Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Sep 27th, 2007 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
INT. RICHARD GRIFFITHS’S HOUSE
Just to make sure the audience doesn’t actually think they are watching a movie for mature minds, we endure some more of DANIEL’S CARTOONISHLY RIDICULOUS ASSHOLE FAMILY.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Now, I have a very important person coming over tonight, so don’t allow your bizarre behavior ruin anything for me!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What is this, a sitcom now?
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Pretty much. There’s even a scene with a cake-in-the-face gag. To make sure nothing goes wrong, you must stay in your room. And don’t call child services on me while you’re in there, even though it would pretty much solve all of your problems.
Amazingly, GOLLUM from LORD OF THE RINGS picks tonight to be the very night he shows up to wreak some havoc. Things go poorly for RICHARD, who adds a lock to DANIEL’S ROOM and locks him inside. Suddenly, RUPERT GRINT shows up in a flying SHITMOBILE.
RUPERT GRINT
Bloody ‘ell Daniel! Let’s go back to Hogwarts!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Hooray! I can’t wait to leave this house of stupid adults and get myself to Hogwarts, which is full of evil adults instead!
RUPERT GRINT
Yeah! Nothing like being in the company of evil adults with superpowers that want to kill you!
RUPERT helps DANIEL escape while RICHARD tries to unlock the door to get into DANIEL’S room, even though the door is locked from the outside to begin with. Eventually they make their way to Hogwarts, where they are nearly killed by a FUCKING TREE because everything at Hogwarts is DANGEROUS AS HELL.
INT. HOGWARTS
Absolutely nothing happens for a while, and eventually the kids meet KENNETH BRANAGH.
KENNETH BRANAGH
I’m your new defense of the dark arts teacher this year. Don’t worry about me just because your last teacher turned out to have an evil guy on the back of his head - there’s nothing suspicious about me, even though having such a famous actor playing the part indicates the role is quite significant.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What are you even doing in this movie, anyway? Did you run out of Shakespeare plays or something?
The kids sit through classes that just so happen to teach exactly the things that will be relevant to the main plot of the movie.
EMMA WATSON
Professor Smith, I was wondering if you would skip today’s scene of kids studying from books and teach us something else.
MAGGIE SMITH
What, a spell to help control your embarrassing overacting?
EMMA WATSON
I was thinking maybe some dull background-story exposition.
MAGGIE SMITH
Fair enough. Many years ago, when Hogwarts was founded, one of the four wizards who started it was kind of an asshole. He made a special secret room in the school that contains a monster, and some day his heir will return to the school and the monster will be released and murder a whole bunch of children.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Sounds like a real fucking dickstain. Why’d you name one of the four houses after him?
MAGGIE SMITH
Ugh, who gives a shit? Is my one scene in this movie over yet?
Eventually DANIEL finds the diary of CHRISTIAN COULSON, and he talks to it by writing inside of it.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Wow, we’ve moved from watching kids study books and take classes to watching kids write in books. This is some riveting shit right here.
CHRISTIAN COULSON’S BOOK
Other childhood fantasy films may focus on the sense of wonder that being a child offers. Only this movie is daring enough to focus on the most boring part of being a kid: schoolwork.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
So what’s the deal with the monster that eats children with non-magical parents?
CHRISTIAN COULSON’S BOOK
I think it was, um, the guy with the beard. Robbie Coltrane.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What an obvious misdirection. I’ll go ahead and follow up on this clearly worthless clue, since otherwise there would just be more scenes of kids learning stuff at school.
DANIEL and RUPERT investigate, and nearly get eaten by a FUCKTON OF SPIDERS.
RUPERT GRINT
(mugging)
Bwaaa, I don’t like spiders, Daniel!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Yeah well, I don’t like that stupid face you make. You look like someone has a finger up your ass all the time.
They escape using the SHITMOBILE, which apparently has a mind of its own or something.
EMMA WATSON
So I’ve hatched a plan that will help us figure out if that blonde little shit, Tom Felton, is the heir that can reopen the chamber. We can drink potions that will make us look like his fat friends and then ask him if he’s the heir. It’ll take a month.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
A month, just to find out that one specific kid isn’t the heir? So we wait a month and find out he’s not - then what?
EMMA WATSON
It’s the best plan we have!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Despite the idiocy of that defense, I’ll go along with your worthless plan.
DANIEL and RUPERT drink some potions and are transformed into TOM FELTON’S FAT FRIENDS.
FAT DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Hello, good friend Tom Felton. I’m your buddy, and there’s nothing strange about me.
