The Abridged Script
EXT. CZECH REPUBLIC
Brace yourself because this movie won't entertain you;
It will not sustain you;
It's very mundane, too;
You can't deny this sequel is trying to fool you;
This "reboot" will screw you;
Are you willing to lie?
Don't pretend this Bond's not the same;
You know it's laaaaaaaame!
DANIEL CRAIG joins forces with THE MOST INEPT SECRET AGENT EVER to follow SEBASTIEN FOUCAN. SEBASTIEN runs, requiring DANIEL to plow through a construction site, destroying everything in his path.
You'll never catch me, Daniel Craig!
I'm supposed to be chasing you? I thought my mission was to prevent this building from being finished.
He shoots SEBASTIEN.
I can't believe you killed that guy. You're unstable and unpredictable - hardly double-oh caliber! Too bad I didn't realize this before making you one.
Wait, isn't this supposed to be the "first" story in the series? Aren't you 70? Am I expected to believe that your character lives to be 120 or something?
DANIEL traces a text message for SEBASTIEN to some country club. He watches security tapes to find out who sent it.
Wow, lucky for me this guy's phone and the country club security camera are synched up to the millisecond. Now I know Simon Abkarian is bad.
DANIEL fucks SIMON'S WIFE and beats him in POKER, exactly what any covert secret agent would do. He then follows him to a BODYWORLDS exhibit.
A Bodyworlds show? Are we trying to have the silliest set piece in a Bond movie or something? Because I don't think we can top "fucking space".
How did you find me? I was so slightly careful!
Er, you decided to send the text message in front of the only security camera in the club. You could have even turned around and thwarted me.
Blast! I knew I shouldn't have put so much effort into typing the characters into my phone while I was actively driving a car, solely so that I could send it the exact moment I stepped out into the camera's view!
They STRUGGLE and eventually DANIEL stabs the guy. Then he follows SIMON'S CONTACT to the airport and calls JUDI DENCH.
Some guy is at the airport. I think he's going to blow something up. Also, somehow we both managed to go through the security screening in a matter of seconds without having to take our shoes off or show a boarding pass, despite being in America at a time that we needlessly pointed out was post-9/11.
Makes sense. He plans on blowing up some new plane.
I have to rescue a plane? Couldn't there be a beautiful woman in it? I can't have sex with a plane.
He rescues the PLANE. He is then arrested by POLICE, but then ISN'T.
Hello. I'm the hot girl for the movie. We need you to enter into a poker game. The villain, Mads Mikkelsen, is playing in it.
Great. Let's have an unrealistic psychological pissing contest and then get on with the rest of the damn movie.
They DO. Then they meet up with GIANCARLO GIANNI and DANIEL plays some POKER.
You're no match for my mathematical genius, Daniel. Your chance of beating me on this hand is only 32.33, repeating of course.
What's with your eye?
Oh that? I bleed from my eye.
Why? Is that going to end up being your tell or something?
Nope. It's completely irrelevant to the story. It literally means absolutely nothing at all.
Wow, what a total waste of everyone's time.
DANIEL plays some more POKER.
Alright so those are playing cards. You get a few, and then you try to have better ones than the other people at the table.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm explaining what's going on for the benefit of the audience members that don't know how to play poker, who we have symbolically assumed are all female.
Okay, now Daniel has to put some of those clay circles on the table, and if he has better cards he can get them all back plus some more.
More POKER is played.
This is the worst Celebrity Poker Showdown ever. Daniel Craig and Mads Mikkelsen? Where's Ben Affleck?
It all comes down to this final hand, eyebleeder. Everyone is all-in.
But I'm the chip lead. Even if I lose, I'm still in the game.
QUIET! Show your cards dramatically.
All four players reveal a succession of statistically improbable hands, subverting the film's attempt to paint poker as a game of skill rather than luck.
Well, the movie is called Casino Royale, and I just won the poker game. I guess the movie is over after one last action scene.
MADS kidnaps EVA and a car chase ensues.
Perfect. A big car chase climax and we've got a nice, taut little movie.
Suddenly the car chase ends abruptly. DANIEL gets TORTURED, then NOT TORTURED.
I love you inexplicably. We don't actually need to have any chemistry to get away with this big character change, right?
Let's make up for the lack of chemistry by tacking on 30 minutes of trite, mushy garbage.
Their relationship ends VERY BADLY.
Ha! This justifies my reprehensible womanizing later in the series!
Now we just need to justify an invisible car driving through an ice castle.