FADE IN:

EXT. PLANET EARTH, DAY

We ZOOM IN on Earth’s SURFACE while EPIC MUSIC swells.

MOVIE TRAILER GUY

The future...

(drum beat kicks in)

A flying UNIVERSAL logo has thrown off the Earth’s tilt...

(pan flute solo)

And melted the polar ice caps.

(is that a didgeridoo?)

THIS HAPPENS and WATER covers the WORLD. A SHIP comes into view with KEVIN COSTNER on deck.

THE KEVINER

(pisses into bottle)

This may be the only bathroom on set but, if anyone else uses it, I quit!

CAST AND CREW

(develop bladder infections)

THE KEVINER pours it into a MACHINE that converts it into “FRESH” WATER.

THE KEVINER

(drinks with immense pleasure)

Nothing satisfies like the taste of my own urine...

He arrives at an ARTIFICIAL ATOLL. Guardsman, R.D. CALL stands atop the HIGH WALLS.

R.D. CALL

(shouts)

What’s your business?

THE KEVINER

(holds up jar)

I’ve got a jar of dir-irt! I’ve got a jar of dir-irt! And guess what’s inside it!

THE KEVINER throws DUST in the WIND. Only for a MOMENT then the MOMENT’S GONE. R.D. GASPS and opens the GATE.

INT. ATOLL, DAY

THE KEVINER sails inside and drifts past a FUNERAL CEREMONY.

ZAKES MOKAE

Bones to berries,

Veins to vines,

Get on up,

It’s bobsled time!

The old bag’s dead,

Her body returns to clay,

So let’s recycle this bitch,

And get on with our day!

They ROLL THE BODY into a pit of NASTY, YELLOW MUD.

THE KEVINER

Gross...

(sips more urine)

THE KEVINER ties his boat to the DOCK, goes to a BANK, and hands over his DIRT to be WEIGHED.

DIRT-TASTING JACKASS

(tastes dirt)

Pure dirt! It’s not cut with cocaine or anything!

(crowd gasps)

Seven pounds of Uncut Oklahoma Bam Bam comes out to... 62 chits.

THE KEVINER

I want twice that... And throw in one of those garbage hats you people love so much.

THE KEVINER goes to a STORE, owned by JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN, and sits at the BAR.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

Can I get you a glass of “hydro”? Our people don’t even know what trees are but understand the chemical composition of water.

(breathes “oxy”)

GERARD MURPHY

(slides up to bar)

Make it two! I’m sure this scowling stranger wants to buy a drink for the last ginger on Earth!

(faces Kevin)

All the others died when the sunscreen ran out... I’m like a friggin’ unicorn!

THE KEVINER

(ignores him)

I’ll take ALL your water. And that tomato plant. And those shelves, too... While I’m at it, do you have any first-born children in stock?

TINA MAJORINO enters, YOUNG and CUTE AS A BUTTON, despite her SNOOP DOGG HAIR. She reaches for something and exposes a TRAMP STAMP with CHINESE CHARACTERS on her BACK.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

(covers tattoo)

Go inside, Tina! We have to keep your tattoo hidden so I have no idea why I dressed you in a crop top!

TINA goes inside and GERARD leaves to find some SHADE.

INT. ATOLL, A FEW MINUTES LATER

THE KEVINER carries his NEW SHIT back to his BOAT. He’s STOPPED by a group of ATOLL A-HOLES.

SAB SHIMONO

Hello, we just discovered the ill-effects of inbreeding so... Wanna screw my daughter?

THE KEVINER

(pushes past)

Can’t a seaman go anywhere without someone asking for semen?

RICK AVILES

At least tell us the secret to your thick, beautiful, not-at-all-touched-up-in-post-with-CGI hair!

(reaches to caress “hair”)

RICK recoils in HORROR when he sees GILLS behind THE KEVINER’S EARS.

RICK AVILES

Gills in his neck would have made more sense but whatever...

(screams)

MUTATION!!!

An UNDERWATER FIGHT happens and THE KEVINER KILLS TWO A-HOLES but R.D. CAPTURES him with a NET.

