By Rod | Aug 17th, 2010 |
79 Comments | Movie: 

"Alright guys, this is the last time we use MapQuest instead of Google Maps."
FADE IN:
INT. JAPANESE CASTLE THING
LEONARDO DICAPRIO awakens on a BEACH and meets KEN WATANABE IN AWFUL OLD-PERSON MAKEUP. After some cryptic words, we cut to KEN no longer wearing the makeup, and also JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT is there.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
I can help train you to maintain control while you dream, Ken. No guys with razor gloves, no ex-girlfriends you’re trying to erase, and absolutely no Jennifer Lopez.
KEN WATANABE
What makes you so confident, Romeo?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Because I’m the best there is. Except when a tragedy involving my wife’s death that haunts me daily prevents me from focusing on my job, at which point I’m pretty much the worst there is.
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
This sounds familiar. You didn’t accidentally bring your Shutter Island script, did you?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Nah, just the main character in a Christopher Nolan movie, so the love of my life is dead.
MARION COTILLARD
Hello Leonardo, it’s me, the mental projection of your wife. Now I’m going to loosen the rope you use to rappel, tell Ken Watanabe he’s dreaming, and shoot your partner. Suck it, hubby!
KEN WATANABE
So this is a dream! I should have known something was up in the other room when I was naked in the middle of Calculus.
Everyone WAKES UP.
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By Rod | Jul 31st, 2010 |
31 Comments | Movie: 

Vampirin may not be right for you, consult your physician.
This script was featured on Cracked.com. To read it there, follow this link.
FADE IN:
EXT. A BEAUTIFUL MEADOW
KRISTEN STEWART lies among the PURPLE ASTER as ROBERT PATTINSON gently runs his fingers through her OBVIOUS WIG.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Oh Kristen, I can’t believe how in love with you I am.
KRISTEN STEWART
I can’t believe this is the first scene in a movie about vampires and werewolves. I feel like I’m outside of Kensington Palace after Princess Diana died.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Marry me, Kristen. Where I come from, that’s how you show someone you love them.
KRISTEN STEWART
Where you come from? You’re not a fucking time-traveler, you were around for the sexual revolution. It’s 2010, I can show you I love you just by giving you an ass pass.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Why won’t you marry me? Is it because you know my career is over after these shitty movies are done?
KRISTEN STEWART
It’s not that. I’m just not ready at 18 to make a decision that will last me the rest of my life. Now, when are you going to turn me into a bloodthirsty immortal vampire?
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By Rod | Jul 20th, 2010 |
25 Comments | Movie: 

"Why are you casting magic missile, there's nothing to attack here!"
FADE IN:
EXT. MEXICO
QUENTIN JACKSON is driving a SOCCER MOM’S VAN down a random desert road. Suddenly, he is accosted by LIAM NEESON.
QUENTIN JACKSON
Leave me alone, I swear I didn’t kidnap your daughter, foo!
LIAM NEESON
Listen, my plan requires a black guy with a mohawk, do you plan on helping me with my plan?
QUENTIN JACKSON
Foo, I tried to grow a mohawk but it came out looking like this!
LIAM NEESON
It’s good enough, you make up for it with the maze of pubic hair all over your face. Plan, ho!
They rescue BRADLEY COOPER as he makes SARCASTIC QUIPS about FUCKING EVERYTHING. They then make their way to a hospital.
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By Rod | Jul 6th, 2010 |
48 Comments | Movie: 

"Exit light, enter night! Take my hand, off to never-never laaaaaaaaaaaaaaand!"
FADE IN:
INT. OVER-THE-TOP WEDDING
SARAH JESSICA PARKER, KRISTIN DAVIS, CYNTHIA NIXON, and KIM CATTRALL attend the wedding of WILLIE GARSON and MARIO CANTONE.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Wow, this wedding could only be gayer if the groomsmen were all fisting each other. I will ruminate on this introspectively and eventually use it to comment on how difficult it is to find a partner in New York.
KRISTIN DAVIS
Well I think it’s nice! Weddings are just super-swell!
CYNTHIA NIXON
I’M TOO BUSY LAWYERING TO ENJOY THIS WEDDING! LAWYERING THE LAW IS A LOT OF WORK! CAREER!
KIM CATTRALL
If I don’t gargle some balls in the next ten seconds I’m going to shove this wine bottle in my ass.
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By Rod | Jun 1st, 2010 |
24 Comments | Movie: 

Superheroism is nice, but Tony Stark's real dream has always been a Tiger Beat cover.
FADE IN:
EXT. DOWNEY JR. EXPO – FLUSHING, NY
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. jumps out of an airplane without talking to GWYNETH PALTROW, deleting everyone’s favorite scene from the trailer. He lands on stage at his company’s exhibition.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
(cocky)
Good evening, film extras! As you know, this is where I show off cool new technology from my company as well as establish the fact that my entire character arc from the last film has been rewound back to when I started as an arrogant, selfish ass!
GWYNETH PALTROW
Robert, in between my incessant nagging I need to tell you that you’ve been subpoenaed to appear on the Larry Sanders show.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I respond with confident sarcasm. I’ll fly to Washington just after a superfluous cameo by Larry Ellison.
LARRY ELLISON
That’s right assholes, I plastered my bullshit all over the Java API and now I’m in your comic book movies too! BOW BEFORE THE ALL-POWERFUL ORACLE!
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By Rod | May 4th, 2010 |
42 Comments | Movie: 

