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Avengers: Age of Ultron

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. HYDRA FORTRESS - FAKE EUROPE

We open on an UNSKIPPABLE CUTSCENE as CHRIS HEMSWORTH, ROBERT DOWNEY, JR., CHRIS EVANS, GREEN MARK RUFFALO, SCARLETT JOHANSSON, and JEREMY RENNER storm a HYDRA base and straight up MURDER tons of regular, non-superpowered people in the world's LEAST-FAIR FIGHT.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Oh look, I'm back with my catalogue of specialized suits. This completely invalidates everything that happened in Iron Man 3, so I guess everyone can just skip that one.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Verily, Thor 2 is similarly without merit or consequence!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

And Guardians took place in outer space, so it doesn't affect what's going on either.

CHRIS EVANS

Okay, but Winter Soldier is totally important, it established that HYDRA has been infiltrating SHIELD for half a century! Of course, it's been completely dismantled now and this is the very last base that we're about to destroy... shit. Is Phase 2 the Danny DeVito to Phase 1's Schwarzenegger?

GREEN MARK RUFFALO

ENTIRE PHASE 2 CAN BE IGNORED, NEXT MOVIE ALL ABOUT SMALL BUG MAN AND NOBODY CARE!

JEREMY RENNER

Of course, if you want to know why we're even assaulting this fortress, you should watch 41 hours of Agents of SHIELD to see the 65 seconds at the end of Season 2, Episode 19 where Cobie Smulders holy shit this bubble is going to burst really soon, isn't it?

ROBERT shoots a MISSILE at the fortress that fails to penetrate its FORCEFIELD, but then he just SHOOTS THE FORCEFIELD because HYDRA never got around to watching RETURN OF THE JEDI.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Alright guys, I'm inside the fortress. Have we figured out a justification for the nearly invincible Norse god not to be doing this instead of me?

CHRIS EVANS

(over radio)

Yes, he's carrying Jeremy Renner back to the ship because he got injured. Damn Hawkeye still sucks.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Perfect, I'll just go ahead and find...

(consults notes)

Loki's sceptre? Geeze, again?

ROBERT finds LOKI'S MIND-CONTROL SCEPTRE, pulsating with MIND CONTROL POWER that will surely be put to EXCELLENT DRAMATIC USE.

Suddenly, AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON and ELIZABETH OLSEN sneak up behind him and ELIZABETH users her powers of MIND CONTROL HOLY FUCK WHEDON THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

You have used vague powers to make metal man die, yes?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Nyet, I see that allowing him to succeed vill ultimately cause destruction for moose and squirrel, so I leave alone. Gave him nightmare for use in many trailer. Has broken Captain America shield and everythink, fanboys will love.

The TEAM returns to NEW YORK about 4,000 MILES AWAY but that's at least a 3 HOUR FLIGHT so...

IMMEDIATE SMASH CUT TO:

INT. AVENGERS TOWER - REAL NEW YORK CITY

ROBERT and MARK are doing SCIENCE with the MAGIC SCEPTRE while everyone else is CONVENIENTLY IN ANOTHER ROOM.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Mark, this sceptre has a neural computer in it or some shit. I want to experiment with it, just give me three days.

MARK RUFFALO

Why are you asking me? Hemsworth already said okay, though who the hell knows why...

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Look, you know how we've been trying to create a super advanced robot AI to protect the world from aliens? Well, this technology from those exact same aliens, used by the leader of those aliens to nearly destroy us all, might be the key to stopping future aliens! I'm going to load the computer stuff and see what happens.

MARK RUFFALO

What?! Are you seriously the dipshit that finds a random USB key in your office parking lot and immediately plugs it into your work computer?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Okay I ran not_a_virus.exe. Now let's go party, A.I. Paul Bettany can finish this up.

(leaves with Mark)

A.I. PAUL BETTANY, aware of Marvel's recent track record, dutifully makes countless attempts to create a memorable, interesting new villain before finally deciding FUCK IT I'M JUST GONNA STUFF JAMES SPADER'S AUDITION TAPE FOR "THE BLACKLIST" INTO A MURDERBOT, STILL BETTER THAN FUCKING MALLAKESH.

INT. PARTY ROOM

ROBERT and MARK rejoin the others and drink and do cool AVENGERS STUFF together like BEST BUDS as if it's NO BIG DEAL.

DON CHEADLE

Oh hey Robert, just wanted you to know that Anthony Mackie and I aren't sore at all being left out of the HYDRA fight, after all he only took out a whole helicarrier by himself while I'm a militarily-trained fighter with THE EXACT SAME SUIT AS YOU, DICK.

DON promptly FUCKS OFF out of the movie. Suddenly...

