No, Director Hamilton. Our actors do not have the attention span of cats.


No, Director Hamilton. Our actors do not have the attention span of cats.

GOLDFINGER

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

We OPEN with the classic "gun barrel" sequence, which totally looks like a gun barrel, and definitely does NOT look like we're looking through a PAPER TOWEL ROLL.

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN LATIN AMERICA

SEAN CONNERY blows up a HEROIN LAB with a bunch of C4.

SEAN CONNERY

Yes, well I had to do something bad-ass. After all, this is my third stint as the suave and debonair James Bond, and I began this movie by wearing a fucking dead bird on my head.

DANCER LADY

Oh Bond, I still find you attractive, even if you are some weird ornithologist. Shall we get on with this pre-title scene that has nothing to do with the rest of the plot but somehow found its way to become a staple in the Bond movie formula?

SEAN CONNERY

Of course! And also, we've got to do all of this while simultaneously helping Mike Myers obtain enough material to make two great movie spoofs and a shitty third one.

As the two of them MAKE OUT, some DRUG GOON comes up from behind him. He uses DANCER LADY as a HUMAN SHIELD then electrocutes the GOON in the bathtub!

DANCER LADY

Dammit! You never would have found out about my betrayal if my eyeballs weren't made out of goddamned MIRRORS!

SEAN CONNERY

Yes. In hindsight, you should have reflected on that decision.

We cut to the TITLE SEQUENCE, where GOLD, SPARKLY WOMEN project images of actual scenes from the movie we haven't watched yet!

SEAN CONNERY

Jeez, you girls are like predecessors to those assholes who spoil last night's Walking Dead episode on Facebook.

SHIRLEY BASSEY

(singing)

Goldfingaaahhhh

It's the film,

The film with balls of gold

But brains of mold!

Such an old clinger!

Parts of it,

You may think are quite unfit,

Or just bullshit!

EXT. MIAMI

SEAN's new assignment is to keep an eye on FORMER TORONTO MAYOR ROB FORD GERT FRÖBE a.k.a. COKEFINGER GOLDFINGER. So naturally, the first thing he does is humiliate GERT by foiling his poker-cheating scheme, then he steals his girlfriend, SHIRLEY EATON.

SEAN CONNERY

Oh yeah, and if I happen to insinuate that you're Gert's prostitute, please don't mind that. That's just my hilariously shameless 1960's sexism!

SHIRLEY EATON

Oh, I know. Earlier I saw you slap a woman's ass and tell her she wasn't allowed to be in on your "man talk." It was so ridiculous that it was actually kind of funny.

They BANG. But afterwards, SEAN gets knocked out by a SHADOWY FIGURE. He awakens a few hours later to find that SHIRLEY is DEAD and covered in gold paint!

SEAN CONNERY

Oh no! Someone with the skills of a professional makeup artist must have come in and perfectly applied gold paint all over Shirley's body! That's so ODD! And they did a great JOB of not even get any paint on the sheets! What sort of person would do such a random task?

INT. MI6

SEAN talks to BERNARD LEE back at headquarters.

SEAN CONNERY

Well M, it's official. She died of skin suffocation. You know, because of all the body paint.

BERNARD LEE

That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. Who breathes through their skin? What is she, a frog? Wouldn't it make more sense to say that someone killed her and then painted her gold to leave their mark or something?

SEAN CONNERY

Apparently not. But don't worry, I think I know who did this.

BERNARD LEE

Um, yeah, it's painfully obvious who did this. But hey, go ahead and follow him around Europe if you still need more proof.

DESMOND LLEWELYN

And hey, you're going to need some cool new spy shit for this mission! Check out this souped up Aston Martin! It's got a smokescreen, a passenger ejector seat, and other gadgets that will help you in your upcoming chase scenes. It also comes with a revolving license plate, with plates valid in all countries. And by all countries, I mean three.

SEAN CONNERY

Nice job, Q. Ah, the old 1964 Aston Martin. If we listen carefully, we can just about hear Bond movie fanatics nerd-jizzing their pants right now.

