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The Abridged Script
INT. FLASHBACK - RUSSIA - AN APARTMENT
Glowingly happy couple MARIA DOYLE KENNEDY and JAMES D'ARCY anticipate their first child with glowing happiness, unaware they are doing an ORIGIN PRELUDE which only ensures HORRIBLE TRAGEDY is imminent.
MILA KUNIS (V/O)
To barely understand the next two hours of fucksense, you do not need to first understand my parents. But here goes. My Mom was Russian, and met my British Dad while he was stargazing on a brightly lit city street, because he was an idiot.
MARIA DOYLE KENNEDY
Oof, the baby kicked! James, am I still beautiful?
Of course my dear! Let's call our child Jupiter, after the biggest, fattest, most enormous planet of all. I'll always think of you when I gaze upon the distended bloat of Jupiter's tremendous mass, as it lumbers like a engorged whale-beast across the heavens...
MARIA DOYLE KENNEDY
FUCK YOU, HOW ABOUT YOU DIE BY RUSSIAN THUGS NOW
MILA KUNIS (V/O)
Yes, Russian thugs killed my Dad for his fancy telescope. Mom came to Chicago to join her family, where we now all live together in a rejected Chuck Lorre sitcom.
EXT. THE PRESENT - THE PLANET MIRANDA
Space Plutocrats DOUGLAS BOOTH and TUPPENCE MIDDLETON stroll leisurely through a desolate city.
Actually it's "Neptunecrats" now, THANKS NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON.
I must say, I've known all about this planet-harvesting thing we do for centuries, but I rarely have a chance to explain it in person to you, who also knows all about it.
Hello my siblings, I'm either a hologram or I teleported here, eh fuck it, not like this ever happens again! Let us argue semi-coherently about wills, inheritance law, and corporate interests!
Fuck, really? Did Phantom Menace teach us nothing?
No, you see, if we do this enough then maybe the next five scenes of Mila cleaning toilets will seem like high adventure by comparison.
They DO NOT.
EXT. ALLEYWAY - EARTH (RUNNING NORTH/SOUTH BETWEEN BATTLEFIELD: EARTH AND ASSIGNMENT: EARTH)
ALIEN CHANNING TATUM is tracking MILA when he senses that BOUNTY HUNTERS are about to attack him!
Ah, but they haven't counted on my child-sized energy shield, OR my rad bitchin' hoverboots! They allow me to skate on air in totally gnarly 80s-scifi style, and give me the fearsome bearing of a sullen teenager!
CHANNING and the HUNTERS FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT and shoot up the WHOLE ALLEYWAY and nobody is hurt and nobody around notices anything and then they all leave.
INT. UPSCALE CONDO
MILA takes a break from cleaning NORMAL TOILETS to clean some FANCY TOILETS.
GIRL IN UNDERWEAR
Who the fuck am I and why am I running around in my underwear?
Suddenly LITTLE GREY ALIENS zonk out UNDERWEAR GIRL and SCAN her!
SHIT!! QUICK, WIPE HER MEMORY BUT DO NOT TAKE HER PHONE, OR TAMPER WITH IT IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER!!
INT. MILA'S WACKY FAMILY'S PLACE
MILA asks her uncle for a TELESCOPE but he says no, so MILA looks at pictures of telescopes.
Guess it would be kinda cool to have a telescope.
MILA'S WACKY COUSIN
Don't forget about our zany plan to sell your eggs for mad cash! Which is something you just pop round and do, like giving blood, in this universe. Months of hormone therapy? Fuck that!
(watching water boil)
Oh yeah, then I could buy that telescope or whatever.
INT. EDDIE'S JUPITER BASE
EDDIE confers with his DINO-MINIONS because OF COURSE HE HAS DINO-MINIONS.
Turns out Underwear Girl didn't have the DNA signature we're searching for. There was another girl there, but we didn't check her because then the movie would already be over.
I SAID DO YOU LIKE MY MARLON BRANDO IMPRESSION YOU FUCKWANG
INT. T.G.I. FERTILITY'S
MILA goes to donate eggs but after being put under anesthetic, the DOCTORS are really GREY ALIENS in disguise!
Wow, we have disguise power? This will come HUGELY in handy later on I'm sure!