INT. ATOLL, SEVERAL WEEKS AFTER THE SET WAS DESTROYED BY A HURRICANE AND REBUILT, DAY

THE KEVINER is in a CAGE, suspended above the YELLOW MUD. “OLD” MICHAEL JETER visits him and starts ACTING HIS BRAINS OUT.

“OLD” MICHAEL JETER

(has insane accent that works on every level)

You are the mutant with functioning ear vaginas, yes?

MICHAEL sees his WEBBED TOES and CACKLES in a way that sounds MANIACAL and WHIMSICAL at the same time.

THE KEVINER

You’re a goddamn genius. Can you teach me to do an English accent?

“OLD” MICHAEL JETER

First tell me the way to dry land, yes? The child’s tattoo is said to be a map but I can’t read the inscrutable, dead language, yes? Don’t let the secret die with you, Mr. Ichthyus Sapien!

(beat)

I have a waterproof Latin dictionary, yes...

A band of FILTHY, CHAIN-SMOKING PIRATES, led by DENNIS HOPPER in a COD PIECE, show up and ATTACK with MACHINE GUNS.

SMOKER 1

(riding century-old jet ski)

Gerard led us here to find Tina!

(sprayed with firehose, dies)

SMOKER 2

(riding water skis dragged behind plane)

We need her alive so we can use that map!

(splatters against wall, dies)

SMOKER 3

(riding shark with laser beam attached to its head)

That’s why we’re shooting indiscriminantly!

(forgets to breathe, dies)

The FRICKIN’ LASER BEAM cuts the CHAIN above the CAGE and it starts SINKING into the MUD.

THE KEVINER

I think I found-

(chokes on mud)

The other bathroom-

JEANNE jumps on top of the HALF-SUBMERGED CAGE.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

I’ll bust you out if you take us with you! Deal?!

THE KEVINER

(inches from death)

Tough call...

CUT TO:

DENNIS HOPPER

A sailboat’s getting away! Kill him! I hate sails! And recycling! Nuke the whales!

(is Captain Planet villain)

A GUNBOAT starts SHOOTING at THE KEVINER’S SHIP but drifts OFF COURSE and FIRES at DENNIS’ BOAT.

DENNIS HOPPER

Careful where you’re aimin’, cousin! You’ll put an eye ou-

(shot in the eye)

DENNIS loses his DEPTH PERCEPTION in a FIERY EXPLOSION and the SAILBOATSHIP glides away MAJESTICALLY.

EXT. THE KEVINER’S SHIP, DAY

THE KEVINER sits atop the MAST and BROODS.

THE KEVINER

(grumbling)

... divorce me?! I’ll fuck every hula girl on this island...

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

(calls up)

How long until we get to dry land?

THE KEVINER

... Dry land?

(stifles laugh)

Right, yeah, that tooootally exists... But we don’t have enough food or water to get there-

(holds up broken piss machine)

So I’m throwing the kid overboard.

THE KEVINER slides down and heads for TINA but JEANNE places her HAND on his CHEST.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

Tina, go below deck and cover your ears!

(strokes chest fuzz)

This is an all-over tan, you know... Seriously, it takes three hours of make-up to look this bronze.

JEANNE drops her DRESS way too EASILY and shows a SPLIT-SECOND of POSTERIOR NUDITY.

TEENAGE BOYS IN THE '90S

(pause VCR)

THE KEVINER

Nice ass!

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

(offscreen, getting manicure)

Thanks! I picked it myself!

BUTT MODEL

(feels intense shame)

A SMOKER AIRPLANE appears in the sky, piloted by JACK BLACK.

JACK BLACK

(shouts to GUNNER)

Don’t hit the kid or the naked chick!

(peers through binoculars)

Skadoosh!

GUNNER

(dons blindfold, starts shooting)

JEANNE grabs her DRESS and WARDROBE sews her BACK INTO IT.

THE KEVINER

Don’t touch anything! Especially not that harpoon gun!

