FADE IN:

EXT. WASHINGTON DC

NICOLAS CAGE and JUSTIN BARTHA complain sarcastically.

JUSTIN BARTHA

I've lost my Ferrari and I can't get laid. No one wants to buy my book. I'm in massive debt.

NICOLAS CAGE

Everyone thinks my great-great-grandfather helped the guy who was working with the guy who killed Abraham Lincoln.

JUSTIN BARTHA

That's not that bad, you're still super rich and nobody really pays atten-

NICOLAS CAGE

MY ANCESTORS ARE EVERYTHING I HAVE! AND THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE THEIR INNOCENCE IS BY FINDING THE TREASURE!!

JUSTIN BARTHA

...Actually, if you were to take two damn seconds to think about it, finding the treasure wouldn't prove anything except that the treasure exists-

NICOLAS CAGE

TO PARIS!

EXT. PARIS, FRANCE

JUSTIN BARTHA uses a TOY from RADIO SHACK to find a CHRONOLOGICALLY INACCURATE CLUE on one of the three Statues of Liberty.

NICOLAS CAGE

If only a French police officer with unrealistically good English were to pass by conveniently and translate this clue for us!

FRENCH POLICE OFFICER WITH UNREALISTICALLY GOOD ENGLISH

(passing by conveniently)

Hey.

NICOLAS CAGE

Eureka! Are you pompously scrunching up your face like that to complete the stereotype that the French are snooty little dickfaces?

FRENCH POLICE OFFICER

What? No, the sun's bouncing off some enormous, reflective surface straight into my eyes. If only I could see what it was-

NICOLAS CAGE

It's an occupational hazard of being in a Nic Cage movie, sorry. Just say your lines and it'll all be over.

FRENCH POLICE OFFICER

Ugh, fine, "go to London."

INT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE

JUSTIN BARTHA sets up a command center in a bathroom stall by displaying the APPLE LOGO as much as possible. DIANE KRUGER shows up to do virtually nothing while NICOLAS proceeds to EMBARRASS HIMSELF and PISS OFF everyone in England. This somehow gives him access to the Queen's DESK/RUBIKS CUBE.

NICOLAS CAGE

A four digit combination! There are literally thousands of possibilities, but hey, we have Google.

(solves it)

An ancient plank of wood with Olmec symbols! How is this not crumbling in my fingers?

Suddenly ED HARRIS and his group of ALMOST-AS-BALD-AS-ED-HARRIS CRONIES arrive to FUCK SHIT UP. There's a CAR CHASE! And GUNS! And absolutely no COPS responding to the SPEEDING, GUNFIRE, and DESTRUCTION OF PUBLIC PROPERTY.

NICOLAS CAGE

Since the only camera we have isn't working, I'll need to run a red light, hold the plank up so the red light camera gets a shot of it, then have Justin hack into the police database and extract the surprisingly high quality photo, then throw the plank into the river we'll conveniently be crossing over-

JUSTIN BARTHA

What the fuck? Why does our camera have to be broken? What does running a red light add to the story? And what's with the product placement all over the goddamn place?

NICOLAS CAGE

(guzzling Aquafina, licking a Mercedes)

What product placement?

INT. UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND

DIANE, JUSTIN, NICOLAS, and his dad, JON VOIGHT visit HELEN MIRREN so she can translate the plank of wood.

HELEN MIRREN

Hello Nicolas, I'm your mother.

NICOLAS CAGE

Are we really supposed to believe that? I just assumed I was born in a test tube or something; Jon looks completely absurd.

JON VOIGHT

You should've seen me in Heat.

JUSTIN BARTHA

Gross.

HELEN MIRREN

Tequila makes you do crazy things, son. By the way, your piece of wood is a treasure map to the city of gold.

NICOLAS CAGE

Hell yeah it is.

NICOLAS finds a CLUE, which leads them to another CLUE, which leads them to a KEY that unlocks NICOLAS' ability to become OVER-DRAMATIC.

NICOLAS CAGE

I have to kidnap the Pope of the- uh, I mean, the PRESIDENT of the United States. He's at Mount Vatican- er, Vernon. Mount Vernon.

DIANE KRUGER

Did you accidentally pick up the script for Angels and Demons again?

NICOLAS CAGE

Dammit, yeah. But it's okay, I can fix this.

NICOLAS takes his script and crosses out "Illuminati" and "Raphael" and writes in "Lincoln Assassination" and "morning glory sparklers".

DIANE KRUGER

That explains a lot.

NICOLAS CAGE

Now, where were we? Oh right, I'm going to kidnap the President of the United States.