EXT. GENEVA

SEAN tracks GERT to Switzerland. After a TOTALLY ROUSING game of GOLF, and a poor attempt to woo SHIRLEY'S SISTER, he gets caught by GERT and STRAPPED to a table, DICK SIDE UP.

GERT FRÖBE

Hello 007. I see you've met Harold Sakata, a.k.a Oddjob. He has a deadly, metal brimmed hat that can decapitate marble statues, but somehow when he killed Shirley's sister, it did not decapitate her, or leave any other sign of injury for that matter.

SEAN CONNERY

Huh, if you think about it, her character was kind of pointless wasn't she?

GERT FRÖBE

Allow me to demonstrate my new ridiculously slow moving laser gun. I could just point it at your heart and kill you instantly, but classic movie villainy tells me that I should kill you from the crotch up instead!

SEAN CONNERY

By God! It's every man's worst nightmare played out on screen! A poorly dubbed German man castrating you with lasers!

(then...)

Do you expect me to talk?

GERT FRÖBE

Before losing your golden parts? No, Mr. Connery, I expect you to cry!

SEAN CONNERY

You'll regret this, Gert! Not only do I know the details of your evil scheme, but if you kill me, horrible actors like David Niven and George Lazeby will take 007's place!

GERT FRÖBE

Drat. You're right. It's better to keep you alive. I guess this plan was kind of nuts.

GERT shoots SEAN with a tranquilizer gun and he wakes up on a plane with the pilot, HONOR BLACKMAN.

HONOR BLACKMAN

Yes, it is I. The most beloved of all Bond villainesses. My name is Pussy Galore.

SEAN CONNERY

Come again?

HONOR BLACKMAN

Pussy Galore.

SEAN CONNERY

I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it. It sounds like your name is a lot of um.... never mind.

(pause)

Seriously, was this considered subtle back in the sixties? Or was it as glaringly obvious as it is today?

HONOR BLACKMAN

Look at it this way. We can say "pussy" all we want and it's not inappropriate because it's my name.

(pause)

Pussy.

INT. KENTUCKY - OUTRAGEOUS EXPOSITION SET PIECE ROOM

Once landed, GERT describes his plan to infiltrate FORT KNOX to his band of SMUGGLERS.

GERT FRÖBE

I plan to set off a bomb and contaminate the fort's gold depository with radioactive material. This will render all of the U.S. gold useless, thereby increasing the value of my own gold! Allow me to demonstrate my plan on this model that comes up out of the floor boards, just in case this giant map I showed you two seconds ago wasn't clear enough.

SMUGGLER

Well it's a great plan, assuming of course that America keeps all of its gold supply in one place. Are we going after the Federal Reserve Bank of New York too?

GERT FRÖBE

Silence! We will knock out the military personnel surrounding Fort Knox by using Delta 9, an odorless gas. It will be administered by Honor's Pointy-Boobed Flight Squadron.

SMUGGLER

And why the hell should we trust you? Aren't you the same asshole who smuggled in his own gold by smelting it to the OUTSIDE of his car? Wouldn't your gold have lost value if you had gotten in an accident? Or if it was covered in bird shit?

GERT FRÖBE

You know what? I've changed my mind. Fuck all of you. I'm just gonna kill you instead. Suck my Delta 9!

GERT sprays the SMUGGLERS and they all die in HILARIOUSLY DRAMATIC WAYS.

Meanwhile...

SEAN CONNERY

I must have you, Pussy. Come with me to this barn here, Pussy. We can judo-kick each others ass for a while and then have a non-consensual-looking make out session in the hay. Pussy.

HONOR BLACKMAN

Wait a minute, Gert locked you up twice, but now he's just letting you roam around free? Especially when he's fully aware that you're a Double Oh and you know all the details of his evil scheme?

SEAN CONNERY

Oh, that's nothing. He's even taking me along on said scheme! What a nice guy. Anyway, forget all that. Where were we on that barn-making-out thing?

HONOR BLACKMAN

And what about the fact that I hinted that I was a lesbian when we first met?

