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MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - ROGUE NATION
The Abridged Script
EXT. BIG OL' WIDE OPEN TOTALLY FLAT FIELD
Simon, come in, Simon! The evil guys are prepping their evil plane for evil takeoff, we don't have much time! Report!
(popping up in field)
I'm here, Jeremy! Right over here, I know I could have stayed hidden since you're on radio but helloooo, everyone! Hellooooooo!
Why aren't you hidden in the forest further back? Do our spy gadgets have less range than a fucking Radio Shack walkie-talkie?!? Dammit, this mission is about to fail unless somebody does a big movie-opening stunt!
Sorry, I'm only cleared for comic relief plus madly tapping on keyboards and tablets. No can do.
And my range of skills is limited to standing, sitting, and also tapping on keyboards and tablets. Guess we're fucked.
But suddenly TOM CRUISE appears, who was apparently just hanging out in the wide open empty field in his BUSINESS CASUAL outfit for some reason.
DON'T WORRY GUYS I TOTALLY GOT THIS!!!!
TOM jumps onto the PLANE'S WING and slides to a DOOR and GRABS it! The plane TAKES OFF!
OHMIGOD TOM IS TOTALLY HANGING ONTO THAT PLANE IN REAL LIFE HOLY FUCKING SHIT plus all the safety harnesses and redundancies and failsafes and all that but still HOLY GODDAMN FUCKING SHIT
SIMON OPEN THE DOOR NOW! I mean first give everyone lots of time to appreciate this awesome stunt of course but then OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!!!!
SIMON fucks around on his tablet, opening the WRONG DOOR and then opening a SWISS BANK ACCOUNT and opening a MAN OF LA MANCHA REVIVAL OFF-BROADWAY and opening SESAME until finally opening the CORRECT DOOR. The rush of air YANKS TOM out of his impressive stunt and into a OBVIOUS CGI EFFECT that just kind of cheapens everything.
CUE: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME!
INT. CONGRESSIONAL HEARING ROOM
JEREMY RENNER is testifying before YET STILL ANOTHER one of those CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS that exist solely to BUST MOVIE PROTAGONISTS' BALLS.
So in conclusion, the IMF, and in particular Tom Cruise, sucks. Please remember how much I am shitting all over Tom Cruise's abilities in this scene, for later reference.
GRUMPY OLD CONGRESSMAN FUCKER
He's right, Jeremy. Plus, it's become tradition to disband or discredit the IMF in each movie, so once more, we're dissolving the entire organization.
Damn. But the Avengers, we're still cool, right?
INT. RECORD STORE - LONDON
TOM arrives and exchanges coded spy phrases with the CLERK in the form of a ten-minute conversation about jazz records.
Well, you're either the 27th hipster to wander in here today, or an IMF operative. May I recommend this LP of Duke Missionbriefing and the Covertagents?
TOM enters a listening booth and plays the record which has SPY GIZMO stuff!
Greetings, Mr. Cruise. Your mission, should you choose to PSYCH THIS ISN'T IMF IT'S THE EVIL SYNDICATE, OH YEEEAHHHHH! Now we're going to gas you to sleep, and I really don't know why we went to all the effort of making a fake IMF recording, since we're releasing the gas AFTER tipping our hand.
GAS starts coming in! Outside the booth, SEAN HARRIS shoots the CLERK and GLARES EVILLY!!
Ooh, you're gonna regret showing your face to me for utterly no reason!
Gas... filling... chamber! Must... punch glass... uselessly!
Must... place... solitary hand... on window... so it can... dramatically... slide... downwards!
INT. COLD GREY INTERROGATION ROOM
TOM wakes up SHIRTLESS and cuffed to a POLE.
Either this is the post-shoot cast party or I'm in serious trouble...
REBECCA FERGUSON, JENS HULTEN, and some GOONS show up to TORTURE TOM. But suddenly REBECCA knocks out JENS, frees TOM, and they KILL the GOONS! They do not however finish off JENS since his contract stipulates he can only be killed at the END of the movie.
Um, we haven't met before, right? This is your first Mission: Impossible movie?
Duh, I'm playing The Girl, of COURSE this is my first Mission: Impossible movie. First, and last. The rules are QUITE specific on that point. Now get out of here.
TOM calls JEREMY for help.
Sorry, the IMF is shut down and Alec Baldwin is after you. Yes, Alec Baldwin. I know it's pretty much impossible to take him seriously after years of playing Jack Donaghy, but--
Did you say... IMPOSSIBLE?!???
CUE: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEEEME!!
