"Here's the latest rewrites. You're now three traveling luchadors in search of the true meaning of Christmas."


"Here's the latest rewrites. You're now three traveling luchadors in search of the true meaning of Christmas."

JUSTICE LEAGUE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

We begin with an old IPHONE VIDEO of SUPER-CAVILL taken by some kid named BILLY.

SUPER-CAVILL

Billy? As in, Billy Batson?

(thinks)

Huh, possible stealth intro of a classic DC character at the start of the movie OH SHIT END THE SCENE, CUT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW BEFORE HE GETS KNIFED BY DRUG PEDOS

EXT. SUPER DEPRESSED CITY OF METROPOGOTHAM

Various NEWSPAPERS have headlines about SUPER-CAVILL being DEAD, SO VERY VERY DEAD. GIANT HUGE BANNERS (which were a FUCKING WINDFALL for some lucky printing company) commemorate the hero who is SO UTTERLY, COMPLETELY DEAD that he gets SECOND BILLING and the FIRST SCENE of the movie.

On a dark murky rooftop, uncredited robber HOLT MCCALLANY is confronted by... THE BATFLECK!

THE BATFLECK

(autotuned)

STOP RIGHT THERE MCCALLANY, YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT MINDHUNTER SHIT! I WATCHED THE WHOLE THING AND YOU FUCKERS JUST TALKED YOU DON'T EVEN MURDER ANYONE

MCCALLANY opens murky fire but BATFLECK darkly ensnares him and DANGLES him off the edge of the roof, GRIMLY!

HOLT MCCALLANY

Aw man don't use my name too much! I'm uncredited for a reason, I don't want people to know...

HOLT'S FEAR of becoming an established DCU CHARACTER draws an ALIEN PARADEMON!! BATFLECK traps it but rather than be captured it BLOWS ITSELF UP!

THE BATFLECK

So when the aliens explode, their bloodgoop makes a picture of three cubes? That's like if the dead priest at the start of Da Vinci Code bled out a perfect recreation of the Mona Lisa. What the fuck.

(dramatically)

I... must go!

HOLT MCCALLANY

What about me robbing that place and trying to kill you? You still care about that?

THE BATFLECK

CLEARLY I DO NOT

(fucks off)

Over the credits a MONTAGE establishes how the ENTIRE WORLD TOTALLY FUCKING SUCKS since SUPER-CAVILL got himself killed. BIRTHDAY BALLOONS refuse to INFLATE and PUPPIES are strung out on METH. Also some SERIOUS ISSUES are raised as NEO-NAZIS beat up innocent ethnic shopkeepers in SLOW MOTION and then those issues are COMPLETELY FUCKING DROPPED.

INT. ENGLAND - THE OLD BAILEY COURTHOUSE

BADDIE

I'm gonna blow up this courthouse and shoot all those people because bwah ha ha evil, who will dare stop me zzzzz

But WONDER GADOT bursts through the DOOR by just SLIDING FORWARD REAL FAST like a giant TABLE HOCKEY FIGURINE!

WONDER GADOT

And now I'm gonna... outrace bullets from a machine gun? Zip all over the room inside of two seconds? I have super speed now?!? That's not usually one of my powers...

(loses super speed)

Shit, shouldn't have said anything.

EXT. OCEANSIDE VILLAGE - ICELAND

BEN AFFLECK walks over CLIFFS towards the ICELANDIC VILLAGE which is on the OCEAN and is accessible by BOAT, but where would multi-billionaire BATFLECK get his hands on a BOAT amirite.

Oh and despite having NO BEARD last scene he now has TONS OF BEARD implying he has been HIKING ALL OVER THE GODDAMN MOUNTAINS FOR WEEKS instead of just using a fucking BOAT. He ENTERS the town and finds JASON MOMOA.

JASON MOMOA

My man! Or, my BAT-man! Now that's what I'M talkin' 'bout! Everyone hear me call this guy Batman?

BEN AFFLECK

Wow, we're actually bringing in the suckiest Super Friend... Can I make a suggestion? Have you tried adding "the" to your super-name, it really helped shift Batman from schlocky camp to grimdark pretentiousness. Let's try it... "The Aquaman". Huh? Huh?

