Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Aug 19th, 2009 |
48 Comments
| Movie: 
"Sir, is this 'memory vial' thing just your way of telling me you have Alzheimer's?"
FADE IN:
INT. SUBWAY
DANIEL RADCLIFFE sits and reads a NEWSPAPER, full of fictional tales of goings-on in a land far detached from our world. He then puts down USA TODAY and reads his WIZARD’S NEWS instead.
CAFE WAITRESS
Nice moving newspaper. Who’s this Daniel Radcliffe mentioned on the front page?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Nobody. I think he fucks horses. Hey so, since you’re flirting with me as obviously as possible, I was wondering…
CAFE WAITRESS
Eleven. That’s when I get off.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh, I very much doubt it.
DANIEL watches as MICHAEL GAMBON terrifyingly appears across the tracks.
MICHAEL GAMBON
Daniel, we must go somewhere together.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Right now? There’s this waitress and I think she thinks I’m famous or something.
MICHAEL GAMBON
Right now, Daniel. Cockitus Blockitus!
They teleport to JIM BROADBENT’S HOUSE and find JIM BROADBENT, who was disguised as an ARMCHAIR.
MICHAEL GAMBON
Why are you dressed up like furniture, Jim?
JIM BROADBENT
I didn’t want the audience to notice all the dark cinematography and start thinking the movie wasn’t going to be retarded.
MICHAEL GAMBON
I see. Well, I was wondering if you would come teach a class at my school.
JIM BROADBENT
Absolutely not.
(pause)
Fine.
MICHAEL teleports DANIEL to MARK WILLIAMS’S HOUSE where he finds EMMA WATSON, RUPERT GRINT, and BONNIE WRIGHT.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Hey Bonnie. For some reason the movie is pretending you and I have some kind of sexual tension, so let’s hug awkwardly.
BONNIE WRIGHT
Sounds good. I’ll behave as if I’ve always had a crush on you even though this concept is really only just now being introduced.
RUPERT GRINT
And I’ll somehow fail to even act as though we are related!
EMMA WATSON
Oh Harry, I’m so glad to see–
AUDIENCE
Eighteen yet?
EMMA WATSON
(sighing)
Yes actually, I turned 19 on–
AUDIENCE
I WILL FUCK YOUR TITS OFF FAP FAP FAP FAP!!
EMMA WATSON
Bloody fucking hell, I can’t wait to be done with these movies!
The kids make their way to HOGWARTS. The AUDIENCE breathes a collective sigh of relief, knowing that they will not have to endure DANIEL’S SHITSUCKING FOSTER FAMILY for this movie.
INT. HOGWARTS
DANIEL talks to EMMA and RUPERT as they resume taking classes.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I think Tom Felton may be in training to become the new villain.
RUPERT GRINT
That’s ludicrous.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What? He’s been a son of a bitch for 5 fucking movies and his father was a villain. Seriously, how on earth do you justify thinking I’m wrong about this?
EMMA WATSON
Don’t mind Rupert, he’s just pissed off that he still looks like the older Pete from “Pete and Pete” while you and I got hot.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(checking his watch)
Holy shit we’re already half an hour into the movie and there are like 2,000 pages in the book left.
RUPERT GRINT
I guess we’d better go learn some new spells.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
There’s no time for spells. Let’s just go to potion class so that all of the movie’s magic can be done using easily collectable artifacts.
They go to JIM BROADBENT’S potion class. DANIEL acquires a textbook that contains CHEAT CODES.
JIM BROADBENT
This you see here is a magical love potion. Now, if all the females in the class would drool over the potion in the most sexist, demeaning way imaginable I’d really appreciate it.
They DO.
JIM BROADBENT
Great. Now this other potion is a luck potion. Whenever J.K. Rowling can’t figure out how to resolve a situation she’s written herself into, someone can just drink this and instantly move the story along.
JIM gives the luck potion to DANIEL.
EMMA WATSON
Bloody fucking hell, I wanted that for myself!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Don’t you still have a time travel machine? Why the hell don’t we use that thing in every movie?
EMMA WATSON
Daniel, I know these movies are about magic but it would be pretty inexcusable if we just solved every challenge with some random magic thing every time it was convenient to the plot.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
That reminds me, it’s time to go see Michael Gambon. He now has little vials of memories that I can use to see flashbacks of other people in order to fill in an arbitrary amount of backstory.
DANIEL goes to see MICHAEL and watches some memories from when RALPH FIENNES was a kid.
MICHAEL GAMBON
Well Daniel, did you learn anything?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Yeah, I learned you’re a moron. How did you not know young Ralph Feinnes was evil? He makes Damien look like Little Orphan Annie.
MICHAEL GAMBON
Well, these memories were tampered with. I was totally smart in the real ones. I need you to get Jim Broadbent’s real memory from him. It’s a matter of life and death, but it can wait until after the Quiddich match.
The kids all practice QUIDDICH together.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Quiddich is back? The entire previous movie existed for no reason other than to establish the imminent threat posed by Ralph Fiennes and yet this movie is going to allocate time for fucking Quiddich?
They play QUIDDICH and RUPERT manages not to make that “I just shit my pants” face for ten minutes, which becomes cause for CELEBRATION!
RUPERT GRINT
Yeah! I’m good at sports and popular! Hogwarts is just like your high school, kids! Except geeks like you can be cool here!
JESSIE CAVE
Oh Rupert! Let’s make out while I act clingy and obnoxious! That way the audience won’t feel bad for me when you completely mislead me and eventually dump me for Emma.