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - SIX MONTHS LATER
ALEC almost catches TOM, but TOM pulls a SILENCE OF THE LAMBS FAKEOUT and escapes. Disheartened, ALEC decides to go harass SIMON PEGG, since after disbanding the IMF for being foolhardy reckless idiots they went and hired them all for the CIA obviously.
We think you may still be in contact with Tom. Rather than monitor your phone, or your email, or do shit the CIA might do, instead I'll just ask you in person. But with a polygraph! Which no spy in history has ever beaten. So where is he?
You think I care about that asshole? Every movie Tom gets to mack on some new hot babe while I just do wacky hijinks. Fuck him! Fuck that fucking fuck!
I see the polygraph remained on flatline during that entire emotional speech. Which tells me you're consciously dampening it and everything you've said is a big fucking lie. I'll just have to
Back at his desk, SIMON gets Vienna opera tickets in the mail so he flies to another country to see opera.
INT. VIENNA OPERA
As SIMON arrives a mysterious figure shoves a PACKAGE into his hands. Inside are IMF SPY GLASSES with a RADIO HOOKUP!
It's a good thing our CIA really hates doing CIA shit like surveilling me, that was obviously you, Tom.
Listen up. Something's going down here tonight, and I need your help.
Wait, WHAT?!? You mean the opera tickets were from YOU?!?!???? WHAAAAAAAAA?!?!?
Uh, yeah. I assumed you figured that out the instant you saw the tickets, since your character's supposed to not be a total fucking imbecile.
Yeah, I assumed that too, but apparently not. What's the plan?
I'm convinced that Sean Harris is here to do evil. Since he is a super-clever assassin-spy, my theory is he will sit right out in the open with no disguise, so start scanning the audience.
Meanwhile REBECCA arrives also, wearing the traditional ASSASSINATRIX DRESS which shows plenty of leg while maintaining a dangling length of fabric that ends RIGHT at the heels, and which would cause any NORMAL person to trip and faceplant themselves within two minutes of putting it on.
It's true, pulling off spy maneouvres in this klutztrap should be... IMPOSSIBLE!!
CUE: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEEEEEME!!!!!
A-ha! Stop right there, Evil Flautist!
Damn, how did you know I was an assassin?!
Assassin? I meant how you arrived the same time as the audience right before the performance. Have you never heard of warm-up rehearsal, you fuck?!?
They FIGHT on lighting rigs that go UP AND DOWN all comically! TOM is almost defeated but calls a TIME OUT which for some reason EVIL FLAUTIST actually GOES ALONG WITH. TOM WINS!
Hey, his flute is really a sniper rifle, cool! Sure, it's no machine-gun-in-an-acoustic-guitar, but still.
(activates spy intuition powers)
Fuck, he was going to shoot the Austrian Ambassador when the last sung note of "Nessun Dorma" happens! Funny he wouldn't wait until the thunderous applause AFTER the aria, it would be much better cover. But even though I've stopped HIM, I see Rebecca and an Evil Guard taking aim!
Quickly, TOM wound-shoots the AMBASSADOR before REBECCA can shoot the AMBASSADOR before the EVIL GUARD can shoot the AMBASSADOR! However the AMBASSADOR gets BLOWN UP anyway because fuck it, it's only AUSTRIA.
INT. SEAN HARRIS'S LUXURY SUITE
REBECCA reports back to SEAN HARRIS and shows off her VAJ-JITSU FINISHING MOVE on a RANDOM HENCHMAN.
(in menacing whisper)
So, Rebecca. Earlier, back at the interrogation spot, you failed me and let Tom escape. But I let you live.
Now you have failed me again, and let Tom escape, again. And so you give me no choice...
...but to let you live. Again.
(shoots random henchman)
Here is your new task. But I warn you, it would be MOST unwise to fail me... yet again.
EXT. THE DOCKS
TOM AND SIMON'S GETAWAY CAR speeds off, after which TOM AND SIMON step out from the shadows.
Who the fuck is driving that thing?
Never mind that. During our escape, Rebecca said we could find her if we needed to. But all we have is this exotic lipstick she left behind... oh I know, there's probably some fiendishly intricate clue that only our top-flight spy training can possibly--
Actually the bottom comes off and there's a thumb drive. There are novelty USBs at fucking Best Buy harder to open than this.
On the thumb drive is the location of REBECCA'S super swanky spy pad!
EXT. REBECCA'S SUPER SWANKY SPY PAD
Remember we're still not sure if we can trust her, so be on your guard and don't HELLOOOO, SEXY SWIMSUIT BABE!!!
