Juno: The Abridged Script

mv5bmja3odaymjc0mv5bml5banbnxkftztywndi0mja3_v1_sy400_sx600_.jpg

A discount abortion doctor demonstrates proper uterus-punching technique.

This script was featured as a Cracked.com Guest Column. If you want to see it over there, follow this link.

FADE IN:

EXT. SOME SMALL TOWN

ELLEN PAGE guzzles SUNNY D as some obnoxious INDIE SONG blares in the background so that everyone knows that this is an intellectual, independent film.

She enters a convenience store and meets RAINN WILSON.

ELLEN PAGE

I need to use the bathroom, as I’ve been downing delicious, high-quality Sunny Delight for the past hour.

RAINN WILSON

Sunny Delight? You mean the delicious orange-flavored drink containing a full day’s supply of vitamin C in every serving?

ELLEN PAGE

That’s right! I found it in the fridge, behind the purple stuff! Now relinquish the bathroom key geeves, I for shizz need to spout.


21: The Abridged Script

mv5bmti2ntgwmdywmf5bml5banbnxkftztcwnze5nzi2mq_v1_sy400_sx600_.jpg

“I’m sorry, I can’t take this scene seriously if Bosworth is going to wear that.”

FADE IN:

INT. HARVARD ADMISSIONS OFFICE

JIM STURGESS is meeting with some ADMISSIONS GUY.

JIM STURGESS

As I was saying, I am extraordinarily gifted, to a point where I will obviously be unbelievably rich and successful. But because Harvard is hard to get into, I want to go here, and I believe not only do I deserve it, but I deserve a free ride. That’s how awesome I am.

HARVARD ADMISSIONS GUY

That’s all well and good, but to get a scholarship, you will need to write an admissions essay that really jumps off the page. Like maybe a story about love, loss, and ultimately redemption. Perhaps you could tell this story in obnoxious, narrated movie form.

JIM STURGESS

Funny you should mention that overused storytelling technique. You see…


Suggest A Movie

So, this time of year is always a really boring time for movies. All of the brainless action movies are being held off until summertime, and all of the pretentious oscar-grabbers came out months ago. Basically the studios just stand around with their dicks in their hands for the next few months, and that makes me bored.

So I’m trying something new. Suggest a movie for me to watch and abridge (or just abridge if I’ve seen it). Just leave a comment on this post making a suggestion for what’s next.

The way I plan for this to work is: I’ll read all of your comments and pick movies from them that I think would be good candidates for abridgement. Then I’ll make a poll on the sidebar and visitors can pick one of the movies from the list, and then I’ll, like, write down what happens in screenplay format with fart jokes.

Here are some guidelines:

  • Don’t suggest Doomsday or 10,00 B.C. Doomsday is the next script anyway, and 10,000 B.C. is one I want to abridge if I ever get around to it. Also don’t suggest Harry Potter 7 or whatever it is, since I already committed to doing that one months ago.
  • Don’t suggest totally random movies that you and your stupid friends rented while high that one time. If I’ve never even heard of the movie, I’ll filter it right out before it goes into the poll.
  • Don’t suggest amazing movies that would be impossible to abridge because they lack flaws. Like don’t suggest Citizen Kane and then be surprised when I call you an asshat.
  • Similarly, don’t suggest movies that are so mind-blowingly stupid that I’d have virtually nothing to say about them. Like, what am I gonna say about Batman and Robin? That movie mocks itself.

If I don’t put your suggestion in the poll, don’t whine about it, it probably violated one of those guidelines above or one of the hundreds of internal guidelines I have in my head and decided not to share.

Update: Holy shit, I got a lot of responses to this. Alright, finish making your suggestions by end of day Sunday. I’ll put the poll up by Monday.

Updatier Update: Alright, poll is up. Comments are closed. Thanks for participating, everyone.

Updatiest Update: Looks like Cloverfield and Juno both did extremely well in the poll. I guess I’ll just do them both. Thanks for playing, everyone.

Jumper: The Abridged Script

vm_sy400_sx600_.jpg

Hayden Christensen finally succeeds in his lifelong goal to pout in every country.

FADE IN:

INT. HIGH SCHOOL

YOUNG HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN timidly approaches YOUNG RACHEL BILSON.

YOUNG HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Uh, hey. I don’t know if you know who I am, but I sorta have this crush on you.

YOUNG RACHEL BILSON

Of course I know you! We’re in the same shop class!

YOUNG HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

Huh? No… you’re probably confusing me with a piece of wood. I get that a lot.

(hands her a worthless trinket)

I got you a snow globe of Paris, because you conveniently desire traveling the world.


Rambo: The Abridged Script

04_300dpi1.jpg

Sarah’s crippling fear of plant life suddenly creates a wrinkle in Rambo’s plans.

