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Three Blundred: Cries of a Moviegoer
300: Rise of an Empire

300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. THE HOT GATES, GREECE - AT THE END OF THE FIRST MOVIE

UNCREDITED GERARD BUTLER and his SPARTAN WARRIORS are STILL DEAD as FUCK. PERSIAN GOD-KING and aspiring VEGAS SHOWGIRL RODRIGO SANTORO cuts off GERARD’s HEAD with an AXE that flies right out of the screen in 3D.

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)

Now that my husband King Gerard is dead his main character powers should transfer over to me any second now... heywaitaminute, why am I narrating? The main characters in these movies don’t narrate.

SULLIVAN STAPLETON

(with blank stare)

That’s because I’m the main character now.

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)

And who the fuck are you?

SULLIVAN STAPLETON

(with bland stare of blankness)

I’m an Athenian warrior. We stand apart from the Spartans, despite the fact we look, act, train, fight and dress alike and take the same steroids, but our capes are blue instead of red so we are totally different.

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)

No, I meant who the fuck ARE YOU, Sullivan Stapleton? You’re a total nobody while I’m currently acting in the second most popular TV show with zombies. Why don’t I have a bigger role here? Is this because I don’t have a penis?

PRODUCER ZACK SNYDER

Bingo. Plus studios have a thing for casting wooden Australian actors in the leads of their big CGI fests ever since James Cameron made it a thing.

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)

Well maybe I can play the obligatory “tough girl” role? Every action movie needs one of those these days, right?

EVA GREEN

(steals that role)

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)

Oh Gods damnit. Do I at least get to kill some fucking Persians?

PRODUCER ZACK SNYDER

Maybe. If there’s time at the end.

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)

(frowns)

EXT. GREECE - BEFORE THE FIRST MOVIE

The invading PERSIAN ARMY is in retreat when their king IGAL NAOR is shot with an arrow. His son, NORMAL LOOKING RODRIGO SANTORO, is at his side.

NORMAL LOOKING RODRIGO SANTORO

No dad! Don’t die here!

IGAL NAOR

You’re right, son. Carry me several thousand miles back to my kingdom so I can die there instead!

THIS HAPPENS.

IGAL NAOR

Holy shit, was this arrow sticking out of my chest the entire trip back? How am I even still alive?

NORMAL LOOKING RODRIGO SANTORO

I will avenge you father!

IGAL NAOR

No, son. Only a god can defeat the Greeks, and you’re just a whiny dork so don’t even think about erk!

(croaks)

EVA GREEN

You’re king now, Rodrigo. And as your top general I say we go bust Greece's shit way the fuck up.

NORMAL LOOKING RODRIGO SANTORO

Eva, are we really supposed to buy you as a Persian?

EVA GREEN

No, I’m actually Greek but I hate the Greeks because they burned down my village, raped and murdered my family, enslaved me for 10 years in which I was raped daily, then thrown away like trash until the Persians took me in and trained me to be a badass warrior.

NORMAL LOOKING RODRIGO SANTORO

Holy fuck, you’re basically William Wallace with less feminine hair. How is the audience not supposed to root for you to break your foot off in Greece’s ass after hearing that?

EVA GREEN

Good point. Why exactly would the movie give us both such tragic back stories with justifiable reasons for wanting to burn Greece to the ground, Zack?

PRODUCER ZACK SNYDER

It doesn’t matter because Persians=bad, even though you were the guys fighting against homophobic baby murderers in the first movie.

EVA GREEN

Well Rodrigo, before we take on Greece you need to become a God, so go to this mystical monk spa resort in the desert and be sure to take a swim in their magical pool of piss water, that should do the trick.

THIS HAPPENS and NORMAL LOOKING RODRIGO emerges from the PISS WATER as XERXES.

RODRIGO SANTORO

Huh? How the hell did the piss water make me grow 4 feet and shave all my hair off? And was there a jewelry store and a piercing shop in there as well? Grrrr! This is totally ruining the realism of the first movie!

EVA GREEN

Yeah right, because mutants, dinosaurs, and goat-headed dudes playing the flute was all historically accurate.

EXT. GREEK COAST - DURING THE EVENTS OF THE FIRST MOVIE(?)

SULLIVAN and his GREEK TROOPS are preparing for a huge naval battle with EVA’s SHIPS.

SULLIVAN STAPLETON

(with blank stare of blandness)

Freedom democracy patriotism liberty. There, that should be enough buzzwords to let everyone know we’re the good guys. Now let’s go kill those Persian sumbitches!

RANDOM GREEK SOLDIER

Wait, that’s it? No cool speeches? No catchy one liners? How do you expect the internet to make a meme out of you?

LENA HEADEY (V.O.)

