By Rod | Jun 28th, 2009 |
Comments
When I first transitioned The Editing Room over to Wordpress, I decided I’d leave the comments system enabled. Initially I did this on the assumption people may want to leave a comment to tell me what a stupid asshole I am for telling them their favorite movies suck (they do), so the default ‘ladder-style’ (one comment below another below another) seemed fine.
As of The Dark Knight script, it started becoming clear that the comments were extremely active, and 300 comments was far too many to tack onto the end of the page in ladder-style, so I started paginating the comments.
Since that script, I’ve observed that the comments have little to do with me or my dumbass scripts, but in fact are a growing community of people who like to discuss the movies being abridged (as well as tell me what a stupid asshole I am). Because the comments contain discussion and discussion is hard to follow over a paginated system, I’ve decided that the existing comment system is not sufficient.
Thus I am migrating to IntenseDebate for comments. IntenseDebate allows for people to have profiles, follow comment threads via RSS, vote comments up or down and, most importantly, reply directly to other comments. Conversations remain threaded. Additionally, I am moving the comments off of the posts and into a popup window so that they can all be on a single page.
There are a number of improvements I realize I need to make to the new comment system relating to functionality as well as look and feel. If you have feedback about the new system, please leave a comment on this post. I’ll be making changes in the coming weeks so that it can be something with which we’re all happy.
Thanks for your patience.
UPDATE: Just in case anyone is interested, I decided while I was mucking around with the site that I’d put some time into two things I’ve been wanting to do for a while. So, first and foremost, there’s a new logo for the site. Second, if you now visit the archives page (or the categorical archives to the left) you’ll find that you can actually sort by name, rating, and date. Enjoy!
By Rod | Jun 18th, 2009 |
Comments | Movie: 

Kirk and Spock refuse to so much as look at the crew's crappy Christmas decorations.
FADE IN:
INT. USS KELVIN – THE FUTURE
CAPTAIN FARAN TAHIR watches as a BROKEN WICKER BASKET MADE OF METAL emerges from a BLACK HOLE.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Captain, are you seeing this?
FARAN TAHIR
No, all I can see are fucking lens flares! Did someone just discover Photoshop in 1998 or something?
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Sir, I think it’s just a trick to make everyone who downloads the movie think it was a bad capture and delete it.
Suddenly, ERIC BANA appears on a screen.
ERIC BANA
I demand that your captain board my random-looking bundling of metal spikes and slightly curved surfaces.
FARAN TAHIR
Seeing as how the only way an in-person discussion differs from what we’re doing now is that the former offers you a way to kill me, I’ll go ahead and comply.
He DOES, and ERIC kills him.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Alright, that makes me captain. Someone get my wife to an escape pod while she delivers my son.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH’S WIFE
Chris, no! You have to come with me, a lack of a father figure will surely turn our son into an insufferable douchebag.
Continue Reading »
By Rod | Jun 6th, 2009 |
Comments | Movie: 

John Connor lingers just a bit too long after walking in on a T-600 taking a leak.
This script was featured on Cracked.com. To read it there, follow this link.
FADE IN:
INT. SKYNET BASE
CHRISTIAN BALE and a team of ROBOT FODDER break into a SKYNET military base which, despite the fact that it is made for machines instead of humans, is designed to make it easy for humans to move around.
CHRISTIAN BALE
It looks like Skynet is taking human prisoners. Something’s different. This isn’t the future my mother warned me about. That future definitely had lasers, I’m sure of it. That future would have been totally sweet.
MICHAEL IRONSIDE
Bale! You’re a loose cannon! You’ve destroyed over half the city! I’ve got the mayor breathing down my neck!
CHRISTIAN leaves the BASE only to discover a bunch of TERMINATORS taking more humans prisoner.
CHRISTIAN BALE
I must chase after them! If only there were an easily damageable vehicle that, when damaged, would maximize my chance of fatality! Oh, a helicopter, perfect!
CHRISTIAN grabs a HELICOPTER, which results in a CRASH that somehow leaves him unscathed. A CRIPPLED TERMINATOR chases him, but it is killed by BULLETS. Plain old, regular BULLETS. The kind that couldn’t kill TERMINATORS in the other movies.
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By Rod | May 6th, 2009 |
Comments | Movie: 