FAT RUPERT GRINT
I’m definitely not Rupert Grint, bloody ‘ell.
TOM FELTON
Mrrpffppggllee.
FAT RUPERT GRINT
What? It sounds like you have oranges in your mouth or something.
TOM FELTON
Frfllg. Mrl frrmgglph.
FAT DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Seriously, I can’t understand you at all. Did your mouth not grow as fast as the rest of your body or something? Just tell us if you’re the heir.
TOM FELTON
Grrllmbrlgr.
FAT DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Is that a no? Great, this was a complete waste of half an hour.
Eventually the plot progresses itself forward without the help of its characters.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Look at the wall! Someone has scrawled a message on it! In blood!
RUPERT GRINT
“Send Daniel into the dungeon. It’s time for the film’s climax.” Bloody ‘ell, you can’t get much more direct than that.
INT. CHAMBER OF SECRETS
DANIEL, RUPERT, and KENNETH BRANAGH all search for WHOEVER THE BAD GUY IS, because he has kidnapped RUPERT’S SISTER.
KENNETH BRANAGH
By the way, it turns out I’m an evil bastard. Now I’ll kill you both.
He FAILS and his memory is erased, resulting in him being a nice guy, because apparently being evil is learned and can be forgotten.
RUPERT GRINT
Through a plot contrivance, you’ll have to confront the bad guy by yourself, Daniel. Good luck. Bloody ‘ell.
DANIEL eventually finds a room full of SNAKE STATUES and discovers that the bad guy is…
CHRISTIAN COULSON
Ha-ha! It is I, the guy who wrote that diary you found a few minutes ago!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh my God. This movie is so stupid. Seriously, why do people like this crap?
CHRISTIAN COULSON
But I’m not just a guy! I am, in fact, the diary itself! I’ve stored my 16-year-old self in this diary, so that I could one day regain my strength and emerge!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Did your 16-year-old self always drone on and on about his brilliant plan? Why are you telling me all of this?
CHRISTIAN COULSON
It’s very important to me you know who I really am before I kill you. You see, I am not merely Christian Coulson - but I am in fact Voldemort as a boy! The proof is that my name is an anagram for “I AM LORD VOLDEMORT” How’s that for a twist?!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Let me see if I understand this - you decided to change your name when you were young. In picking the new name, you discovered that your existing name, the one your parents gave you, just so happened to be an anagram for “I AM LORD VOLDEMORT”, and that’s how you picked your new name?
CHRISTIAN COULSON
Yes. That happened.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
You should have picked “Mr. Lead Drool Vomit” instead.
CHRISTIAN and DANIEL fight. A PHOENIX EX MACHINA suddenly appears, claws out the eyes of a GIANT SNAKE, drops a hat containing a sword, and heals RUPERT’S SISTER. Then DANIEL destroys the DIARY, which kills CHRISTIAN COULSON.
RICHARD HARRIS
Great work, Daniel! Way to murder a 16 year old boy!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What the hell was with that ending? What complete bullshit. That bird just came out of nowhere and saved my bacon.
RICHARD HARRIS
That’s the great thing about writing about magic! You can write yourself into a corner, then make anything you want happen at the end and just say “Hey, it’s magic!”
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Ugh. How many more of these stupid movies are you and I going to have to do?
RICHARD HARRIS
Well, YOU are going to do five more.
END
Another great abridged script.
Just out of a simple curiosity, have you read the books?
September 27th, 2007 at 7:17 am“RICHARD HARRIS
Well, YOU are going to do five more.”
ahahahhaha
September 27th, 2007 at 7:31 amI liked Richard Harris’ Dumbledore better, I thought he was more true to the books. And also, less like Gandalf the Grey.
September 27th, 2007 at 9:49 amPretty hilarious… Columbus’s take on the books was too flat and unimaginative, he didn’t do anything creative or inject his personal vision into them like later directors. Yawn. Also, why does everyone rag on Potter fans? They’re not a loud, eccentric crowd. They don’t hold obnoxious public rallies or argue heatedly with non-fans or each other (unless rudely provoked). Also, they are obsessing over reading. Books are something more people could stand to invest in. Standing in line for days does not make someone ridiculous. Haven’t you ever been excited about something you liked? A movie, a CD? So why all the harsh words? I have yet to hear an acceptable response to this. “It’s a Fantasy book for Kids” doesn’t count, it isn’t even accurate. The books themselves are complicated an intriguing, full of complex characters and situations, like any other good book. If you think magic spells and wizards are gay, you should probably take a few Literary History classes and get caught up with reality.