(disappears below deck)

But she TOUCHES IT GOOD and HITS THE PLANE but FUCKS THE SHIP UP in the process.

GUNNER

(harpooned in chest)

JACK BLACK

(strums guitar)

Kyle took a harpoon for me,

Now I gotta rock for three,

KG and me,

Don’t forget about Tenacious Deeeeeeeeeeeee...

(flies away)

THE KEVINER reappears and sees the DAMAGE.

THE KEVINER

(shocked)

Another ruined set?! Our budget is so fucked...

He grabs JEANNE and roughly CUTS HER HAIR OFF with a KNIFE.

TINA MAJORINO

(emerges from hiding place)

Ooh, do mine, too! These cornrows are killing me!

EXT. THE KEVINER’S SHIP, A FEW DAYS LATER

They come across EXTREMELY MEMORABLE DRIFTER, KIM COATES and invite him aboard to TRADE.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

(visibly dehydrated)

Thanks for the fishing rod; I’m starving!

THE KEVINER

(mouth full)

Yep, that’s right...

(chewing loudly)

There’s no food at all!

KIM COATES

(manic Irish accent)

Oh-oh-oh-good-good-good-aye-aye-aye! I haven’t eaten anything but scenery in... forever.

(giggles)

You’re a lucky man, dontchano? Got yerself a wee harem o’ ladies with fancy haircuts... Gimme halfanhour with Jeanne and I’ll give ya’ this...

(pulls out container)

PAPER!!!

(cranks acting up to eleven)

PAPER can you believe it- you ever seen PAPER before- SMELL IT!

THE KEVINER

(contemplates)

Over the pants, mouth and hand stuff only.

(offers hand)

Take it or leave it.

KIM COATES

Oh aye! Halfanhour-halfanhour-halfanhour!

(reaches for handshake)

THE KEVINER

(yanks hand away)

Too late! Changed my mind!

THEY FIGHT and KIM DIES from a bad case of KNIFE IN THE BACK. THE KEVINER throws the BODY and the FISHING ROD overboard.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

I needed that, you Teeny-Ponytail-Having sonuvabitch!

THE KEVINER

Lies! It’s all lies! I could catch a giant CG mutant fish for dinner right now if I wanted!

(glances offscreen)

But the Budget Supervisor is vigorously shaking his head right now... Anyway, there’s plenty of water, too!

(kicks open stocked cooler)

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

(shocked)

But dry land still exists, right?!

THE KEVINER

(grimaces)

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

But it has to! We found Tina in a floating basket full of dirt just like yours!

(bursts into tears)

The banker said it was the best dirt he ever tasted...

THE KEVINER

Dry land is a myth!

(grabs Jeanne)

If dry land was close enough to the atoll for a baby to survive floating there in a basket, don’t you think you would have found it by now?!

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

That’s probably just a gaping plot hole! Besides, where’d you get YOUR dirt?!

THE KEVINER

(sighs)

Get in this giant bubble, I’m taking you under the sea!

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

Under the sea?

THE KEVINER

I’ll show you more on the ocean floor, take it from me!

(beat)

Tina, you stay here and try to blend in with the surrounding water, cool?

TINA MAJORINO

(mutters)

We’re being pursued by speed-boating murderers but, sure, let’s leave the Girl with the McGuffin Tattoo unattended for a few hours...

EXT. BURNING CHUNKS OF DRIFTWOOD, DAY

JEANNE and THE KEVINER resurface.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

(gasps)

Oh my God! Dry land is at the bottom of the-

THE KEVINER

(interrupts)

Yeah, yeah, we’re way ahead of the reveal here. The narrator spoiled it in the first 10 seconds.

MOVIE TRAILER GUY

I spoiled it...

(dramatical pause)

In the trailer, too.

They discover the SHIP has been DESTROYED and climb aboard WHAT’S LEFT OF THE DECK.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

(panicked)

The Smokers took Tina and destroyed your ship! Oh God, what’s happening to my poor, surrogate daughter?! Oh God, how will we survive?!

THE KEVINER

Are you as turned on as I am?

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

MORE!

