Bond was starting to think maybe this woman really WASN'T a licensed chiropractor!


Bond was starting to think maybe this woman really WASN'T a licensed chiropractor!

GOLDENEYE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. EVIL RUSSIAN WEAPONS FACILITY OF EVIL (ALSO AN EVIL MEAT STORING PLANT)

PIERCE BROSNAN infiltrates the facility by throwing himself off of a DAM in FULL VIEW of any SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS that are around.

RUSSIAN SECURITY GUARDS

(too busy braiding each other's hair to notice)

PIERCE meets up with his partner SEAN BEAN, who’s holding a GUN on him.

SEAN BEAN

Can you tell I'm evil yet? I don't want to give it away too soon.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Given the fact you turn out to be a cocksucking traitor later on, what's stopping you from just killing me right now?

SEAN BEAN

My master plan to fake my death must hinge on letting you escape so you can go tell everyone at MI6 how I heroically died in the line of duty.

PIERCE BROSNAN

That plan only works if you make it stupidly easy for me to escape.

SEAN BEAN

I will. All you'll need to do is dodge a fuckstorm of bullets, steal a motorcycle, dive off of a cliff in said motorcycle where a plane has plummeted off, catch up to that plane in mid air, then somehow get inside the plane and pull up seconds before crashing into the ground.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Yeah that sounds doable.

Evil Russian General GOTTFRIED JOHN “captures” SEAN.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Jesus Sean, are you actually down on your knees with your hands neatly folded as Gottfried holds a gun to your head? Nothing suspicious about that.

SEAN BEAN

Well I was going to wear a gift wrapping bow but I thought that might be too obvious. Don't forget to set those explosives you're planting for 6 minutes!

(shot dead!)

GOTTFRIED JOHN

But Sean’s not really dead so my gun must be filled with blanks!

He then shoots one of HIS OWN SOLDIERS with THAT VERY SAME GUN, KILLING HIM DEAD.

GOTTFRIED JOHN

Uhh... Only the first bullet was a blank? Holy fuck is this plan to fake Sean's death in front of Pierce super fucking convoluted.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Well shit, now I had better set the timer on these explosives from 6 minutes to 3 minutes even though Gottfried has been rambling on for at least 8 minutes!

PIERCE escapes by throwing BEER KEGS at GOTTFRIED and FLIES AWAY on a cloud of BULLSHIT.

SEAN BEAN

Yes! Just as I planned! Now to escape this death trap before it blows up! I have a whole 6 minutes so I'll walk leisurely towards the nearest exit, maybe trim my fingernails and balance my checkbook along the way juuuust before reaching minimal safe dist

(caught in explosion)

(becomes Two-Face)

TINA TURNER

(wailing)

Hope has died, cliches are its weakness,

Trailers lied, nothing new we can spot,

Run and hide, they'll milk the franchise forever,

It'll take forever,

Before they change up the plot!

Let this series diiiiie!

Because it's so Hackn, Hackn, Hackneyed!

Watch it hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh!!!!!

EXT. 9 YEARS LATER

PIERCE is having his spyness evaluated by an older experienced hetero male colleagueHAHAHAHA NO IT’S SOME WOMAN HE FUCKS.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Wait, I'm driving a DB5? MI6 must give out expensive classic cars to their secret agents based on the boner scale.

FAMKE JANSSEN

(speeding by)

Hey Pierce! I’m Sean’s right-hand woman so I thought I’d introduce myself!

PIERCE BROSNAN

So am I investigating you while also being evaluated by MI6? Or did we just happen to be driving down the same narrow highway at the same time by pure lazy plot convenience?

FAMKE JANSSEN

When I kill people I orgasm.

PIERCE BROSNAN

So, lazy plot convenience then.

FAMKE literally FUCKS A GUY TO DEATH in order to steal a HELICOPTER.

GUY WHO GOT FUCKED TO DEATH

Worth it!

EXT. STALINRUSSIASLOVIA

IZABELLA SCORUPCO and ALAN CUMMING are computer programmers working at a secret Russian spy facility in the middle of the ANTARCTIC.

ALAN CUMMING

I am an awful hacker cliche who tells jokes even lamer than Jay Leno's. I also have awful fashion sense and my hacker avatar is a cartoon headshot of my real face so everyone knows who I am. I'm basically The Riddler.