(eyes pop out)
AA-OOO-GAH!! AA-OO-GAH!! QUICK GIVE HER ALL OUR PASSWORDS AND BANKING INFORMATION
Careful not to protest TOO much. Anyway, exposition. Hint of betrayal. Sexy overtones. Mission.
Woah, an underwater room with electronic cards of everyone's security profiles? That seems extra ridiculous. Surely you mean the CPU is being supercooled, right? Or do they also store the top-secret chocolate in the sunlamp room?
Nope. The CPU's completely underwater along with all the data storage, which should get totally fried by water. They also keep their spare keyboards underwater along with the entire IT department. Plus Accounting. They just fucking love putting shit underwater, it's their thing.
We'll do it! Say, perhaps you have a spare superspy wetsuit custom-fitted to an ACHOOty-three-year-old five-foot-HACKCOUGH man?
Why, of course!
It helpfully displays how much oxygen you have left in your body. Since the body is two-thirds oxygen, when the readout hits zero you will suffer total spontaneous cell death and instantly become a dessicated corpse.
Or maybe it magically senses how much air is in your lungs, why not. In case you don't notice when you fucking drown.
It's almost as if there's some unseen audience, watching your every move, who can't be trusted to know that people underwater eventually run out of breath!
INT. TOP SECRET DATA STORAGE FACILITY
SIMON parades in the front door using his normal face, because the super-hi-tech biometric identity-confirming security system doesn't have enough memory to store HEADSHOTS. Elsewhere, TOM and REBECCA are sneaking in!
We've got to swap this data-card of Simon's bio-profile for the guy he's impersonating, right before Simon reaches the analyzer gizmo. Why we didn't do this step hours ago, I have no idea. Anyway, first I'll move this giant platform thing to be directly above the hole leading to the storage room. Then you stand up in plain view and jump into it.
DORP DEE DORP NOPE NUTHIN' HAPPENING TWO INCHES IN FRONT OF MY FACE, EVERYTHING'S FINE DORP DEE DORP DORP
TOM jumps and drops down the tube, only weeks after ANT-MAN'S heist that involved a freakishly miniaturized man jumping and dropping down a tube. Not sure why that came to mind. Anyway TOM reaches the UNDERWATER ROOM!
Argh, the crazy spinner arm bumped me and now I don't know which is the original data-card and which is ours! Which, since nobody but us will ever actually SEE it, I don't know why we didn't make it pink and glittery with "FAKE SIMON PROFILE" written in neon. I'll just have to guess... THIS one!
Shockingly it WORKS and SIMON gets the data! However TOM runs out of air... so REBECCA leaps in and saves him with no fancy suit or oxygen readout or anything, so thanks for coming out TOM. They emerge in the DRAINAGE ROOM.
INT. DRAINAGE ROOM! DRRAAAAAAIIIINNN-AGE!!!!!!! (SORRY, DANIEL DAY-LEWIS RUINED THAT WORD FOR ME)
Is Tom okay? I got the data though! Look, here it is, in this thumb drive, right here!
REBECCA knocks him out and takes it, WHAA?! She gets a MOTORCYCLE and races off chased by SEAN'S GOONS! TOM and SIMON chase the GOONS! There is a BIG-ASS CHASE that ends with TOM crashing the fuck out of his car for some reason!
Ah, now I can walk slowly up to the overturned car and shoot Tom and Simon. I'm going to savour this kill. Yes, plenty of time to leisurely walk over, I'm sure that 4x4 hurtling towards me will veer off at the last possible
Hey, it's me and Ving! Yup, we're still barely in this movie.
TOM grabs the motorcycle and resumes the CHASE! The CHASE is filmed very well and it really looks like TOM and REBECCA and TWO STUNT DUDES are doing high-speed shit! Sure, ONE EVIL DUDE basically gets himself smooshed through sheer incompetence and the OTHER EVIL DUDE gets taken out pathetically easily, but still, IT REALLY LOOKED LIKE TOM DID THAT!
You won't catch me so easily. Observe, the Casino Royale manoeuver, where the love interest suddenly appears in the middle of the road!
Arrgh I've avoided onrushing cars at high speed in split seconds, but can't dodge a single standing person!! NOOOOO
INT. BAR OF FAILURE
The TEAM slouch in and gather round the TABLE OF DEFEAT.
Fuck. All the big action set pieces from the trailer are over, and we haven't won yet.
Well that sucks. Now we have to try to build to a climax without any awesome stunts, why that's--
Not now, dude.
