FADE IN:

INT. SPACESHIP MADE OF EVIL GRAY STRAIGHT LINES

SAM WORTHINGTON awakens from cryogenic sleep as the PILOT comes onto the radio.

PILOT

Alright everyone, we're now arriving at Pandora.

SAM WORTHINGTON

Pandora?  No wonder I keep hearing the same twenty songs over and over again.

SAM exits his teeny tiny cryogenic tube.

SAM WORTHINGTON (V.O.)

Air travel has been pretty restrictive since the Christmas underwear bomber.  Anyway, it's 2149 and I'm here to help Giovanni Ribisi make enough money to buy some new vowels for his last name.  Oh, and I'll be occasionally dropping some voiceover exposition, because what would lazy storytelling be without voiceover?

INT. HORRIBLE DRAB NON-NEON MILITARY BASE - PANDORA

SAM wheels his 145-YEAR-OLD WHEELCHAIR into a briefing room to hear a speech by STEPHEN LANG.

SAM WORTHINGTON

Holy shit, Duke Nukem Forever really does get released in the future!

STEPHEN LANG

No, I'm the film's bullheaded tough guy.  Welcome to Pandora.  There's not enough oxygen here to breathe, though it's worth mentioning there is enough oxygen for totally awesome explosions.

SAM WORTHINGTON

Is the gravity at least the same?

STEPHEN LANG

Actually, we'll be constantly mentioning the lower gravity here, but it will somehow have absolutely no effect on anyone.

SAM WORTHINGTON

Is there anything else we should establish now and then completely forget about?

STEPHEN LANG

Oh quite a bit! For instance, I'm going to make a big deal of the Na'vi using poison-tipped arrows, and how they are Very Hard To Kill, which as of right now no longer matters. Plus, get this, we're going to give you the avatar of YOUR DEAD BROTHER which will have no effect on anything past this sentence.

SAM meets SIGOURNEY WEAVER and JOEL MOORE.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

I hate you because you're a marine, and marines are stupid.  Though I will turn out to be wrong about you, I will be correct about all other members of the military.  Fuck the troops.

JOEL MOORE

Let's get you logged into your Avatar 3D IMAX Experience.

SAM WORTHINGTON

So what are these things?  They look like fucking Night Elves.  Is World of Warcraft still around in the future?

JOEL MOORE

Actually yes, but you get your epic mount at level 3 now.  Anyway,  these are avatars.  They are grown by combining the DNA of the Pandora natives with human DNA, but somehow they come out genetically identical to the natives.

SAM mentally links to BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON.

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

I can feel my legs again!  That makes it completely worth how utterly ridiculous I look!

BLUE JOEL MOORE

Be careful with it, Sam.  James Cameron spent millions of dollars to develop the advanced facial capture technology it needs.

BLUE SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Cameron spent millions to develop advanced facial capture technology then strapped it to a guy whose face shows no expression?

BLUE JOEL MOORE

In spite of his role in fucking up the Terminator franchise, no less.  Guy's a saint.

EXT. FANTASTICAL BLUE/GREEN SCREENSAVER OF WONDER - PANDORA

The BLUE CAT GROUP travels into the JUNGLE to HUG TREES AND SHIT.

BLUE SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Look Joel, this plant is exactly the same as it was yesterday!  Research! Science! Breakthroughs!

BLUE JOEL MOORE

Alright Sam, just keep guard while we do some science.  Keep your eyes open; this is a fantastical, far-away land, which means that the organisms are all not quite the same as organisms on earth.

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

I have a not-quite-rhinocerous staring at me.  And now a not-quite-panther is chasing me.

BLUE SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Run!  Run like McG is chasing you with the script to Terminator 5!

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

(running)

Why the hell did they give me a gun if it can't do anything?

SAM gets separated from JOEL and SIGOURNEY.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

We'd better head back to base before it gets dark.  There's no way to locate Sam now.

BLUE JOEL MOORE

No way to locate him?  We spent billions of dollars growing these things and didn't bother giving them a GPS or something?  I have a fucking GPS in my running shoes.  How does the "jacking in" process work if we can't locate the fucking things?

Meanwhile SAM wanders deeper into the jungle.  As night falls, the plants start to emit a neon glow.

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

Oh fuck, I think I wandered into a Joel Schumacher movie.

