The Abridged Script
EXT. DETROIT - THE NEAR FUTURE
The movie begins with an everyday unremarkable shot of the city skyline then THE ROBOCOP LOGO BITCHSLAPS YOU IN 9,000-POINT FUCKING TYPE BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO WATCH ROBO FUCKING COP ASSHOLE!!! GET GODDAMN READY!!!
INT. NEWS STUDIO
A pair of NEWS ANCHORS report on DARKLY SATIRICAL FUTURE EVENTS that were probably way funnier before REAL LIFE made them its BITCH.
Turning to local news, Kurtwood Smith is a bad guy. We had to mention that because otherwise, when you next see him in a van full of stolen money and criminals and guns, you might be puzzled.
INT. DETROIT POLICE HQ
TOUGH GRIZZLED NO-NONSENSE POLICE SERGEANT ROBERT DOQUI throws some LOWLIFE and his LAWYER out of the building, showcasing his TAKE-CHARGE-SARGE NO-NONSENSENESS.
Aaaaaand that's the only thing I get done in this whole damn movie.
(checks duty roster)
Now let's see, we were supposed to get a transfer today, somebody suitable for being turned into a robot...
GREETINGS SERGEANT. OFFICER PETER WELLER REPORTING FOR DUTY
There you are. Let me introduce you to your partner, Nancy Allen.
(beats shit out of perp)
And that's the only time I beat up anyone in this whole damn movie. C'mon, let me show you our Butts & Boobs room.
INT. CORRUPTO-CORP. MAIN BOARDROOM & DISCOUNT TV MONITOR WAREHOUSE
CORRUPTO-CORP. PRESIDENT DAN O'HERLIHY is holding a meeting.
Since we own the police in a darkly satirical fashion, we need to come up with new cutting-edge ways to walk slowly towards crime.
I have just the thing, sir! Observe, the giant hulking deathbot which we have whimsically named "ED".
The ED-209 DEATHBOT demonstrates the precise calibration of its KICKASS AWESOMENESS sensors by BRUTALLY GUNNING DOWN A CORPORATE SUIT!
Oh whoops, we put live ammo in it, and forgot to put an OFF button on the control panel, and apparently the panel sucks energy from the magnetic field of the Earth since it has no power cord. And ED can react to seeing a gun being pointed, but not to seeing a gun get dropped. Oh, and just one more thing, we suck.
Excuse me! I've got a WAY better idea for gradually approaching felons. It's called RoboCop, and it totally kicks the ass of Ronny's stupid robots. After it slowly walks up to them of course.
EXT. STREETS OF DETROIT
PETER and NANCY have stopped for FOOD.
THIS STREET FOOD SURE IS DELICIOUS NANCY ALLEN
Are you getting shot soon? Tell me it's soon.
Attention all units! Kurtwood Smith and his Hyena Laughter Gang have just robbed the First Dark-Satirical Bank! Can exactly ONE squad car please respond to this extremely violent and dangerous situation! Repeat, ONE squad car!
NANCY and PETER DRIVE OFF and the BUMPER hits a RAMP sending SPARKS EVERYWHERE!
EXT. ANOTHER STREET
We are treated to a LOW-SPEED CAR CHASE where PETER and NANCY fire BULLETS at KURTWOOD'S GANG but KURTWOOD fires a HUMAN BODY back at them! This gives KURTWOOD a TEN-SECOND LEAD which is enough time for his ENTIRE GANG to drive to, enter, spread out inside of, and get comfy within an INDUSTRIAL FACTORY.
SHOULD WE WAIT FOR BACKUP NANCY ALLEN
Nah, we don't need 'em, I got your back! Now let's split up so that neither of us has the other's back.
VERY WELL BE CAREFUL NANCY ALLEN
INT. INDUSTRIAL FACTORY
NANCY corners JESSE D. GOINS!
JESSE D. GOINS
Oops, you caught me taking a piss. Guess I have to show you my big black cock.
You think I give a shit? We already saw how the entire police department showers nude together, I see wang every day...
(remembers that premise of movie must happen)
Okay fine... must... be distracted by... man-meat... cannot... RESIST...
(gets knocked out)
Elsewhere, PETER decides to reveal his position to capture ONE GUY, forgetting there were FOUR OTHER GUYS.
