HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
The Abridged Script
DANIEL RADCLIFFE hangs out at a CHILDREN'S PLAYGROUND in a vain attempt to make it look like he's not a 35-YEAR-OLD MAN.
Oh look, it's my good for nothing sort-of brother. How's your mother, Daniel, aside from being dead? Har har har!
What? I know you're supposed to be kind of a dick and all, but nobody in real life would make a joke about someone having dead parents. Well, maybe Dane Cook.
Thug lyfe, son! That's how I riggity roll!
Suddenly HARRY and DANIEL are attacked by DEMENTORS! DANIEL saves MELLING using MAGIC, then carries him home.
What have you done to my son?! Tomorrow he has to stand outside The Gap at the mall and glower at middle-aged white people!
Holy Jesus, what happened to you? It's time to lay off the snacks or you'll never make it to the last movie, buddy.
An OWL delivers a LETTER.
Dear Mr. Radcliffe. It has come to our attention that you performed a magical spell in front of a muggle.
You mean the same muggle who's currently watching a talking envelope?
That's the one! You are hereby expelled!
Ha! I'm delighted to hear this despite the fact that it means you'll be around all the time now!
DANIEL escapes to PROTAGONIST HEADQUARTERS where he runs into everyone from the series that hasn't wound up EVIL or DEAD yet, including BRENDAN GLEESON, DAVID THEWLIS, and GARY OLDMAN.
Arr, it be good to see ya, matey.
I hate to prolong the suspense, but your suspension has been suspended until a formal trial.
If there's one thing kids love to see, it's political red tape and courtroom trials.
DANIEL finds EMMA WATSON and RUPERT GRINT!
Daniel! I'm so glad to see you!
You eighteen yet? I'd really like for you to come over here and ride my--
--my magical broomstick! Oh what a fantastic world of innocent whimsy! Tra-la-la!
DANIEL and RUPERT'S FATHER, MARK WILLIAMS, take the SUBWAY to get to DANIEL'S trial.
So odd, these muggles don't even have subway gates that open automatically for us!
The same muggles that use things like e-mail and text messages instead of owls and talking envelopes? Yeah, they're cavemen.
DANIEL sits in the center of a room, being judged by a jury of wizards and witches. ROBERT HARDY presides.
Daniel is clearly guilty. All in favor of the death penalty, say aye.
Wait, I didn't do anything wrong! I had to defend myself, the CGI was overwhelming!
Daniel had no choice! If the movies don't at least start similarly to the books, people will revolt. It's not until the middle that we can really fuck everything up.
Everyone VOTES on if DANIEL should be expelled or not, and the MAJORITY votes no.
I don't get a jury of peers and a unanimous vote? Nice to see that this super advanced magical society can still lack even the most rudimentary justice system.
MICHAEL GAMBON walks away without speaking a word to DANIEL. Luckily, GAMBON is already super likeable.
We endure yet another scene of MICHAEL GAMBON addressing the CAST during DINNER.
Welcome to another year at Hogwarts! You will notice we have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I'd like to assure you all that this one won't be the film's villain, but you all know better by now.
Good evening, students! I'm so excited to be imposing my authoritarian rule upon you all! From now on, all kids must pull their pants all the way up and there shall be no more fun whatsoever!
No fun? How can someone go and make this school not fun!?
Yeah, whenever we're not being nearly murdered by an endless supply of magical demons, this place is a blast!
DANIEL calls a meeting with all of the other kids.
Since Imelda is such a raging pink twat, we're going to have to teach ourselves how to fight. Who's with me?
Daniel, you have my books!
And my wand!
JAMES AND OLIVER PHELPS
And my pranks!
Great, now we just need a place to practice.
The room of unoriginality! It's a room that exists whenever the story needs it to!
Wow, J.K. Rowling isn't even trying anymore, huh? Whatever, let's go.
IMELDA and her henchman, TOM FELTON, try to catch the students entering the room but fail. Apparently the kids never LEAVE either.
