FADE IN:

INT. JAIL

ROBERT DOWNEY JR. and JUDE LAW go to see MARK STRONG in JAIL.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Ah, diabolical Lord Mark Strong.  Glad to see you’re finally going to be hanged for all of those murders you committed in a movie that would have probably been more entertaining than this one.

MARK STRONG

Curse you, Downey!  I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you and your meddling sidekick!

JUDE LAW

My mustache disapproves of your murderous ways.

MARK STRONG

This isn’t over, Downey!  The movie is just starting and I’ve been in way too many Guy Ritchie movies to die this early!

He is HANGED, U.S. style for some reason.

FADE IN:

INT. SPACESHIP

SAM WORTHINGTON awakens from cryogenic sleep as the PILOT comes onto the radio.

PILOT

Alright everyone, we’re now arriving at Pandora.

SAM WORTHINGTON

Pandora?  No wonder I keep hearing the same twenty songs over and over again.

SAM exits his tiny cryogenic tube and stretches his legs.

SAM WORTHINGTON (V.O.)

Air travel has been pretty restrictive since the Christmas underwear bomber.  Anyway, it’s 2149 and I’m about to continue my dead brother’s work to help Giovanni Ribisi make enough money to buy some new vowels for his last name.  Oh, and I’ll be occasionally dropping some voiceover exposition, because what would lazy storytelling be without voiceover?

FADE IN:

EXT. MANHATTAN BEACH, CA

JOHN CUSACK is picking his children up from his ex-wife, AMANDA PEET.

AMANDA PEET

Please allow me to remind you of a number of things about our children in order to establish that you’re out of touch with them since the divorce.

JOHN CUSACK

How could you leave me?  I held a boombox playing “In Your Eyes” above my head and everything.

AMANDA PEET

John, I wouldn’t come back to you if you were the last man alive on Earth!  Eh?  Eh?  Foreshadowing!

Their kids, LIAM JAMES and MORGAN LILY, get into JOHN’S LIMOUSINE.

JOHN CUSACK

Is everyone excited for this camping trip, which is a completely believable thing for me to be doing?

LIAM JAMES

We’re taking your limousine over a thousand miles to Yellowstone National Park?  Are you TRYING to piss Al Gore off?

FADE IN:

INT. ROBERT PATTINSON’S FAMILY’S HOUSE

KRISTEN STEWART is celebrating her BIRTHDAY with ROBERT PATTINSON’S FAMILY.

KRISTEN STEWART

Thanks for this incredibly creepy party everyone, but I’m really not in the mood to celebrate. Every year I spend in these movies makes it that much more difficult for me to get any other acting role.

ROBERT PATTINSON

But you’re the founder of the “dull angst” method of acting! Stare blankly when sad, bite lip when happy!

KRISTEN STEWART

(stares blankly)

ASHLEY GREENE

Hey Kristen! Open my gift first! It’s a bag of ecstasy, now you can be just as obnoxiously bubbly and wired as me!

FADE IN:

EXT. DENIS MENOCHET’S FARM – FRANCE

CHRISTOPH WALTZ approaches DENIS MENOCHET on his farm.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I’d like to ask you some questions while you act as suspiciously as humanly possible.

DENIS MENOCHET

Very well.  Would you like to pound a glass of milk for some reason?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

I would!  Now, rumor has it that you are hiding some Jews.  Is that true?

DENIS MENOCHET

No.

(pause)

Uh, maybe.

(pause)

Yeah.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

Thanks.  Alright, Nazi soldiers, come and destroy this guy’s house and kill the people he is hiding!

They DO.  One GIRL runs away, and CHRISTOPH lets her live.

DENIS MENOCHET

Any particular reason we just spent 20 minutes strongly establishing a character that was weakened at minute 21?

CHRISTOPH WALTZ

DO NOT QUESTION THE CINEMATIC BRILLIANCE OF QUENTIN TARANTINO!

FADE IN:

EXT. EURASIA

CHANNING TATUM and MARLON WAYANS are driving along a dirt road.

MARLON WAYANS

As I much as I love driving these top secret ultra deadly nano-missiles to somewhere or another, I’ve been thinking we should join the Air Force.

CHANNING TATUM

Nah, I like being a ground soldier. I want to actually be in the fight, not flying over it.

MARLON WAYANS

“Flying over it”? You hear that, United States Air Force? Director Stephen Sommers wants you to know he thinks you’re a bunch of pussies.

FADE IN:

INT. SUBWAY

DANIEL RADCLIFFE sits and reads a NEWSPAPER, full of fictional tales of goings-on in a land far detached from our world.  He then puts down USA TODAY and reads his WIZARD’S NEWS instead.

CAFE WAITRESS

Nice moving newspaper.  Who’s this Daniel Radcliffe mentioned on the front page?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Nobody.  I think he fucks horses.  Hey so, since you’re flirting with me as obviously as possible, I was wondering…

CAFE WAITRESS

Eleven.  That’s when I get off.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh, I very much doubt it.

FADE IN:

EXT. PLAYGROUND

DANIEL RADCLIFFE hangs out at a CHILDREN’S PLAYGROUND in a vain attempt to make it look like he’s not a 35-YEAR-OLD MAN.

HARRY MELLING

Oh look, it’s my good for nothing sort-of brother.  How’s your mother, Daniel, aside from being dead? Har har har!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What?  I know you’re supposed to be kind of a dick and all, but nobody in real life would make a joke about someone having dead parents.  Well, maybe Dane Cook.

HARRY MELLING

Thug lyfe, son!  That’s how I riggity roll!

FADE IN:

EXT. SHANGHAI, CHINA

JOSH DUHAMEL and TYRESE GIBSON lead a team of POLYGONS into battle.

JOSH DUHAMEL

Alright everyone, we’re here to capture two Decepticons in hiding.  I just need about 40 seconds of dialogue to explain what’s going on before we can–

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY

TOO LONG LETS MAKE STUFF EXPLODE NOW OKAY

SOME GOOD POLYGONS are rendered into the same frames as BAD POLYGONS while FOLEY ARTISTS smash pots and pans together next to microphones.

TYRESE GIBSON

Damn, one of the Decepticons is getting away!  I’ll send the film’s version of Jar Jar Binks after it!

SKID

Sheeeeit muddafucka, bitches be straight trippin’.

TYRESE GIBSON

No.  Don’t do any more of that.

FADE IN:

INT. HARVARD

TOM HANKS, mullet-less, swims laps.  He is approached by DAVID PASQUESI, some IMPORTANT CATHOLIC GUY.

DAVID PASQUESI

Professor Hanks, I presume.  The pope is dead and the four cardinals that are being considered to replace him have been kidnapped.  We need your help finding them.

TOM HANKS

Why would the Catholic Church want my help after they shat blood over The Da Vinci code?

DAVID PASQUESI

Well, you’re so good with puzzles that– wait, what do you mean Da Vinci Code?  Doesn’t Angels & Demons take place before The Da Vinci Code?

TOM HANKS

Yes, but we’ve swapped the order on the assumption that the audience, while capable of tolerating endless amounts of historical mumbo jumbo, is easily confused by the notion of a prequel.