The Abridged Script
There is NO TRACKING WHITE DOT because the franchise has MOVED ON into a BOLD NEW ERA and is NOT RELYING ON THE SAME OLD TIRED GIMMICKS, NO REALLY. Instead we open with...
DANIEL CRAIG bursts in to find a LAPTOP and a FELLOW AGENT, both missing most of their GUTS.
Don't worry, unnamed non-speaking role, I'll help you!
Leave him, Daniel! We must demonstrate that I will sacrifice any agent for the mission, it's not like we're going to demonstrate it again far more emphatically in about five minutes.
DANIEL and spy sidekick NAOMIE HARRIS chase an EVIL GUY using EVERYTHING WITH WHEELS.
Damn, he's jumped onto a train carrying an assortment of vehicles and heavy machinery, thoughtfully arranged to facilitate a classic bit of Bondian mayhem!
DANIEL JUMPS into a BACKHOE on the TRAIN in FULL VIEW of the EVIL GUY and slowly ROTATES the cabin to face him, a display of tactical brilliance that results in DANIEL getting SHOT 300 TIMES!
Arrgh, all 300 bullets hit me in the right shoulder! What are the odds?!
DANIEL rips the ASS off the TRAIN with the BACKHOE'S SCOOP, then CLIMBS onto it and spends some time BALANCING HIMSELF.
Good thing the evil guy went to the other end of the train, otherwise he'd have all day to finish me off.
DANIEL LEAPS onto the TRAIN and ADJUSTS HIS SUIT and is FUCKING BALLS-AWESOME and instantly makes the movie TEN TIMES BETTER than QUANTUM OF SOLACE.
INT. MI6 HQ
(fiddling with controls)
Oh crap, somehow we've lost contact with Daniel but can still communicate totally fine with Naomie!
What's happening Naomie? Can you catch the train?
Why would I need to? No way will it just keep going with a gaping hole in the back, that would be idiotic. Why don't you have a swarm of military helicopters descend on our position when it stops? Then we can easily capture the evil guy.
I can't do that, the "swarm of helicopters" button only works if it's halfway through the movie!! Shoot wildly, that's a far better plan!
NAOMIE SHOOTS and hits DANIEL who plummets off a BRIDGE into a LAKE! And since her HIGH-POWERED SUPER ADVANCED SPY RIFLE has an awesome firing rate of ONE ROUND PER HOUR, the EVIL GUY ESCAPES! Meanwhile DANIEL SUBMERGES into...
INT. PSYCHADELIC OPENING CREDIT MONTAGE
We're back again...
Another mission will begin...
Storylines worn so thin...
Do these films have no end?
It's been fifty years
The audience still cheering
But even when we're jeering
We hold it all so dear...
'Cause we're spy fools,
Craving spy duels,
Clinging like ghouls
To a jewelled possession,
We're such spy fools
It's a firm rule,
Any ripe stool
Can fuel our obsession
We're spy fools...
INT. RALPH FIENNES'S OFFICE
Dammit Judi, I can't believe you let that evil guy steal a computer file holding the identities of every single spy on Earth. You KNOW that losing those files is Mission: Impossible's jurisdiction.
We should probably stop making those comprehensive files, when you think about it...
And since you fucked up, we're giving you two days until retirement.
Two days until retirement? Wouldn't it be easier to hang banners saying "HEY GUYS, JUDI DENCH GETS KILLED OFF IN THIS MOVIE"?
Fine. Two months, then.
EXT. RANDOM FARAWAY TROPICAL ISLAND
DANIEL CRAIG saunters about FUCKING and DRINKING everything that can be DRUNK or FUCKED, including something resembling a HEINEKEN causing various JAMES BOND PURISTS to have ANEURYSMS.
We interrupt whatever program is showing on the high-def flatscreen TV in your remote island bamboo tropical bar to announce that MI6 has blown up.
INT. JUDI DENCH'S HOUSE
JUDI DENCH arrives and finds DANIEL waiting for her.
So, you've come back to help.
Are we going to explain how you survived being shot multiple times, and then survived plunging off a bridge to certain death?
Not even a little bit.
INT. NEW MI6 HEADQUARTERS
Welcome to our new underground base, 007, I'll be your Agent-Coulson-esque expository guide. Anyway, we need you to re-certify you for active duty before we can get the plot moving again.
