Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Jan 4th, 2006 |
30 Comments
| Movie: 
FADE IN:
INT. SOME BEDROOM
DANIEL RADCLIFFE suddenly awakens from a nightmare.
RUPERT GRINT
Bloody hell, what happened?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I dreamt that this series goes on forever and people call me Harry Potter on the street until the day I die.
RUPERT GRINT
That’s silly, people will remember you from Lord of the Rings, too.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What? I’m not Elijah Wood.
RUPERT GRINT
(squinting at Daniel)
You sure?
Suddenly, EMMA WATSON enters and begins overacting.
EMMA WATSON
Daniel! It’s time to go to the Quiddich Tournament! Notice how carefully I pronounce every syllable? That’s what makes me a good actor!
They all quickly head to some Quiddich game.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Wow, we’re already at some big tournament. Things sure are happening quickly in this movie.
RUPERT GRINT
Yeah, everything moves really quickly because the book is so long.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Then why the hell are we spending fifteen minutes on a completely worthless sequence before we all end up back in Hogwarts?
INT. HOGWARTS
DANIEL, RUPERT, and EMMA return to Hogwarts to continue not really learning very much, like they always do.
MICHAEL GAMBON
Welcome back to Hogwarts for another year which will confusingly seem to be over at the end of the film. We have a new teacher for the Defence Against the Dark Arts class.. Now, I know that our first teacher for the class turned out to be evil–
MAGGIE SMITH
And the second one turned out to be a bastard, too.
MICHAEL GAMBON
Right, but don’t–
MAGGIE SMITH
And the third turned out to be a werewolf.
MICHAEL GAMBON
Yes, this one is normal, I promise!
Suddenly, BRENDAN GLEESON enters with a scary fake eye, crazy hair, a fake leg, and a scowl upon his face.
BRENDAN GLEESON
Don’t be suspicious of me or I’ll eat yer livers. Arrr.
MICHAEL GAMBON
Additionally, we have some special guests.
Suddenly, some FRENCH WITCHES enter elegantly and have birds fly out of their clothing during a well-rehearsed entry sequence.
EMMA WATSON
They actually rehearsed entering a room? What kind of women–
Suddenly, a bunch of TOTALLY RADICAL AND BAD ASS BULGARIAN MOTHERFUCKERS enter and kick fire around and pound sticks into the ground and grunt while entering powerfully.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
This movie is truly retarded.
MICHAEL GAMBON
They are here because we are hosting the TriWizard tournament. It is a pointless contest in which wizards and witches risk their lives for the recognition of their peers.
EMMA WATSON
What a good example to set for the audience.
MICHAEL GAMBON
This Goblet of Fire will choose the contestants, because that’s an excellent way of preventing potential fraud.
The GOBLET selects SOME BULGARIAN GUY, some FRENCH CHICK, and some BRITISH DUDE.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Woohoo! Honestly, I was getting a bit disenchanted with Hogwarts, considering every year I attend the school I almost die. But this year, there’s some stupid tournament and I don’t have anything to do with it!
The GOBLET, realizing the title of the film, then selects DANIEL RADCLIFFE.
MICHAEL GAMBON
How unprecedented! Still, I must obey the inanimate object. Careful, all four of you. The tournament can possibly end in death.
(pause)
Except for Daniel, who everyone knows survives because there are more books in the series. Don’t let that ruin any scene where the tension is dependent on his survival, though.
RUPERT GRINT
Suddenly I’m unforgivingly angry with you, Daniel! We’re no longer friends.
(pause)
Okay, we’re friends again.
ROBBIE COLTRANE
Daniel! I need to tell you that the first task is that you have to fight a dragon.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Isn’t this cheating?
ROBBIE COLTRANE
Yes.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Isn’t this cheating in front of the headmistress of a girl competing against me in the tournament?
ROBBIE COLTRANE
Yep.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Isn’t this cheating in front of the headmistress of the girl competing against me in the tournament and also the most vocal opponent to my participation?
ROBBIE COLTRANE
Really not seeing where you’re going with all of this. Good luck with the dragon.
Daniel goes to see BRENDAN.
BRENDAN GLEESON
I hear you have to fight a dragon. I’ll help, because apparently even knowing in advance what the contest will be doesn’t give you enough of a competitive advantage. What are your strengths?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh, well… Um… Actually, I’m not good at anything at all. In fact, I am a remarkably poor wizard. I can fly, I guess, but that’s because I have a good broom.
