Casino Royale: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Dec 7th, 2006 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
DANIEL CRAIG joins forces with THE MOST INEPT SECRET AGENT EVER to follow SEBASTIEN FOUCAN. SEBASTIEN runs, requiring DANIEL to plow through a construction site, destroying everything in his path.
SEBASTIEN FOUCAN
(running)
You’ll never catch me, Daniel Craig!
DANIEL CRAIG
I’m supposed to be chasing you? I thought my mission was to prevent this building from being finished.
He shoots SEBASTIEN.
JUDI DENCH
I can’t believe you killed that guy. You’re unstable and unpredictable - hardly double-oh caliber! To bad I didn’t realize this before making you one.
DANIEL CRAIG
Wait, isn’t this supposed to be the “first” story in the series? Aren’t you 70? Am I expected to believe that your character lives to be 120 or something?
DANIEL traces a text message for SEBASTIEN to some country club. He watches security tapes to find out who sent it.
DANIEL CRAIG
Wow, lucky for me this guy’s phone and the country club security camera are synched up to the millisecond. Now I know Simon Abkarian is bad.
DANIEL fucks SIMON’S WIFE and beats him in POKER, exactly what any covert secret agent would do. He then follows him to a BODYWORLDS exhibit.
DANIEL CRAIG
A Bodyworlds show? Are we trying to have the silliest set piece in a Bond movie or something? Because I don’t think we can top “fucking space”.
SIMON ABKARIAN
How did you find me? I was so slightly careful!
DANIEL CRAIG
Er, you decided to send the text message in front of the only security camera in the club. You could have even turned around and thwarted me.
SIMON ABKARIAN
Blast! I knew I shouldn’t have put so much effort into typing the characters into my phone while I was actively driving a car, solely so that I could send it the exact moment I stepped out into the camera’s view!
They STRUGGLE and eventually DANIEL stabs the guy. Then he follows SIMON’S CONTACT to the airport and calls JUDI DENCH.
DANIEL CRAIG
Some guy is at the airport. I think he’s going to blow something up. Also, somehow we both managed to go through security screen in a matter of seconds without having to take our shoes off or show a boarding pass, despite being in America at a time that we needlessly pointed out was post-9/11.
JUDI DENCH
Makes sense. He plans on blowing up some new plane.
DANIEL CRAIG
I have to rescue a plane? Couldn’t there be a beautiful woman in it? I can’t have sex with a plane.
He rescues the PLANE. He is then arrested by POLICE, but then ISN’T.
EVA GREEN
Hello. I’m the hot girl for the movie. We need you to enter into a poker game. The villian, Mads Mikkelsen, is playing in it.
DANIEL CRAIG
Great. Let’s have an unrealistic psychological pissing contest and then get on with the rest of the damn movie.
They DO. Then they meet up with GIANCARLO GIANNI and DANIEL plays some POKER.
MADS MIKKELSEN
You’re no match for my mathematical genius, Daniel. Your chance of beating me on this hand is only 32.33, repeating of course.
DANIEL CRAIG
What’s with your eye?
MADS MIKKELSEN
Oh that? I bleed from my eye.
DANIEL CRAIG
Why? Is that going to end up being your tell or something?
MADS MIKKELSEN
Nope. It’s completely irrelevant to the story. It literally means absolutely nothing at all.
DANIEL CRAIG
Wow, what a total waste of everyone’s time.
DANIEL plays some more POKER.
GIANCARLO GIANNI
Alright so those are playing cards. You get a few, and then you try to have better ones than the other people at the table.
EVA GREEN
What the hell are you doing?
GIANCARLO GIANNI
I’m explaining what’s going on for the benefit of the audience members that don’t know how to play poker, who we have symbolically assumed are all female.
EVA GREEN
…
GIANCARLO GIANNI
Okay, now Daniel has to put some of those clay circles on the table, and if he has better cards he can get them all back plus some more.
More POKER is played.
AUDIENCE
This is the worst Celebrity Poker Showdown ever. Daniel Craig and Mads Mikkelsen? Where’s Ben Affleck?
DANIEL CRAIG
It all comes down to this final hand, eyebleeder. Everyone is all-in.
MADS MIKKELSEN
But I’m the chip lead. Even if I lose, I’m still in the game.
DANIEL CRAIG
QUIET! Show your cards dramatically.
All four players reveal a succession of statistically improbable hands, subverting the film’s attempt to paint poker as a game of skill rather than luck.
DANIEL CRAIG
Well, the movie is called Casino Royale, and I just won the poker game. I guess the movie is over after one last action scene.
MADS kidnaps EVA and a car chase ensues.
DANIEL CRAIG
Perfect. A big car chase climax and we’ve got a nice, taut little movie.