IZABELLA SCORUPCO

And I have lady parts.

FAMKE and GOTTFRIED arrive in the stolen helicopter and kill everyone, except IZABELLA who hides.

FAMKE JANSSEN

She must be in the vent! I’ll use my gun's shoulder stock as a vibrator while I shoot at it! The lack of blood or screams of agonizing pain assure me Izzy's dead because coming makes your brain dumb.

GOTTFRIED JOHN

Now that we have stolen the Russian’s top secret EMP space laser called GoldenEye it's time to escape before it destroys this place!

ALAN CUMMING

But the helicopter only seats two people. How do I escape with you and Famke?

GOTTFRIED JOHN

Uh... maybe we strap you to the side of the helicopter or something?

ALAN CUMMING

Well there were sled dogs, maybe I use those--

IZABELLA SCORUPCO

Nope, that’s my escape route.

ALAN presumably sits on GOTTFRIED’S LAP as they escape with FAMKE in the helicopter.

The GOLDENEYE weapon shoots LIGHTNING at the facility. Harmless explosions happen all around IZABELLA and a SATELLITE DISH falls on her head.

IZABELLA SCORUPCO

I’m fine!

INT. MI6

PIERCE meets with his new boss JUDI DENCH who inspires a then 1 year old JUSTIN BIEBER on how to style his hair.

JUDI DENCH

I'm the first female M so I’ll start my reign by making smart decisions like not letting Pierce pursue Famke, not following up on the EMP-proof helicopter she stole, and believing the Russians were too stupid to have a GoldenEye weapon in the first place all against Pierce's advice.

PIERCE BROSNAN

I’d hate to say I told you so but-- oh wait no I wouldn’t TOLD YOU SO!

JUDI DENCH

Oh yeah? Well Bond’s a sexist shit-smear from a bygone era where he rapes a woman in the third movie. Seriously. Everyone was just okay with it for some reason.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Hey that’s not my fault! Moore’s goofball Bond got old and Dalton’s serious Bond was ahead of its time so now I’m bringing my Remington Steel Bond to the table.

JUDI DENCH

You left out George Lazenby, what about him?

PIERCE BROSNAN

(hysterical laughter)

DESMOND LLEWELYN

Greetings 007, I’m your gadget man Q! Here’s a BMW that shoots rockets that you’ll never use! Also a grappling hook belt and a grenade pen! Also these special condoms!

PIERCE BROSNAN

Condoms? What do those do?

DESMOND LLEWELYN

Decrease the risk of STD's! They also reduce the sensation of coitus!

PIERCE BROSNAN

No thanks, the belt and pen will be enough.

EXT. RUSKISLOVAKIA

IZABELLA is on the run trying to find a safe place to stay when she gets in contact with ALAN.

ALAN CUMMING

Izabella, you can’t trust ANYONE, not even me, because I’m working with Famke! Gotcha!

IZABELLA SCORUPCO

(is captured)

Fucking mutants!

Meanwhile PIERCE meets up with one of the villains from THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS who’s a good guy now for some reason. He then meets up with Russian crime boss ROBBIE COLTRANE.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Hello Robbie, though I once shot you in the leg and slept with your woman I was hoping you could set the past aside and help me fuck Famke.

ROBBIE COLTRANE

You mean so she can lead you to her boss, right?

PIERCE BROSNAN

You heard what I said Hagrid.

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Sorry, it's hard to concentrate over Minnie Driver's lack of talent.

INT. SEXY SEX SPA

PIERCE meets with FAMKE, who exfoliates his esophagus with her TONGUE. Then she disarms him. ALSO with her TONGUE.

PIERCE BROSNAN

I have a trombone you could play. Bom chicka wow wow.

FAMKE JANSSEN

Okay, have you seriously forgotten all about the dead guy I killed with my thighs? Do you really want to risk boning me knowing full well my vagina has a death-fu grip?

PIERCE BROSNAN

You look like Famke Janssen, so yes. Unless you bite my lip. Lip biting kink is where I draw the line, you Upir skank bitch.

(Judo chops Famke)

EXT. STATUE GRAVEYARD

SEAN BEAN

I’m the main villain! Surprise!