JASON MOMOA

(snorts)

Yo homes, smell ya later!

(dives into ocean)

INT. APARTMENT

STAR LABS scientist JOE MORTON returns home to find CYBORG RAY FISHER brooding.

JOE MORTON

Ray, are you still moping about becoming half-machine? You'd be dead otherwise! I know you have weird robot junk where your junk used to be but-

ROBO-FISHER

Listen Dad, I'm not the man I was, whoever that was! The person I used to be, that we never met, is no more! We have to accept the loss of the character we never learned the first thing about!!

JOE MORTON

There must be SOME upside though?

ROBO-FISHER

Well I do spontaneously acquire new powers now and then, so I guess anytime the writers need a quick out they can always be "hey Cyborg got a new power!"

INT. JAIL

EZRA MILLER goes to visit his uncredited jailed Dad BILLY CRU-

BILLY CRUDUP

Woah, woah, what part of "uncredited" don't you get? Move along pal!

INT. THEMYSCIRA - MOTHERBOX HOLDING ROOM

A MOTHERBOX sits being guarded by dozens of AMAZONS, whose big takeaway from being gunned down by WWI SOLDIERS was apparently to wear LESS ARMOUR.

AMAZON

How long have I been standing here with my bow fully drawn back? Hours? Days?

But suddenly the MOTHERBOX gets all FLASHY and a BIG TUBE OF LIGHT announces the arrival of CGIARAN HINDS!

CGIARAN HINDS

BWAH HA HA IT IS I STEPPENWOLF! I was born when lightning struck a box of 1990s indie comics! BLARGH GRAAGH ROAAR FRAAARGH

CGIARAN begins FRAGGING EVERYONE so AMAZON QUEEN CONNIE NEILSEN grabs the MOTHERBOX!

CONNIE NIELSEN

My honour guard and I have prepared for this! Let us now fight CGIaran one at a time while running away, instead of defending as a unified front!

Sadly the AMAZON'S plan goes predictably TIT-UP, and CGIARAN grabs the BOX and teleports away! CONNIE grimly notches a FLAMING ARROW and shoots it roughly EIGHTY THOUSAND MILES to where a special bonfire temple is, to warn GAL GADOT.

CONNIE NIELSEN

Fuck, with that kind of bow strength I could have just blown that asshat's face out the back of his skull.

INT. THE BENCAVE

Meanwhile BEN has changed into an EXPENSIVE BUSINESS SUIT to continue his desperate race against time to save humanity.

BEN AFFLECK

Gosh, I'm so worried about this alien invasion.

JEREMY IRONS

Forgive my saying so, sir, but perhaps if you got FUCKING LAID once in a while you wouldn't be such a whiny bitch, ever think of that?

BEN AFFLECK

What the hell dude!

JEREMY IRONS

I'm your devoted butler, Ben, which means all I care about is fetching your Bat-murdertech and pestering you about getting your goddamn rocks off once in a while. Please, I'm begging you, fuck something.

Just then GAL GADOT'S ASS arrives, and oh hey the rest of GAL GADOT came along too.

GAL GADOT

Funny, I don't remember my solo movie having these gratuitous ass shots. I wonder why. Such a mystery. C'mon Ben, let's go for a walk.

EXT. WATERSIDE PARK

GAL reaches into her EXPOSITION BAG and scatters some BACKSTORY CRUMBS to the hungry audience.

GAL GADOT

Ages ago, Mankind, the Amazons, The Green Lantern Corps, and the Atlanteans all teamed up to defeat CGIaran Hinds. He left behind three motherboxes, which combine into a big evil great-grandmother box. The Amazons and Atlanteans put their boxes in mighty fortresses surrounded by guards, and Mankind stuck theirs in a hole.

BEN AFFLECK

Why didn't the Lantern Corps take a box? Couldn't they guard it better than primitive humans with no technology?

GAL GADOT

Because we are taking a DEEEEP FUCKING BREATH before making a serious attempt to bring Green fucking Lantern back, is why.

