By Rod | Feb 16th, 2010 |
36 Comments | Movie: 

"Careful Holmes, Christopher Walken went through a lot to get me that watch."
FADE IN:
INT. JAIL
ROBERT DOWNEY JR. and JUDE LAW go to see MARK STRONG in JAIL.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Ah, diabolical Lord Mark Strong. Glad to see you’re finally going to be hanged for all of those murders you committed in a movie that would have probably been more entertaining than this one.
MARK STRONG
Curse you, Downey! I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you and your meddling sidekick!
JUDE LAW
My mustache disapproves of your murderous ways.
MARK STRONG
This isn’t over, Downey! The movie is just starting and I’ve been in way too many Guy Ritchie movies to die this early!
He is HANGED, U.S. style for some reason.
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By Rod | Jan 14th, 2010 |
131 Comments | Movie: 

Confused, Jake Sully aims for Tobias Fünke's head.
FADE IN:
INT. SPACESHIP
SAM WORTHINGTON awakens from cryogenic sleep as the PILOT comes onto the radio.
PILOT
Alright everyone, we’re now arriving at Pandora.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Pandora? No wonder I keep hearing the same twenty songs over and over again.
SAM exits his tiny cryogenic tube and stretches his legs.
SAM WORTHINGTON (V.O.)
Air travel has been pretty restrictive since the Christmas underwear bomber. Anyway, it’s 2149 and I’m about to continue my dead brother’s work to help Giovanni Ribisi make enough money to buy some new vowels for his last name. Oh, and I’ll be occasionally dropping some voiceover exposition, because what would lazy storytelling be without voiceover?
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By Rod | Dec 21st, 2009 |
49 Comments | Movie: 

Nope, nothing offensive here.
FADE IN:
EXT. MANHATTAN BEACH, CA
JOHN CUSACK is picking his children up from his ex-wife, AMANDA PEET.
AMANDA PEET
Please allow me to remind you of a number of things about our children in order to establish that you’re out of touch with them since the divorce.
JOHN CUSACK
How could you leave me? I held a boombox playing “In Your Eyes” above my head and everything.
AMANDA PEET
John, I wouldn’t come back to you if you were the last man alive on Earth! Eh? Eh? Foreshadowing!
Their kids, LIAM JAMES and MORGAN LILY, get into JOHN’S LIMOUSINE.
JOHN CUSACK
Is everyone excited for this camping trip, which is a completely believable thing for me to be doing?
LIAM JAMES
We’re taking your limousine over a thousand miles to Yellowstone National Park? Are you TRYING to piss Al Gore off?
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By Rod | Dec 8th, 2009 |
53 Comments | Movie: 

In over 500,000 fanfics, this scene immediately precedes an orgy.
This script was posted on Cracked.com. If you want to read it there, go here.
FADE IN:
INT. ROBERT PATTINSON’S FAMILY’S HOUSE
KRISTEN STEWART is celebrating her BIRTHDAY with ROBERT PATTINSON’S FAMILY.
KRISTEN STEWART
Thanks for this incredibly creepy party everyone, but I’m really not in the mood to celebrate. Every year I spend in these movies makes it that much more difficult for me to get any other acting role.
ROBERT PATTINSON
But you’re the founder of the “dull angst” method of acting! Stare blankly when sad, bite lip when happy!
KRISTEN STEWART
(stares blankly)
ASHLEY GREENE
Hey Kristen! Open my gift first! It’s a bag of ecstasy, now you can be just as obnoxiously bubbly and wired as me!
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By Rod | Oct 28th, 2009 |
47 Comments | Movie: 

Hitler grows angry when he discovers that he is STILL being compared to U.S. politicians.
FADE IN:
EXT. DENIS MENOCHET’S FARM – FRANCE
CHRISTOPH WALTZ approaches DENIS MENOCHET on his farm.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
I’d like to ask you some questions while you act as suspiciously as humanly possible.
DENIS MENOCHET
Very well. Would you like to pound a glass of milk for some reason?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
I would! Now, rumor has it that you are hiding some Jews. Is that true?
DENIS MENOCHET
No.
(pause)
Uh, maybe.
(pause)
Yeah.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Thanks. Alright, Nazi soldiers, come and destroy this guy’s house and kill the people he is hiding!
They DO. One GIRL runs away, and CHRISTOPH lets her live.
DENIS MENOCHET
Any particular reason we just spent 20 minutes strongly establishing a character that was weakened at minute 21?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
DO NOT QUESTION THE CINEMATIC BRILLIANCE OF QUENTIN TARANTINO!
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By Rod | Sep 23rd, 2009 |
41 Comments | Movie: 