Suddenly the car chase ends abruptly. DANIEL gets TORTURED, then NOT TORTURED.
EVA GREEN
I love you inexplicably. We don’t actually need to have any chemistry to get away with this big character change, right?
DANIEL CRAIG
Let’s make up for the lack of chemistry by tacking on 30 minutes of trite, mushy garbage.
Their relationship ends VERY BADLY.
DANIEL CRAIG
Ha! This justifies my reprehensible womanizing later in the series!
JUDI DENCH
Now we just need to justify an invisible car driving through an ice castle.
END
Bit harsh, Rod…
I guess whether you liked the film depends on whether or not you bought the relationship between Bond and Vesper. I did, mainly because Eva Green and Daniel Craig are both good actors.
Besides, it was in the book.
As for Judi Dench as “M”… well, she’s too good at the part for her to be dropped at the franchise.
Are you always this petty about a few minor contrivances?
June 16th, 2007 at 9:35 amJeez, dude–do you know what kind of site this is? I can’t believe you are criticizing Rod’s “abridged” script because of “a few minor contrivances”!
He attacks all movies pretty much equally, and if you can’t deal with him bashing a movie you liked, don’t visit!
You can’t expect “literal” parodies based on whether something happened in a Bond book or in the film–the site is basically “Punk’d” for movies. Lighten up!
Besides which, there were more than “a few” contrivances in that b.s. movie…
June 16th, 2007 at 3:55 pm…………………..I think I hate posts like Lance’s. Please don’t ask me to explain why.
June 23rd, 2007 at 11:25 pmI love the 32.33 repeating comment…absolutly priceless. Google Leeroy Jenkins if you dont know yet…
June 24th, 2007 at 4:51 pmOK Lance, fine, you’ve made your point.
I actually loved Rod’s scripts for Independence Day, the Star Wars prequels and the first Back To The Future film, to name but a few. I also laugh at the way he mocks Spielberg (his multiple endings and his repeated stating of the obvious). And there are some good moments in his 300 script too (which I unfairly criticised a little while back).
Numerous contrivances come with all modern movies. You just have to be willing to buy them - like I did with Back To The Future and Minority Report, to name but a couple. And now Casino Royale. It all depends on how exciting/gripping/involving/interesting the film is.
It’s just I really felt when I left the cinema that I’d seen the best Bond in nearly 40 years. And I maintain that opinion.
Hence my criticism of his script.
PS Fill me in on those contrivances if you can…
June 27th, 2007 at 11:13 amSi;
First off, I appreciate the fact that you were willing to accept my defense of Rod and his site. You and I basically do agree on the fun aspects of a lot of his parodies(Star Wars, Spielberg’s endings etc.)
As for the contrivances I found within Casino Royale, I’m not going into it, out of respect for the fact this is someone else’s site, and valuable space for others shouldn’t be wasted between us going back-and-forth on how bad/good that movie was. We’d never reach a conclusion which would convince either of us of the “correctness” of each other’s argument.
You enjoyed Casino Royale as “the best Bond in nearly 40 years.” I HATED it, for various reasons, not the least of which is that for me, it didn’t FEEL like a Bond film–it was more along the lines of a Jason Bourne movie.
I’m not an absolute hater of Daniel Craig, but I wasn’t rooting for him as Bond. You obviously were. To finish off my thread, I have to say there’s been far too much animosity between the pro/anti-Craig camps, and I feel that it doesn’t matter whether you liked the actor or the movie which makes one a “true” Bond fan. A TRUE Bond fan is ANYONE who has become engaged enough with the character to willfully follow his adventures through the years–whether in book or film–and has a vested interest/desire in seeing more of his adventures in the years to come. In this case, you and I are both “true” fans. All I hope is that the next one is better(in my opinion).
Peace.
–Lance
June 27th, 2007 at 10:18 pmYeah, Lance. I think you hit it right on the nail with your most recent reply. I am indeed a real Bond fan.
It’s interesting, however, that you hated Casino Royale because it “felt more like a Bourne movie” - ironically, that was the very reason me and my friends liked it. Barring the shakycam overuse, I actually think The Bourne Supremacy’s one of the best spy thrillers of the decade.
But that’s for another discussion…
Thanks for replying
Si
PS I still enjoy Back To The Future and 300 in spite of the fact they can be easily made fun of.
July 3rd, 2007 at 9:55 amRob, I’ve gotta say, I think this “people leaving comments” thing is a pretty bad idea. You are funny, the reason for having an internet. People who leave comments on things are almost invariably morons. The reason we shouldn’t have an internet. Or human race.
July 5th, 2007 at 5:42 amYours misanthropically,
Steve
Isn’t he called Rod?
