FADE IN:

INT. - STEREOTYPICAL HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

That's my school!

REESE WITHERSPOON, a high school junior, approaches her teacher, MATTHEW BRODERICK.

REESE

Matthew, I've never gone to high school because I was gorgeous and became an actress. I don't think I can play a high school student.

MATTHEW

Nonesense, Reese! I never went to high school, either, but John Hughes taught me how to be a high school student. In fact, I've been playing Ferris Bueller ever sense!

REESE

Wow, how do you do it?

MATTHEW

Just be sly and stupid at the same time.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

I wish my teacher was that cool.

REESE

But, Ferris Bueller was a bad kid, I'm playing an over-achiever.

MATTHEW

Oh, then be sly and smart.

REESE

Ok! And I'm going to run for student body president!

MATTHEW

Good, that will almost count as a plot.

INT. - HIGH SCHOOL GYM - DAY

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

Look, its one of those rallies where the candidates give their speeches and everyone is bored..

MATTHEW

Hi everyone. I was Ferris Bueller, but now I am a high school teacher. Isn't that ironic? Ok, on with the plot. Here are the candidates.

REESE

Hello everyone. In real life I am married and pregnant, but please believe that I am a high school student. Look, I made a nice sign even though no one is running against me. Oh, and finally, I am sly and smart, so that makes me a high school student.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

I hate the dorks who do their homework and run for student body president.

CHRIS KLIEN

Wait! I used to be the football star, but then I broke my leg, so now I want to be president, too. I either can't act, am acting like an idiot, or I am an idiot in real life, so vote for me.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

He is so cool, but I hate him, too. He is popular.

JESSICA CAMPBELL

I am the football star's dorky sister. Oh, and I'm an up-and-coming lesbian. The girl I love is now my brother's girlfriend. She did it just to get back at me, so now I am getting back at her by running for president. I know it doesn't make sense. Oh, and I hate myself, I hate everyone, I hate school.

INT. - MATTHEW'S OFFICE - DAY

MARK HARELIK

Her pussy gets so wet, man.

MATTHEW

You mean Reese isn't the good girl she appears to be?

MARK

No way, that would make her such a flat character. And she is very round, believe me.

MATTHEW

This is such a dark comedy. That makes me deep.

TEENAGE AUDIENCE

That guy said "pussy." This is such a dark comedy. That makes me an adult.

MARK

Her pussy gets so wet, man.

MATTHEW

You are such a pervert. You were her teacher and you had sex with her? You have a wife and a kid! You could get fired.

INT. - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY

The stereotypical, hard-nosed PRINCIPAL sits at his desk. MARK is crying, which is both funny and sad at the same time, which makes this a dark comedy.

MATTHEW

And that makes me deep. Oh, wait, I'm not even in the scene.

PRINCIPAL

You are such a pervert, Mark. You were her teacher and you had sex with her? You have a wife and a kid! You are fired.

INT. - MARK's wife's house - DAY

MARK'S WIFE

This movie isn't going anywhere. I know you are married, but have sex with me anyway.

MATTHEW

Ok, it will make it a darker comedy, which will only make me deeper. But don't forget that I was Ferris Bueller.

MARK'S WIFE

Let's have sex again this afternoon, but this time at a hotel.

INT. - HOTEL ROOM - DAY

MATTHEW

She hasn't shown up. I guess I'll go to her house, get stung by a bee and have my eye swell up. That will be symbolic of my downfall. Then I'll go home, dejected to find...

INT. - MATTHEW'S HOME - DAY

MARK'S WIFE is there with MATTHEW'S WIFE.

MATTHEW'S WIFE

Mark's wife told me everything, you horrible person! We're getting a divorce.

MATTHEW

Oh shit. I went and did something as bad as Mark did!

INT. - STEREOTYPICAL HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY

MATTHEW

Oh no! Reese just won the election by one vote. I hate her, though no one understands why. I will make Chris win instead!

REESE

Oh no! I lost!

HONEST KID

Matthew, you cheated. It is a mean thing to do. You should be fired.

INT. - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY

PRINCIPAL

Matthew, you cheated. It is a mean thing to do. You are fired.

INT. - NEW YORK CITY MUSEUM - DAY

MATTHEW

I ruined my life, my perfect life. But now I have a job at a museum in New York City, giving tours. I can still teach! So, I can pretend to be happy now, so everyone will leave the theater happy. I know, I'll even get back at Reese, even though she never did anything.

Reese drives away in a limo. Matthew throws a slushy at the rear window. The AUDIENCE cheers, even though there is no reason for Matthew to hate Reese.

MATTHEW

So, remember I am happy. Please go see "Inspector Gadget" even though I never should have made the film. If you do, I promise to make another dark comedy, because I am deep.

END