--that's gonna be--
CUE: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEEEEEEEEEEMMEEE!!!!!! DUN! DUN! DUN, DUN, DUN! DUN! DUN, DUN, DUNNN!!!
REBECCA meets up with head of British Intelligence SIMON MCBURNEY.
Turns out I've been deep cover for MI6 all along! Hm, maybe we should have saved MI6 for M:I-6.
Anyway here's the data disc, which is actually a thumb drive but for some goddamn reason we call it a "disc" ten thousand fucking times IT'S NOT A DISC PEOPLE, DISCS ARE ROUND
Yes, well. I know you've blown your cover harder than Ben Affleck's nanny [FUTURE READERS: UPDATE AS NEEDED], but I must insist you return to the field, probably to be instantly killed.
Are you just angry because your name sounds like Simon Pegg landing a really good insult?
INT. TOM'S HIDEOUT SPOT
So since I sneakily copied the data on the disc...
THUMB DRIVE THUMB DRIVE DISCS ARE FUCKING ROUND GODDAMMIT
...er, thumb drive, I've figured out it's actually a list of secret bank accounts full of money. But to decode it we need a code phrase from the PRIME MINISTER OF ENGLAND, DUN DUN DUNNNNN!
That means Sean Harris will go after the PM! We've gotta warn him.
No, we can't! That's what Sean EXPECTS us to do! He's anticipated EVERYTHING!
Then how can we defeat him?
We DON'T! He's EXPECTING us to defeat him! That would play RIGHT INTO HIS HANDS! We should all BLOW OUR OWN BRAINS OUT RIGHT HERE AND NOW!!!
All right, it's fine, we won't warn anyone, we'll keep going it totally on our own, solving every problem with outrageous spy stuff, we promise, just caaaaallmmm down.
REBECCA meets up with SEAN and the GOONS. She hands over her THUMB DRIVE but... it's BLANK!
(in menacing whisper)
So, Rebecca. You have failed me, yet again, and let Tom escape... yet again. And so, you give me no choice...
...but to let you live. Yet again.
Here is your new task. But I warn you, it would be REALLY MOST unwise to fail me... yet again again.
TOM sends REBECCA a SPYPE MESSAGE to meet at the AIRPORT.
So, here we are.
And me too! Look, I'm standing over here!
And I'm slouched against a wall over HERE!
And I'M presenting a rather inviting kidnap target over HERE!
You have a formidable team, Tom, no doubt. But Sean Harris is super-duper-extra-formidable. We should just run away together, you and I.
That sure is tempting. Wait, hang on, don't I have a wife somewhere?
No matter, I have to defeat Sean. It's my lifelong goal that we only learned about in this movie.
Very well. Oh by the way Sean has kidnapped Simon, so if you HAD run off with me, Simon would be totally fucked.
Oh no! Jeremy, run with me after Simon! Ving, try to do one thing in this whole movie that involves moving around!
Okay, I'll walk towards Rebecca so she can't slip away.
(people go by)
Oof! Ugh! Cannot... get... through... modest amount of people! Spy training... thwarted... by... random... commuters!
God DAMMIT Ving.
EXT. PHONE BOOTH - LATER THAT NIGHT
Alec? It's me. Listen, Tom's gone over the edge. I can't side with him any more, so I'm betrayAH HA HA HA HA HA
Sorry, sorry. Like I was saying, I'm totally going behind Tom's back to BWAH HA HA HEE HOO HEEEEE
NO NO WAIT, wait, honestly, I am TOTES selling Tom out and BWAH HA HA HA I CAN'T KEEP THIS GOING JUST MEET US LATER OKAY BYE
INT. BIG FANCY TUXEDO BUILDING THING
JEREMY and ALEC rendezvous with SIMON MCBURNEY and together they get the PRIME MINISTER alone in a room.
Spot of bother, Prime Minister. Apparently Tom Cruise is after you because of that, y'know, thing we did that time.
What, the ultra top secret spy program that went ROGUE and formed its own NATION? That then turned evil so we disavowed it utterly? The one that totally justifies all of Tom Cruise's crazy actions and thoroughly exonerates him from wrongdoing? That one?
Well I don't see how one deranged superspy can be any threat to ME, an elected politician!