ROBOT JAMES SPADER

Greetings Avengers! I am an evil robot bent on the destruction of all humanity, but don't worry about me being menacing or machine-like, I still do the whole sarcastic quip thing like the rest of everyone Joss Whedon writes dialog for. Also I killed JARVIS in a ridiculous scene where two different colored sets of blocks glowed at each other. Hollywood's grasp of technology is firmly stuck in the 90's.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Oh no, but JARVIS is how I interact with my suits, he's how I process data, he runs pretty much all aspects of my superheroing, without him I won't have an endless supply of lazy narrative cheats just kidding, I've loaded up a replacement JARVIS and it's a girl.

Suddenly a bunch of BROKEN IRON MAN ROBOTS, now controlled by JAMES SPADER, attack! They are dispatched effortlessly since their primary function was WALKING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE.

ROBOT JAMES SPADER

Mwahaha, behold, the "Age of Ultron" has begun! It will last five days. "Work Week of Ultron" didn't test well.

(flies away)

COBIE SMULDERS

Right. My job now is to hand people folders while walking, so here's a folder with a picture of Andy Serkis in it. Go find him.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Serkis! He smuggles vibranium out of the fictional African nation of Wakanda! He uses it to create counterfeit Best Actor Oscars since he can't get a real one - BOOM, you just got put on blast Serkis, motion capture isn't real acting you punk bitch!

CHRIS EVANS

Then we have no choice but to abandon the America-centric locales of the first Avengers film and travel to faraway, exotic lands, none of which actually exist! To Wakanadia!

INT. VIBRANIUM SMUGGLING FACILITY - FAKE AFRICA

CHRIS, OTHER CHRIS, and ROBERT all go to WAKANDA, which is the MOST TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED COUNTRY in the ENTIRE MARVEL UNIVERSE but since it's in AFRICA it still has DIRT ROADS and tons of VIOLENT THUGS with MACHINE GUNS. They confront ROBOT JAMES SPADER, who has already dismissed the ANDY SERKIS CAMEO and enlisted the help of AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON and ELIZABETH OLSEN.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Alright Spader, we're taking you down. As an engineer, your weirdly flexible chrome skin mouth offends me. Fucking Transformers did robot mouths better, why do your lips even move?

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Not so vast! I am Qvicksilver, and have power of super-speed! As Days of Vuture Past show, I am ludicrously owerpowered and can easily--

(knocks himself out)

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Behold, I am the Scarlet Witch, with the power to make Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen regret every career decision they've ever made! Also brain stuff and red things!

ELIZABETH gives everyone NIGHTMARES or VISIONS or PROBABILITIES or WHATEVER NEEDS TO HAPPEN. Suddenly MARK RUFFALO turns into GREEN MARK RUFFALO because M-M-M-M-M-MIND CONTROL.

HULK RUFFALO

RAARRRGH HULK SEE FUTURE WHERE UNIVERSAL STILL OWN RIGHTS TO HULK SOLO FILM! PLANET HULK OFF TABLE! HULK SMASH ENTIRE CITY!!!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Time to bring down my larger Iron Man suit that wraps around my normal Iron Man suit like a hilarious Russian doll but nobody is going to laugh because all the sweaty neckbeards in the audience are squealing "HULKBUSTERRRRR" right now!

ROBERT and MARK proceed to MAN OF STEEL their way through DOWNTOWN WAKANDA.

CHADWICK BOSEMAN

(not present)

Eventually ROBERT throws an ENTIRE BUILDING at MARK so he takes a NAP.

INT. QUINJET

COBIE SMULDERS

So yeah, everyone's pretty upset how you annihilated that city. But just give it a few days until that fuckawful Supergirl TV trailer comes out and HOO BOY, this little mess will be forgotten faster than Terrence Howard.

JEREMY RENNER

We can all hide out at my private farm! I've kept it totally under the radar by making Hawkeye so boring and useless people would forget all about me. And hey, worst case, my whole family dies.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I wouldst love to, but I wilt find Stellan SkarsgÄrd so he may help me find a pool... that gives... uh, visions? Apologies, the whole of this subplot clearly wound up on the cutting room floor and everyone just gaveth up, is there a Razzie for Worst Editing?

The team dick around on the FARM for a while. Upstairs, MARK has just finished scrubbing the green paint from behind his ears when SCARLETT walks in.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I need to tell you something Mark. As a child I was brainwashed and psychologically tortured to become an unfeeling killing machine. My humanity was stripped away and as a final insult, they performed invasive surgery against my will. So what I'm saying is that I have terrible deep-seated scars that, like many victims, lead me to feel bad about myself.

MARK RUFFALO

Wow, that's some deep shit to be dropping into a popcorn escapist blockbuster. We'd better be real careful how we --

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I HAVE NO WOMB WHO'S THE MONSTER NOW

MARK RUFFALO

Aww fuck, let's abruptly change the subject - hey I bet Spader is going to Korea to have Claudia Kim build him a vibranium-skinned body!