BEN AFFLECK

But why are they activating now?

GAL GADOT

Clearly they know Super-Cavill is dead, leaving Earth defenceless. Of course they had thousands of years to strike before Super-Cavill even existed. And for that matter, before Flash, Cyborg, Batman, or even I existed. Or guns, or nukes, or chemical weapons, or

BEN AFFLECK

PLUS we all saw that Ray's motherbox thing activated BEFORE Super-Cavill died. And hey, since you know all this history about the motherboxes, why didn't that alert YOU that Hinds was coming back? How the hell did it become MY job to recognize this imminent threat and organize a team?

GAL GADOT

I figured that otherwise you'd have nothing to do and you'd just sulk.

BEN AFFLECK

(thinks)

Yes I would. Good call.

INT. EZRA MILLER'S PAD

EZRA comes home to find AFFLECK waiting for him!

BEN AFFLECK

Hi Ezra. Have you heard the good news about THROWING THIS BAT-SHURIKEN AT YOUUU

EZRA MILLER

(super-speeds)

Wow, you're the Batfleck! I know your secret identity and could paste it all over town before you could even blink! Why didn't you approach me in costume in case I was a huge jerk and didn't immediately idolize you?

BEN AFFLECK

Look, I'm rich but I'm not MADE of eyeblack.

(scans Ezra's costume with his Bat-microscopic-vision)

Hm, your suit uses the same heat-shielding material the Space Shuttle did. I guess the partial mask means half your face melts whenever you use super-speed?

EZRA MILLLER

Of course I just used my superspeed without the suit altogether. You mentioning that heat-shield shit just created a whole world of fucking inconsistencies, asshole.

BEN AFFLECK

Whatever, let's take this whole Robert Downey - Tom Holland routine back to my place. I hope you're up for making lampshady wisecracks about, like, everything that happens? To the point of being really annoying, and then well beyond that point?

EZRA MILLER

No problemo! I'll gladly zoom right past that, ah, Flashpoint!

BEN AFFLECK

Don't give them ideas.

EXT. CITY STREET

GAL GADOT struts about until RAY FISHER arrives, sullen and hoodied.

GAL GADOT

Hi Ray. Listen. You've been hiding too long.

ROBO-FISHER

But I hide from my true nature.

GAL GADOT

I understand. I too used to hide. But then? I stopped hiding.

ROBO-FISHER

I'm not ready to quit hiding though.

GAL GADOT

There comes a time when you can no longer hide.

ROBO-FISHER

Okay I'm done with this Robert Louis Stevenson sings Minnie the Moocher shit. And while you sort out that clusterfuck of obscure references I'm gonna go back in hiding so bye.

EXT. ATLANTIS

Meanwhile CGIARAN HINDS is attacking ATLANTIS, which has the WATER QUALITY of a NEGLECTED PUBLIC SWIMMING POOL!

CGIARAN HINDS

(underwater)

Bbblbb bllbb bblb! Bbllb blb, bbllbbb bllrbbb brrllb!

AMBER HEARD

(underwater)

Bbbbrlllb bllrbrbbb bllrbrbb!! Bllbbb brllbbb!

JASON MOMOA

(arriving)

Bblb'b bblb BL'B blbblbb blbllb!!

CGIARAN OUTPUNCHES them and steals the MOTHERBOX! AMBER makes an air-bubble so words can happen.

AMBER HEARD

Quick Jason, before you go, let's quickly try to explain your entire Atlantean backstory in a few awkward lines of dialogue.

JASON MOMOA

Aw, HELL no!!

(fucks off)

EXT. METROPOGOTHAM - POLICE STATION ROOF

Police Commissioner J.K. SIMMONS has activated the BATFLECK-SIGNAL.

THE BATFLECK

(using Daft Punk vocoder)

Good evening Commissioner. Meet Flash and Wonder Woman.

ROBO-FISHER

(arriving)

And Cyborg!

J.K. SIMMONS

Gosh, remember when we spent a whole movie worrying how the world would react to ONE superhero?

WONDER GADOT

(smiles)

Well well. Look who came out of hiding.