(has psychotic break)
You don't understand, sir. Tom Cruise is no mere man, he's a force of nature, nay, a GOD. He is FATE, he is DESTINY, he IS the one who knocks. He stands ASTRIDE the MOUNTAINS, commanding the WIND and the STORM. ONE DROP of his ballsweat is mightier than the RAGING OCEAN, and he has made YOU his mission. One might as well STRUGGLE against the passing of TIME, take ARMS against the very TIDE OF HISTORY! He is ALPHA, OMEGA, and ALL CREATION IN BETWEEN, and you are SO HUGELY AND ALL-ENCOMPASSINGLY HATEFUCKED YOU SORRY PATHETIC BASTARD.
SIMON MCBURNEY whips off his MASK and is actually TOM!
Well THIS is embarrassing.
Surprise! I mean, we all knew SOMEBODY had to be me, in a mask, right? Shockingly it was the Tom Cruise-sized guy with a face like wet cement. I guess the only real surprise is there was only ONE mask reveal in this scene.
They DRUG the PRIME MINISTER and get the PASSCODE! TOM then uses his OK-SPYHOSTAGE account to arrange a trade for SIMON PEGG.
EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO
TOM arrives at the PATIO to find REBECCA and SIMON PEGG, who has changed into a formal EARPIECE and REMOTE-TRIGGERED EXPLOSIVE VEST for the occasion. Nearby are JENS HULTEN and the GOONS!
Your team isn't the only one that can stand nearby at evenly-spaced points, you know. Observe as I menacingly stand over here!
Oh yeah, I am standing over HERE like a FUCKING BOSS!
And you better fucking BELIEVE I am totally STANDING THE EVER-LIVING FUCK out of OVER HERE!
Rebecca, you're alive, even after you offered to ditch Sean Harris and run off with me?
Yes, Sean just menacingly whispered in my earpiece that since she failed him, yet again again, and let you escape, yet again again, he was left with no choice... hang on, he's pausing sinisterly... but to let her live, yet again again.
But he's also warning her that THIS time, it would be REALLY TERRIBLY MOST unwise to fail him... yet again again again.
Well I have bad news for you Sean. I memorized the entire list and destroyed the thumb drive! So now you have to keep me alive and let Simon go.
Okay, but Sean is saying that we only HAVE the list because we copied it, before giving it to Rebecca. So why wouldn't he assume we just copied it again?
Simple, because I KNEW that he'd know that I would anticipate his not believing I'd not think of him anticipating I'd not fail to know to make another copy.
Okay, he bought it. I'm free to go!
Nice move, Tom. What clever plan do you have for evading the four goons?
I figured we'd just stand up and shoot them... I mean we're out of big stunts after all.
This WORKS! TOM and REBECCA run through the streets, pursued by SEAN and JENS.
(shooting at Tom)
COME BACK HERE I NEED YOU ALIVE!!
MY WHOLE PLAN NOW HINGES ON YOUR KNOWLEDGE
REBECCA fights JENS one-on-one, eventually DEFEATING him with the exact same finishing move she always uses and which he'd seen firsthand, so WAY TO ADAPT BUDDY. Meanwhile TOM jumps into a HOLE and SEAN follows, only to find himself in a BIG PLEXIGLASS BOX, slowly filling with KNOCKOUT GAS!
Dammit, the classic Bookend-Reversal Trap! Just please don't do the thing where-
OH YES WE WILL, here's ME standing TO YOUR LEFT!
And check it out I'm TOTALLY STANDING BEHIND YOU ASSHOLE!
AND ME AND MY SWOLLEN COCK OF REVENGE ARE STANDING ERECTLY TO YOUR RIGHT, DOUCHEBAG!!!
Fuck all of you. Well I can still pull one last dick move, by doing the "overcome by sleepy gas" shtick better than Tom did!
GODDAMN YOU SEAN
Fuelled with rage, TOM pushes the entire bulletproof steel-jointed cage over ALL BY HIMSELF into a waiting van. Then he DRAGS THE ENTIRE VAN to CIA HQ with his TEETH and for an encore does the ENTIRE TWELVE LABOURS OF HERCULES with his LEFT NUT because he is TOM FUCKING CRUISE in a TOM CRUISE FUCKING MOVIE and THAT'S JUST HOW THIS DAMN WELL WORKS.
INT. CONGRESSIONAL HEARING
Good work, Jeremy. I've reinstated the IMF, since that mega-billion-dollar program can be turned off and on like a fucking lightswitch. Guess we won't be building those new schools and hospitals after all!
And with you in charge, we've managed to add another 50-something actor to our dynamic action team where a 44-year-old is the Young Guy. I gotta say, the fact we're still considered an top-tier action franchise is kind of, er, aw crap...
(turns to camera)
CUE: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMEE!!!!!!!!!!