Hugh Jackman discovers a poorly placed water jet in his hot tub.
FADE IN:
INT. A HOUSE – CANADA, 1845
YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN, who kind of resembles the kid from FREAKS AND GEEKS, is sick in bed. His brother, YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER, glowers over him while his father, PETER O’BRIEN, looks on.
YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN
Father! I had a terrible nightmare! I was hosting the Oscars, and I was part of this incredibly embarrassing musical number and–
PETER O’BRIEN
Shh, it’s alright son. You’re safe now, back in Canada in 1845.
YOUNG HUGH JACKMAN
Wait, what? Canada wasn’t even a country until 1867. Has Hollywood managed to not discover Wikipedia yet?
Suddenly, there is a RUCKUS downstairs.
PETER O’BRIEN
It sounds like your brother’s biological father is downstairs. I’ll be back in a minute, barring some tragic death that you’d expect to shape the very hairy man you will become but won’t.
He goes downstairs and is SHOT. YOUNG HUGH, who suddenly doesn’t seem to be bedridden with illness, runs downstairs. Seeing PETER dead, his knuckles get an ERECTION and he stabs YOUNG LIEV SCHREIBER’S father, AARON JEFFERY.
AARON JEFFERY
He wasn’t your father. I was. You’ll have awesome mutton chops.
(dies)
Continue Reading »
By Rod | Apr 23rd, 2009 |
Comments | Movie: 

Jason Segel points out audience members that think they are watching an Apatow movie.
FADE IN:
EXT. LOS ANGELES
PAUL RUDD proposes to his girlfriend, KAREN FILIPELLI.
KAREN FILIPELLI
I’m so excited to marry you, Blandy McNobody! Who is going to be your best man?
PAUL RUDD
Oh no, I don’t have any really good male friends, so I have no best man! What a humorously relatable situation! I’ll go ask my brother, Andy Samberg, for advice!
KAREN FILIPELLI
Wait, you have a brother?
PAUL RUDD
Yeah. He’s gay, which is funny.
KAREN FILIPELLI
Why not just make him your best man?
PAUL RUDD
Oh. Er, right. That was easy. I guess the movie’s over.
KAREN FILIPELLI
Guess so.
JASON SEGEL
Am I the new Will Ferrell yet?
END
By Rod | Apr 14th, 2009 |
Comments | Movie: 

Rorschach proactively installs a rotisserie spit in Alan Moore's future grave.
FADE IN:
INT. JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN’S APARTMENT
JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN watches his television, which is broadcasting what appears to be a SHITTY SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKETCH featuring impersonations of PAT BUCHANAN, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, and RICHARD NIXON IF HE WAS MADE ENTIRELY OF MAKEUP.
JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN
Gosh, things sure have been an alternate 1985 ever since superheroes helped win the Vietnam War and Nixon was re-elected three times!
Suddenly, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE breaks into the apartment, pummels JEFFREY, and forces himself to not utter a single sound so as to not give his identity away, despite the fact that JEFFREY seems to know it.
JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN
Wait! Don’t kill me! I need to bleed onto my yellow smiley face button at an awkward angle so that the raging Watchmen fanbois in the audience are placated.
(bleeds)
Okay, ready.
RABID FANBOIS
Boo. The blood splatter is four degrees off.
The MYSTERIOUS FIGURE tosses JEFFREY out a window. This is done in SLOW MOTION, of course, because DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER has the BRAIN OF A CHIMP.
Continue Reading »
By Rod | Mar 11th, 2009 |
Comments | Movie: 