July 5th, 2007 at 1:48 pmgiving the general public a voice is never a good idea.
…american idol, anyone?
July 11th, 2007 at 1:20 pmGreat Scrip Rod! to the fellow poster Lance and Si, dudes stfu! Casino was an awesome movie, perhaps the best Bond movie after Sean Connery’s one, but that doesnt mean that there arent flaws, which, if u have the brains, can exploit in a satirical way…which is exactly what Mr. Hilton did here…..very aptly i might add!
July 12th, 2007 at 2:46 amWhat the hell? This doesn’t look like a flamewar to me! Hey, lance! Si just did your mom!
July 14th, 2007 at 1:18 pmyour review was BETTER than the movie, i though the movie was long and boring
July 16th, 2007 at 3:28 pmPretty clever, per usual, Rod. However, there is one thing i thought i’d mention: Casino Royale (2006), despite some shoddy marketing, is not meant to be the first Bond adventure. Casino Royale (1967) explains that when one James Bond dies, another takes his number and name.
July 17th, 2007 at 1:03 pmOf course, the ‘67 film was a very silly movie, far removed from any other Bond film, and even starred Woody Allen as the villain.
Actually, that’s not quite right either, lame dude. You are right in that the film is not a prequel. But “James Bond” is not a codename - don’t listen to anything the Woody Allen film says, it is not an official Bond movie.
Basically it is a reboot - in which the series starts fresh and discards all previous continuity. Like “Batman Begins” is to the previous Batman films. Of course, the fact that Judi Dench is in this film is likely to confuse some, but basically “Casino Royale” is the first in a new set of Bond films. Hope that has cleared it up for anyone confused.
July 18th, 2007 at 5:30 amand also, the PP7 as seen in the GoldenEye video game isn’t a real gun.
sheesh people, i’m a bond fan as much as the next guy, but these arguments are trite and pointless.
let’s argue over which bond babe is the hottest, despite the bad acting. my vote? Denise Richards. oh yeah.
July 19th, 2007 at 5:18 amHere are comments about the film in question, guys.
Firstly Rod you read my mind with the synchronised camera and phone. I’m glad I’m not a lone stickler.
Her are a few other things from the film I am pissed about.
If you’re chasing a guy and he climbs up a crane and you can clearly see that the only place he can go is onto another crane why not wait at the bottom of both cranes until he is finished his acrobatics demonstration and grab him.
August 8th, 2007 at 1:34 pmAnd
Anyone else notice length of the endless night where Bond wins a poker game, fucks the guys wife, gets a flight to Miami, gets a cab into the city to a BODYWORLDS exhibit (which is open all night for some reason), kills a guy, follows another guy back to the airport(why didn’t they swap bags in the airport?) then has a set piece fight on the runways around the airport - all while it is still dark. No more than 12 hours darkness in the tropics.
And
What was the would-be-plane-bombers plan anyway? Suicidally crash a fuel truck into the plane? Why bring a remote detonator one with a timer? Why didn’t Bond, when he saw the detonator not throw it away instead of what he does do (yes it was pretty damn cool but still)
And
Why did Eva Green drown herself?(need a story/character reason not a franchise preserving reason)
And
Any spy whose catchphrase consists of telling you his name is not a good spy.
Miami is many hours behind Europe, so the long night thing isn’t so bad.
August 24th, 2007 at 12:05 pmTo A loner
He doesn’t start in Europe. He starts in the Bahamas or some other Caribean island. Same time zone or maybe an hour either way. The point remains.
September 8th, 2007 at 1:15 pm[QUOTE]Are you [Rod] always this petty about a few minor contrivances?[/QUOTE]
Of course he is.
September 8th, 2007 at 4:36 pmHe chased that fucker all over that goddamn building.
Bond sure is back, he is.
October 30th, 2007 at 9:29 amTom:
Eva Green (or Vesper Lynd - “West Berlin” - divided loyalties - get it?) couldn’t keep on living a double life, loving two men and serving two employers. Especially now Bond knew about her dark side.
As for those who felt the love story was poorly developed (and on reflection, you’re probably right) - I think the problem with that lies not so much with the screenwriters and director, but Ian Fleming himself. (Likewise, it was him who came up with the Vesper Lynd name.)
My issues with the film lay more with length and shakycam overuse. Now the director is to blame for that…
November 10th, 2007 at 8:12 amSi
December 8th, 2007 at 11:18 amThanks for the reply.
I like how Bond flipped his sports car 37 times in the air before crashing at 100 MPH, then walked away without a scratch. Must have been part of his training.
April 15th, 2008 at 11:40 amI love reading the abridged scripts, even ones that mock movies I like a lot. If you can’t realize that even your favorites have problems, you’re being unrealistic. No movie is note perfect.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:24 pm