Har har, we got ya, copper!
I SUPPOSE THIS IS WHERE YOU SHOOT ME ONCE AND LEAVE ME FOR DEAD BUT ACTUALLY IT ONLY GRAZED MY
(blows off Peter's hand)
The GANG shoot PETER another ELEVENTY BILLION TIMES and finish off with a HEADSHOT.
HA HA THAT WASN'T MY HEAD IT WAS A PROSTHETIC DUMMY BECAUSE CGI DOESN'T EXIST YET
Whatever. Let's go, guys. And let's not bother checking if that other cop woke up or not.
PETER is rushed to HOSPITAL and pronounced DEAD. Then DOCTORS examine him and pronounce him NO IT'S NOT JUST HIS ACTING STYLE, HE'S ACTUALLY DEAD. Finally he is turned into ROBO-WELLER and pronounced AW YEAAAHHH SHIT BE GETTING REAL NOW, SON
INT. POLICE HQ - A FEW DAYS LATER
Check it out, everyone, it's RoboCop! He's got a huge gun and a bitchin' side-holster! He's big, strong, bulletproof, and he can somehow cram all 400 pounds of himself into a regular car without completely demolishing the suspension!
ROBO-WELLER gets a CAR and DRIVES OFF, hitting a RAMP with the BUMPER sending SPARKS EVERYWHERE!
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE
Gimme all your cash, now!
NOT SO FAST
I MEAN THAT LITERALLY BECAUSE I AM NOT FAST
(throws robber around, destroying store)
Um, that will cost way more in repairs than we have cash. So are you taking that guy in, or...
A WOMAN is grabbed by DETROIT'S WACKIEST RAPISTS!
Hee ha hoo hee, I'm laughing so hard I can barely rape! Remind me, why did we all switch from coke and meth to the Joker's laughing gas?
YOUR MOVE CREEP
(shoots rapist in crotch)
ACTUALLY IT WAS MY MOVE BUT I FOOLED YOU
Thanks RoboCop! So what about the other rapist who is still alive and...
EXT. CITY HALL
ROBO-WELLER defuses a tense, delicate HOSTAGE SITUATION by BUSTING THROUGH A WALL and THROWING THE PERP OUT A GODDAMN WINDOW.
Hostage situation? That was a normal City Council meeting! HEY-OHHHHHH
Our top story tonight: Detroit's awesome new robot cop, strictly programmed to uphold the law by recklessly shooting and maiming and killing people. This might seem odd until you remember that we replaced most of our laws with the slogan "Don't Fuck With Detroit".
The dark satire continues with an advertisement for a NUCLEAR WAR HOLOGRAPHIC FAMILY BOARDGAME which is twisted and dark and evil and WHERE DO I GET THIS GAME I MUST PLAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT RIGHT GODDAMN NOW.
INT. CORRUPTO-CORP. EXECUTIVE SHITBUNKER
Fuck you Miguel! By replacing my robots with your robot, you've ruined my evil plans, all of which centre around the manufacture and sale of robots!
But we own the cops. Can't we just order them to use BOTH our robots?
INT. BACK AT POLICE HQ
ROBO-WELLER is plugged in to RECHARGE for the night which is SILLY because who would ever create COOL FUTURISTIC TECH that needed constant RECHARGING because its STUPID FUCKING LAMEASS BATTERIES were always FUCKING DYING ON IT GODDAMMIT APPLE
Hey, Robo-Weller is still part human, right? How does he eat?
GIRL SCIENTIST WITH CLOTHES MADE OF LEFTOVER SEMAPHORE FLAGS AND GLASSES THE SIZE OF SPACE TELESCOPES
ACTUALLY, we addressed this! He consumes a brownish paste that tastes like baby food.
But how does he, ah, eliminate? Is there some kind of Robo-catheter in...
GIRL SCIENTIST WITH, ETC
ACTUALLY, this is not discussed by anyone ever, because gross.
AARRGHHH I JUST DREAMT THAT 30 YEARS FROM NOW ALL ANYBODY REMEMBERS ABOUT THIS MOVIE IS THE FUCKING I'LL BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR JOKE AARRRRGHHHHHHH
In a fit of confused rage ROBO-WELLER methodically WALKS DOWN THE HALL while the entire precinct frantically STUFFS THEIR HEADS UP THEIR OWN ASS failing to stop him.