"Look, I'm glad you invited me to Comic-con, but you're taking the Halo cosplay too far."
FADE IN:
EXT. EURASIA
CHANNING TATUM and MARLON WAYANS are driving along a dirt road.
MARLON WAYANS
As I much as I love driving these top secret ultra deadly nano-missiles to somewhere or another, I’ve been thinking we should join the Air Force.
CHANNING TATUM
Nah, I like being a ground soldier. I want to actually be in the fight, not flying over it.
MARLON WAYANS
“Flying over it”? You hear that, United States Air Force? Director Stephen Sommers wants you to know he thinks you’re a bunch of pussies.
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By Rod | Aug 19th, 2009 |
48 Comments | Movie: 

"Sir, is this 'memory vial' thing just your way of telling me you have Alzheimer's?"
FADE IN:
INT. SUBWAY
DANIEL RADCLIFFE sits and reads a NEWSPAPER, full of fictional tales of goings-on in a land far detached from our world. He then puts down USA TODAY and reads his WIZARD’S NEWS instead.
CAFE WAITRESS
Nice moving newspaper. Who’s this Daniel Radcliffe mentioned on the front page?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Nobody. I think he fucks horses. Hey so, since you’re flirting with me as obviously as possible, I was wondering…
CAFE WAITRESS
Eleven. That’s when I get off.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh, I very much doubt it.
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By Rod | Aug 19th, 2009 |
34 Comments | Movie: 

I think we all knew Daniel Radcliffe's future would contain a lifetime of blue balls.
FADE IN:
EXT. PLAYGROUND
DANIEL RADCLIFFE hangs out at a CHILDREN’S PLAYGROUND in a vain attempt to make it look like he’s not a 35-YEAR-OLD MAN.
HARRY MELLING
Oh look, it’s my good for nothing sort-of brother. How’s your mother, Daniel, aside from being dead? Har har har!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What? I know you’re supposed to be kind of a dick and all, but nobody in real life would make a joke about someone having dead parents. Well, maybe Dane Cook.
HARRY MELLING
Thug lyfe, son! That’s how I riggity roll!
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By Rod | Aug 4th, 2009 |
73 Comments | Movie: 

Quiz time! Single frame from the movie, or every frame layered on top of each other?
FADE IN:
EXT. SHANGHAI, CHINA
JOSH DUHAMEL and TYRESE GIBSON lead a team of POLYGONS into battle.
JOSH DUHAMEL
Alright everyone, we’re here to capture two Decepticons in hiding. I just need about 40 seconds of dialogue to explain what’s going on before we can–
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
TOO LONG LETS MAKE STUFF EXPLODE NOW OKAY
SOME GOOD POLYGONS are rendered into the same frames as BAD POLYGONS while FOLEY ARTISTS smash pots and pans together next to microphones.
TYRESE GIBSON
Damn, one of the Decepticons is getting away! I’ll send the film’s version of Jar Jar Binks after it!
SKID
Sheeeeit muddafucka, bitches be straight trippin’.
TYRESE GIBSON
No. Don’t do any more of that.
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By Rod | Jul 16th, 2009 |
28 Comments | Movie: 

Professor Langdon curses himself for forgetting his black tie.
FADE IN:
INT. HARVARD
TOM HANKS, mullet-less, swims laps. He is approached by DAVID PASQUESI, some IMPORTANT CATHOLIC GUY.
DAVID PASQUESI
Professor Hanks, I presume. The pope is dead and the four cardinals that are being considered to replace him have been kidnapped. We need your help finding them.
TOM HANKS
Why would the Catholic Church want my help after they shat blood over The Da Vinci code?
DAVID PASQUESI
Well, you’re so good with puzzles that– wait, what do you mean Da Vinci Code? Doesn’t Angels & Demons take place before The Da Vinci Code?
TOM HANKS
Yes, but we’ve swapped the order on the assumption that the audience, while capable of tolerating endless amounts of historical mumbo jumbo, is easily confused by the notion of a prequel.
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