By: Rod Hilton on Apr 19th, 2008 |
51 Comments | Movie Rating: 
A discount abortion doctor demonstrates proper uterus-punching technique.
This script was featured as a Cracked.com Guest Column. If you want to see it over there, follow this link.
FADE IN:
EXT. SOME SMALL TOWN
ELLEN PAGE guzzles SUNNY D as some obnoxious INDIE SONG blares in the background so that everyone knows that this is an intellectual, independent film.
She enters a convenience store and meets RAINN WILSON.
ELLEN PAGE
I need to use the bathroom, as I’ve been downing delicious, high-quality Sunny Delight for the past hour.
RAINN WILSON
Sunny Delight? You mean the delicious orange-flavored drink containing a full day’s supply of vitamin C in every serving?
ELLEN PAGE
That’s right! I found it in the fridge, behind the purple stuff! Now relinquish the bathroom key geeves, I for shizz need to spout.
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By: Rod Hilton on Apr 7th, 2008 |
51 Comments | Movie Rating: 
“I’m sorry, I can’t take this scene seriously if Bosworth is going to wear that.”
FADE IN:
INT. HARVARD ADMISSIONS OFFICE
JIM STURGESS is meeting with some ADMISSIONS GUY.
JIM STURGESS
As I was saying, I am extraordinarily gifted, to a point where I will obviously be unbelievably rich and successful. But because Harvard is hard to get into, I want to go here, and I believe not only do I deserve it, but I deserve a free ride. That’s how awesome I am.
HARVARD ADMISSIONS GUY
That’s all well and good, but to get a scholarship, you will need to write an admissions essay that really jumps off the page. Like maybe a story about love, loss, and ultimately redemption. Perhaps you could tell this story in obnoxious, narrated movie form.
JIM STURGESS
Funny you should mention that overused storytelling technique. You see…
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By: Rod Hilton on Mar 14th, 2008 |
90 Comments
So, this time of year is always a really boring time for movies. All of the brainless action movies are being held off until summertime, and all of the pretentious oscar-grabbers came out months ago. Basically the studios just stand around with their dicks in their hands for the next few months, and that makes me bored.
So I’m trying something new. Suggest a movie for me to watch and abridge (or just abridge if I’ve seen it). Just leave a comment on this post making a suggestion for what’s next.
The way I plan for this to work is: I’ll read all of your comments and pick movies from them that I think would be good candidates for abridgement. Then I’ll make a poll on the sidebar and visitors can pick one of the movies from the list, and then I’ll, like, write down what happens in screenplay format with fart jokes.
Here are some guidelines:
- Don’t suggest Doomsday or 10,00 B.C. Doomsday is the next script anyway, and 10,000 B.C. is one I want to abridge if I ever get around to it. Also don’t suggest Harry Potter 7 or whatever it is, since I already committed to doing that one months ago.
- Don’t suggest totally random movies that you and your stupid friends rented while high that one time. If I’ve never even heard of the movie, I’ll filter it right out before it goes into the poll.
- Don’t suggest amazing movies that would be impossible to abridge because they lack flaws. Like don’t suggest Citizen Kane and then be surprised when I call you an asshat.
- Similarly, don’t suggest movies that are so mind-blowingly stupid that I’d have virtually nothing to say about them. Like, what am I gonna say about Batman and Robin? That movie mocks itself.
If I don’t put your suggestion in the poll, don’t whine about it, it probably violated one of those guidelines above or one of the hundreds of internal guidelines I have in my head and decided not to share.
Update: Holy shit, I got a lot of responses to this. Alright, finish making your suggestions by end of day Sunday. I’ll put the poll up by Monday.
Updatier Update: Alright, poll is up. Comments are closed. Thanks for participating, everyone.
Updatiest Update: Looks like Cloverfield and Juno both did extremely well in the poll. I guess I’ll just do them both. Thanks for playing, everyone.
By: Rod Hilton on Mar 11th, 2008 |
44 Comments | Movie Rating: 
Hayden Christensen finally succeeds in his lifelong goal to pout in every country.
FADE IN:
INT. HIGH SCHOOL
YOUNG HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN timidly approaches YOUNG RACHEL BILSON.
YOUNG HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Uh, hey. I don’t know if you know who I am, but I sorta have this crush on you.
YOUNG RACHEL BILSON
Of course I know you! We’re in the same shop class!
YOUNG HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Huh? No… you’re probably confusing me with a piece of wood. I get that a lot.
(hands her a worthless trinket)
I got you a snow globe of Paris, because you conveniently desire traveling the world.
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By: Rod Hilton on Feb 4th, 2008 |
41 Comments | Movie Rating: 
Sarah’s crippling fear of plant life suddenly creates a wrinkle in Rambo’s plans.
FADE IN:
EXT. THAILAND
SYLVESTER STALLONE catches snakes with his bare hands and fishes with an archery set.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
If there’s time, I’d like to also show me hunting tigers with nunchucks.
