FADE IN:

INT. USS KELVIN – THE FUTURE

CAPTAIN FARAN TAHIR watches as a BROKEN WICKER BASKET MADE OF METAL emerges from a BLACK HOLE.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Captain, are you seeing this?

FARAN TAHIR

No, all I can see are fucking lens flares!  Did someone just discover Photoshop in 1998 or something?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Sir, I think it’s just a trick to make everyone who downloads the movie think it was a bad capture and delete it.

Suddenly, ERIC BANA appears on a screen.

ERIC BANA

I demand that your captain board my random-looking bundling of metal spikes and slightly curved surfaces.

FARAN TAHIR

Seeing as how the only way an in-person discussion differs from what we’re doing now is that the former offers you a way to kill me, I’ll go ahead and comply.

He DOES, and ERIC kills him.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Alright, that makes me captain.  Someone get my wife to an escape pod while she delivers my son.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH’S WIFE

Chris, no!  You have to come with me, a lack of a father figure will surely turn our son into an insufferable douchebag.

FADE IN:

INT. SKYNET BASE

CHRISTIAN BALE and a team of ROBOT FODDER break into a SKYNET military base which, despite the fact that it is made for machines instead of humans, is designed to make it easy for humans to move around.

CHRISTIAN BALE

It looks like Skynet is taking human prisoners. Something’s different. This isn’t the future my mother warned me about. That future definitely had lasers, I’m sure of it. That future would have been totally sweet.

MICHAEL IRONSIDE

Bale! You’re a loose cannon! You’ve destroyed over half the city! I’ve got the mayor breathing down my neck!

CHRISTIAN leaves the BASE only to discover a bunch of TERMINATORS taking more humans prisoner.

CHRISTIAN BALE

I must chase after them! If only there were an easily damageable vehicle that, when damaged, would maximize my chance of fatality! Oh, a helicopter, perfect!

CHRISTIAN grabs a HELICOPTER, which results in a CRASH that somehow leaves him unscathed. A CRIPPLED TERMINATOR chases him, but it is killed by BULLETS. Plain old, regular BULLETS. The kind that couldn’t kill TERMINATORS in the other movies.

FADE IN:

INT. A HOUSE – CANADA, 1845

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN, who kind of resembles the kid from FREAKS AND GEEKS, is sick in bed.  His brother, YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER, glowers over him while his father, PETER O’BRIEN, looks on.

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

Father!  I had a terrible nightmare!  I was hosting the Oscars, and I was part of this incredibly embarrassing musical number and–

PETER O’BRIEN

Shh, it’s alright son.  You’re safe now, back in Canada in 1845.

YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN

Wait, what?  Canada wasn’t even a country until 1867.  Has Hollywood managed to not discover Wikipedia yet?

Suddenly, there is a RUCKUS downstairs.

PETER O’BRIEN

It sounds like your brother’s biological father is downstairs.  I’ll be back in a minute, barring some tragic death that you’d expect to shape the very hairy man you will become but won’t.

He goes downstairs and is SHOT.  YOUNG HUGH, who suddenly doesn’t seem to be bedridden with illness, runs downstairs.  Seeing PETER dead, his knuckles get an ERECTION and he stabs YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER’S father, AARON JEFFERY.

AARON JEFFERY

He wasn’t your father.  I was.  You’ll have awesome mutton chops.

(dies)

FADE IN:

EXT. LOS ANGELES

PAUL RUDD proposes to his girlfriend, KAREN FILIPELLI.

KAREN FILIPELLI

I’m so excited to marry you, Blandy McNobody! Who is going to be your best man?

PAUL RUDD

Oh no, I don’t have any really good male friends, so I have no best man! What a humorously relatable situation! I’ll go ask my brother, Andy Samberg, for advice!

KAREN FILIPELLI

Wait, you have a brother?

PAUL RUDD

Yeah. He’s gay, which is funny.

KAREN FILIPELLI

Why not just make him your best man?

PAUL RUDD

Oh. Er, right. That was easy. I guess the movie’s over.

KAREN FILIPELLI

Guess so.

JASON SEGEL

Am I the new Will Ferrell yet?

END

FADE IN:

INT. JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN’S APARTMENT

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN watches his television, which is broadcasting what appears to be a SHITTY SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKETCH featuring impersonations of PAT BUCHANAN, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, and RICHARD NIXON IF HE WAS MADE ENTIRELY OF MAKEUP.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Gosh, things sure have been an alternate 1985 ever since superheroes helped win the Vietnam War and Nixon was re-elected three times!