BLUE ZOE SALDANA

(subtitled)

You should not be here.  Jesus, am I subtitled with the Papyrus font?  Fuck it, I'll speak English.

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

(to self)

Hm, I recall Stephen Lang saying part of our mission was to "infiltrate" the Na'vi, this could be my chance! Just gotta play my cards right...

(aloud)

Hello, please absorb me into your group thanks.

BLUE ZOE SALDANA

I have no fucking reason to do that, especially as my people know all about the whole human-puppet clone thing... and yet, I sense something about you, Blue Sam. In fact, I... SEE... you.

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

Well yeah, I see you too.

BLUE ZOE SALDANA

No, I mean, I... SEE... you. See?

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

See what?

BLUE ZOE SALDANA

See, you don't see.

SAM and ZOE go to HOMETREE and meet ZOE'S FATHER, WES STUDI.

BLUE WES STUDI

Welcome to my village, Sam Worthington.  I am Wes, a Cherokee actor.  You've already met my Latina daughter Zoe, and this is my wife, CCH Pounder, a black actresses. Over here is Laz Alonso, who hates you.

BLUE LAZ ALONSO

I am also played by a black actor.

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

Wow, nice to know the casting session was just as awkwardly racist as the rest of the movie.  Are we going to do the same shit as Pocahontas, The Last Samurai, Ferngully, and Dances with Wolves?

BLUE WES STUDI

Ooh, I was in that last one!  Anyway, Zoe will train you to become one of us and eventually the best of us.

BLUE LAZ ALONSO

What?! I am blue with rage!

ZOE takes SAM through PANDORA.

BLUE ZOE SALDANA

We Na'vi are one with nature.  We reject your culture's love of technology and instead we appreciate the harmony and beauty of the world.

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

I sure am glad computer technology has gotten sophisticated enough that James Cameron could make his $230 million 3D IMAX movie about rejecting technology! I think I understand: technology bad, nature good!

BLUE ZOE SALDANA

Exactly!  Not counting the technology that cryogenically froze you, transported you to this planet, sustains your oxygen supply, or allows you to wirelessly link into an avatar, of course.

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

Of course.

BLUE ZOE SALDANA

Now, see the winged animals behind me?

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

Yes.  Do we appreciate the beauty and majesty of these grand creatures?

BLUE ZOE SALDANA

Huh?  No, we enslave them.  Plug your ponytail into one to take control of its mind.  Fuck you, blue pterodactyl!

SAM successfully plugs his ponytail into the bird the RIGHT WAY UP on his FIRST TRY, further evidence he is the NA'VI MESSIAH OF PROPHECY. He and ZOE fly around for a while so that the AUDIENCE MEMBERS WEARING UNCOMFORTABLE 3D GLASSES feel they got their money's worth.

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

What the fuck?  Floating mountains?  How did "floating mountains" make it all the way from script to storyboard to rendering without anyone asking how mountains can float while people just walk around?

BLUE ZOE SALDANA

The best part is that the floating mountains have waterfalls.  Where is the water coming from?

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

Holy shit, you're right!  I think I'm in love with you!

SAM and ZOE have sex.

BLUE ZOE SALDANA

Oops, is it gay if the braids touch?

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

We'd better cut to something else before the audience realizes they are watching giant blue kitty cats fuck.

SMASH CUT AWAY FROM SMASHING CATS TO:

INT. MILITARY BASE

GIOVANNI RIBISI is talking to STEPHEN LANG.

GIOVANNI RIBISI

Hang on while I putt this ball into this mug for the 3D crowd.  Alright now, I think it may be time to blow up Hometree. Because despite our mindboggling scientific advances in genetics, space travel, robotics, etc., the only way to extract the valuable resources we need is to explode shit and rip everything all to crap with gigantic Tonka toys.

STEPHEN LANG

I growl with approval.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

You can't!  Don't you understand how amazing these trees are?  Each tree has ten to the fourth connections to the trees around it!

JOEL MOORE

That's almost ten-thousand connections!

GIOVANNI RIBISI

Listen, I don't care about trees. I'm here to mine Unobtainium! Mwa ha ha!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

"Unobtainium"?  Really?  May as well have just gone with "MacGuffinium".

GIOVANNI orders HOMETREE destroyed but BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON tries to stop it.