(dives into kiss)

The two COLLAPSE on DECK and have FREAKY INTERSPECIES FISHMAN SEX.

THE KEVINER

If we’d released this in 2018, maybe WE would’ve won Best Picture...

(puts on clothes)

“OLD” MICHAEL JETER

(shouts from offscreen)

Jeanne! Jeanne! Up here!

They LOOK UP and see MICHAEL in a homemade HOT AIR BALLOON.

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

You escaped the atoll!

(uneasy)

How much did you-

“OLD” MICHAEL JETER

We saw EVERYTHING!

(chortles)

I found a boat full of other survivors, yes?

DIRT-TASTING JACKASS

(pokes head out)

Bet you didn’t expect me to survive!

(coughs up sand)

Somebody was feeling Tripplehorny, amirite?

R.D. CALL

(pokes head out)

We know where they took Tina!

(blushes, giggles)

Hiya, Jeanne... Nice MAN lines- I mean, TAN lines...

INT. THE USS METAPHOR FOR AMERICA, DAY

DENNIS stands above the GREASY CITIZENS of his OIL RIG and delivers a SPEECH. He wears a pair of GOGGLES as an EYE PATCH because ancient PLASTIC is more COMFORTABLE than a simple BANDAGE.

DENNIS HOPPER

My fellow Global-Warming-Deniers! I’ve had a vision!

(throws handful of cigarettes)

A vision of dry land! And condos!

(beans child with can of SPAM)

And we’re gonna use tons of plastic drinking straws! And drive gas-guzzling humvees! And cut down all the Truffula Trees!

(flips off the Lorax)

Poseidon graced us with a map!

GERARD grabs TINA and holds her up like SIMBA to show off her TATTOO.

DENNIS HOPPER

Now go grab your giant paddles and row until you figure out I have no idea where we’re going, ya bunch of morons!

The CROWD CHEERS and DISAPPEARS BELOW DECK.

THE KEVINER

(walks out of crowd)

Let her go! I had to cut an entire action set piece for time so let’s finish this quickly!

THE KEVINER lights a FLARE and holds it over an OPEN PORTHOLE that leads to the ship’s ENTIRE OIL SUPPLY.

GERARD MURPHY

(slaps forehead)

I knew this would happen!

(mutters)

Cover the oil hole, I said... Oil’s flammable and 100% of our citizens smoke, I said...

DENNIS HOPPER

You’re bluffing! You’re not crazy!

THE KEVINER

Oh yeah?! I threatened to quit if the studio didn’t hire Kevin Reynolds to direct and then undermined every one of his creative decisions and forced HIM to quit!

(drops flare)

“Crazy” is my middle name!

The entire ship CATCHES FIRE and EXPLODES and DENNIS crashes a JET SKI and EXPLODES and GERARD gets MELANOMA and EXPLODES. The rig SINKS but THE KEVINER saves TINA using a combination of ZIPLINING, GRAPPLING HOOKING, and BUNGEE JUMPING.

“OLD” MICHAEL JETER

(pulls Tina into balloon)

Holy shit, yes? I’ve been reading the map upside-down this entire time, yes?

(does calculations)

Dry land is... THAT way!

EXT. ISLAND FROM JURASSIC PARK, DAY

The SURVIVORS arrive and DISEMBARK. They find a RIVER.

“OLD” MICHAEL JETER

(tastes water)

It’s fresh!

DIRT-TASTING JACKASS

(tastes water)

It’s not dirt... But it’s not bad.

R.D. CALL

Hooray! We can pee wherever we want!

TINA passes a SIGN that says “WELCOME TO MOUNT EVEREST” and enters a HUT full of SKELETONS.

TINA MAJORINO

I’m home...

(is not Asian)

JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN

Thank God this nightmare’s finally over!

(sniffs clothes, winces)

Christ I need a shower... And a new agent...

THE KEVINER

Welp, I’m officially bored.

(jumps onto new ship)

I’m off to pursue another adventure! And I promise it won’t be such an epic flop this time!

(becomes post-apocalyptic mailman)

END