My God, it's you, isn't it Peter? I recognized your signature gun-twirling move and your distinctive mouth and your voice and they REALLY made no fucking effort to hide your identity did they. I mean shit, they didn't even transfer the one cop who might recognize you.
EXT. GAS STATION
ROBO-WELLER launches his mission of revenge by DRIVING AROUND AIMLESSLY and of course finds HYENA-GANG member PAUL MCCRANE.
It's impossible! We killed you! ...like, a lot!!
SO MY TRUE IDENTITY WOULD BE IN YOUR FILE
Yeah, I guess. So am I under arrest for robbing a gas station and blowing it up and...
ROBO-WELLER returns to the PRECINCT and uses his POP-OUT TEN-INCH USB ROD (from his ARM, pervs) to hack into the MAINFRAME and learn his HUMAN IDENTITY.
NOW I CAN GO VISIT MY OLD HOUSE RIGHT AFTER I FIX THE HYPERDRIVE ON THE MILLENNIUM FALCON
INT. PETER WELLER'S OLD HOUSE
ROBO-WELLER stomps around recovering MEMORIES of his former life, raising the issue of how can he ever reclaim his lost humanity and OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH, BACK TO FUCKING SHIT UP ALL DARK SATIRICAL STYLE!!
INT. MIGUEL FERRER'S HOUSE
MIGUEL is celebrating his FUTURE-WORLD SUCCESS in a FUTURE-WORLD WAY by having a 1980S COKE PARTY, when KURTWOOD bursts in and shoots MIGUEL in the LEGS, drops a GRENADE, and puts on a DVD.
(writhing in pain)
Oh God! Sweet Jesus, no... kill me if you have to, just don't make me watch Shanghai Surprise again (look it up, kids)!!
Hey Miguel, remember how I threatened you in front of everyone? Well now I'm having you killed. I thought I should leave this recording at the crime scene, just in case it survives the explosion.
You see, I have this WICKED self-incrimination fetish. It's why I pushed for Corrupto-Corp to buy the police in the first place, actually. I just can't stop incriminating myself! Hey, you know who has two thumbs and photocopies his ass at work?
SOME DAY JILL HENNESSY WILL LEARN THE TRUTH AND AVENGE MEEEEEEEEEEE
INT. COCAINE FACTORY
KURTWOOD SMITH goes to get some BULK COCAINE at the local COSTCOKE but suddenly ROBO-WELLER walks in! The BAD GUYS remain standing RIGHT WHERE THEY ARE and fire their GUNS at ROBO-WELLER. This does NOT WORK. In return ROBO-WELLER walks forward and fires his GUN at the BAD GUYS. This WORKS.
How the fuck did this get to be considered an action classic?!
ROBO-WELLER throws KURTWOOD through GLASS a bunch, then breaks protocol by actually ARRESTING him. They DRIVE OFF with the BUMPER hitting a RAMP sending SPARKS EVERYWHERE!!
INT. BACK AT THE PRECINCT
Nice work! Hey, I don't suppose Kurt gave you any crucial information about who he works for?
HE DID BUT I MUST DEAL WITH THIS ALL BY MYSELF FOR NO REASON
ROBO-WELLER walks out with his ASS hitting a RAMP sending SPARKS EVERYWHERE!!
Fucking pigs, I'll never let you know who I work for! Now give me my one phone call so I can call the guy I work for.
INT. CORRUPTO-CORP. HQ
ROBO-WELLER goes to arrest RONNY COX but suddenly...
A-ha! We programmed you so that any action against Corrupto-Corp officers results in shutdown!
Though when I say "shutdown", I mean "very very gradual slowdown, which stops if you leave the room and then you're fine". Ah well, can I quickly confess to killing Miguel Ferrer? Ohh yeah, that's the good stuff.
An ED-209 shoots ROBO-WELLER across the hallway! And then because the ED-209 targeting system is unreliable past TWO INCHES, it WALKS RIGHT UP TO ROBO-WELLER allowing him to TURN ED'S GUNS RIGHT ON ITSELF.
