FADE IN:

INT. JAPANESE CASTLE THING

LEONARDO DICAPRIO awakens on a BEACH and meets KEN WATANABE IN AWFUL OLD-PERSON MAKEUP.  After some cryptic words, we cut to KEN no longer wearing the makeup, and also JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT is there.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

I can help train you to maintain control while you dream, Ken.  No guys with razor gloves, no ex-girlfriends you’re trying to erase, and absolutely no Jennifer Lopez.

KEN WATANABE

What makes you so confident, Romeo?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Because I’m the best there is.  Except when a tragedy involving my wife’s death that haunts me daily prevents me from focusing on my job, at which point I’m pretty much the worst there is.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

This sounds familiar.  You didn’t accidentally bring your Shutter Island script, did you?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

Nah, just the main character in a Christopher Nolan movie, so the love of my life is dead.

MARION COTILLARD

Hello Leonardo, it’s me, the mental projection of your wife.  Now I’m going to loosen the rope you use to rappel, tell Ken Watanabe he’s dreaming, and shoot your partner.  Suck it, hubby!

KEN WATANABE

So this is a dream!  I should have known something was up in the other room when I was naked in the middle of Calculus.

Everyone WAKES UP.

FADE IN:

EXT. A BEAUTIFUL MEADOW

KRISTEN STEWART lies among the PURPLE ASTER as ROBERT PATTINSON gently runs his fingers through her OBVIOUS WIG.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Oh Kristen, I can’t believe how in love with you I am.

KRISTEN STEWART

I can’t believe this is the first scene in a movie about vampires and werewolves. I feel like I’m outside of Kensington Palace after Princess Diana died.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Marry me, Kristen. Where I come from, that’s how you show someone you love them.

KRISTEN STEWART

Where you come from? You’re not a fucking time-traveler, you were around for the sexual revolution. It’s 2010, I can show you I love you just by giving you an ass pass.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Why won’t you marry me? Is it because you know my career is over after these shitty movies are done?

KRISTEN STEWART

It’s not that. I’m just not ready at 18 to make a decision that will last me the rest of my life. Now, when are you going to turn me into a bloodthirsty immortal vampire?

FADE IN:

EXT. MEXICO

QUENTIN JACKSON is driving a SOCCER MOM’S VAN down a random desert road.  Suddenly, he is accosted by LIAM NEESON.

QUENTIN JACKSON

Leave me alone, I swear I didn’t kidnap your daughter, foo!

LIAM NEESON

Listen, my plan requires a black guy with a mohawk, do you plan on helping me with my plan?

QUENTIN JACKSON

Foo, I tried to grow a mohawk but it came out looking like this!

LIAM NEESON

It’s good enough, you make up for it with the maze of pubic hair all over your face.  Plan, ho!

They rescue BRADLEY COOPER as he makes SARCASTIC QUIPS about FUCKING EVERYTHING.  They then make their way to a hospital.

FADE IN:

INT. OVER-THE-TOP WEDDING

SARAH JESSICA PARKER, KRISTIN DAVIS, CYNTHIA NIXON, and KIM CATTRALL attend the wedding of WILLIE GARSON and MARIO CANTONE.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Wow, this wedding could only be gayer if the groomsmen were all fisting each other.  I will ruminate on this introspectively and eventually use it to comment on how difficult it is to find a partner in New York.

KRISTIN DAVIS

Well I think it’s nice!  Weddings are just super-swell!

CYNTHIA NIXON

I’M TOO BUSY LAWYERING TO ENJOY THIS WEDDING! LAWYERING THE LAW IS A LOT OF WORK! CAREER!

KIM CATTRALL

If I don’t gargle some balls in the next ten seconds I’m going to shove this wine bottle in my ass.

FADE IN:

EXT. DOWNEY JR. EXPO – FLUSHING, NY

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. jumps out of an airplane without talking to GWYNETH PALTROW, deleting everyone’s favorite scene from the trailer.  He lands on stage at his company’s exhibition.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

(cocky)

Good evening, film extras!  As you know, this is where I show off cool new technology from my company as well as establish the fact that my entire character arc from the last film has been rewound back to when I started as an arrogant, selfish ass!

GWYNETH PALTROW

Robert, in between my incessant nagging I need to tell you that you’ve been subpoenaed to appear on the Larry Sanders show.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

I respond with confident sarcasm. I’ll fly to Washington just after a superfluous cameo by Larry Ellison.

LARRY ELLISON

That’s right assholes, I plastered my bullshit all over the Java API and now I’m in your comic book movies too!  BOW BEFORE THE ALL-POWERFUL ORACLE!

FADE IN:

INT. FILM STUDIO

AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS is having a lunch meeting with DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK.

AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS

So I just finished my book.  It’s a 288-page tome about the ways that offensive strategy in football has changed in the last twenty years. It also talks a bit about this guy named Michael Oher who became a pro football player despite having a difficult life.

DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK

Wait, did you say difficult life?

AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS

Yeah, he’s a big black guy that was born into poverty but overcame it.

DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK

DID HE DO IT WITH THE HELP OF WHITE PEOPLE?!

AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS

Actually yeah, but the book–

DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK

SELL ME THE RIGHTS, OSCAR SEASON IS COMING!

AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS

Seriously?  How are you going to make a movie about football?

DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK

Foot-what?

Continue Reading »

FADE IN:

EXT. VICTORIAN PARTY

MIA WASIKOWSKA and her mother, LINDSAY DUNCAN, arrive at a party.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

I hate these parties!  And I hate corsets!  I’m so progressive, clearly what I need is a place to go that isn’t Victorian England! Like Edwardian England!

LINDSAY DUNCAN

What a peculiar thing to say!  You’re a peculiar girl!  Just in case any audience members forgot they are watching a Tim Burton movie, the main character doesn’t fit in!

LEO BILL

Mia, I’d like to marry you even though you’re so peculiar and I am not! Oops, nosebleed, excuse me.

Suddenly, MIA sees a CARTOON RABBIT checking his pocket watch.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Oh my goodness!  A CGI creature that apparently has been created to in no way resemble an actual rabbit!  I must follow it.

She DOES.  She falls down a hole for a few minutes in order to force the film’s running time up to feature-length.

FADE IN:

INT. JAIL

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. and JUDE LAW go to see MARK STRONG in JAIL.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Ah, diabolical Lord Mark Strong.  Glad to see you’re finally going to be hanged for all of those murders you committed in a movie that would have probably been more entertaining than this one.

MARK STRONG

Curse you, Downey!  I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you and your meddling sidekick!

JUDE LAW

My mustache disapproves of your murderous ways.

MARK STRONG

This isn’t over, Downey!  The movie is just starting and I’ve been in way too many Guy Ritchie movies to die this early!

He is HANGED, U.S. style for some reason.

FADE IN:

INT. SPACESHIP

SAM WORTHINGTON awakens from cryogenic sleep as the PILOT comes onto the radio.

PILOT

Alright everyone, we’re now arriving at Pandora.

SAM WORTHINGTON

Pandora?  No wonder I keep hearing the same twenty songs over and over again.

SAM exits his tiny cryogenic tube and stretches his legs.

SAM WORTHINGTON (V.O.)

Air travel has been pretty restrictive since the Christmas underwear bomber.  Anyway, it’s 2149 and I’m about to continue my dead brother’s work to help Giovanni Ribisi make enough money to buy some new vowels for his last name.  Oh, and I’ll be occasionally dropping some voiceover exposition, because what would lazy storytelling be without voiceover?