CHRIS EVANS

What the fudge?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Just go with it, Joss Whedon was told to cut four hours out of this movie, you're lucky we still say complete sentences.

INT. MEDICAL RESEARCH FACILITY - EAST KOREA

ROBOT JAMES SPADER has convinced CLAUDIA KIM to join his ranks through convincing argument or perhaps he's got her family held hostage and is demanding she comply or NAH FUCK IT MMMMMMMMMIND CONTROL AGAIN.

CLAUDIA KIM

Your new robot body is being synthesized. It's purple for some reason, and it looks like Paul Bettany who was announced as Vision and has been providing the voice of JARVIS for five movies, gosh, I wonder what will happen.

JAMES SPADER

Perfect, soon I will be able to use this body to finish my master plan to destroy the planet using a device that doesn't depend on my having this body in any way!

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Did you say destroy planet? I am part of planet, so I am Avenger now.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Da, I am also Avenger now, who could guess red-eyed robot voiced by creepy actor is bad guy?

Suddenly SPADER'S UPLOAD of his brain into PURPLE PAUL BETTANY is CANCELLED as HALF OF THE AVENGERS show up. There's an extended MATRIX RELOADED CAR CHASE that ends with SPADER getting away with SCARLETT and THE AVENGERS getting PURPLE PAUL BETTANY.

CHRIS EVANS

Well, we prevented Krang here from getting a new body and we lost the only female member, but we've added three new Avengers to the roster, so I'd say this was a net win for Hasbro.

JEREMY RENNER

Oh good, just what this franchise needed, more superheroes. Let's turn that mailbox into a superhero too. Maybe this hubcap?

The TEAM returns to NEW YORK about 6,800 MILES AWAY but that's at least a 4.5 HOUR FLIGHT so...

IMMEDIATE SMASH CUT TO:

INT. AVENGERS TOWER - NEW YORK CITY

ROBERT and MARK are doing SCIENCE with the MAGIC ROBOT while everyone else is CONVENIENTLY IN ANOTHER ROOM.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Mark, this robot has an infinity stone in it or some shit. I want to experiment with it, just give me three hours.

MARK RUFFALO

Wait, what's happening right now?

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Look, you know how we've been trying to create a super advanced team to protect the world from murderous robots? Well, this technology from those exact same robots, used by the leader of those robots to nearly destroy us all, might be the key to stopping future robots! I'm going to turn it on and see what happens.

MARK RUFFALO

This feels really familiar...

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Okay I'm running not_a_murderbot.exe. Now let's go party--

CHRIS EVANS

Not so fast! Just what do you think you're doing, Robert? What on Earth makes this different than the last time you did this? No, seriously, can you explain it? I feel like something got cut out again and I'm lost.

MARK RUFFALO

It's different because the gem is yellow instead of blue, Chris! Holy shit, I'm defending this? This is so contrived.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

I vill use super-speed to stop from happening!

JEREMY RENNER

Not if I have anything to say about it! Wait, I'm in favor of this too? And did I just use a bullet instead of an arrow? What the hell is going on here?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

(flying in)

VERILY I KNOW NOT WHAT THE FUCK STAGE YOUR EXPERIMENT HAS REACHED BUT I'M GONNA JUST ELECTROCUTE SHIT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!!

(zaps every fucking thing)

PURPLE PAUL BETTANY pops out!

PURPLE PAUL BETTANY

Have no fear, Avengers. I only got the good parts of Spader, and the good parts of the mind gem. And maybe JARVIS? Also I can fly because robot stuff. And hell, I can just make a cape appear on me, why the fuck not?

CHRIS EVANS

So are you a good robot? Your eyes aren't red so my guess is that you are.

PURPLE PAUL BETTANY

I don't think it's that simple, but yes it's that simple I'm totally good. Let's kill Ultron! With kindness! And head lasers.

JEREMY RENNER

Excuse me, Scarlett just tapped two wires together half a world away, it seems Ultron has returned to the only other location we've been to in this movie! Wow, how did we not think to look there? Anyway, he has an army of robots and we have to stop him.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

So just like last time, we have to fight a huge army of weak henchmen in the middle of a big city? Is it time to admit that the MCU has matured past the capabilities of Joss Whedon now?

CHRIS EVANS

This is different. Last time it was an army of actual living, breathing aliens, which somehow all died when we blew up the central ship. This time, it's actual machines, which you'd expect to shut down if we killed Spader, but in fact have to be dealt with individually.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Before we go, can I change out of gym clothes? No, I wear track suit for rest of movie because I am Russian?