Clint Eastwod will defend with lethal force his right to pull his pants up to his chest.
FADE IN:
INT. CLINT EASTWOOD’S HOUSE – DETROIT, OH
CLINT EASTWOOD’S FAMILY mills around his home after a funeral for his wife. He is approached by his wife’s priest, CHRISTOPHER CARLEY.
CHRISTOPHER CARLEY
I notice you’re walking around grumbling and scowling at everything. Maybe you should come to confession, you seem like a relentlessly miserable asshole.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
Yeah well, at least I don’t look like Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter’s kid. Grr.
CLINT goes to his garage and finds his granddaughter, DREAMA WALKER, smoking a cigarette.
DREAMA WALKER
Hey, you sure have a nice car.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
This is my prized possession, a 1972 Gran Torino. I helped build these on the assembly line, which I guess means I commuted 2 hours to work since they were built in Lorain, not Detroit where I live.
DREAMA WALKER
That’s cool. You know, I need a car in college. You planning on giving this to me when you, you know, Million Dollar Baby it out of here?
CLINT EASTWOOD
(scowling)
Seriously? Not even the most disrespectful little asswipe in the world would ask her grandfather to his face what she’ll get when he dies. Who directed this shit?
DREAMA WALKER
You did. I could also use your belt sander and your reciprocating saw, too.
Continue Reading »
By Rod | Feb 11th, 2009 |
Comments | Movie: 

Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett plan the worst double date ever.
FADE IN:
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NEW ORLEANS – 2005
CATE BLANCHETT IN GEEZER MAKEUP talks to her daughter, JULIA ORMOND.
CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)
My dear, I want you to ignore the storm outside that may or may not be Hurricane Katrina so I can tell you a wonderful story of fantastical whimsy. A story about a man who was born old and grew younger!
JULIA ORMOND
That does sound whimsical! I sure hope it doesn’t wind up devolving into a pointless self-important 3-hour mass of melodramatic sentimentality!
CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)
Oh. That’s unfortunate. Anyway, once upon a time, some guy made a clock that ran backwards.
JULIA ORMOND
What does that have to do with the “man born old and grows young” story?
CATE BLANCHETT (GEEZER)
The what? Look, I’m older than dirt now, I just ramble. Here, read from this diary.
JULIA reads from the diary of BRAD PITT. For some reason the diary includes details of his birth.
Continue Reading »
By Rod | Jan 21st, 2009 |
Comments | Movie: 

"Tee-hee, water is wet!"
FADE IN:
EXT. NORTHERN AUSTRALIA
NICOLE KIDMAN is taking INDIANA-JONES-TRANSITION-AIRLINES to AUSTRALIA to help sell her husbands CATTLE RANCH, FARAWAY DOWNS. She runs into HUGH JACKMAN doing manly things like fighting.
NICOLE KIDMAN
Excuse me, I’m looking for someone with an adamantium skeleton to help me get to my husband’s cattle ranch. Would you mind?
HUGH JACKMAN
Sure thing, love. Let me jus’ bash yer suitcase over some fella’s head like this is a Tom ‘n’ Jerry cartoon.
NICOLE KIDMAN
You’re not going to do that overblown phony Australian accent the whole movie, are you?
HUGH JACKMAN
Actually, I’m originally from Australia just like you. This is an authentic accent, we actually sound like this.
NICOLE KIDMAN
Australia sucks.
HUGH JACKMAN
Funny, that’s exactly what everyone’s been saying when they leave the movie theater.
Continue Reading »
By Rod | Dec 13th, 2008 |
Comments | Movie: 

Pedophiles: please do not bring printouts of this web page to middle schools.
This script was featured on Cracked.com, so you can also read it there.
Apparently some folks have started actually filming this Abridged Script. You can see the trailer for it on YouTube.
FADE IN:
EXT. WASHINGTON
KRISTEN STEWART goes to FORKS, WASHINGTON.
KRISTEN STEWART (V.O.)
Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Stephenie Meyer, er I mean Kristen Stewart. She was so awesome that her awesomeness couldn’t be contained in Arizona, so she moved to Washington to stay with her father, who was totally lame and not cool.
BILLY BURKE
Hey honey. I’m super lame. I got you a car, but it’s totally uncool because I’m totally uncool.
KRISTEN STEWART
Thanks Dad, or whatever. Time for my first day at a new school. Since every coming-of-age story requires the main character be a social outcast, I suppose I’ll have to endure being the unpopular new girl until I do something that proves my worth.
KRISTEN goes to school and is INSTANTLY POPULAR AND BELOVED.
Continue Reading »