It NEVER MATTERS EVER AGAIN. Instead CHANNING SWOOPS IN, SHOOTS all the GREYS, and GRABS MILA!
INT. OFFICE TOWER
MILA wakes up in a strange location with a strange man and
FREAKS THE FUCK OUT chillaxes.
Like, what's going on and stuff.
Brace yourself. Despite being a lowly toilet-scrubber, you are actually Queen of Earth.
(doodling on wall)
Oh okay, we've been adapted from a YA novel, got it.
We don't have much time, the Greys are hunting you. So to get you to safety, let's use my reealllly slooooow elevator beam that will graaaaadually lift us to my cloaked spaceship. Of course the big sparkly beam, which is visible for miles, is not cloaked.
The GREY ALIENS arrive in their LEGO SHIPS and BLOW CHANNING'S SHIP THE FUCK UP!! MILA falls but CHANNING SWOOPS DOWN and GRABS HER!
Quick, hold my arm while I use my rocket boots to reach a Grey ship, and commandeer it! Don't mind the wrenching forces of momentum tearing your joints apart!
(body being whipped around like rag doll)
CHANNING and the GREYS engage in a CITYWIDE SPECTACULAR DOGFIGHT that KILLS HUNDREDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE and ends with a cheesy CAR ALARM JOKE.
INT. EDDIE'S JUPITER LAIR
EDDIE is hard at work LITERALLY CUTTING AND PASTING THE OPENING SCENE OF "SERENITY" ONTO THIS FUCKING MESS, I AM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING, when his main DINO-MINION arrives.
I'm afraid Mila escaped our grasp. Well, more accurately Channing escaped our grasp while she sort of sat there.
Dammit! I won't let her take ownership of Earth from me! I will harvest the whole planet TOMORROW rather than allow that! Bwah ha ha, what an evil plan! THE CLOCK IS TICKING!
(forgets all about plan)
(clock refuses to tick)
EXT. JUST OUTSIDE CHICAGO
CHANNING and MILA have stolen a car. Who are we kidding, CHANNING has stolen a car and put MILA in it.
You're like bleeding, guess I'll stick a Maxipad to you or whatever.
Wow, thanks for putting the sticky side against my wound, which puts the ABSORBENT part on the OUTSIDE, where it will be completely fucking useless.
So I guess we just destroyed Chicago and like the secret's out and shit.
Not so! Observe, the towers are being rebuilt super-fast-style! And the Greys are running around erasing memories all MIB-style! So it's as if nothing happened.
Okay, but what about the hundreds of dead people? You'd need insane amounts of mindwiping and record-altering to cover THAT up, and we know the Greys somehow can't deal with smartphones despite their crazy tech, so your epic spaceship duels would be all over the Internet by now, and
EXT. SEAN BEAN'S FARM
CHANNING and MILA arrive at the BEAN FARM. SEAN and CHANNING do a traditional greeting of FACEPUNCHES while MILA says hello to SEAN'S DAUGHTER and a SWARM OF BEES.
Check it out, the bees are worshiping me or something. Guess this is like the first step of unlocking my hidden powers and shit.
Instead it is the first step in GOING UTTERLY FUCKING NOWHERE. Everyone goes inside for some SEANSPLAINING.
You see, humanity is actually a spacefaring species that populates worlds with harvestable stock and spends its free time creating random genetic hybrids. Channing, for example, was created by gene-splicing a bicep with Wolverine's pubic hair. He's a real loner, sort of a... LONE WOLF, if you will. Get it? Also his character name is Caine Wise because holy fuck.
SEAN uses some cool alien tech to heal CHANNING.
Wow you should like totes share that with the world.
Oh, ha ha, humans aren't responsible enough for such advanced...
(watching paint dry)
You just said the whole purpose of Earth is to create healthy populations to harvest, of COURSE you should use all the medical tech you can. Fuck, just have Greys run around healing people and wiping memories if you want to keep it all secret.
Meanwhile, nearby the BOUNTY HUNTERS are back, even the girl on the cloaked hoverbike who UNCLOAKS just to let the AUDIENCE know she's there, and in case anybody at the farmhouse happened to be looking in that direction.
I'M PRETTY SURE BAD GUYS ARE OUTSIDE SO I'M GONNA SHOOT THE FUCK OUT OF THIS WALL!!