BRENDAN GLEESON
Great, use that.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
But I’m not allowed.
BRENDAN GLEESON
Let’s all just forget that you said that for the next scene.
DANIEL fights a dragon and summons a broom, which apparently isn’t within the scope of the “no broom” rule. He destroys part of the school and nearly kills a hundred or so students, but eventually DOESN’T QUITE DIE.
MAGGIE SMITH
Before we can move on to the other two pointless exercises, we must take advantage of our young stars awkwardly growing up. As such, there is a ball! And you have to invite people of different genders!
RUPERT GRINT
How incredibly relatable for the audience! Bloody hell!
Things are awkward and comical. DANIEL explores a romantic subplot with KATIE LEUNG which goes absolutely nowhere. Suddenly, EMMA WATSON shows up all dolled up and girly.
AUDIENCE
Holy shit, get a load of the–
EMMA WATSON
Not seventeen until next year.
AUDIENCE
–the purity and innocence of this young child.
Everyone DANCES until the audience tires of it. RUPERT GRINT makes EMMA cry, because that’s DRAMATIC.
EMMA WATSON
Why didn’t you just ask me out, Rupert?!
RUPERT GRINT
Me? Wait, seriously, are you supposed to fall in love with me or Daniel? This series can’t seem to decide.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Can’t be me. I have a crush on a girl with no lines.
RUPERT GRINT
Look at me. Emma is like three thousand light years out of my league.
Suddenly, ROBERT PATTINSON interrupts to provide a hint for the tournament to DANIEL.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Hey Daniel. Go take a bath with the egg you stole from the dragon. Good luck.
EMMA WATSON
Oh, sounds like you just need to open the egg underwater, Daniel.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Take a bath with the egg. What an ambiguous clue…
He takes the egg to the bathtub as the ANNOYING GHOST from the second movie returns and constantly alludes to DANIEL being naked.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I know there’s some way to use this water and the egg together, but how…
ANNOYING GHOST
Maybe you should open the egg under water.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Of course! Why didn’t I think of that?
ANNOYING GHOST
Seriously, why didn’t you? How much help do you need, for fuck’s sake?
DANIEL opens his egg underwater, presumably near the genitals the ANNOYING GHOST keeps eyeballing.
EGG
Figure out a way to hold your breath for one hour.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
An hour is nothing, I’ve been holding my breath to be cast in a different role for years!
DANIEL and the other CONTESTANTS go underwater to rescue someone important to them from the EVIL CGI MERMAIDS.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Is there any hidden meaning to the fact that the other guys are rescuing their female dates, but I’m rescuing Rupert Grint?
DANIEL also rescues the little sister of CLEMENCE POESY, who failed the event.
CLEMENCE POESY
You saved my sister’s life! Thank you so much!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Saved her life? You mean the school would have actually allowed a little girl to die for some contest?
CLEMENCE POESY
Uh…
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
And, by extension of that, any of the people we had to rescue could have also died, even though they themselves did not choose to participate in the tournament?
CLEMENCE POESY
Er…
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
So, following this through to it’s logical origin, the people in charge of the tournament kidnapped these people against their will and tied them to rocks at the bottom of the lake for a contest with which they are not involved, putting their lives in jeopardy for merely being friends or relatives of those participating in the tournament, one of whom doesn’t even want to be part of it?
MICHAEL GAMBON
Stop asking questions and I’ll give you second place.
He DOES, allowing DANIEL to once again BARELY NOT BE ELIMINATED despite being DRASTICALLY UNDERQUALIFIED.
MICHAEL GAMBON
Your last task is to find the Goblet in a giant maze.
The contestants enter the maze. BRENDAN GLEESON actually points DANIEL in the right direction, which a crowd of hundreds fails to notice. Despite this enormous clue, DANIEL still, somehow, manages to only find the Goblet just as his opponent, ROBERT PATTINSON, does. They touch it together and are magically transported to a SPOOKY GRAVEYARD.
EXT. SPOOKY GRAVEYARD
TIMOTHY SPALL appears and takes some blood from DANIEL.
TIMOTHY SPALL
Now that I have a drop of Daniel Radcliffe’s blood, I can combine it with a bone and my own hand to cast a spell that will bring Lord Ralph Fiennes back!
He DOES. RALPH FIENNES materializes unthreateningly, except he doesn’t have a nose, which is kind of scary, sort of.