Alright, it's like two hours in and we're only just getting started. Let me teach you some basic spells, even though I've only really learned one spell outside of the school cirriculum.
Scene after scene of children learning new things at a SCHOOL take place.
Bloody hell, did the filmmakers decide the biggest flaw with the other movies was that they didn't accurately portray education?
Eventually IMELDA takes a sledehammer to the wall and catches the kids. This relied on getting a confession from KATIE LEUNG for some reason, even though IMELDA already knew where the kids were.
IMELDA and ROBERT HARDY confront MICHAEL GAMBON.
I knew it! Michael Gambon was forming these kids into an army!
Where should we be putting our focus? I'll tell you where our enemies are putting it, they're putting it on the kids!
Michael, I'm going to have to place you under arrest.
MICHAEL uses MAGIC to disappear.
EXT. THE WOODS
DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT meet ROBBIE COLTRANE in the woods.
Hey kids! I just wanted you to meet my brother. He's a dumb giant, and he looks like George W. Bush for some reason.
This thing isn't supposed to even remotely look like a living, breathing creature, right? It's just supposed to be a Pixar rendering in the middle of the movie?
I don't get it, what does this have to do with anything else in the movie? How does this help us with Imelda? I thought you called us here so you could help!
What? No, I can't help you. I just can't collect a paycheck unless I'm in the movie. Good luck with all that new villain and such.
Back in the school, IMELDA takes over as HEADMASTER and imposes even more TOTALLY LAME RULES, like NO KISSING, OMG!
From now on, you kids will have to take the OWLS. They are just like SATS, but lamer!
That's right kids, the SATs are just a waste of time imposed by douchebag fascists! By the way, make sure to consult your McDonalds training manual for the correct amount of salt to use for the fries.
How will we overcome this oppressive tyrant!?
We could try just not giving a shit.
Oh. That was easy.
The kids suddenly STOP CARING. Some CENTAURS come by, transform IMELDA into a CARTOON, and drag her off to TOONTOWN.
Alright, listen everyone. I think Gary Oldman is in trouble. We must go to the "Department of Fuckton of Orbs" and rescue him.
INT. DEPARTMENT OF FUCKTON OF ORBS
DANIEL, EMMA, RUPERT, BONNIE WRIGHT, EVANNA LYNCH, and MATTHEW LEWIS enter and look for GARY.
Are we in the garage of an eBay fanatic or something?
Have I told anyone lately how much I miss my parents? Because I'm pretty sure I don't get any lines in the next movie and I'd really like to talk about it.
Trapeze bananas romantically fire grapefruits with patiently.
Suddenly HELENA BONHAM CARTER and JASON ISSACS enter. The kids run, knocking over a shelf of ORBS which causes all of the other shelves to fall over, destroying all of the ORBS.
This seems like a really bad way of storing orbs.
Oh no, we're completely outmatched by a girly-looking blond guy and the only actress laying it on thicker than me!
Relax, everyone. I've survived four of these movies and if there's one thing I'm sure of it's that I'll always be rescued by some deus ex machina at the last second.
Suddenly, BRENDAN GLEESON, DAVID THEWLIS, and GARY OLDMAN show up! There is a WAND BATTLE ROYALE, which basically just looks like a bunch of people flailing around randomly without touching.
Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!
Eventually, HELENA kills GARY and everyone else just sort of LEAVES. DANIEL is confronted by RALPH FIENNES.
Oh fuck. Do I only get one deus ex machina per movie, or am I allowed two?
Suddenly, MICHAEL GAMBON shows up to fight RALPH.
Oh, good. Almost thought I'd have to sack up for a second there.
The circle is now complete! When I left you, I was but the learner, now I am the master!
Only a master of tolerating hours in makeup, Ralph!
MICHAEL defeats RALPH using A PROTON PACK. Everyone goes back to the school, bruised and bleeding.
I hate field trips.
You know, guys... no matter how powerful Ralph Fiennes is, we have something he'll never have.
The fact that we were never in Maid in Manhattan.