CHANNING starts fighting the BOUNTY HUNTERS, some GREY ALIENS, and some OTHER GOOBERS who could be literally anybody.
summons the GIANT SWARM OF BEES THAT IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE AND COMMANDS THEM TO ENGULF HER ENEMIES, THUS ALLOWING AW SHIT, STRIKETHROUGH TEXT, REALLY?!? NONE OF THIS EVEN HAPPENS?!? GODDAMMIT PEOPLE flees through the CORNFIELD with all the searing intensity of an allergy commercial.
BOUNTY HUNTER #1
Taste Loopergun, Mila!
BOUNTY HUNTER #1 catches MILA, but is then himself betrayed by the other two bounty hunters!
Was that betrayal really needed? Why couldn't the three of us have the same goal? Or why couldn't there simply be one super-awesome bounty hunter?
BOUNTY HUNTER #2
Because unnecessary detail is like crystal meth to the Wachowskis, is why. I say after this job, we fuck the hell off and never get seen or referred to ever again.
I'm down with that.
Us too! Fuck this movie.
At the last second CHANNING stows away on the BOUNTY SHIP which flies off to TUPPENCE'S LAIR.
INT. TUPPENCE'S SPACE PALACE
TUPPENCE gives MILA a VERA WANG DRESS accessorized with the very latest in EXPOSITION.
You have the exact same genetic code as our Mom did. Of course that's a freak coincidence based on random chance, so we'll insist on behaving as if you're actually a reincarnation, complete with her memories and personality.
(gazing at laundromat dryer)
I dunno if I really believe any of this. Maybe if I had a telescope.
Well if you won't believe ME, maybe you'll believe THIS GIANT BLOBBY STATUE THAT BARELY RESEMBLES YOU!!!
(uploading cat video)
OMG, it's all true.
You see, in space high society, TIME is the most valuable commodity. So we have magical goop that gives us eternal youth! Observe as I bathe in it and become decades younger! I deliberately let myself age the past 30 years just in case I had to dramatically demonstrate this process.
Just then, CHANNING SWOOPS IN and GRABS MILA! After which SPACE COPS arrive, led by SPACE COP CAPTAIN NIKKI AMUKA-BIRD, who despite her name has NOT been gene-spliced with a BIRD.
INT. SPACE COP SHIP
The SPACE COPS take CHANNING and MILA to the REAL HUMAN HOMEWORLD which is also TERRY GILLIAM'S BRAZIL because we can't leave out any SF film made in the last THIRTY-FIVE YEARS. TERRY GILLIAM even gets a CAMEO ROLE because what the hell else is he doing.
Gaze upon the crucible of the entire human race! Now for the grand adventure that is... BUREAUCRACY!
Are you shitting me.
Not at all. We need to get you officially certified as Queen of Earth, so that you will legally own Earth and can keep it safe. This will ruin all Eddie's plans so he will make every effort to stop you. Whoops, I meant no effort.
MILA and CHANNING get her paperwork in order, then wander into a tunnel to get their flirt on.
(trips over coffee table)
I think you're hot
(spills tray of drinks)
(bonks head on ceiling)
Uh okay but
(steps in pot of glue)
I'm conflicted because
(falls into pool)
of genetics and shit
(hand stuck in mason jar)
No really, I'm so moist
ENOUGH! I'm double-crossing you, because that and dying are all I know how to do in movies!
SEAN hands them over to DOUGLAS BOOTH because it's HIS TURN.
DOUGLAS BOOTH'S SHIP glides gracefully through a PLANETARY RING all pretty-like while the ship's ENGINEER writes yet another note saying HEY ASSHOLES, STOP DRIVING THROUGH SPACE CRAP FOR NO FUCKING REASON, YOU'RE NOT THE ONE THAT HAS TO UNCLOG ALL THE SOLAR FINS OKAY. The ship proceeds to DOCK underneath a NINE-MILLION-POUND CHANDELIER.
Welcome Mila. Sorry if I kept you waiting, I was floating uselessly inside a sphere of moaning women.
Yeah well, I learned your entire 300-page Code of Conduct on my way here, so I know you can't just kidnap me and shit.
Good point. Now let's ignore that, forget the Code ever existed, and never mention it again.
Meanwhile CHANNING gets put in a HOLE beneath STEEL POLES jutting out every which way.