STEPHEN LANG

(viewing on monitor)

Ha ha, look at those idiot Na'vi trying to shoot our helicopters with poison-tipped arrows that just bounce harmlessly off the windshields! Everyone file that under "not at all dangerous".

(double-take)

Hey, zoom in on that blue guy.  Enhance!

GIOVANNI RIBISI

Oh, did you just say "enhance" while looking at a paused video?  I think I just got Movie Cliche Bingo!

STEPHEN storms into the AVATAR LINK ROOM to unplug SAM WORTHINGTON.

JOEL MOORE

No, don't! Unplugging an avatar is extremely dangerous!

STEPHEN LANG

And yet we're going to do it like ten times in the movie without consequence!

STEPHEN unplugs SAM then locks him, JOEL, and SIGOURNEY in a cell.  MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ breaks them out.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

Stephen just blew the fuck out of Hometree.  I disobeyed a direct order and left, but I guess that's alright in the future because I'm not locked in there with you.  Let's go fly the mobile avatar link station into the jungle somewhere.

SAM WORTHINGTON

But how will that work, without any connections to anything of any kind, including a power source?

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

ALL THINGS IN JAMES CAMERON'S DREAMS ARE POSSIBLE IN THE FUTURE!

SAM links back up with BLUE SAM and captures THE ONLY THING ON THE PLANET THAT ISN'T BLUE OR GREEN.

SAM WORTHINGTON (V.O.)

Somehow, I was the first guy to ever think of jumping onto the red flying pterodactyl from above.  So that made me the king or something, and I went around gathering natives all around the planet to help defend against the next attack.

BLUE ZOE SALDANA

Blue Sam, you've returned! But I... SEE... that something is wrong. Besides the hundreds of my people dead and our land devastated, I mean.

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

Something far worse has happened--they shot Sigourney Weaver! We must save her!

They DON'T. Meanwhile the BAD GUYS, having achieved their goal of BLOWING SHIT UP, hatch a new plan to BLOW MORE SHIT UP.

STEPHEN LANG

Giovanni, someone is gathering Na'vi together to defend the Tree of Souls.  They've gone from ten to the second to over ten to the third Na'vi!

GIOVANNI RIBISI

Hmm.  What would Paul Reiser from Aliens do?  I guess, murder everyone.

STEPHEN assembles a team to bomb the TREE OF SOULS.  BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON leads a counterattack.  Even MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ helps!

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

You're not the only one with a gun, bitch.

(dies)

Okay now you are, bitch.

The NA'VI fire 3D ARROWS that whiz past the audience in a totally immersive and non-gimmicky way!

RANDOM EVIL MILITARY PILOT

Ha ha ha, I'll have no trouble mowing down these Na'vi from the safety of my helicop-

(arrow crashes through windshield and skewers pilot)

WHAT THE?! But we... specifically... established...

(dies)

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON takes down the ship carrying the bomb, causing it to detonate a few yards from the original target and therefore doing NO DAMAGE.  STEPHEN LANG enters a BATTLEMECH and jumps to the surface.

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

A battlemech?  Really?

STEPHEN LANG

James Cameron is convinced every movie would be better with battlemechs.  To be fair, he's probably right.

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

Huh.  Well, there's only one thing in the world that could possibly make a battle between an 8-foot-tall smurf and a giant mech any more ridiculous.

STEPHEN LANG

A knife fight, of course! And for extra stupidity my knife isn't even built into my suit, it's a giant oversized novelty knife I have to robo-hold in my robo-hand! Does this thing come with giant Q-Tips for my robo-ears?

STEPHEN and SAM fight.  Eventually, SAM wins, but his mind SNAPS BACK into his human body which is going to die! Luckily ZOE is able to rush him to the I SEE YOU in time and make him a permanent avatar, YAY!

BLUE ZOE SALDANA

Sam, we did it!  Why aren't you more excited?

BLUE SAM WORTHINGTON

Well, I'm confused.  I can't figure out why the internet is so in love with this movie.  It's just another three-hour James Cameron blockbuster that uses an absurdly cliche plot full of painfully corny dialogue to hold together what is merely a showcase for stunning special effects.

BLUE ZOE SALDANA

Simple.  People on the internet can't dress up as characters from Titanic.  Half the internet is furries, dude.

END