Will James Bond be stuck at a desk job for the next two hours? OH THE SUSPENSE!
DANIEL CRAIG proceeds to SUCK TOTAL ASS at a bunch of PHYSICAL TESTS.
Shit, and my aim has gone all to crap, too. Well I know it's all about setting up a big dramatic moment later on, so I'll suffer through it. Now off to...
Not so fast! To test your MENTAL readiness to truly be James Bond again, I'm going to do some word association with you. Ready? Here we go.
Not a good start...
Oh for God's sake, SKY...
FALL! FUCKING FALL!! SKY-FALL!!
That's not even a word.
INT. JUDI DENCH'S NEW OFFICE
DANIEL arrives with a plastic bag of METAL SHARDS.
I sensed that the bullet fragments inside my body were of an unusual composition, so I dug them out, by myself with an old spoon, as I'm sure we have no medical personnel. We should test them.
My God, you're right! Only one person on Earth uses bullets of this ridiculously rare metal. The evil guy you were chasing is in fact the notorious assassin, Evil Guy, whose memorable traits include absolutely nothing whatsoever!
So where's the wound from where Naomie shot you?
Er... hey, who are you?
I'm the new Q. That's right, we weren't going to be all gimmick crazy any more, but we've brought back the role of Q anyway. I mean it's always helpful to have some scenes that almost literally write themselves. Now do try to be careful, 007.
According to our sources, Evil Guy is on assignment in beautiful downtown Shanghai, with its staggering assortment of luxury hotels, fine dining, and world-class entertainment! Go get him, Daniel!
EXT. THE VIBRANT, BUSTLING YET INVITING TOWN OF SHANGHAI, IT'S WHERE THE PRESENT MEETS THE FUTURE WITH A NOD TO THE PAST! BOOK YOUR TICKETS TODAY!
DANIEL trails EVIL GUY to a place with ELEVATORS. EVIL GUY gets into one, and DANIEL impressively grabs onto the BOTTOM OF THE ELEVATOR which would be EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE if there weren't TWO OTHER PERFECTLY FINE USEABLE ELEVATORS. The ELEVATOR STOPS but by the time DANIEL manages to SWING OVER to another door and PRY IT OPEN, EVIL GUY is gone!
Damn, now I'll never find him unless for some reason all the walls on this level are made of glass... oh hey, whaddya know.
DANIEL finds EVIL GUY preparing to ASSASSINATE some DUDE looking at ART.
Hm, I could take out Evil Guy while he's all focussed on taking his shot, and save his intended target in the process. But on the other hand, the target is looking at some stupid painting instead of Berenice Marlohe, so fuck him.
Suddenly NEON LIGHTS PUKE ON EVERYTHING and ABSTRACT SHAPES start FUCKING EACH OTHER OR SOMETHING and at the end of it ART DUDE and EVIL GUY are DEAD.
(squinting across from other building)
If I have only one goal for the rest of my life it is to bone that mysterious shadowy figure.
DANIEL finds a NOVELTY POKER CHIP in EVIL GUY'S BRIEFCASE.
Ah of course, instead of his employer secretly wiring money to a secure account, like would be normal, he has to show up in person to redeem this novelty poker chip. That's certainly something anyone whose career depends on anonymity would agree to.
EXT. MACAU CASINO
DANIEL DISTRACTS everyone by sending a LIFE-SIZE CUTOUT of himself in a BOAT to the FRONT DOOR, while he sneaks in the BACK and trades the NOVELTY POKER CHIP for a SHINY BRIEFCASE OF MONEY.
Remember, I'm here too, in case you need help.
Excellent. Let me first destroy my earpiece so as to drastically reduce your ability to help.
Welcome to my casino. I see you've ordered a martini shaken, not stirred, so I guess THAT'S back again.
I need you to take me to Javier Bardem. We're almost halfway through this damn thing and we haven't even seen him yet.
What makes you think I'm in cahoots with Javier?
It's okay, I realize that you're actually his captive, and you've led a hopeless and miserable existence for years. If you help me, I promise not to waste all your character's backstory by tossing you aside faster than a spent tissue.