PERHAPS I SHOULD STOP FIRING NOW AH FUCK IT
(blows up own arm)
MUST FIND INGENIOUS ESCAPE SOLUTION THAT CAN THWART ED
The allegedly-built-for-urban-use ED-209 FALLS DOWN THE STAIRS and then SQUEALS LIKE A STUCK PIG for the same reason your COFFEEMAKER has a MONKEY ORGASM when you underfill it.
Hey Robo-Weller, Ronny called us right after Kurtwood called him and said you're evil now! Everyone shoot the fuck out of him!
The COPS use up the NEXT FIVE YEARS' BUDGETED ALLOTMENT OF AMMO on ROBO-WELLER but forget to block the CLOSEST EXIT, allowing NANCY ALLEN to rescue him!
INT. INDUSTRIAL FACTORY
We can rest here. I thought you'd like to revisit where you got brutally murdered! Aren't I thoughtful?
THAT'S OKAY I WILL JUST TEST MY AIM WITH YOUR FACE
Outside, KURTWOOD and his CACKLING CRIMINAL CAVALCADE show up!
All right gang, we've got enormous new military-grade weapons where each shot can annihilate an entire floor of a building. Keep your eyes peeled; once we know where Robo-Weller is, we can simply point in his general direction and fire, game over.
I AM RIGHT OVER HERE AND CANNOT OUTRACE A TURTLE SO WHOOPS
OH SHIT FORGET WHAT I SAID EVERYBODY FREAK THE FUCK OUT!!!
AWRIGHT I'M GONNA DRIVE RIGHT INTO TOXIC WASTE BITCHES!!
I'M DRIVING REALLY SUPER FAST SOMEWHERE!!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING!
I'M DRIVING RIGHT AT YOU KURTWOOD!
SOMEHOW THREE SECONDS IN TOXIC WASTE HAS MADE ME A MUTANT FREAK!
OH YEAHH I'M FLIPPING MY CAR INTO THE RIVER!!
HEY LOOK MY MOUTH OPENS REALLY FUCKING WIDE!!
JESSE D. GOINS
I THINK I'M DEAD NOW OR SOMETHING!
I'M SHOOTING YOU NANCY!
Meanwhile ROBO-WELLER painstakingly manoeuvres himself all the way down to the riverbed and walks around, on the off-chance that somebody else winds up there. This allows RAY WISE to dump TONS OF SCRAP METAL on him before WOUNDED NANCY ALLEN BLOWS HIM UP GOOD with one of the military superguns, i.e. EXACTLY WHAT KURTWOOD'S GANG COULD HAVE DONE FIVE MINUTES AGO.
Excellent, Robo-Weller is trapped! Now the obvious thing to do is get the supergun from mortally wounded Nancy, and blow him up from a safe distance. Which is why I will engage in close combat instead!
ROBO-WELLER, still alive thanks to his METAL FRAME, stabs KURTWOOD with his RETRACTABLE SPIKE!
AT LAST I CAN ACCEPT WHO I WAS AND WHAT I HAVE BECOME WHICH IS WOLVERINE SORRY ROBO-WELLER
NOW TO DEAL WITH RONNY COX ONCE AND FOR ALL
Wait, your face is exposed now! What if your photo gets on the news? That's gonna be a huge traumatic shock to your wife and child when--
ROBO-WELLER DRIVES OFF sending SPARKS EVERYWHERE!!
INT. CORRUPTO-CORP. BOARDROOM
I HAVE EVIDENCE AGAINST RONNY BUT ONCE AGAIN I HAVE COME STRAIGHT HERE AND NOT SHOWN THE POLICE
Ronny, you're fired! Ha! Now Robo-Weller can kill you!
But you can't terminate my employment instantly like that. You owe me several weeks' due notice, during which I would still be officially an employee of Corrupto-Corp until such time as...
FUCK THAT NOISE
ROBO-WELLER SHOOTS RONNY COX SO GODDAMN HARD that he flies out the WINDOW, becomes ZOMBIE MR. FANTASTIC and plummets A MILLION FEET to his SQUISHY END.
Wow, you really ARE the best at mechanically plodding towards crime!
YES THANKS TO MY LEAD-FOOTED JUSTICE DETROIT IS NOW SAFE FOR EVER
Help, that purse-snatcher is running away!