PIERCE BROSNAN

Wow! Such an unexpected plot twist... to literally no one who saw the trailer. They really screwed the pooch on keeping your villainy a secret. Is that oatmeal on your face?

SEAN BEAN

I managed to get far enough away from that secret Russian facility you blew up to survive, but was somehow close enough to the blast to get this barely visible scar makeup on my face.

PIERCE BROSNAN

But why would you betray your country?

SEAN BEAN

My parents were Nazis. Or something. It’s not important. Time for me to shoot you in the neck! With a totally nonlethal tranq dart! Now I can keep you alive just long enough to kill you in an elaborate trap and leave while assuming it all went to plan!

PIERCE is killed in the trap and SEAN gets free drinks at the Villains Pub for life predictably escapes the trap using only his FOREHEAD. IZABELLA was also in the trap and they are arrested by TCHEKY KARYO.

INT. ST. PETERSGRAD

TCHEKY KARYO

(killed!)

GOTTFRIED JOHN

I just shot Tcheky with Pierce’s gun! He’ll be framed for the murder of Russia’s defense minister which will go to war with England!

PIERCE BROSNAN

Great plan, Gottfried. Now empty the gun and hand it back to me instead of shooting me with it.

GOTTFRIED JOHN

Sure will! Hey wait a minute

(is knocked out!)

PIERCE kills a FUCKTON of innocent Russian servicemen who were just trying to stop the guy who apparently JUST KILLED THEIR DEFENSE MINISTER.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Who cares? They’re Russians, not human beings. Fuck’em.

(gets his kill on)

GOTTFRIED kidnaps IZABELLA and escapes in a car. PIERCE chases after them in the most inconspicuous vehicle available to him: a MOTHERFUCKING TANK!

PIERCE BROSNAN

Yes, I’m driving a tank through the middle of a densely populated city during rush hour. What could possibly go wrong?

PIERCE straight up MURDERS a SHITLOAD of innocent motorists OWEN SHAW STYLE.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Hey no I don’t! We see people climbing out of those wrecked cars even though I crushed them like beer cans!

This is true only because of EDITING, even though it is TOTAL GRADE AA+ FAKE ASS BULLSHIT.

EXT. TRAIN YARD

GOTTFRIED and IZABELLA arrive at SEAN’s ridiculous NOSE TRAIN. PIERCE manages to follow them undetected while still in his TANK. SOMEHOW.

FAMKE JANSSEN

I’m wearing an Elvira costume unironically.

SEAN BEAN

So Gottfried, you had Pierce dead to rights and you didn’t kill him? What the hell man?

GOTTFRIED JOHN

Pot, kettle, black.

PIERCE heads off SEAN’s train in his TANK, SOMEHOW, and parks it on the tracks without ANYONE noticing before it’s too late.

FAMKE JANSSEN

He’s going to derail the train and violently murder us all with twisted metal fiery death!

(flicks her bean)

SEAN BEAN

Honey, you need Jesus.

The train CRASHES. PIERCE shoots GOTTFRIED while SEAN and FAMKE escape.

SEAN BEAN

I’ve trapped you inside the train with 3 minutes to escape before it explodes, because I put callbacks before killing my enemies straight away.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Or you could just lie and blow up the train after you escape?

SEAN BEAN

Sorry can’t hear you over the sound of me leaving and assuming it all went to plan byeeee!

PIERCE BROSNAN

I’ve already used my laser watch to escape, dumbass. Let’s go Izabella.

IZABELLA SCORUPCO

Wait! Alan’s backing up his files using slow ass AOL dial-up! If I do tech bullshit I can find out where Sean’s going!

She does! They escape!

PIERCE BROSNAN

So Izabella, even though we only met last night and you only found out my name an hour ago, I think I’ve earned access to your pants.

IZABELLA SCORUPCO

Access granted!

EXT. CUBA

PIERCE BROSNAN

Aaaaaand now I think I’ll take a break from saving the world to crush Izabella's box on this romantic beach for a few hours.

IZABELLA SCORUPCO

And I’ll be a wet blanket and criticize you for being an emotionless assassin who doesn’t get too attached to people because you tend to get everyone you like killed.

PIERCE BROSNAN

If I wanted to be psychoanalyzed I would have gotten remarried.

They eventually get tired of BONING and fly around in a plane.