Perseus shows off his new "Flashlight for iPhone" app, rejected by Apple.
FADE IN:
EXT. FISHING BOAT
SAM WORTHINGTON, hilariously trying to pass for 23 years old, accompanies his adoptive father PETE POSTLETHWAITE and his family on a fishing trip.
PETE POSTLETHWAITE
I’m not sure why I brought my entire family on this fishing trip, but I’m glad I did! This is great!
SAM WORTHINGTON
I sure hope Voldemort doesn’t show up and ruin my life to start me on a 90-minute quest for revenge!
On a cliff above, people knock over a GIANT STATUE, leaving only its FEET, so a monster made of BLACK SMOKE arrives and kills them all.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Huh. That explains the broken statue I guess, but not the whole thing about four toes. And where’s Locke? I’m starting to think this show isn’t going anywhere.
The BLACK SMOKE thing turns into RALPH FIENNES.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Holy shit, Rob Zombie! Should I cover my ears or my eyes? Are you here to make shitty music or direct shitty movies?
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By Rod | Apr 20th, 2010 |
34 Comments | Movie: 

"I'm not pulling it, Bullock"
FADE IN:
INT. FILM STUDIO
AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS is having a lunch meeting with DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK.
AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS
So I just finished my book. It’s a 288-page tome about the ways that offensive strategy in football has changed in the last twenty years. It also talks a bit about this guy named Michael Oher who became a pro football player despite having a difficult life.
DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK
Wait, did you say difficult life?
AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS
Yeah, he’s a big black guy that was born into poverty but overcame it.
DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK
DID HE DO IT WITH THE HELP OF WHITE PEOPLE?!
AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS
Actually yeah, but the book–
DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK
SELL ME THE RIGHTS, OSCAR SEASON IS COMING!
AUTHOR MICHAEL LEWIS
Seriously? How are you going to make a movie about football?
DIRECTOR JOHN LEE HANCOCK
Foot-what?
By Rod | Mar 24th, 2010 |
59 Comments | Movie: 

Conan O'Brien has not taken the loss of his show well.
FADE IN:
EXT. VICTORIAN PARTY
MIA WASIKOWSKA and her mother, LINDSAY DUNCAN, arrive at a party.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
I hate these parties! And I hate corsets! I’m so progressive, clearly what I need is a place to go that isn’t Victorian England! Like Edwardian England!
LINDSAY DUNCAN
What a peculiar thing to say! You’re a peculiar girl! Just in case any audience members forgot they are watching a Tim Burton movie, the main character doesn’t fit in!
LEO BILL
Mia, I’d like to marry you even though you’re so peculiar and I am not! Oops, nosebleed, excuse me.
Suddenly, MIA sees a CARTOON RABBIT checking his pocket watch.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
Oh my goodness! A CGI creature that apparently has been created to in no way resemble an actual rabbit! I must follow it.
She DOES. She falls down a hole for a few minutes in order to force the film’s running time up to feature-length.
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By Rod | Feb 16th, 2010 |
61 Comments | Movie: 

"Careful Holmes, Christopher Walken went through a lot to get me that watch."
FADE IN:
INT. JAIL
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. and JUDE LAW go to see MARK STRONG in JAIL.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Ah, diabolical Lord Mark Strong. Glad to see you’re finally going to be hanged for all of those murders you committed in a movie that would have probably been more entertaining than this one.
MARK STRONG
Curse you, Downey! I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you and your meddling sidekick!
JUDE LAW
My mustache disapproves of your murderous ways.
MARK STRONG
This isn’t over, Downey! The movie is just starting and I’ve been in way too many Guy Ritchie movies to die this early!
He is HANGED, U.S. style for some reason.
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By Rod | Jan 14th, 2010 |
150 Comments | Movie: 

Confused, Jake Sully aims for Tobias Fünke's head.
FADE IN:
INT. SPACESHIP
SAM WORTHINGTON awakens from cryogenic sleep as the PILOT comes onto the radio.
PILOT
Alright everyone, we’re now arriving at Pandora.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Pandora? No wonder I keep hearing the same twenty songs over and over again.
SAM exits his tiny cryogenic tube and stretches his legs.
SAM WORTHINGTON (V.O.)
Air travel has been pretty restrictive since the Christmas underwear bomber. Anyway, it’s 2149 and I’m about to continue my dead brother’s work to help Giovanni Ribisi make enough money to buy some new vowels for his last name. Oh, and I’ll be occasionally dropping some voiceover exposition, because what would lazy storytelling be without voiceover?
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