STALLONE grunts his way through his village, when suddenly he is confronted by PAUL SCHULZE.
PAUL SCHULZE
Hello Sylvester. We’re Christian missionaries from Colorado, because the only time anyone mentions Colorado in a movie is when a bunch of fundamentalist Christians live there.
SYLVESTER STALLONE
(grunt)
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By: Rod Hilton on Jan 8th, 2008 |
77 Comments | Movie Rating: 
Will Smith quickly tires of playing “Telephone”
FADE IN:
EXT. NEW YORK CITY
WILL SMITH walks around the deserted NEW YORK CITY.
WILL hunts for animals poorly and generally collects resources for his home, which is an old house with secured windows rather than, say, an abandoned military base.
WILL SMITH
Well, it sure does suck being the only survivor of a disease that wiped out most of the human population. It’s a good thing I have an unexplained immunity.
WILL SMITH’S DOG
Woof.
WILL SMITH
At least I have a dog around, so that I have someone around to talk to and the first hour of the movie isn’t complete silence.
WILL SMITH’S DOG
Bark.
WILL SMITH
I should also set up mannequins everywhere so that I can pretend they are people. It’ll be just like those scenes from Castaway where Tom Hanks befriended the volleyball, except my worn-out Fresh Prince sassy shtick will play it up for laughs.
MANNEQUIN
…
WILL SMITH
Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!
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By: Rod Hilton on Dec 27th, 2007 |
60 Comments | Movie Rating: 
John McClane don’t get into a truck like no damn sissy-boy.
FADE IN:
EXT. NEW YORK CITY
BRUCE WILLIS embarrasses his daughter, because the concept of a super-badass action guy being unable to manage his home life is totally original and creative.
BRUCE WILLIS
It sure is rough just trying to be a regular cop as well as a divorced father. Luckily the cop part has gotten easier ever since this movie decided I should be some kind of superhuman cop.
POLICE CAPTAIN
(over radio)
Bruce, I need you to go pick up Justin Long. He’s a young hacker. The two of you couldn’t have any less in common, making for completely hilarious comedy.
BRUCE goes to find JUSTIN LONG. Meanwhile, some terrorists seem to upload a BOMB to a laptop and it EXPLODES. Inexplicably, the movie manages to actually go downhill from that.
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By: Rod Hilton on Dec 23rd, 2007 |
55 Comments | Movie Rating:
Coca-Cola commercials are getting weird.
INT. SOME SCHOOL - LONDON
DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS walks around being ENGLISH for a while.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
This is a story about a parallel world. It is very much like your world, though different enough that the movie qualifies as “fantasy film” rather than “stupid movie made by someone who doesn’t understand physics.”
DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS
For example, in this world roles that normally go to Dakota FANNING go to me.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Also, people carry their souls around in animals called “demons.”
DAKOTA BLUE RICHARDS
Yes. Every single person is born with a talking animal who shares their personality. You kinda have to wonder if beastiality is a major problem for this society.
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By: Rod Hilton on Dec 3rd, 2007 |
98 Comments | Movie Rating:
Superman grows angry as he hears thousands say his new costume looks “a little gay.”
FADE IN:
INT. SOME OLD LADY’S HOUSE
An OLD LADY lays in her death bed, talking to KEVIN SPACEY.
OLD LADY
I’m leaving you everything I own, Kevin.
KEVIN SPACEY
Because I’ve provided you with love and affection during your final days?
OLD LADY
No, because I watched “Beyond The Sea” and now I think you’re Bobby Darin. Don’t get me wrong, though. The sex was great.
KEVIN SPACEY
Gross.
OLD LADY
I just want to make sure we’re all on the same page, and there isn’t anything subtle or ambiguous about this scene. I’m like 90 years old, my pussy hangs down to my knees, and your limp dick was inside it. You, the self-proclaimed greatest criminal mastermind of our generation, has gone from evil schemes like “launch two nuclear missiles at once” to “eat out old, wrinkled bitches.”
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By: Rod Hilton on Oct 30th, 2007 |
41 Comments | Movie Rating:
Illinois police take a novel approach to educating teenagers about wearing seatbelts.
Note: This abridged script is for the Halloween remake made in 2007, not the original Halloween movie. It is also not an abridged script of the Halloween holiday, which wouldn’t make any sense.
FADE IN:
INT. WHITE-TRASH REDNECK HOUSE - HADDONFIELD, ILLINOIS
SHERI MOON and her FAMILY OF ASSHOLES argue and fight about nothing.
SHERI MOON
Hanna, go upstairs and get your obviously psychotic brother so he can come down and enjoy an abusive family breakfast from hell.
HANNA HALL
Fine, but it annoys me that you’re asking me to do something which doesn’t illustrate to the audience that I’m a slut.
DAEG FAERCH comes down after killing a mouse and eats some RAISIN BRAN, the cereal of PURE EVIL.
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