"It's my sand castle! Mine! Go away!"


"It's my sand castle! Mine! Go away!"

CASINO ROYALE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. CZECH REPUBLIC

CHRIS CORNELL

Brace yourself because this movie won't entertain you;

It will not sustain you;

It's very mundane, too;

You can't deny this sequel is trying to fool you;

This "reboot" will screw you;

Are you willing to lie?

Don't pretend this Bond's not the same;

You know it's laaaaaaaame!

DANIEL CRAIG joins forces with THE MOST INEPT SECRET AGENT EVER to follow SEBASTIEN FOUCAN. SEBASTIEN runs, requiring DANIEL to plow through a construction site, destroying everything in his path.

SEBASTIEN FOUCAN

(running)

You'll never catch me, Daniel Craig!

DANIEL CRAIG

I'm supposed to be chasing you? I thought my mission was to prevent this building from being finished.

He shoots SEBASTIEN.

JUDI DENCH

I can't believe you killed that guy. You're unstable and unpredictable - hardly double-oh caliber! Too bad I didn't realize this before making you one.

DANIEL CRAIG

Wait, isn't this supposed to be the "first" story in the series? Aren't you 70? Am I expected to believe that your character lives to be 120 or something?

DANIEL traces a text message for SEBASTIEN to some country club. He watches security tapes to find out who sent it.

DANIEL CRAIG

Wow, lucky for me this guy's phone and the country club security camera are synched up to the millisecond. Now I know Simon Abkarian is bad.

DANIEL fucks SIMON'S WIFE and beats him in POKER, exactly what any covert secret agent would do. He then follows him to a BODYWORLDS exhibit.

DANIEL CRAIG

A Bodyworlds show? Are we trying to have the silliest set piece in a Bond movie or something? Because I don't think we can top "fucking space".

SIMON ABKARIAN

How did you find me? I was so slightly careful!

DANIEL CRAIG

Er, you decided to send the text message in front of the only security camera in the club. You could have even turned around and thwarted me.

SIMON ABKARIAN

Blast! I knew I shouldn't have put so much effort into typing the characters into my phone while I was actively driving a car, solely so that I could send it the exact moment I stepped out into the camera's view!

They STRUGGLE and eventually DANIEL stabs the guy. Then he follows SIMON'S CONTACT to the airport and calls JUDI DENCH.

DANIEL CRAIG

Some guy is at the airport. I think he's going to blow something up. Also, somehow we both managed to go through the security screening in a matter of seconds without having to take our shoes off or show a boarding pass, despite being in America at a time that we needlessly pointed out was post-9/11.

JUDI DENCH

Makes sense. He plans on blowing up some new plane.

DANIEL CRAIG

I have to rescue a plane? Couldn't there be a beautiful woman in it? I can't have sex with a plane.

He rescues the PLANE. He is then arrested by POLICE, but then ISN'T.

EVA GREEN

Hello. I'm the hot girl for the movie. We need you to enter into a poker game. The villain, Mads Mikkelsen, is playing in it.

DANIEL CRAIG

Great. Let's have an unrealistic psychological pissing contest and then get on with the rest of the damn movie.

They DO. Then they meet up with GIANCARLO GIANNI and DANIEL plays some POKER.

MADS MIKKELSEN

You're no match for my mathematical genius, Daniel. Your chance of beating me on this hand is only 32.33, repeating of course.

DANIEL CRAIG

What's with your eye?

MADS MIKKELSEN

Oh that? I bleed from my eye.

DANIEL CRAIG

Why? Is that going to end up being your tell or something?

MADS MIKKELSEN

Nope. It's completely irrelevant to the story. It literally means absolutely nothing at all.

DANIEL CRAIG

Wow, what a total waste of everyone's time.

DANIEL plays some more POKER.

GIANCARLO GIANNI

Alright so those are playing cards. You get a few, and then you try to have better ones than the other people at the table.

EVA GREEN

What the hell are you doing?

GIANCARLO GIANNI

I'm explaining what's going on for the benefit of the audience members that don't know how to play poker, who we have symbolically assumed are all female.

EVA GREEN

...

GIANCARLO GIANNI

Okay, now Daniel has to put some of those clay circles on the table, and if he has better cards he can get them all back plus some more.

More POKER is played.

AUDIENCE

This is the worst Celebrity Poker Showdown ever. Daniel Craig and Mads Mikkelsen? Where's Ben Affleck?

DANIEL CRAIG

It all comes down to this final hand, eyebleeder. Everyone is all-in.

MADS MIKKELSEN

But I'm the chip lead. Even if I lose, I'm still in the game.

DANIEL CRAIG

QUIET! Show your cards dramatically.

All four players reveal a succession of statistically improbable hands, subverting the film's attempt to paint poker as a game of skill rather than luck.

DANIEL CRAIG

Well, the movie is called Casino Royale, and I just won the poker game. I guess the movie is over after one last action scene.

MADS kidnaps EVA and a car chase ensues.

DANIEL CRAIG

Perfect. A big car chase climax and we've got a nice, taut little movie.

Suddenly the car chase ends abruptly. DANIEL gets TORTURED, then NOT TORTURED.

EVA GREEN

I love you inexplicably. We don't actually need to have any chemistry to get away with this big character change, right?

DANIEL CRAIG

Let's make up for the lack of chemistry by tacking on 30 minutes of trite, mushy garbage.

Their relationship ends VERY BADLY.

DANIEL CRAIG

Ha! This justifies my reprehensible womanizing later in the series!

JUDI DENCH

Now we just need to justify an invisible car driving through an ice castle.

END

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