EXT. DOWNTOWN FAKE EUROPE

JAMES SPADER has used the VIBRANIUM to build a giant JET PACK for the city of SOKOSLOVAKIASTAN, which is now floating in midair.

CHRIS EVANS

Alright Avengers, it's time for the brain-numbing action climax that plays out almost identically to every other Marvel movie. Hemsworth, I need you to go away for a while so that nobody remembers how you could effortlessly just electrocute all of these robots and end this battle.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

The usual, understood.

(leaves)

CHRIS EVANS

Mark, go find Scarlett Johansson. James Spader left her alive for absolutely no reason, it's ridiculous.

MARK RUFFALO

On it. And I promise I won't turn green, I'll just grab Scarlett and we'll move away and live together and not help stop the world from being destroyed. Superheroes!

(leaves)

CHRIS EVANS

Robert, I need you to fly around pointlessly and explain over and over what Spader's plan is until it stops sounding idiotic.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

Yes sir! He's going to lift up this entire city and then drop it and kill the planet and I've got my work cut out for me, huh?. You sure you wouldn't rather I just detonate an EMP and end all this? Whatever.

(leaves)

CHRIS EVANS

The rest of you, come with me. Priority one is to get the civilians to safety. You hear that, Zack Snyder? This whole third act is a big fat middle finger to you.

JAMES SPADERBOT

BWAH HA! Tremble before my awesome new vibranium body, which appears to be exactly as strong and resilient as my previous body!

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Is just me or is crazy that darker, more mature Avengers movie still has no stakes because nobody die?

Suddenly CHRIS EVANS, ROBERT DOWNEY JR., SCARLETT JOHANSSON, JEREMY RENNER, DON CHEADLE, ANTHONY MACKIE, PAUL BETTANY, and ELIZABETH OLSEN are confirmed for CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR. MARK RUFFALO rumored.

AARON TAYLOR-JOHNSON

Oh.

(dies)

You did not see this coming? Crap, I have 5 lines in movie and two are same. I've been Hawkeye'd.

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Noooooooo my brother is dead!

JEREMY RENNER

Oh like Sebastian Stan from Captain America? Or Clark Gregg from Avengers? Or Gwyneth Paltrow from Iron Man 3? Or Tom Hiddleston from Thor 2? Or Sam Jackson from Captain America 2? Or Vin Diesel from Guardians of the Galaxy?

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Nyet, actually dead. Like "we can't top X-Men's Quicksilver so fuck it" dead.

CHRIS EVANS

Okay but we can obviously revive him with Project TAHITI which was specifically developed to "revive fallen Avengers". Or we could use Thanos's time gem and undo it. Or we could upload his consciousness into a computer, a robot, or a life model decoy. These are all actually things.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Holy hell comic books are asinine, why are people acting like we're not watching the death throes of filmmaking?

Everyone gathers in the middle of the city to play TOWER DEFENSE with an onslaught of robots that ELIZABETH OLSEN could instantly vaporize with her mind. Eventually, all of the robots are dead except JAMES SPADER. Then JAMES SPADER is too! Maybe!

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

The day is won! Now I must away to collect my deleted scenes and rework them into Thor 3!

GREEN MARK RUFFALO

HULK FLY JET AWAY BUT NOT INTO STARS! PLANET HULK NOT HAPPENING, STOP TWEETING PUNY MARK RUFFALO!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

I've decided to retire as Iron Man, once again. Perhaps I'll go into politics, wink wink, franchise building.

CHRIS EVANS assembles a team of NEW AVENGERS consisting of ANTHONY MACKIE, DON CHEADLE, SCARLETT JOHANSSON, ELIZABETH OLSEN, and PURPLE PAUL BETTANY.

CHRIS EVANS

Okay, I got two black guys, two women, and a robot. That should keep the bleeding-heart pinko Commies satisfied... until this team horribly fucks up and starts the Civil War, of course!

(deep breath)

Avengers... assem--

END

JOSS WHEDON winks so hard that his eyeball breaks. After some credits...

JOSH BROLIN

Mwa-ha-ha, I am Thanos and my movie doesn't come out until 2018. Will you be able to see the payoff to all of these stupid teases, or will superhero fatigue set in after the releases of Ant-Man, Fantastic Four, Deadpool, Batman 5 Superman, Captain America 3 aka Avengers 2.5, X-Men Apocalypse, Suicide Squad with Marilyn Manson as The Joker, Gambit starring Magic Mike, Doctor Strange starring Khan, Wolverine 3, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Wonder Woman maybe, Spider-Man reboot reboot, Fantastic Four 2 yes really, Thor 3, Justice League, and the Flash movie that isn't affiliated with the TV show? You're all doomed! DOOOOOMED!

END

Nothing else happens after the credits. People look pissed.

END

Well, that's one way to fail the police academy driving course.
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