ROBO-FISHER

(smiles)

Someone who knows about hiding told me not to hide anymore.

J.K. SIMMONS

Aaaaanyway, I summoned you because people are being kidnapped. We tried triangulating the crime scenes but the lines don't meet.

THE BATFLECK

Not on LAND... but they DO meet in the HARBOUR... where there are TUNNELS underneath! CHALK UP ANOTHER MOMENT OF BEING TOTES CRUCIAL TO THE TEAM

J.K. SIMMONS

Oh yeah. We should have realized, being the fucking cops and all. Knowing our own goddamn city, what's that?!? Good thing I spent all that time getting jacked at the gym, now I can PROPERLY go fuck myself.

INT. UNDERNEATH METROPOGOTHAM HARBOUR

CGIARAN HINDS and his PARADEMONS menace his hostages.

CGIARAN HINDS

We know you've all been recently close to the final motherbox. And if you, janitor from STAR Labs, won't say where it is, perhaps Joe Morton, head scientist of STAR Labs, will! And if YOU don't talk we'll just keep kidnapping people from STAR Labs until SOMEBODY reveals the completely unguessable location of the final motherbox!!!

But it's the JUSTICE LEAGUE (EARLY ACCESS VERSION) to the rescue!! HEROES and VILLAINS get CLICKED-AND-DRAGGED all over the goddamn place!!

THE BATFLECK

(getting stomped)

Ack! Jeremy, send in my big huge tanklike thing!

JEREMY IRONS

Glad you said so, sir. Otherwise I'd have just sat back and watched you get your ass killed, I guess.

WONDER GADOT drops her SWORD but WHIZRA MILLER gives it a gentle POKE while running at 50,000 MPH which should make it FLY WILDLY OUT OF CONTROL but it DOES NOT.

CGIARAN HINDS

BAH YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME!! I SHALL CRUSH YOU WITH, OH I DUNNO, HOW ABOUT A HUGE WALL OF WATER!!

WONDER GADOT

Oh shit! A huge wall of water is what almost killed the X-Men in X2, despite all their methods of potentially dealing with it!

WHIZRA MILLER

Like me super-speeding everyone to safety? Ray blocking the water with Ben's tank? Using your bracelet-force-blast to buy us time? That kind of thing?

AQUA-MOMOA

(swimming in)

NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT!

MOMOA saves everyone but CGIARAN is gone!

INT. THE BENCAVE

The JUST US, SORRY, NO SUPER-CAVILL LEAGUE regroup in the BENCAVE.

ROBO-FISHER

I've retrieved the final motherbox from STAR Labs. Now what?

BEN AFFLECK

Regarding Henry, given his alien physiology I think using the motherbox on the Kryptonian ship will bring him back to life!

GAL GADOT

How the FUCK do you know that? Why would you even think resurrecting Super-Cavill is possible?!? Besides, isn't Ezra the scientist, and isn't Ray the one who senses what the motherbox can do?

BEN AFFLECK

I'm fucking Batman so I can use anyone's power! Let's just get on with this crushingly inevitable plot point...

JEREMY IRONS

Pardon me, might I inquire first HAS BEN FUCKED ANYBODY YET? HELLO? BEN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CAN YOU PLEASE, PLEEEASE BOINK SOMEONE

BEN AFFLECK

(smacks Jeremy)

Right, here's the plan. Ray and Ezra will dig up Henry's corpse while Gal and Jason use their super-strength to point and laugh at them. Then we'll steal uniforms and use Ray's cyber-powers to sneak the body past security instead of simply having Ezra run it past them at super-speed. Then we'll all just be in the ship because fuck it why not.

This HAPPENS.

INT. KRYPTONIAN SHIP

JASON MOMOA

Aw look, Henry was buried with this photo of his Dad, Kevin Costner! This was dear and precious to him, plus it might jolt his memories, so INTO THE GOOP WITH YOU

(tosses photo into Krypto-goop)

ROBO-FISHER

Timing is critical. Ezra has to run to full speed and zap the motherbox juuuuust as it hits the goop with Henry in it.

