"No chance, Pierce. Just go watch Swordfish."


"No chance, Pierce. Just go watch Swordfish."

DIE ANOTHER DAY

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. REMOTE, SEXY LOCATION

PIERCE BROSNAN enters and meets RICK YUNE and VARIOUS VILLAINS.

RICK YUNE

Blah blah blah something probably involving weapons or guns. Landmines, I think. Diamonds?

PIERCE BROSNAN

And lasers?

RICK YUNE

Sure. Let me consult my Secret Agent Detector, brought to you by Nokia, for a second..

(pause)

Hey! You're a secret agent!

PIERCE BROSNAN

What, let me see that!

(looks)

That's Sean Connery!

RICK YUNE

Good enough for me. Let us commence the traditional opening escape sequence!

PIERCE and RICK and SOME OTHER GUY chase each other on hovercrafts. Explosions OCCUR. Eventually, PIERCE is CAPTURED.

That's right, CAPTURED. Seriously.

INT. TORTURE CHAMBER

PIERCE is beaten mercilessly. As the AUDIENCE recoils in horror at the idea that PIERCE has LOST, SADISTIC DIRECTOR LEE TAMAHORI makes things worse by playing A SHITTY, UNSEXY, BADLY MIXED SYNTHPOP MADONNA SONG.

MADONNA

I'm gonna fuck up, this sequence

I'm gonna synthpop, to torture

I'm gonna clash with, visuals

I'm gonna cash my check right now!

Guess I'll buy a new chalet!

Guess I'll buy a nice fillet!

Guess I'll buy most of Bombay!

Guess I'll buy, while you all pay!

Eventually, it ceases. PIERCE is RELEASED in exchange for RICK YUNE, who has been given a TRADITIONAL STUPID BOND VILLAIN SCAR.

INT. HOSPITAL

PIERCE awakes, and JUDI DENCH tells him to fuck off and DIE. Everyone hates PIERCE, so he has to fight the bad guys alone.

AUDIENCE

Alright, what the fuck?

EXT. REMOTE, SEXY LOCATION

BOND looks for RICK YUNE, but instead finds HALLE BERRY, whom he FUCKS.

HALLE BERRY

Why do I always have absolutely no damn personality?

Then he finds out about a bunch of DIAMONDS and finds TOBY STEPHENS, whom he FIGHTS. Also, MADONNA appears to remind everyone that the other actors aren't really so bad.

TOBY STEPHENS

I'm a cocky asshole, much like yourself. Let's fence. But with enormous swords, which you appear to be proficient with, for some reason.

PIERCE WINS! Having completed both mission objectives, he continues on to the next level of the game.

INT. JUDI DENCH'S OFFICE

JUDI DENCH speaks with PIERCE BROSNAN, who wears his famous GODAWFUL SMIRK on his well-chiseled, quickly aging face.

JUDI DENCH

Good job, Pierce! I've got another mission for you now. Would you like to save your game?

PIERCE BROSNAN

Yes, please.

JUDI DENCH

Saving to memory pak slot #11.

(pause)

Saved. Would you like to hear your new mission?

PIERCE BROSNAN

Yes.

JUDI DENCH

Please wait, loading.....

(long pause)

This is your new partner.

ROSAMUND PIKE

May a thousand rotting animals be stuffed into your colon.

JUDI DENCH

She's a cold bitch, and almost definitely a double agent. Your mission is to go to Iceland, display cool gadgets, and blow shit up until Toby Stephens is dead or arrested. Also, you get a better ending if you save Jinx.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Tell me the weapons I will be underusing.

JUDI DENCH

You'll be given a watch which can make glass explode, which is surprisingly not used to make the giant ice palace explode. You'll also get an invisible car, which you will drive only in visible mode.

PIERCE goes to ICELAND with his new INVISIBLE CAR and ROSAMUND PIKE. TOBY STEPHENS makes a SPEECH to BUSINESSPEOPLE or STOCKHOLDERS or SOME SHIT.

TOBY STEPHENS

Diamonds are rad! I used them to make a giant mirror for the sun, which I can use to heat any place I want. This wonderful device will allow people to have daylight 24 hours a day. Well, actually, the normal number of hours for daylight, and the rest of the time a weird orange-looking useless, intolerable light. I definitely will not use this for evil. Promise.

He uses it for EVIL, anyway. PIERCE stops him by driving AWAY as fast as he can.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Where the fuck do I think I'm going?

Ice explodes behind him and eventually he has to SURF to get away. More specifically, an UNTEXTURED COMPUTER MODEL has to SURF to get away. Then he rescues HALLE BERRY and is chased by RICK YUNE. PIERCE kills him by finally using his invisible car, and it's LAME.

HALLE BERRY

Wow, a car that can turn invisible. I bet that would be really handy if you hit someone and had to get away.

The camera shakes a lot, explosions occur needlessly. Eventually, TOBY puts on THE STUPIDEST FUCKING COSTUME IN THE WORLD just to make sure to look as ridiculous as possible.

TOBY STEPHENS

With my patented Asshole Suit, I can shoot lightning out of my fingers like Count Dooku!

PIERCE presses the SELF-DESTRUCT button and TOBY DIES. HALLE kills ROSAMUND by making her watch SWORDFISH. PIERCE and HALLE proceed to FUCK.

PIERCE BROSNAN

I guess this series will just have to die another day.

HALLE BERRY

You sure it hasn't? You surfed in this movie. Twice.

END

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