September 27th, 2007 at 11:34 amRod has more than one digit in his age; of fucking course he hasn’t read the books.
September 27th, 2007 at 12:34 pm“RICHARD HARRIS
Well, YOU are going to do five more.”
OH MY GOD! I was laughing through the whole script, but that just killed me (no pun intended). On one hand, I felt really bad about laughing at a dead guy, but still, that was genius, Rod. Good thing we made you choose Potter to abridge, as this is one of your funniest recent scripts.
September 27th, 2007 at 12:51 pmThe bloody ‘ells were a nice touch too.
Sean, Sean, Sean…
I dunno how in touch you are with modern culture or if you just mean those that *should* be reading Harry Potter… but I promise you the majority of those that do have an age in the double-digits.
And Rod, that last line was golden. :D
September 27th, 2007 at 1:09 pmRobinRobinRobin,
I don’t know how in touch you are with the abridged scripts on this site or if you are just too in touch with modern culture to be bothered with remembering what you read, but my post was a direct lift from Rod’s script of the Sorcerer’s Stone.
September 27th, 2007 at 1:43 pmI myself am now in touch of modern culture enough to know that anything Rod says is OMG SO TRUE but if it comes from someone else’s mouth it is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. Whoops.
I didn’t really laugh too much at the script until this line:
“You should have picked “Mr. Lead Drool Vomit” instead.”
I think I would have enjoyed the books more if that had been his real name.
Sorry you had to suffer through this movie, Rod, I know it’s excruciating.
September 27th, 2007 at 1:44 pm‘RICHARD HARRIS
That’s the great thing about writing about magic! You can write yourself into a corner, then make anything you want happen at the end and just say “Hey, it’s magic!”’
Seriously though. As a matter of fact, that’s how the series concludes itself.
September 27th, 2007 at 2:16 pmMeh, nothing inspired here. The whole script feels kind of lazy. Fuck democracy, move on to a better film.
September 27th, 2007 at 2:47 pmUh oh. It looks like somebody’s sacred cow got slaughtered.
September 27th, 2007 at 3:33 pmActually, LoserBoy, Damon’s point wasn’t that he was upset over Harry Potter getting mocked. His point was that Potter fans get an unduly hard time, when they’re no more obsessed about those books than half the known world was over the release of Halo 3. People who haven’t read Harry Potter think that it’s stupid or juvenile just because they know it’s about magic, but the truth is that’s only part of what it’s about. And yes, the movies don’t help that image because they are by nature greatly SIMPLIFIED versions of the books. That’s how it has to be - The Order of the Phoenix, for example, is longer than the Bible. Can you imagine how long its movie would be if every page was directly translated to film? It’s just not possible to do that. And the sad thing is, people who don’t read the books go to see the movies and then use that simplified version as an excuse to make fun of the franchise as a whole. Those people are nothing but ignorant.
September 27th, 2007 at 4:39 pmGreat script, Rod. My favorite…”A PHOENIX EX MACHINA suddenly appears”. It’s classic. Also Richard Harris has some great stuff all through out.
September 27th, 2007 at 7:04 pmWell, I’ve never read the books, so I do find a lot of movie parts puzzling. Can anyone who has read the “Chamber of Secrets” explain that whole “Hagrid sending the kids to a man-eating spider that tries to kill them” thing? As I remember, they don’t even mention it to the big guy in the film.
September 27th, 2007 at 8:02 pmI get the feeling that Rod didn’t like watching this movie.
September 27th, 2007 at 8:56 pmHagrid sending the kids to a man-eating spider that tries to kill them:
September 27th, 2007 at 9:20 pmThe “chief spider” Aragog had been Hagrid’s pet, he had bred it and loved him etc, so Hagrid usually visited it in the forest, and all the spiders were nice to Hagrid on Aragog’s command; otherwise they would have eaten him.
Hagrid had been expelled because Riddle told everyone Aragog was the monster within the Chamber, and Hagrid sent Harry & co. to the spiders, believing the spiders would not hurt them, so Harry could find out that Hagrid was not guilty (he had been imprisoned for the new attacks).
Harry Potter fans are so fucking gay. Yeah, I’m sure the books were waaaaay more profound than the movies…sure. For the record though, I don’t take literary advice from anyone WEARING A FRIGGIN’ CAPE! To parody this piece of shit film was an exercise in redundancy. Oh well.
September 27th, 2007 at 10:23 pmI think the guy who said “since when is this site a democracy?” had a point. Most often when you let fans decide anything, they choose poorly.
