not even a real doctor.

MUMFORD

But I listened attentively when you talked about your feelings. I took you on hikes through the wilderness. I cured your depression.

HOPE DAVIS

Sorry. You can't afford this.

HOPE DAVIS rides off after JASON on her brand new skateboard.

HOPE DAVIS

Jason, wait for me!

MUMFORD waves goodbye cheerfully.

MUMFORD

That's okay! I understand! I'm sensitive like that, and as Kasdan has shown, all it takes to cure a person is someone who is willing to listen. Training schmaining!

END