WHIZRA MILLER

So why don't I carry the motherbox and zap it as I put it in the goop? I could wait to go full-speed until the box makes contact with-

ROBO-FISHER

No no, I must drop it dramatically! You go to some other random part of the ship. Then on the count of three I'll drop the box, and who the fuck knows if you started too far away or too close. And I'll take huge dramatic pauses while counting so I might as well just say "GO" when I drop it.

THE BATFLECK

Look guys, I should warn you, there's a chance that Super-Cavill might come back... not quite right. Especially his upper lip and that bit under the nose, that IN PARTICULAR might come back, like, REALLY not right. Just try not to stare.

So of course the bullshit WORKS because LIKE IT WOULDN'T? Disoriented HENRY CAVILL flies out of the ship and over to his MEMORIAL.

WONDER GADOT

Super-Cavill! Try to remember who you were! Or better yet, maybe try to remember a less mopey-murdery, more Superman-y version?

Unfortunately CAVILL spots THE BATFLECK and freaks, GRABBING him!

HENRY CAVILL

(menacing)

I remember that ugly butt-chin. Now it's MY turn to ask: do you bleed?

THE BATFLECK

Well yeah I'm a regular dude, of course I do. How come you remember that and not how we teamed up and became best buds--

(being choked)

Urk! Ack! .... Martha, urk?

HENRY CAVILL

THAT'S MY SAFE WORD ASSHOLE, GET YOUR OWN

(clobbers Batfleck)

THE BATFLECK

Ouchie! Jeremy, bring out the big guns!

JEREMY IRONS

Certainly sir. Once more, I've been waiting motionless as you got your organs liquified, waiting for a command. Maybe if you'd smash a cooch now and then I'd have more initiative...

Dramatically AMY ADAMS appears from out of the crowd of COPS and BYSTANDERS and RANDOS!

AMY ADAMS

Um, how come I'm the "big guns", plural? Is that a tits joke? I know you guys liked the bathtub scene but come on.

(louder)

CLARK, it's us! We're your friends CLARK!

(grabs P.A. system)

DAMMIT CLAAARK LISTEN TO ME

HENRY CAVILL

Y'know, I let my father die to protect my true identity. Just saying.

(sighs)

Okay I guess I remember who I am now. Which means HELLLOOO REUNION SEX

(flies off with Amy)

WONDER GADOT

We really should have led with that, huh? Oh and while we were standing around watching Hinds stole the last motherbox, LOLZ

INT. BENCAVE

BEN slips off his COWL, furiously scrubs his FACE with a fistful of THREE-IN-ONE MAKEUP REMOVER WIPES, and goes to his room to ache and grunt a bit.

BEN AFFLECK

Hey Gal, check out my bruised lumpy Dad bod! I didn't stuff my codpiece I swear.

GAL GADOT

And I appear to be wearing a curtain. Y'know what, fuck this scene.

EXT. KANSAS WHEAT FIELD OF WHEATY HEARTLAND GOODNESS

AMY and HENRY STROLL ABOUT and CATCH UP and SHOOT THE BREEZE while ALL OF EARTH is about to be destroyed at any minute. AMY starts setting up a game of LEGENDARY: SECRET WARS but then DIANE LANE arrives.

DIANE LANE

Ohmigod Henry you're alive!!

(weeps)

AMY ADAMS

(smacks head)

Right, emotions and shit! I knew I was forgetting something. So like Henry, you gonna save the world or what?

HENRY CAVILL

That... is what I must decide. Hmm. Hmmmmm.

(stares into distance)

What. To. Do. Hmmmm.

(clenches jaw)

Hmm.

EXT. RUSSIA

Meanwhile the JUST A SEC, JUST A SEC, SUPER-CAVILL'S ON HIS WAY, WE PROMISE LEAGUE has tracked the motherboxes to RUSSIA, a potentially NEW and DIFFERENT-LOOKING location that has of course been evilly terraformed into a GENERIC ZACK SNYDER WASTELAND of INDISTINGUISHABLE RUST-COLOURED CRAP.

WONDER GADOT

We need to stop this underling villain and his flying-monster army before they can get the sparkly MacGuffin box to their purple overlord. Sorry, THREE sparkly MacGuffin boxes, FUCK YOU MARVEL.