SEAN CONNERY

Oh please. Homosexuality was too risque of a subject to put in movies in the '60s. So why don't you just go ahead and give up that namesake of yours, eh?

HONOR BLACKMAN

Curse you and your magical, sexuality changing dick!

EXT. FORT KNOX - THE NEXT DAY

PUSSY'S PILOTS administer the Delta 9 and COSBY all of the military personnel. Then GERT and his henchman raid the fort.

GERT FROBE

And now, Mr. Bond, I will handcuff you to the bomb itself, hoping that one of your many secret agent skills doesn't include bomb deactivation!

SEAN CONNERY

Most conveniently for you, it doesn't.

Then, the MILITARY PERSONNEL regain consciousness and SHOOT THE SHIT out of GERT'S henchmen!

HONOR BLACKMAN

Exactly! It seems that when Sean seduced me, he also convinced me to replace the Delta 9 with air freshener or something.

ARMY AND CIA

Yeah, and we were all in on this plan too! This unbelievably convoluted plan of faking unconsciousness so we could catch Gert in the middle of his scheme, allowing him time to set off a nuclear weapon while putting the lives of our soldiers at risk!

GERT FRÖBE

And the best part is I'm able to trick some of you into thinking I'm an American army general because none of you even know what I look like! Hooray for mid-century screenwriting!

GERT, being the huge PUSSY that he is, escapes in HONOR'S helicopter. Meanwhile, SEAN faces off with HAROLD.

SEAN CONNERY

Damn, Sakata. You're one menacing motherfucker. I don't know WATT I was thinking. You've been able to SOCKET to me this whole time. I think it's time to PULL THE PLUG on this duel. Are these electrocution puns doing it for you? If not, you may need some... ENLIGHTENING!

SEAN uses a LIVE WIRE and the METAL HAT to turn HAROLD into some extra crispy KENTUCKY FRIED HENCHMAN.

SEAN CONNERY

Now that he's taken care of, I'm going to just stare at this bomb like an idiot until Cec Linder and some random CIA guys come in and deactivate it at the last second!

CEC LINDER

Great work, 007. You've foiled Gert's plan. Because of this, the President would like to thank you personally. And everyone else who helped out gets nothing because SCREW THEM IT'S NOT THEIR MOVIE.

INT. AIRPLANE

SEAN sits on a private plane, then finds out it was hijacked by HONOR and GERT!

GERT FRÖBE

Surprise, Mr. Bond! Now that I've got you trapped here, it would be the perfect chance to shoot you and end this once and for all. But, as I have shown time and time again, I just can't stand to see someone die without revealing all the details of my evil scheme first!

SEAN CONNERY

Aww, see, now I'm not worried at all. I love these little chit chats! They always allow me time to think of a way to distract you and/or take advantage of your stupidity!

GERT FRÖBE

Not this time, Connery! I don't care what lucrative career you may go on to have, or how many pop culture references you may inspire, you die today!

SEAN CONNERY

Nope, sorry, still not worried. You see, in situations like these, normally I would give a fuck, but I've already given it to your mother last night! HAH!

They FIGHT and the gun GOES OFF, blowing out a WINDOW and DEPRESSURIZING the plane. And somehow the portly GERT gets INHALED through one of those TINY, LITTLE AIRPLANE WINDOWS.

SEAN CONNERY

Well, that sure sucked.

EXT. SOMEWHERE TROPICAL

SEAN and HONOR PARACHUTE out of the plane to safety.

SEAN CONNERY

Well, Pussy, now that Gert's dead and we're safe, can we can have a make-out session that looks consensual this time?

HONOR BLACKMAN

Sure. But I still don't get it. This movie is filled with drawn out scenes, over the top villains, and plot lines that defy all logic. Why do people continue to think this is one of the best Bond films?

SEAN CONNERY

Ah, logic schmogic. Bond flicks aren't about logic. They're about using cool gadgets, banging hot chicks, and driving awesome cars okay? The tone is set! And we will continue to make these movies until one day they become so goofy and over the top that we hire the guy from Layer Cake to try and reboot them into a grittier, realistic version.

(pause)

PUSSY.

END.

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