Very well then, I will. But you can't leave without fighting our bouncers, it's our version of a coat check system.
DANIEL fights the EVIL BOUNCERS in a DRAGON PIT, but uses his secret agent technique of THE DRAGONS NOT GIVING ONE SINGLE FUCK ABOUT HIM to ESCAPE!
Phew, that was close. Here Naomie, take the money and explain things to the remaining violent criminals while I abandon you. Yoink!
DANIEL and BERENICE get on her BOAT and go to JAVIER'S FORTRESS OF BEIGETUDE. Oh, and FUCK.
Time to get captured and brought before Javier. Don't worry though Berenice, I have an awesome plan that TOTALLY involves you being alive at the end.
INT. SHOWROOM FOR BED, BATH, AND BARDEM'S 2013 "ISLAND SAND" COLLECTION
DANIEL is tied to a CHAIR but this time CLOTHED so SORRY, LADIES.
Welcome, Mr. Bond. Allow me to explain myself, I am a shadowy reflection of you, nyah ha ha, I have evil computers that can do anything, ha ha, etcetera, oh my God this is so fucking stale.
What if we take the traditional homoerotic undercurrent and make it explicit? That'd be different.
I guess so. How far you wanna take it?
About as far as my previous line, so that's done. Let's go back to the standard routine where you threaten the girl.
HENCHMEN take DANIEL OUTSIDE where BERENICE is tied to a statue thing.
Oh thank goodness, you're alive. Now you can overpower everyone and save me, right?
Not quite. These goons are just sliiiiightly too well armed. Maybe if they had one fewer bullet I could take them.
One? That's all? But why would they have exactly one fewer...
...oh, you asshole.
JAVIER fires his GUN at BERENICE who presumably DIES but of course they can't actually SHOW us because we are poor delicate fainting wisps of creatures who of our own free will just paid MONEY to see A JAMES BOND MOVIE FOR CHRISSAKE I THINK WE WERE AWARE SOMEONE MIGHT GET HURT.
(defeats all bad guys)
Phew. It may look like I won without breaking a sweat, but trust me, if they'd had that one extra bullet, hoo boy!
The BRITISH ARMY arrive with ALL THE HELICOPTERS and everyone shares a HEROIC MOMENT OF TRIUMPH while trying not to look at the DEAD WOMAN they might have SAVED if they'd acted all of TEN SECONDS earlier.
INT. GOVERNMENT HEARING CHAMBER
JUDI DENCH is testifying at one of those MOVIE GOVERNMENT COMMISSIONS that exist solely to BUST MOVIE PROTAGONISTS' BALLS.
MEDDLESOME GOVERNMENT SHREW
So Judi, what are you doing about the Javier threat?
It's okay, we already got him. Crisis over!
MEDDLESOME GOVERNMENT SHREW
Wait, what? You captured the bad guy IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMNED MOVIE?
Yes, but the "helicopter swarm" button only works if...
MEDDLESOME GOVERNMENT SHREW
Are you some kind of fucking moron, that ALWAYS means it's only part of his master plan! Heath Ledger did it, that fucking Loki guy did it and that was earlier this goddamn year! How fucking dense are you?!?
Yeah well, Alfred Lord Tennyson, bitch.
BEN WISHAW prepares to HACK JAVIER'S LAPTOP.
Surely we have a dedicated, isolated computer specifically designed for such tasks?
No, silly, I'm plugging it directly into the mainframe that controls everything! Now let's open a bunch of these email attachments promising to enlarge my penis.
Oh fuck, Javier just escaped! All his intricate machinations are about to pay off! What devious maneuver has just been made possible by all this elaborate scheming!
JAVIER'S HUGE DIABOLICAL PLAN comes to FRUITION as he goes to the TOTALLY NON-SECRET, ADDRESS IS ON THEIR WEB SITE, ANYONE COULD GO THERE ANY TIME THEY WANT, GOVERNMENT BUILDING where JUDI DENCH is, overpowers ONE GUARD, and SHOOTS at her. However DANIEL creates some STEAM, rendering all of JAVIER'S SPY TRAINING utterly USELESS and he LEAVES.
EXT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING
Quick, Judi. Come with me in the Goldfinger Aston Martin!
Didn't we already do an affectionate nod to that car two movies ago?