FOOLS! You think this can hold ME?!?
DOUGLAS invites MILA to SPACE DINNER so she finds a LEATHER FETISH DRESS, feeds it to WILD COYOTES and then WEARS it.
Now that I've stuffed you full of food, allow me to explain that the people we harvest get processed into the anti-aging goop you saw earlier. Which means Tuppence was bathing in liquified corpses.
If you die, Earth will belong to Eddie again. You should marry me so that can't happen. Since you have my Mom's genetic code, we can use these five thousand "YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO DOUGLAS AND HIS OWN MOTHER'S WEDDING" cards I keep under my diary in my private safe.
I dunno, I remember having a friend in sexy underwear who was gonna do something like this and it seemed bad. Plus you like kidnapped me and have your OWN personal stockpile of corpse-goo. Also I remembered something about this guy Channing who like saved my life and is now missing and shit.
Oh right. Why didn't I use our mindwipe tech to make you forget all about him? Hm, well, he got super promoted! He went to live on a farm with Grandpa, that's it!
Oh okay then.
Don't worry Mila, this is a purely bureaucratic step, a mere business contract. Now put this bonsai Christmas tree on your head while I arrange 3,000 simulated wedding guests in our five-storey cathedral.
While MILA goes for three hours of makeup and costuming, DOUGLAS goes to deal with CHANNING.
Bwah ha ha, after marrying Mila I'm going to kill her and own Earth! Which really makes you wonder why I'm making the wedding so elaborate. But first, Channing, I'm going to airlock you! And I sure hope you don't press the "RELEASE SPACESUITS" button when I do that! Prepare to die!
CHANNING gets into a SUIT and sends out a distress signal, which allows NIKKI and the COPS to RESCUE him mere moments before BLUE MICHAEL ROOKER can. They track down DOUGLAS just as his FLASH GORDON WEDDING is starting!
Damn, they've deployed their incomprehensible CGI defences! Oh hey, I'm a good guy again.
We've got no choice but to get into fighter ships and fly through whatever the fuck that is!
CHANNING and SEAN fly into the CGI BUKKAKE and GLOOB BLOBBY FLORP SPLORG CHANNING gets on board in time! He SWOOPS IN to the rescue!
Mila no, he's trying to Frozen you!
(taking eye drops)
Huh? Deal's off, loser.
Phew, crisis averted! We can all breathe easier now even though Sean is still outside fighting drones and shipguns and shit. Seriously, let's not give a single fuck what's happening to him right now, but stand around giving meaningful looks and--
OH MY GOD get me out of here and into a new outfit already.
INT. COP SHIP
MILA changes clothes again and puts on new makeup again and fixes her hair again and then sits in her room until CHANNING arrives.
(walking into glass door)
I'm glad you're safe Mila
(slipping on banana peel)
I love dogs so fuck me
(falls into stack of boxes)
(fingers caught in mousetrap)
But I killed this guy once and I have tragedy and stuff
(knocks over buffet table)
INT. EARTH - MILA'S WACKY FAMILY'S PLACE
Back on Earth, it turns out MILA'S FAMILY has been kidnapped by the DINO-MINIONS!
Indeed! Mila, you must come with me to Jupiter to sign over ownership of Earth, using a gizmo that I could have with me right here and now, and there'd be no way to save your family, and we would immediately win, and we suck.
They all fly to JUPITER. Since our heroes are wary of further treachery, MILA flies alone with the bad guys and EVERYONE ELSE stays on the COP SHIP. Sure enough, EDDIE closes the atmospheric portal to his lair before the COPS can get through!
Argh, he cop-blocked us! Shit!
INT. EDDIE'S JUPITER LAIR
MILA is taken to see EDDIE who is engaging in FIFTH ELEMENT GARY OLDMAN cosplay on his grandmother's hovercouch that he finally took the plastic off of.
Thank you, guards. I assume you liberated Mila of her various weapons?
Ah, well she didn't actually have anything on her, so...
You're kidding. No guns, no rocket boots, no secret jar of bees even?!? Even fucking DEFENDOR had a jar of wasps, and he was legally incompetent!! What kind of useless cutout placeholder ARE you?