LORD RALPH FIENNES
At last, Daniel! We meet for the first time since I almost killed you! Not counting when I was on the back of that guy’s head in the first movie. Or when you met me as a young man in the second movie.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I haven’t seen you in almost two years, then! It’s like an eternity!
LORD RALPH FIENNES
At last I shall finish you off. I thought I had you when I saw you playing that Hobbit in Lord of the Rings, but that turned out to be someone else.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I get that a lot.
They BATTLE, LORD OF ALL DARK MAGIC versus CLEARLY INCOMPETENT BOY WIZARD. Somehow, DANIEL isn’t vaporized instantly. Luckily, his PARENTS, as GHOSTS OR SOMETHING, show up to save him. He teleports back to HOGWARTS.
INT. HOGWARTS
Everyone gathers around DANIEL.
BRENDAN GLEESON
Ha! My ridiculously complicated plan has come together at last! Now Ralph Fiennes, who clearly values his followers, will reward me for bringing him Daniel Radcliffe!
MICHAEL GAMBON
This was all part of your plan? Didn’t he just need a drop of blood? Since you already infiltrated Hogwarts and befriended Daniel, would that really have been difficult to acquire?
BRENDAN GLEESON
Well, where’s the three hour movie in that?
BRENDAN is arrested and DANIEL is SAFE until next year, where he will assuredly ALMOST DIE again.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
My parents showed up to save me when I was fighting Ralph, Michael.
MICHAEL GAMBON
You seem distressed. Is it because you miss them?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
No. It was just such a Deus Ex Machina. I can’t believe people put up with this fucking garbage.
END
this is filled with hilarity and laughter! truly made my day!it would make a coffee table classic.
July 9th, 2007 at 4:25 amLet’s seeOrder of the Phoenix in the same fashion… come on. It’s so insanely hilarious.
July 14th, 2007 at 6:38 pmI like how in the next one, Harry actually admits that he’s a poor wizard and only won those climactic battles because he got lucky and had lots of help. Now I need to go find out if the kid from the Pokemon show ever said that…
August 12th, 2007 at 3:51 pm“get a load of the –”
Best observation of the day.
September 11th, 2007 at 8:50 amIf the goblet is so magically binding Harry into the tournament, isn’t the fact that it’s called the TRIwizard tournament more than binding enough to make sure there’s only THREE people in it?
And how the hell did they whip up a fourth dragon so damn fast?
October 3rd, 2007 at 8:13 pmDragon Wrangler: Oh yeah, we had this insanely dangerous one kept up in storage just in case some danger-prone fourth contestant showed up! Good thing we didn’t just get 4 of the same kind of dragon, because where’s the fairness in that?
“Well, where’s the three hour movie in that?”
That, and the two lines before it, sum up everything that’s wrong with the film – and book.
November 10th, 2007 at 8:24 amHarry does look like Frodo!
Hilarious!
March 13th, 2008 at 9:01 pmI’m a fan of Harry Potter, but this script was still HILARIOUS. I see a lot of the stupid stuff in that movie now
March 26th, 2008 at 3:29 pmgod she needs to be stopped.
i know the series is over with now so she sort of has but the woman still has access to writing tools.
the very thought makes my spine turn to jelly
god damn her to hell with her satantic wizard brood!!
April 20th, 2008 at 4:59 pmAs a hard core geek… here we go:
The name is derived from the fact that normally only 3 schools participate in it, however, there is NOTHING binding on the goblet to limit it to 3. You could have 20 schools participate and the goblet would still work. In the books it was a big deal that the bad guy “cheated” and got harry potter into the tournament through a use of loopholes (the goblet thinks harry is part of a 4th school).
I can’t remember how well they portrayed it in the movies but in the books at least, it DID take awhile to wrangle up the dragons. They had the selection for the tournament: then it was several months before the first event.
April 21st, 2008 at 7:14 pmOh, and say what you will about harry potter, but at least the books are more original and better done than Eragon. (you going to abridge it yet? If not…)
April 21st, 2008 at 7:20 pmThe movies are horrible representations of the books. The books aren’t all that great; they’re not worth the hysteria, but they are entertaining.
In the book, it actually explains that when the people are “captured” and put to the bottom of the lake, they are not in any real danger. Harry actually feels foolish for saving Fleur’s sister because he was stupid enough to think they would die.
If someone hasn’t read the books, I can see how the plot leaps could make no sense whatsoever: I can understand some things only because I can fill blanks in myself from the books.