IZABELLA SCORUPCO

Sean’s GoldenEye satellite should be right where this lake is.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Indeed. Let’s keep flying around out in the open where Sean can clearly see us coming OH FUCK A MISSILE

Luckily it’s one of those “damages the plane JUUUUST ENOUGH to safely crash land” missiles and not one of those “actual missile” missiles. FAMKE repels down from a helicopter.

FAMKE JANSSEN

Hey Pierce, I broke my Thigh Master. Can I use your pelvis as a replacement?

PIERCE BROSNAN

That doesn’t sound very niceOW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW oooh look a gun.

FAMKE JANSSEN

(is orgasmed to death)

The lake drains IN REVERSE to reveal SEAN’s satellite.

SEAN BEAN

Guards! Kill Pierce!

PIERCE gives himself up and he is taken PRISONER.

SEAN BEAN

Goddamnit I said KILL him! Great! Now I have NO CHOICE but to tell Pierce about my brilliant scheme to electronically rob London banks under the guise of a terrorist attack and use GoldenEye to cover my tracks.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Hans Gruber called, he said stop stealing his shit. You’re not some great super villain Sean, you’re just a lame ass bank robber. You’re pathetic.

SEAN BEAN

Do high horses ride well, Pierce?

IZABELLA SCORUPCO

Ha! While you guys were flirting I hacked Alan’s hacks with hacks and used those hacks to destroy GoldenEye with hacks!

ALAN CUMMING

I can fix it! I just need to play with Pierce’s exploding pen for a moment and NOPE WE’RE BONED

PIERCE tries to protect IZABELLA but a GUARD comes from the left and KILLS HER!

PIERCE BROSNAN

Shit! I didn't see that fucking guy! Okay start the level again.

This time PIERCE kills that one GUARD, but then ANOTHER GUARD comes from the right and KILLS HER!

PIERCE BROSNAN

GODDAMNIT! This game is cheating! Alright start the level over one more time. I got this.

This time PIERCE kills the GUARD on the left and the GUARD on the right, but then this OTHER GUARD totally spawns out of nowhere and KILLS HER AGAIN!

PIERCE BROSNAN

FUCKING FUCK SHIT SHIT FUUUUCK!!!!!!

(throws controller across the room)

This happens FIVE or SIX more times before PIERCE reaches the checkpoint without IZABELLA's ugly pixelated blue shirt turning into a BLOOD STAINED PIXELATED BLUE SHIRT.

PIERCE BROSNAN

You Last of Us players have NO IDEA how fucking easy you have it.

EXT. SATELLITE DISH

PIERCE chases SEAN. There is SHOOTING. And then FIGHTING. And then some more SHOOTING. PIERCE hangs off of a ledge.

SEAN BEAN

Now to finally kill you! Or maybe choke you a bit. What the hell is my problem? Robin Williams has come closer to killing Pierce than I have, and that wasn't even on purpose!

PIERCE BROSNAN

While you were being a little bitch I got the upper hand on you with my forehead. So more like an upper head I guess.

SEAN BEAN

Why can’t you just be a good boy and die?

PIERCE BROSNAN

Because that’s your thing, Sean.

SEAN BEAN

Oh right.

(falls 3,000 feet)

But SEAN hits the ground and his body explodes into a chunky red mist SURVIVES!

SEAN BEAN

Really? Holy shit I can't believe it! Now that God has given me this new lease on life I promise to give up my life of supervillainly and turn over a new leaf by donating to charity, helping orphans, feeding the hungry, sheltering the homeless

(impaled by satellite)

FUUUUUUUUCK!

IZABELLA rescues PIERCE in a helicopter and they fly to safety.

PIERCE BROSNAN

Now, to return to MI6... were I will undoubtedly have to justify all those innocent people I violently murdered with a tank. Seriously, am I not even going to get a strongly worded e-mail from HR about that tank incident?

IZABELLA SCORUPCO

Your license to kill must include civilian casualties! Now that we’ve finished the campaign let’s have some fun in multiplayer!

They activate the BIG HEAD CHEAT CODE and shoot each other in the FACE with GOLDEN GUNS.

END

This script was made possible thanks to the support of Patrons like luord.

If you'd like to support the site, please check out our Patreon page where pledging can earn you access to an ad-free version of the site, early access to scripts, exclusive scripts, and other cool shit.


Discussion