We did. But now it's the actual Goldfinger car with ejector seats and machine guns and everything!
So are we bringing Goldfinger back into continuity now? Because that would open quite the can of worms, if the can were 200 miles wide, and the worms were Velociraptors.
Rather than answer that, let's really fire up the Bond theme song as we heroically RUN AWAY! I mean, STRATEGICALLY REGROUP! Either way it's definitely the best time for the rousing hero theme!
CUE: BOND THEME
So what's your plan?
Let's go to my family home. And I'll leave a trail of super subtle cryptic clues so that Javier can fiendishly deduce that we went to MY OWN HOUSE.
Huh, so "Skyfall" is the name of your family estate. That's random.
Yeah, it was coined as a fancy word for sunset, that moment when the bright blue sky gives way to darkest night. I guess instead of "sky fall" we could have gone with "dark night rises" but for some reason we didn't.
Oh be quiet, you rugged grim pointy-eared fighter/gadget hero returning from self-imposed isolation and a horrible injury in order to defeat a nemesis trained by the same secret organization as you who has his own private army and makes plans using underground tunnels.
DANIEL takes JUDI on a tour of the ESTATE.
And over here is my parents' grave, so everyone who keeps insisting James Bond is just a codename can officially GO FUCK THEMSELVES.
Er, hi. This role was supposed to be Connery's, but he told the producers to gargle walrus balls and so instead, it's me. Sorry.
That's okay, you can still help me regain my marksmanship prowess in a crucial, dramatic moment of...
(regains marksmanship prowess)
Why even bother? Surely you're going to lead Javier here, and then with his position pinpointed you're going to have a swarm of military helicopters swoop in and...
THAT ONLY WORKS HALFWAY THROUGH THE MOVIE GODDAMMIT. HONESTLY I KEEP TELLING YOU PEOPLE. BLOODY CHRIST.
All right then, we'll have to defend my house without outside help. I'll modify some lightbulbs to explode nails. Judi, you rig some floorboards to whack people in the face, and Albert, scatter these broken Christmas ornaments by the front door. That should do it.
(hears noises outside)
That's him coming now! OH NOOO!!
(mugs to camera, slaps hands to either side of face)
JAVIER arrives with a bunch of MERCENARIES who obligingly SET OFF all the traps but not before MORTALLY WOUNDING JUDI DENCH.
Oh dear, Judi is badly hurt. Must keep a cool head, though.
JAVIER DESTROYS the GOLDFINGER CAR!
ARRRGH YOU BLEW UP MY CAR, THAT DOES IT!
DANIEL RAGE QUITS the MANOR by willing some PROPANE TANKS into existence and then EXPLODING them! JUDI and ALBERT hide in a nearby CHAPEL while DANIEL has a BIG FINAL SHOWDOWN with a HENCHMAN WE'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
INT. ABANDONED CHAPEL
There you are Judi! Now to culminate my sketchily outlined revenge motivation, by giving you a chance to shoot a gun through both our heads! Because I am crazy, you see.
Hm, the fact that I'm fatally wounded and have only moments to live, combined with my firm belief in sacrificing agents to get the job done, would suggest that I should really just go for it. But then Daniel wouldn't get to be the big hero, so I won't. And oh look, he killed you while I was going on and on. Urk.
EXT. LONDON - LATER ON
I stand overlooking the city, as my coat billows dramatically. I am... BONDMAN!
And guess what, my REAL name was Robin, ALL ALONG!
I mean, Moneypenny. Oops.
Now we can continue this fresh new take on Bond that isn't shackled to all the overworn baggage of the earlier movies. Except for all the stuff we brought back in this movie. And added from other movies. Really I'm surprised we didn't move into Avengers Tower while we were at it.
Ha ha ha, a British-Avengers movie, how awful would THAT be.
I HEARD THAT.
...AND OH LOOK IT'S THE TRACKING WHITE DOT.
Alex W. just so happens to share the exact same genetic code as the patriarch of an alien interstellar corporation, which is invaluable for his daytime sewer maintenance job. He usually watches movies with his wife Barbara, the funniest person he knows and the source of many of his best jokes. If you're only reading this to find the Fourth Clue of Zabador, here it is: MAGNET