JUSTIN BARTHA

(sighing)

Whatever. As long as we don't have to go to Vegas.

EXT. MOUNT VERNON, VIRGINIA

NICOLAS sneaks into PRESIDENT BRUCE GREENWOOD'S birthday party unbelievably easily.

NICOLAS CAGE

Happy birthday, Mr. President. Your security is pitiful, by the way. I literally walked right in.

PRESIDENT BRUCE GREENWOOD

I know, that's the last time I hire anyone off Craigslist. Anyway, you having fun? We tried to book a juggler but all we got was Randy Travis.

NICOLAS traps BRUCE in the CELLAR.

NICOLAS CAGE

I'm running out of people to solve all my clues for me, so I need your secret book/answer key.

PRESIDENT BRUCE GREENWOOD

I have no such thing.

(pause)

Just kidding. It's at the Library of Congress. But be careful, the FBI knows you held me against my will tonight, which means you'll have a bunch of cop cars speeding behind you but never actually impeding your progress for the rest of the movie.

NICOLAS CAGE

Couldn't you just tell them the door closed behind you accidentally? I mean, I clearly have no harmful intentions-

PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

TALKING REASONABLY IS FOR PUSSIES, LET'S HAVE ANOTHER CAR CHASE!

Some CARS chase the MOTHERFUCKING FUCK OUT OF EACH OTHER until they CRASH into a FIREBALL shaped like an EAGLE.

PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

(crushing can of red bull into forehead)

AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

EXT. MOUNT RUSHMORE, SOUTH DAKOTA

Despite being the MOST WANTED MAN IN THE COUNTRY, NICOLAS manages to drive over 1,000 miles from Washington DC to South Dakota in about a night with no problems whatsoever. ED HARRIS holds HELEN MIRREN hostage in order to get NICOLAS to lead him to the CITY OF GOLD.

NICOLAS CAGE

Wow, you're holding one of my parents hostage? This doesn't remind me of the first movie at all.

ED HARRIS

I brunch with Sean Bean on Tuesdays. Now kindly look past the fact that I'm currently pointing a gun at your mother and collaborate with me so I can take full credit for the discovery of the treasure.

That HAPPENS.

The group finds the entrance to some ANCIENT OLMEC CAVES, which are sure to have extensive security measures considering they lead to THE GREATEST AND MOST VALUABLE NATIVE AMERICAN TREASURE OF ALL TIME. They encounter ONE TRAP.

NICOLAS CAGE

That's it? ONE trap? Jesus, the Goonies had to deal with more than this.

DIANE KRUGER

Look, there's something carved into the wall!

NICOLAS CAGE

"Lara Croft was here". Dammit, I wanted first comment.

A whole bunch of STONE moves around. JON and HELEN are separated from the group for NO REASON. They FIGHT. Then they MAKE OUT. Mostly they accomplish NOTHING while HELEN shows an uncomfortable amount of BOOB.

INT. THE "CITY" OF GOLD

JUSTIN BARTHA

This is it? THIS is the City of Gold? El Dorado? It just looks like Bruce Wayne got carried away with some gold legos in the Batcave.

In his anger, JUSTIN violates REALITY by picking up a MASSIVE BRICK OF GOLD as if it had the weight of one of the WRITER'S BRAINS.

DIANE KRUGER

Hey... hold on, gold wasn't utilized until a few hundred years after the Olmec...

HELEN MIRREN

Yeah... and they lived in Mexico, which is 2,000 miles south of here. So really, the entire premise of the City of Gold in this movie is completely nonsensical-

WATER

(changing the subject)

BOOOOOOSH!!!

Suddenly, the city/basement FLOODS. The group makes their way to a POORLY DESIGNED DRAIN, and ED HARRIS decides to stop being the BAD GUY, after which he is promptly KILLED OFF.

ED HARRIS

I'm sorry I framed your ancestor!! I just wanted you to help me find the treasure so I could make my mark on historyyy!!

NICOLAS CAGE

What the hell? If you wanted my help, why were you shooting at me earlier? I wouldn't have been much use if I was dead.

ED HARRIS

Uhhhh...

(drowns)

INT. THE CITY OF GOLD AGAIN, INEXPLICABLY DRY

The patriotic music swells and everyone pats each other on the back while RED, WHITE, and BLUE FIREWORKS explode in the background.

DIANE KRUGER

Well, it could've been worse. We could've pulled an Indiana Jones and had aliens or some shit at the end.

NICOLAS CAGE

Didn't you catch all the Area 51 references and the obvious cliffhanger? That's exactly what we're going to do.

END.