Suddenly, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE breaks into the apartment, pummels JEFFREY, and forces himself to not utter a single sound so as to not give his identity away, despite the fact that JEFFREY seems to know it.

JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN

Wait! Don’t kill me!  I need to bleed onto my yellow smiley face button at an awkward angle so that the raging Watchmen fanbois in the audience are placated.

(bleeds)

Okay, ready.

RABID FANBOIS

Boo. The blood splatter is four degrees off.

The MYSTERIOUS FIGURE tosses JEFFREY out a window.  This is done in SLOW MOTION, of course, because DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER has the BRAIN OF A CHIMP.

FADE IN:

INT. CLINT EASTWOOD’S HOUSE – DETROIT, OH

CLINT EASTWOOD’S FAMILY mills around his home after a funeral for his wife.  He is approached by his wife’s priest, CHRISTOPHER CARLEY.

CHRISTOPHER CARLEY

I notice you’re walking around grumbling and scowling at everything.  Maybe you should come to confession, you seem like a relentlessly miserable asshole.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

Yeah well, at least I don’t look like Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter’s kid. Grr.

CLINT goes to his garage and finds his granddaughter, DREAMA WALKER, smoking a cigarette.

DREAMA WALKER

Hey, you sure have a nice car.

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

This is my prized possession, a 1972 Gran Torino.  I helped build these on the assembly line, which I guess means I commuted 2 hours to work since they were built in Lorain, not Detroit where I live.

DREAMA WALKER

That’s cool.  You know, I need a car in college.  You planning on giving this to me when you, you know, Million Dollar Baby it out of here?

CLINT EASTWOOD

(scowling)

Seriously?  Not even the most disrespectful little asswipe in the world would ask her grandfather to his face what she’ll get when he dies.  Who directed this shit?

DREAMA WALKER

You did.  I could also use your belt sander and your reciprocating saw, too.

FADE IN:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NEW ORLEANS – 2005

CATE BLANCHETT IN GEEZER MAKEUP talks to her daughter, JULIA ORMOND.

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

My dear, I want you to ignore the storm outside that may or may not be Hurricane Katrina so I can tell you a wonderful story of fantastical whimsy.  A story about a man who was born old and grew younger!

JULIA ORMOND

That does sound whimsical!  I sure hope it doesn’t wind up devolving into a pointless self-important 3-hour mass of melodramatic sentimentality!

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

Oh. That’s unfortunate. Anyway, once upon a time, some guy made a clock that ran backwards.

JULIA ORMOND

What does that have to do with the “man born old and grows young” story?

CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)

The what?  Look, I’m older than dirt now, I just ramble.  Here, read from this diary.

JULIA reads from the diary of BRAD PITT.  For some reason the diary includes details of his birth.

FADE IN:

EXT. NORTHERN AUSTRALIA

NICOLE KIDMAN is taking INDIANA-JONES-TRANSITION-AIRLINES to AUSTRALIA to help sell her husbands CATTLE RANCH, FARAWAY DOWNS. She runs into HUGH JACKMAN doing manly things like fighting.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Excuse me, I’m looking for someone with an adamantium skeleton to help me get to my husband’s cattle ranch. Would you mind?

HUGH JACKMAN

Sure thing, love. Let me jus’ bash yer suitcase over some fella’s head like this is a Tom ‘n’ Jerry cartoon.

NICOLE KIDMAN

You’re not going to do that overblown phony Australian accent the whole movie, are you?

HUGH JACKMAN

Actually, I’m originally from Australia just like you. This is an authentic accent, we actually sound like this.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Australia sucks.

HUGH JACKMAN

Funny, that’s exactly what everyone’s been saying when they leave the movie theater.

FADE IN:

EXT. WASHINGTON

KRISTEN STEWART goes to FORKS, WASHINGTON.

KRISTEN STEWART (V.O.)

Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Stephenie Meyer, er I mean Kristen Stewart. She was so awesome that her awesomeness couldn’t be contained in Arizona, so she moved to Washington to stay with her father, who was totally lame and not cool.

BILLY BURKE

Hey honey. I’m super lame. I got you a car, but it’s totally uncool because I’m totally uncool.

KRISTEN STEWART

Thanks Dad, or whatever. Time for my first day at a new school. Since every coming-of-age story requires the main character be a social outcast, I suppose I’ll have to endure being the unpopular new girl until I do something that proves my worth.

KRISTEN goes to school and is INSTANTLY POPULAR AND BELOVED.