Good script, I liked this movie but it did have some silly moments that you touched on. Agreed, last line was great (and if you listen to the votes, YOU’RE going to be doing a couple more of these too). ;)
September 27th, 2007 at 10:47 pmWell, I thought Gandalf was a pretty funny character, so I liked Gandalf Dumbledore. But I’m probably the only one.
September 27th, 2007 at 11:39 pmSofie No, no, I got that. What I’m trying to say is that, unless I’m misremembering, the whole fiasco is never mentioned again, wich I found irksome (I mean, if some moron gets you almost killed, you would tear him a new one, at the very least, wouldn’t you?) What I want to know is, would I get any form of closure about that plot point if I read the book?
September 28th, 2007 at 1:51 am@ Ryan Ferneau (post 19):
Would that be Gandalf Dumbledore the White or Gandalf Dumbledore the Grey?
September 28th, 2007 at 6:16 amLoved the script, but I gotta say:
The whole thing about the movie implying that evil is learned was a missed oportunity to contrast the moral complexity of that concept to the moral simplicty of a school with house where all the evil kids get sorted.
(….Course’ I have no idea how to make that dry statment into a funny joke, but….)
September 28th, 2007 at 7:37 amWithout doubt the best last line you’ve ever written Rod. Hats off to you, that’s fucking brilliant.
Hahahahaha, still laughing about it now.
September 28th, 2007 at 8:30 amThat’s it, the closure was finding out that Hagrid had been innocent. it’s no Nobel literature here.
September 28th, 2007 at 1:37 pmLast line = total brilliance. Best part of the script.
By the way: I hate to pick apart your complaints, but clearly lots of kids find that there’s more than enough of a sense of wonder, even though the story takes place at a school. Now, Chris Columbus sucking a lot of that sense of wonder out of this movie, that you could debate.
September 28th, 2007 at 5:17 pmaaahh KENNETH BRANAGH how the mighty have fallen! shame on you
September 28th, 2007 at 5:20 pmSome of us just read Harry Potter and didn’t like it, don’t forget us. I thought the books got much worse as time went on, and the movies got better. But I think both the book Chamber of Secrets and the movie were awful. I’m a nerd of several series of books, but HP aint one of em.
September 28th, 2007 at 10:18 pmi was laughing throughout the whole script, especially the Mr. Lead Drool Vomit part. you really hated this, didn’t you? how the hell are you going to get through three more?
September 28th, 2007 at 11:19 pmOh yeah, I still chuckle inwardly at the thought of Tom Riddle (whose first name is evidently NOT short for Thomas) coming up with his supervillain name. He’s sitting there thinking, “Hmm, how about I make it an anagram of my real name? Better yet, why don’t I make it a complete sentence, with the name stashed in there somewhere? Aw, yeah, see, I can pull ‘I AM LORD’ out of there! So if someone came up with a sentence I might say, they might be able to rearrange it to get my original name and read up on my history; or if they knew my original name first, then they could rearrange it to get a statement of who I am and, like, try to stop my diary plot early or something. It’s brilliant! Now to arrange the remaining nine letters into something scary-sounding…”
September 29th, 2007 at 12:34 amI’m suprised. No paedophilic 40 year old pretending to be a perverted 12 year old toilet ghost?
September 29th, 2007 at 3:51 amYou rule Princess Consuela !!!
September 29th, 2007 at 9:43 amAnd I bet he almost settled on MOLD TROVE until he realized that, hey, Mort means death. Mort L. Dove? Vlod E. Mort?
September 29th, 2007 at 10:05 amThe phoenix was possibly the biggest Deus Ex Machina in the history of film AND literature, I think. Let’s see: Is it somehow immune to the Basilik’s death-stare? Yes. Does it peck out the snake’s eyes, thus taking away it’s best attack? Yes. Does it give Harry a new weapon at the drop of a hat (pun intended)? Yes. Does it have tears that can heal the poison in Harry’s wounds when the klutz stabs the snake AND himself at the same time? Yes. Is it then able to carry extremely heavy loads to bring them all back out of the cave? YES. Apparently it’s like Superman: it can just invent new superpowers whenever it needs them.
Oh, and on a side-note, parts of this script are kind of confusing due to all the names of the nobody actors…
September 29th, 2007 at 12:38 pmHmm, a replacement image? Where are all these screenshots taken from, anyway?
September 29th, 2007 at 11:45 pmYOU ARE CORRECT, SEAN!
That is all.
(Back to reading other script.)