Maybe I should tell everyone about Sullivan’s badass upbringing which could include a way more tragic origin than Eva’s so the audience cares about him and actually wants to see him defeat her?

This DOESN’T HAPPEN.

EVA’s ships get their ASSES KICKED by SULLIVAN’s ships by simply CRASHING INTO THEM. The Greek soldiers board the Persian ships and they FIGHT. Cartoony CGI BLOOD flies right out of the screen in 3D.

EVA GREEN

(vamping)

Damn you, Sullivan! Clearly I underestimated your blandness. Hows about you come over to my ship alone and without any weapons so we can discuss things in private, hmm?

THIS HAPPENS.

EVA GREEN

You really agreed to that? You’re not the freshest yogurt in the dairy isle, are you?

SULLIVAN STAPLETON

(staring, blankly)

Now that I’m here, how do you plan to convince me and my Greek army to surrender?

EVA GREEN

By using my vagina of course!

They proceed to strategically HATE-FUCK EACH OTHER. EVA’s BOOBS fly right out of the screen in 3DD.

EVA GREEN

Let’s see if we can perform every single pornographic sex position known to man in the span of let’s say 15 seconds? And... GO!

THIS HAPPENS.

EVA GREEN

(grinding)

So Sullivan, will you surrender?

SULLIVAN STAPLETON

(staring blankly)

(at boobs)

Narp.

EVA GREEN

(stops grinding)

Then enjoy your blue balls. Guards, let him go completely unharmed!

MASKED PERSIAN GUARD #1

Huh, you sure about that Eva? Wouldn’t killing him aid us as well as demoralize the enemy?

MASKED PERSIAN GUARD #2

After all King Gerard did mercilessly kick our messenger into the Pit of Death in the first movie, who it turns out was your mentor.

MASKED PERSIAN GUARD #1

And don’t forget Sullivan’s people raped and murdered your family and enslaved you.

MASKED PERSIAN GUARD #2

And killed Rodrigo’s dad while he was retreating.

MASKED PERSIAN GUARD #1

And they work with the Spartans who kill babies, we can not stress the baby killing enough, and--

EVA GREEN

Okay okay, maybe you guys do have a point. Perhaps I had better kill Sullivan just in case.

SULLIVAN STAPLETON

(gone)

EVA GREEN

Well fuckity shit.

EXT. GREEK COAST

There’s another SEA BATTLE, but this time SULLIVAN rams a Persian ship filled with OIL.

EVA GREEN

Yes! My plan must be to lure the Greeks into surrounding my oil boat and then blow it up with a fire arrow! Also known as the "Tyrion Lannister Maneuver!"

ACTUALLY, NO, the GREEKS accidentally set fire to the oil ship and BLOW THEMSELVES UP because they are DUMB. Only THEN does EVA use a FIRE ARROW to blow up SULLIVAN's ship as an AFTERTHOUGHT. SULLIVAN is presumed dead.

EVA GREEN

Wait, so we had oil bombs and fire arrows this whole time?! Why the mother fuck did we not use these in the first place?! Surely I will order my forces to hurl fire arrows at the enemy until they all burn from this battle onward?

No she DOESN'T because she has the IQ of a BANANA.

Under water, SULLIVAN is about to be eaten by a SEA MONSTER, but isn't because [SCENE MISSING].

EXT. THE HOT GATES

RODRIGO and his army march past HEADLESS GERARD BUTLER and his DEADER THAN DEAD SPARTANS.

RODRIGO SANTORO

FINALLY we’ve caught up to the end of the first movie, mostly. Jesus, some title cards would be nice.

RODRIGO is joined by rat-fuck traitor QUASIMODO MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN.

RODRIGO SANTORO

Andrew, I need you to go tell the Athenians I plan to kill them all with fire if they don’t bow to me.

MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN

Err, wouldn’t it make more sense to send a different messenger? After all I’m the asshole who betrayed Gerard and got all the Spartans killed. They’ll probably dropkick my ass into the Pit of Death the first chance they get!

RODRIGO SANTORO

Oh I hope so.

EXT. GREEK HALL OF JUSTICE

MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN

How the hell did I get here so fast?

SULLIVAN STAPLETON

(blankly staring, with blandness)

The same way I got here from the battlefield in only one scene transition: poor editing.

MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN

Rodrigo plans to demolish Athens, so just revenge-kill me already.

SULLIVAN STAPLETON

(after having severe Botox injection)

But if I did that then who would be able to tell Rodrigo I said to go fuck himself?

MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN

It's like I'm relaying messages between my parents all over again.

EXT. ATHENS

PERSIANS are laying waste to the city. EVA pouts over SULLIVAN’s apparent death while RODRIGO is eating CHICKEN WINGS and wearing FLIP FLOPS.

