The Editing Room - Abridged Scripts for Movies
Welcome to The Editing Room, home of the original Abridged Script. What's an Abridged Script, you ask? Think of them like Cliff's Notes for popular movies, except that Cliff is an asshole because he thinks your favorite movie sucks.
The Abridged Script
INT. GREENHOUSE...I THINK?
There are like... worms, and pigs, and... there are these people who are the pigs, because their brains are all... look, I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I just watched. Give me a minute.
(SEVERAL WEEKS PASS)
Okay, I think I get it now.
INT. YES, GREENHOUSE
THIAGO MARTINS has discovered a type of ROUNDWORM that causes PSYCHIC POWERS.
Holy shit, if two people drink the microscopic blue spores or whatever it is that comes out of this worm, they get psychically connected with each other! This is one of the most incredible scientific discoveries in human history! ...But if I administer the spores in a very specific way, they put the subject into a highly suggestible trance state, JUST LIKE MANY EXISTING DRUGS!!! That's CLEARLY the aspect that I should pursue here.
He abducts AMY SEIMETZ and DRUGS HER WITH THE SPORES.
All right, now to keep you as a drugged-up hostage in your own home.
But if I go missing for several days or weeks or some unclear amount of time, isn't my home the obvious first place people will come look for me?
MY SCHEME MAKES SENSE. YOU FEEL NO NEED TO QUESTION MY SCHEME.
Makes... sense... yes...
Now I will control you into liquidating all of your financial assets and turning them over to me... but first, a bunch of bizarre random junk like making you copy out the entire text of Walden and make a paper chain out of it.
Well - maybe that's just for when you need to keep me occupied for some amount of time? I mean, it's not like you can just tell me to stare at a painting for hours or anything.
Actually, I have you do exactly that at one point.
...Hm. Okay then, let's just file the Walden thing with about half the movie under the heading, "unexplained crap".
AMY goes to her BANK and gets a home equity line of credit.
Lucky for you we don't mind letting people make important transactions like this while behaving like they're stoned out of their gourds!
And I will also give Thiago access to the stash of gold and guns that I have hidden under my floorboards. Uh, I guess I was preparing for the apocalypse?
THIAGO cleans AMY out and then leaves. The SPORES OR WHATEVER hatch and WORMS GROW UNDER AMY'S SKIN, so now the audience has their nightmares figured out for the next year or so.
EXT. PIG FARM
AMY is drawn by a WEIRD NOISE out to a PIG FARM where FARMER ANDREW SENSENIG is PLAYING HUGE SPEAKERS INTO THE GROUND.
Are we really expecting people to believe I could pick up that sound from like thirty miles away?
Maybe? Are we sure that's even what's happening? I could be playing these things to repel the mole people, for all the clarity we get in this movie.
ANDREW takes the WORMS out of AMY and puts them in a PIG instead.
Now you are psychically connected to this pig. And I will put it with the other pigs, and each day I'll go and sense the psychically-connected pig people, and just sort of watch them do stuff, and that's MY use for this astonishing natural phenomenon. I guess we're not exactly big-picture thinkers around these parts.
ANDREW dumps AMY unconscious in her car in the middle of the freeway. She wakes up with NO MEMORY OF WHAT HAPPENED.
I'm in the middle of nowhere, I'm missing several weeks and I've got unexplained injuries! I better tell people! ...that I've had the flu. For some reason.
She DOES THIS and winds up GETTING FIRED.
INT. SUBWAY, ONE YEAR LATER
AMY meets FELLOW WORM VICTIM SHANE CARRUTH.
Hello. I find myself mysteriously drawn to you.
Likewise. It's like we have a connection. Like, a weird mental link over some kind of psychic pig network.
It doesn't kill the romantic aspect of the movie that what we think is chemistry between us is mostly just our brains being accidentally smushed together, does it?
Nah, there's no healthier basis for a relationship than a shared history of life-destroying trauma we don't even consciously remember.
They go on an indeterminate number of FROWNY, ANXIOUS DATES over an indeterminate period of time.
Huh, isn't it weird how we each always seem to know what the other is doing and feeling even when we're nowhere near one another?
Not as weird as how we can't even keep straight whose childhood memories are whose.
Man, how long are we going to go on like this without figuring out about the whole psychic connection thing?
They proceed to MOVE IN TOGETHER and GET MARRIED while never realizing they essentially LIVE IN THE SAME BRAIN.
Not much of a brain, by the sounds of things.
EXT. PIG FARM
Meanwhile back at the pig farm, AMY AND SHANE'S PIGS are also hooking up and they have PIGLETS, which is all kinds of creepy when you consider the IMPLIED VICARIOUS PIG SEX.
Well, I could just raise the piglets, as this is a pig farm. Or I've got an offer to put them up at a petting zoo. But instead I think I'll just shove 'em in a sack and drown them, for reasons which the audience would surely be able to follow if only they were smarter.
(stares disapprovingly at audience, shaking head slowly and going 'tut tut tut')
He DUMPS THE PIGLETS IN A RIVER. The piglets DROWN and DECOMPOSE and SPORES WASH DOWNSTREAM and GET INTO THE ROOTS OF AN ORCHID and WORMS INFEST THE ROOTS, and it turns out THAT'S WHERE THIAGO GETS THEM.
So that's how he gets a steady, reliable supply? Jesus, how many pigs do I drown anyway?
Shh, I think this is where the movie justifies its title and I'm trying to figure it out... so the orchid gets colored blue because of spores that come from upstream... man, that's obscure.
One day when AMY is COLLECTING ROCKS (for no apparent reason) that are at the bottom of a public swimming pool (for no apparent reason) she starts babbling a bunch of Walden (for no apparent reason).
Luckily I'm here (for no apparent reason) to hear this, and it's niggling my subconscious into finally realizing what the hell is going on with our brains!
Let's use this information to locate the pig farm, somehow!
They find the PIG FARM, and AMY shoots ANDREW.
THAT'S FOR DROWNING MY PSYCHIC PIG BABIES, JERK! Or at least, I think that's my motive for killing you. Your guess is as good as mine, to be honest.
Wow, if this is my comeuppance, I can't imagine what fate awaits Thiago.
Well, since you won't be around to drown any more piglets, that's his brainworm supply cut off, and he's OUT OF BUSINESS, BABY! Ha!
Oh, come on! I get shot in the heart for committing pigleticide, but the brainwashing kidnapper thief who ruined your life just has to stop doing that? No fair!
And now to find the remaining people in the psychic pig network, and we can turn this place into some kind of commune and live happily ever after. I mean, when you kill somebody, you get to keep his stuff, right?
The film is CHOPPED INTO CONFETTI and REASSEMBLED BY BLIND MONKS, causing parody script authors to be only like sixty percent sure that anything they just wrote was accurate.
At least it was easier to follow than Primer.