September 30th, 2007 at 6:36 amHOW DARE YOU AGREE WITH ME.
Let’s be friends.
September 30th, 2007 at 2:24 pmI do like your abridged scripts. However you would be well advised to leave out the pointless swear words and the word retarded. Makes you sound like a 10 year old. You’re not 10 are you?
October 1st, 2007 at 5:15 amYou’re a retard for typing that, Matt. Fuck shit piss.
October 1st, 2007 at 12:46 pmActually, for those commenting on Tom Riddle’s brilliant anagram, “Vol de mort” is French for “Flight of Death.” According to my French teacher at the university it’s utter brilliant. But I still prefer “Lead Drool Vomit.”
October 1st, 2007 at 3:11 pmOKAY!
But yeah, I forgot to not take the internet seriously. Sorry ’bout that. :\
October 2nd, 2007 at 1:02 pmMatt…. Where are you seeing the word retarded?
BTW Rod, this is just wonderful, just like everything else you write. I read these over and over again and they never get old.
I love your scripts, as long as they aren’t as short as the “The Holiday” script.
LOL I love this:
October 3rd, 2007 at 4:02 pmDANIEL RADCLIFFE
Yeah well, I don’t like that stupid face you make. You look like someone has a finger up your ass all the time.
Cool script. I didn’t like this movie Harry Potter because it’s suppose to be a who-done-it story but there’s no mystery or suspense.
October 3rd, 2007 at 6:31 pmOh yeah, that was a running joke between me and my brother: Whenever Rupert Grint appears, we act like he’s suddenly going to lapse into moaning “Oh but the spidews, Hawwy! Da spidews aw scawwwyyyy!” in a silly voice and twisting his face up in fear for the rest of the movie.
October 3rd, 2007 at 11:39 pmLindsey,
Your French teacher is very easily impressed and probably unfit for academia, unless there is some much more subtle or sophisticated reference involved with which I am unfamiliar. I hope you got an A (or the equivalent) in that class.
October 11th, 2007 at 4:36 pmI won’t complain if I do, Tom :) At any rate, I’m not going to bother trying to figure out all the “brilliant references to French literature and history so subtlely placed in each book,” but if someone else wants to, they can. I don’t care if Voledemort is French for “stinky roadkill of Walmart,” the books are too boring.
October 12th, 2007 at 9:48 pm”MAGGIE SMITH
What, a spell to help control your embarrassing overacting?”
*applauds* Spot on!
December 11th, 2007 at 4:48 pmThe once decent thing that came out of this movie was when those Taiwanese movie pirates tried to add subtitles to the movie, and ended up turning it into Hally Porter and the Cat of Flying Seven. Now that was some funny shit!
January 12th, 2008 at 12:09 pmchristian coulson was the best ‘non adult’ in this film by about ten thousand fucking miles and gets about eight sconds of screen time….
fucking radcliffe and his stupid fucking head
has any single director to date read any of the books??
god damn it stop making bad films out of boring books hollywood, you fucking ass hats. stop churning out a zillion shit films a year and instead, concetrate on the really good stuff so its as brilliant as possible so that yeah maybe you’ll only release a fraction of the films but they’ll be GOOD AND ORIGINAL AND NOT SHIT WRITTEN BY A STUPID SNOTTY BITCH WHO STOLE THE FUCKING IDEA FROM A 2000 AD COMIC BOOK THEN SPUN IT OUT INTO MILLIONS OF POUNDS WORTH OF TRIP THEN AFTER THE SERIES WAS OVER AND SHE DIDNT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT PEOPLE SUDDENLY NOT BUYING THE BOOKS, ONLY THN HAS THE BALLS TO ANNOUNCE A MAIN CHARACTER IS GAY FOR THE SOLE REASON OF SPINNING THAT OUT INTO MORE BOOKS AND FILMS AIMED AT ADULTS WHICH WILL MAKE MORE MONEY WHICH SHE DOESNT NEED GOD DAMN IT JK ROWLING YOU SUCK FUCKING ASS!!!
ahem. i mean actually pay attention to the writing in those books and its so fucking juvenile.
also, the cunt sued that dude recently for making an unofficial book of harry potter facts?
how much god damned money does she need??
not to mention, way to alienate your fans you horrible, horrible bitch.
kids, dont dare, ever, do anything harry potter themed and try to make money off it like say, make harry potter themed cookies for a school bake sale because JK will turn up and shit on your soul.
if i ever see her im gonna kick her right in her labia.
April 20th, 2008 at 4:30 pm