FADE IN:

EXT. THAILAND

SYLVESTER STALLONE catches snakes with his bare hands and fishes with an archery set.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

If there’s time, I’d like to also show me hunting tigers with nunchucks.

STALLONE grunts his way through his village, when suddenly he is confronted by PAUL SCHULZE.

PAUL SCHULZE

Hello Sylvester. We’re Christian missionaries from Colorado, because the only time anyone mentions Colorado in a movie is when a bunch of fundamentalist Christians live there.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

(grunt)


I Am Legend: The Abridged Script

3777.jpg

Will Smith quickly tires of playing “Telephone”

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

WILL SMITH walks around the deserted NEW YORK CITY.

WILL hunts for animals poorly and generally collects resources for his home, which is an old house with secured windows rather than, say, an abandoned military base.

WILL SMITH

Well, it sure does suck being the only survivor of a disease that wiped out most of the human population. It’s a good thing I have an unexplained immunity.

WILL SMITH’S DOG

Woof.

WILL SMITH

At least I have a dog around, so that I have someone around to talk to and the first hour of the movie isn’t complete silence.

WILL SMITH’S DOG

Bark.

WILL SMITH

I should also set up mannequins everywhere so that I can pretend they are people. It’ll be just like those scenes from Castaway where Tom Hanks befriended the volleyball, except my worn-out Fresh Prince sassy shtick will play it up for laughs.

MANNEQUIN

WILL SMITH

Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!

Live Free or Die Hard: The Abridged Script

lfdh-67.jpg

John McClane don’t get into a truck like no damn sissy-boy.

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

BRUCE WILLIS embarrasses his daughter, because the concept of a super-badass action guy being unable to manage his home life is totally original and creative.

BRUCE WILLIS

It sure is rough just trying to be a regular cop as well as a divorced father. Luckily the cop part has gotten easier ever since this movie decided I should be some kind of superhuman cop.

POLICE CAPTAIN

(over radio)

Bruce, I need you to go pick up Justin Long. He’s a young hacker. The two of you couldn’t have any less in common, making for completely hilarious comedy.

BRUCE goes to find JUSTIN LONG. Meanwhile, some terrorists seem to upload a BOMB to a laptop and it EXPLODES. Inexplicably, the movie manages to actually go downhill from that.

The Golden Compass: The Abridged Script

gc_pulls001.jpg

Coca-Cola commercials are getting weird.

INT. SOME SCHOOL - LONDON

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS walks around being ENGLISH for a while.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

This is a story about a parallel world. It is very much like your world, though different enough that the movie qualifies as “fantasy film” rather than “stupid movie made by someone who doesn’t understand physics.”

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

For example, in this world roles that normally go to Dakota FANNING go to me.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Also, people carry their souls around in animals called “demons.”

DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS

Yes. Every single person is born with a talking animal who shares their personality. You kinda have to wonder if beastiality is a major problem for this society.

Superman Returns: The Abridged Script

021.jpg

Superman grows angry as he hears thousands say his new costume looks “a little gay.”

FADE IN:

INT. SOME OLD LADY’S HOUSE

An OLD LADY lays in her death bed, talking to KEVIN SPACEY.

OLD LADY

I’m leaving you everything I own, Kevin.

KEVIN SPACEY

Because I’ve provided you with love and affection during your final days?

OLD LADY

No, because I watched “Beyond The Sea” and now I think you’re Bobby Darin. Don’t get me wrong, though. The sex was great.

KEVIN SPACEY

Gross.

OLD LADY

I just want to make sure we’re all on the same page, and there isn’t anything subtle or ambiguous about this scene. I’m like 90 years old, my pussy hangs down to my knees, and your limp dick was inside it. You, the self-proclaimed greatest criminal mastermind of our generation, has gone from evil schemes like “launch two nuclear missiles at once” to “eat out old, wrinkled bitches.”

Halloween: The Abridged Script

06932.jpg

Illinois police take a novel approach to educating teenagers about wearing seatbelts.

Note: This abridged script is for the Halloween remake made in 2007, not the original Halloween movie. It is also not an abridged script of the Halloween holiday, which wouldn’t make any sense.

FADE IN:

INT. WHITE-TRASH REDNECK HOUSE - HADDONFIELD, ILLINOIS

SHERI MOON and her FAMILY OF ASSHOLES argue and fight about nothing.

SHERI MOON

Hanna, go upstairs and get your obviously psychotic brother so he can come down and enjoy an abusive family breakfast from hell.

HANNA HALL

Fine, but it annoys me that you’re asking me to do something which doesn’t illustrate to the audience that I’m a slut.

DAEG FAERCH comes down after killing a mouse and eats some RAISIN BRAN, the cereal of PURE EVIL.


© 2008 The Editing Room | Design by Your Index - Powered By Wordpress