THE BATFLECK

Plus, the army of drone-minions has taken over a small Eurasian town, like at the end of Avengers 2. I'll shoot a hole in the forcefield then fly in and disable it, like at the beginning of Avengers 2!

WHIZRA MILLER

I'll use my superspeed to race bystanders to safety! See, we care about that now!

WONDER GADOT

I can lasso CGIaran Hinds to keep him away from the motherboxes...

ROBO-FISHER

...which I can disable with cyborg powers!

AQUA-MOMOA

And I'll make use of the nearby large body of water!

THE BATFLECK

Er, nope.

WONDER GADOT

There's no water or fish involved at all, sorry.

AQUA-MOMOA

Fuck. Guess I'll stick to Will Smith catchphrases then. I have GOT to get me one of THESE!!

THE BATFLECK plops into his BATFLECKMOBILE and begins playing a specially modified digital recording that is UNBEARABLE for mortal humans but IRRESISTIBLE to drooling zombified minions!!

THE BATFLECK

(driving full tilt)

THAT'S RIGHT I GOT THE 100% ZACK SNYDER CUT RIGHT HERE, COME GET IT ASSHOOOOOLES

PARADEMONS

AUUUGHH YESS YESS GIVE IT TO USSSSS MUST WATCH AT LEAST SIXXX TIIIMEESSSS

BATFLECK is about to be hopelessly swarmed but!

WONDER GADOT

Ha ha! We changed the plan and we're all here to save you!

THE BATFLECK

Dammit Gal, have you not noticed the 200 interviews I've done about wanting to be written out of this fucking universe?

So now it's the whole JUST BEAR WITH US, ALMOST TIME FOR SUPER-CAVILL LEAGUE against CGIARAN HINDS and his PARADEMON ARMY! EZRA ZOOMS and MOMOA PITCHFORKS and RAY ROBO-FIGHTS and BATFLECK SHOOTS while WONDER GADOT does a BIT OF EVERYTHING!

WONDER GADOT

(sighs)

That's me, not as strong as Superman, not as fast as Flash, not as good a leader as fucking Batman, not as smart as Cyborg. Figures they'd give me 77 cents on the super-powered dollar.

WHIZRA MILLER

But Gal, you're our guiding light! By which I mean your movie's the only one that isn't a raging shitpile.

WONDER GADOT

(smiles)

Oh yeah.

(kicks ass)

The battle CONTINUES however CGIARAN HINDS is TOO STRONG! The LEAGUE seems headed for defeat BUT!

SUPER-CAVILL

(arriving dramatically!)

Yes it's me! And now I'm finally a proper version of Superman, who believes in Truth, Justice, and LASERING THE FUCK OUT OF A DUDE'S FACE

SUPER-CAVILL STOMPS THE EVER-LOVING SHIT out of CGIARAN and is about to EFFORTLESSLY WIN but then gets BORED and decides instead to NOT WIN. The fight CONTINUES.

JOHN WILLIAMS

Hey are you assholes using part of my Superman theme? This goddamn movie isn't fit to wash Christopher Reeve's Spandex.

DANNY ELFMAN

I'm also bringing back my own Batman theme though! Because we obviously want to distance ourselves from the critically acclaimed Nolanverse, and associate ourselves closer with fucking Mr. Arnie-Freeze and Two-Facey Lee Jones right?? Anyway, back to the action...

AQUA-MOMOA

(punches parademon)

WELCOME TO URFF!!

WHIZRA MILLER

Yoik, those civilians are in danger! Okay downtrodden Russian family, hold on tight!

(super-speeds them to safety)

Phew! Oh did your truck come with NASA-grade heat shielding like my costume does...

(family is liquified goo)

Shit.

Meanwhile ROBO-FISHER gets RIPPED IN HALF by CGIARAN, but luckily all his PARTS are still under WARRANTY so he gets FULLY REPAIRED!

WONDER GADOT

(winks)

Hide-diddily-ho, neighbour.

ROBO-FISHER

(winks)

Phew, that really saved my hide.