RODRIGO SANTORO

Only God-Kings can truly rock flip flops.

(licking fingers)

Damn these wings are good. Is that KC Masterpiece I taste?

MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN

Master! The Greeks plan to attack you! And Sullivan is still alive!

EVA GREEN

That news makes my lady parts tingle. I shall attack the Greeks with my entire fleet with the hopes of seeing my honey-bunny Sully one last time.

RODRIGO SANTORO

Oh for heavens sake Eva, you don’t even know that guy! There was nothing impressive about his battle strategy and he looked constipated the entire time you were having sex! Why are you so into him?

EVA GREEN

Can’t... resist... main character... attraction...

RODRIGO SANTORO

So even though you rose from nothing to become one of the most powerful women ever leading one of the biggest armies in history, you suddenly can't do your job because you have the hots for a man with Austin Powers teeth? Sexist much? Eva? Eva?

EVA GREEN

(writing Sullivan's name in her diary and drawing little hearts around it)

RODRIGO SANTORO

I predict the next thing Sullivan stabs you with will not be his penis.

Meanwhile SULLIVAN holds an inspirational pre-battle PEP-RALLY for his troops.

SULLIVAN STAPLETON

(January Jones > This Guy)

Freedom democracy patriotism liberty. There, that should be enough buzzwords to make you guys follow my dull ass into battle. Now let’s go kill some fucking Persian!

GREEK SOLDIERS

Yeah. Okay. Whatever.

EXT. BATTLE OF SALAMIS

It’s another SEA battle, but this one is different from all the OTHER SEA BATTLES we’ve seen by being filmed with a DIFFERENT INSTAGRAM FILTER.

SULLIVAN’s ships crash into EVA’s ships AGAIN because the PERSIANS have a serious LEARNING DISABILITY and to them TURNING their goddamn ships is ROCKET SCIENCE. The Persian's MASSIVE FUCKING STUPIDITY flies right out of the screen in 3D.

SULLIVAN and EVA face-off.

EVA GREEN

Hello Sullivan. Do you like my new spiky spine battle armor? I wore it just for you.

SULLIVAN STAPLETON

(with stare of intense blankitude)

Indeed. And do you like my... speedo? Sorry, this is the only article of clothing I own. For once the male lead in a Hollywood movie is more scantly clad than his female co-star.

EVA GREEN

Join me Sullivan, and together we can rule the world as fuck buddies!

SULLIVAN STAPLETON

(impersonating a 2x4)

Sorry Eva, but I would rather die a free man than as a slave, even if the chain was attached to you.

EVA GREEN

I knew! Just another man afraid of commitment! And it seems your rebuff has caused me to lose all of my badassness! Argh!

SULLIVAN gets the upper hand on EVA just as LENA arrives with a legion of ships which are all part of the “FUCK RODRIGO SANTORO ALLIANCE”.

SULLIVAN STAPLETON

(with less mobility in his face than a 2000 year old corpse)

Your fleet is surrounded, Eva. Surrender or die.

EVA GREEN

I don’t know what’s worse, that I won’t get to avenge my murdered family or that my character has fuck-all to do with the real Artemisia. Now if you don’t mind I’d like to impale myself on your stiff rod.

EVA jumps on SULLIVAN’s sword, killing herself.

SULLIVAN STAPLETON

Yeah, not the rod I was hoping she meant.

LENA HEADEY

(arriving)

Yes! Eva’s dead! That means you guys need a new tough girl! And just in time for the big climax!

PRODUCER ZACK SNYDER

Uh, the movie’s over, Lena.

LENA HEADEY

(devastated)

What? But... but I got all dressed up in my Persian-killing evening dress! And I’ve even got Gerard’s sword and everything!

PRODUCER ZACK SNYDER

Sorry Lena, but the macho douchebags in the audience already have a stick up their ass because we showed a woman fighting and commanding soldiers instead of being in the kitchen. Showing TWO women fighting and commanding soldiers in the same movie might be too much for those macho douchebags' small penises to bear. Maybe you’ll get to kill something in the next episode?

LENA HEADEY

That’s what the Game of Thrones writers always say.

PRODUCER ZACK SNYDER

(sigh)

Oh alright, let her kill some Persians. Those dirty sons of bitches.

LENA HEADEY

ALL-RIGHT!

THIS HAPPENS for about 3 WHOLE SECONDS.

LENA HEADEY

Well. That was unsatisfying.

PRODUCER ZACK SNYDER

That's not the first time I woman has said that in my presence.

The CONTEMPT of several thousand MOVIEGOERS who realize they are $11 dollars poorer flies right at the screen in RealD.

END

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