Very well. Abdicate at once, or these comically over-elaborate Swiss Army knives will kill your entire family! But if you cooperate, and give me back the right to murder all Earthlings, you'll be free to return to Earth.
Hrmph? Family's lives in exchange for billions dead? Sounds legit, where do I sign.
Waaaaaaait a second... if WE'RE on Earth... and you kill everyone ON Earth... THAT would mean...
Almost had it. One sec.
Oh for fuck's sake! I guess we'll just knock you out and scan your official arm-tattoo, which would give us exactly what we want, and we would immediately win, but of COURSE, no we won't. We'll just wait.
(blowing bubble gum)
Okay hang on. So WE get to return to Earth... and THEN... you MURDER all of Earth... so...
...so we would be...
...do I get a telescope?
INT. SPACE COP SHIP
Too bad we're not saving Mila right now. I guess maybe SOOOOMEBODY could do it... someone whose genes weren't spliced with a BIG GIANT PUUUUUSSSYYY...
Dammit, are you seriously trying to goad me into flying a lone craft through a sea of CGI bullshit, to rescue Mila seconds before she commits to a fatal business contract?!? We JUST FUCKING DID EXACTLY THAT LIKE TEN FUCKING MINUTES AGO!
WELL WE'RE FUCKING DOING IT AGAIN OKAY?!?
CHANNING flies a single-man ship downwards, PUNCTURING the defence dome thing and CRASHING! Naturally EDDIE'S ENTIRE JUPITER BASE begins to experience COMPLETE STRUCTURAL FAILURE.
Oh shit the containment bubble is compromised! Guess we should all get ready to be summarily crushed by the way higher gravity, if the toxic atmosphere and monster hurricane don't kill us first!
No, apparently the structure will just fall down and explode, like every other villain lair ever. But since we're on Jupiter it will at least be more orange than usual.
Why the fuck did we even put our base here in the first place?!? Jupiter's got plenty of large moons that would be several million times less deadly. Or what with our ridiculous mindwipe abilities, we could probably have just rented office space in downtown L.A. or something.
CHANNING SWOOPS IN and starts fighting the DINO-MINIONS while MILA does a COMMODORE-64-IMPOSSIBLE-MISSION jog while trying to remember the walk-through sequence for this level.
One-two-three-FIRE-turn! One-two-three-four-FIRE-stop! Left-right-up-elevator!
CHANNING defeats all the DINO-MINIONS and then rescues MILA'S entire extended family ONE PERSON AT A GODDAMN TIME while the COPS sit around JERKING IT, including their pilot ELEPHANT GUY.
Yes, I'm a hybrid too! Because when you want to create a species for handling delicate navigation equipment, you immediately think of giant round stumpy limbs! Plus we never forget, though I sure wish I could forget THIS crapfest, amirite?!? High five! I mean, one!
(is best character in movie)
Meanwhile MILA comes face-to-face with EDDIE!
Bwah ha ha! Now for the epic showdown between the scrawny, whimpering milquetoast, and the bland, passive figurehead!
Okay, so you're like, defeated now.
(plummeting to death)
FUUUUUUCK MEEEEE I SURE HOPE THE OSCAR VOTING ALREADY HAPPENNNEEEED
Having finally achieved ONE THING, MILA then falls off a platform so that CHANNING can SWOOP IN AND GRAB HER, JUST ONE LAST TIME! They reach the COP SHIP and ESCAPE!
Woah, I'm still a good guy AND still alive!? This movie really IS crazy!!
(updating Facebook status)
What's up peeps, I'm safely back in Earth orbit with my dog toy Channing and our new BFFs, the heavily armed police force loyal to a society built on mass genocide.
EXT. BACK ON EARTH
MILA uses her newfound status as QUEEN OF EARTH to do UTTERLY JACK SHIT to improve her family's life in any way whatsoever.
Yup, back to cleaning toilets, but I'm super happy because now it's slumming, which is a thing queens do, so yay me?
In other news, I've been restored to my former rank of Falcon from The Avengers!
Cool. Lemme see your rocket boots, I wanna try them.
Are we going to start working on a plan to save those billions of innocent lives, on all those other planets about to be harvested?
Mila, if we don't do something then Tuppence will just sit back and wait for you to die of old age, while she keeps herself young another 9000 years. So...
I mean she's slaughtering entire populations as I speak and...