Finally they think of a way for SUPER-CAVILL to merely HELP defeat CGIARAN instead of POUNDING HIM INTO SO MUCH DUST! This unlocks the FIGHT-ENDING CUTSCENE!

CGIARAN HINDS

My axe--destroyed! Now I, too, feel fear! But since I created all these parademons I'm sure I have SOME level of control over them, they wouldn't YORLP GUESS THEY WOULD, WELL FUCK MEEEE

(teleports away)

All the LAVA-BLASTED HELLSCAPE turns into PRETTY FLOWERS and PLANTS and shit because it's the ending of MOANA now.

ROBO-FISHER

I guess this is where I say "Boo-ya" because of the animated series or whatever?

WHIZRA MILLER

Awright, Justice League has finally arrived for realz!

WONDER GADOT

But we formed the League because there was no Super-Cavill. And then we needed Super-Cavill to bail our asses out anyway, and now that he's alive we kind of have no purpose.

(sighs)

Fuck, we're gonna have to fight him every movie, aren't we. What's next, tar kryptonite?

THE BATFLECK

Well I still believe in the League because it means I'm in charge. Where should we put the Hall of Justice?

WHIZRA MILLER

Given how little shit we give about our secret identities, how about your own fucking house?

THE BATFLECK

Perfect!

EXT. EPILOGUE MONTAGE

AMY ADAMS sits down to write her SEX AND THE CITY ENDING NARRATION.

AMY ADAMS

(actual line)

Darkness is not the absence of light. TRUE darkness is...

LEGO BATMAN

NOOOO PAAARENTS

BLACKED OUT WINDOWS

ADMIT IT, MY TEAMUP WAS WAY BETTER

AMY ADAMS

Okay yes yes, anyway everyone went back to their lives.

WHIZRA MILLER

I guard Central City, in SLOOOO-MOTION which is how you know it's fast motion!

THE BATFLECK

I guard the Gotham half of Metropogotham, while Cavill guards the Metropolis half!

WONDER GADOT

And I guard, um, the remaining landmass of the planet?

AQUA-MOMOA

Fuck all y'all, I guard like seventy percent of the Earth's surface!! Aw, HELL yeah!!

ROBO-FISHER

While I guard cyberspace against people being assholes FNURKK SYSTEM OVERLOAD, REBOOT, REBOOT

HENRY CAVILL

And I'm off to work in my nerdy glasses! Oh, how we explained Clark Kent being alive again is WHOOPS PEOPLE IN TROUBLE GOTTA GOOOOOO

(flies off)

END

EXT. MID-CREDITS BONUS SCENE -- DESERTED COUNTRY ROAD SUITABLE FOR ADDING LAST-SECOND FUNNY SCENES

EZRA COSMIC-TREADMILLER

Thanks for agreeing to race me Henry. I guess now we'll finally learn whether you're... BETTER THAN EZ-

SUPER-CAVILL

FUCK YOU I'M STARTING BEFORE YOU FINISH THAT LAME-ASS JOKE

INT. POST-CREDITS BONUS SCENE -- FANCY YACHT

JESSIE FUCKING EISENBERG has escaped jail using a JOKER REFERENCE because GODDAMN IT WE ALMOST MADE IT THROUGH THE WHOLE MOVIE WITHOUT JESSIE FUCKING EISENBERG.

JESSIE FUCKING EISENBERG

(whinysmug)

Welcome, unintroduced and uncredited villain Joe Mang-

JOE MANGANELLA

Emphasis on UNCREDITED dude. Let's just see how this movie does before I commit.

Faced with the sorry state of their franchise, WARNER BROTHERS wisely FRAGS THE WHOLE SNYDERVERSE, keeps WONDER WOMAN as the start of a whole new continuity, and hands the future of the DCEU over to PATTY JENKINS and the ARROWVERSE people. Or, y'know, they DON'T.

END

This script was made possible thanks to the support of Patrons like Agamemnon Jones.

If you'd like to support the site, please check out our Patreon page where pledging can earn you access to an ad-free version of the site, early access to scripts, exclusive scripts, and other cool shit.


Discussion