For instance, Harry goes from living in the cupboard under the stairs to a bedroom without any explanation in the movies. There is a reason in the books (Harry receiving mail addressed to the cupboard) for the change.
April 26th, 2008 at 5:37 pmIt’s interesting that you never mention that Robert Pattison is taken to the spooky graveyard as well as is instantly killed much to Daniel’s disappointment… That would’ve been more fun to add to the gay jokes you’ve already provided. lol
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:10 pmAnd you could’ve added more oddities to the first 15 minutes with the Quidditch game. In the book it was kinda more interesting that bit, especially cuz in the movie they completely skipped over the scene I wanted to see real bad where Harry is taken from his aunt and uncle’s house to the Weasley’s… That scene would’ve been hilarious in theatres… Too bad the books are too damn long… Why’d they make movies of them anyway?
You left out the best part…where Brendan Gleeson turns into the ever-so-sexy David Tennant who rages about how he served Ralph Fiennes before having his brain erased.
May 6th, 2008 at 3:05 pmI totally agree – Emma Watson is such an overactor and her eyebrows when shes doing her serious tone jump about her face lol. It really annoys me! But then I suppose – none of them are really the best actors are they? lol understatement.
May 30th, 2008 at 5:18 amI agree with Kate, except about David Tennant being hot (altough he looks good in drag-he has nice legs). I just thought it was really creepy how he kept sticking his tongue out like a lizard on crack.
June 9th, 2008 at 4:03 pmwhere oh where is order of the phoenix??
June 19th, 2008 at 11:17 amthis is the best one i’ve read yet, hilarious! Especially
“Holy shit, get a load of the–
EMMA WATSON
Not seventeen until next year.
AUDIENCE
–the purity and innocence of this young child.”
XD
July 10th, 2008 at 11:28 amHarry Potter will always be the best series ever
September 26th, 2008 at 11:27 amAs to what Challenger Grim and Great said, that’s one thing that really annoys me about the movies. They seem to assume that anyone watching the movies has already read the books, and it doesn’t matter if they don’t explain things like that. Every time I’ve gone to see the movies, I’ve had to explain stuff like that to friends who hadn’t read the books, and are understandably confused.
I’m guessing Mr. Hilton hasn’t read the books themselves, or he might have pointed stuff like that out himself, like he did in the Hitchhiker’s Guide script. From that standpoint, it’s most likely not intentional that he’s pointing out these gaping holes that are explained only in the books, but I’m still glad he did. It shows perfectly how people who are only watching the movies are handicapped by the screenwriter’s myopia.
November 27th, 2008 at 3:49 amThis is brilliantly done. I really enjoyed it. The only thing that bothered me was the part about Harry using his broomstick in the tournament and how you construed it as illegal. He wasn’t able to bring anything but his wand, so he used his wand and did a summoning charm to get the broom.
January 11th, 2009 at 3:59 pmHey people, I am translaing this script into Polish but have no idea how could I translate this sentences in that context; is that some kind of slang, irony?
‘How incredibly relatable for the audience!’
and
‘get a load of the–’
March 15th, 2009 at 7:52 amDominika,
the first quote is sarcasm.
the second quote is an allusion to the audience about to make a statement inappropriate to Emma Watson being under age.
Good luck
May 9th, 2009 at 3:17 pmshadyzladii Says:
where oh where is order of the phoenix??
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I second that. Seriously, where is it Rod? You plan on having it done before, you know, movie SIX comes out next month?
June 2nd, 2009 at 5:58 amThen why not summon a machine-gun and shoot the dragon?
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:45 pmthis movie would be a complete garbage if only Jonny Greenwood wouldn't appear… he saved it :)
November 11th, 2009 at 9:58 pmstop diddin the book..its the movie that sucks
November 27th, 2009 at 9:07 amwouldn't the second task be kind of boring for the audience? (i mean the hogwartian audience in the movie, not the audience inside the movie theatre) i mean it WAS being staged in a huge black lake…
January 18th, 2010 at 11:57 amamazing script. You have a gift!
May 1st, 2010 at 9:56 pmthe books, are good, but the movies…just don't do them justice. you know it's not as good when my favorite part of the movie was a bunch of muscular bulgarians banging scripts on the ground…go figure
Reading this made me realize how badly the movies seem to jump around if you haven’t read the [awesome] books [quick I love.] So thanks. Also , that was funny.
August 7th, 2010 at 1:40 am