EMMA watches JESSIE scrape the inside of RUPERT’S MOUTH with her tongue and storms off to cry. DANIEL consoles her.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Come on, Emma. What is this shit, 90210? Let’s stop crying about relationship crap, the movie is starting to drag and there’s like 1,000 more pages…
EMMA WATSON
I just love Rupert so much! I love the way he wears muscle shirts to show off how much time he’s spent in the gym to overcompensate for his otherwise awkward appearance! What does he see in Jessie?!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(shrugging)
Well, she’s a little chunky, Emma. She probably gives a good beej.
EMMA, distraught, decides to MURDER SOME BIRDS BY SLAMMING THEM FACE FIRST INTO A WOODEN DOOR.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Jesus fucking Christ! How long have you been a textbook future serial killer?
RUPERT falls in love with ANNA SHAFFER who was in love with DANIEL but then he falls out of love with her and also breaks up with JESSIE so EMMA can fall back in love with him, disappointing FREDDIE STROMA who loves her; at the same time DANIEL falls out of love with KATIE LEUNG and in love with BONNIE WRIGHT who falls out of love with ALFIE ENOCH and in love with DANIEL so they KISS! It was just as painful to write that as it was to read it.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Wow, I don’t understand how the audience is willing to tolerate over two hours of this pointless horseshit. I’m just going to drink the luck potion and move things along now.
EMMA WATSON
Why are you drinking the whole thing? Don’t you think a few sips would be enough?
He drinks it and uses LUCK to get the memory from JIM BROADBENT, then he finds MICHAEL GAMBON.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Michael, I found out that Ralph Fiennes split his soul into 7 pieces and scattered them around the world. And yes, this really is what I learned, not the set-up to an RPG on Super Nintendo.
MICHAEL GAMBON
I know. We already have two of the objects and I know where the third one is. Let’s go get it.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What the FUCK, man?
MICHAEL and DANIEL go into a CAVE to get the THIRD OBJECT. After MICHAEL channels MOSES for a bit, they return to the school, only to be confronted by TOM FELTON.
TOM FELTON
I’m here to kill you, Michael. Well, mostly I’m here to sneer a lot. But I’ll kill you too.
TOM tries to kill MICHAEL but can’t make himself do it. Suddenly, SPOILER ALERT ALAN RICKMAN KILLS GAMBON!
MICHAEL GAMBON
Alan, why?
ALAN RICKMAN
Eventually I realized that, since Jim Broadbent is teaching my potions class, I must be the current Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, which pretty much obligated me to be the film’s antagonist.
MICHAEL GAMBON
Haven’t you been watching? This film was just about to get away with having no antagonist at all.
(dies)
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Alan! I totally pussed out while you killed my mentor but now I’ve decided to fight you!
ALAN RICKMAN
Don’t bother. I’m the Half-Blood Prince!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
The who?
ALAN RICKMAN
Half-Blood Prince. The guy that wrote all those tips in your book.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Wha?
ALAN RICKMAN
It’s the title of the fucking movie!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh right. Forgot all about that.
ALAN escapes. DANIEL mourns the loss of MICHAEL as EMMA and RUPERT comfort him.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
With Michael dead, there’s nobody to save me next time I confront Ralph Fiennes. I don’t even know what one of these movies might look like without a deus ex machina.
EMMA WATSON
You’re not going to face Ralph alone, Daniel. You need us. Er, well, you need me. Rupert is still basically worthless.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
You know, Emma, for all it’s flaws this movie wasn’t all that horrible. We had to endure a lot of awful movies to get one that doesn’t suck dragon balls, but I’m actually kind of looking forward to the rest of the series now.
EMMA WATSON
There’s only one more book.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
…
EMMA WATSON
Daniel?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Bloody fucking hell, I hate you J.K. Rowling!
END
First again! Equally brilliant. Not much to say other than that, except Snape should’ve been Harry’s father in order to rip off Star Wars even more because ripping off Star Wars is good. Oh yeah, please slam Harry’s Jesus complex in the seventh book.
August 19th, 2009 at 8:45 amThe only redeeming thing about this movie was that for one beautiful, shining moment, I thought that Ron might die and I might be rid of him forever. But alas, it wasn’t meant to be.
August 19th, 2009 at 9:10 am“Eventually I realized that, since Jim Broadbent is teaching my potions class, I must be the current Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, which pretty much obligated me to be the film’s antagonist.”
I totally didn’t notice that! Incredible. Thank you very much for enduring and finishing off the Harry Potter abridged scripts! (until next time, at least)
Also, not to become a nuisance, but… how did this score a Rod Hilton rating of 3 and a half stars? This was a pretty lousy movie. Essentially nothing happened until the end, and probably everyone knew Alan Rickman was going to kill Michael Gambon anyway. I can’t help but be slightly perplexed by the rating this received.
August 19th, 2009 at 9:11 amHeh, great script. Personally I totally agree with the three-and-a-half stars; this was the only other HP movie I’ve actually liked apart from 3. I almost didn’t go see this one in favor of Drag Me To Hell, but I was glad I went for the being-in-touch-with-popular-culture route for once. These movies are at their best when not a lot is going on; all the “action” sequences in the series have left me rather flat. The more time spent on atmosphere the better, IMO.
August 19th, 2009 at 9:25 amTwo posts!! Rod is truly the hardest Abridged Script writer working the streets today.
August 19th, 2009 at 6:11 pm"Cockitus Blockitus" is the single greatest line ever written on the interwebs.
August 19th, 2009 at 6:57 pmA book of cheat codes, LOL
August 19th, 2009 at 8:11 pmI'm surprised Rod didn't mention how Draco basically wasted tons of screen time attempting to get a magical box to work only for it to be used to let the enemies into Hargwarts and walk right back out without really doing anything.
August 19th, 2009 at 10:34 pmYeah, I am shocked that Rod enjoyed this HP movie more than some of the others.
"You’re not going to face Ralph alone, Daniel. You need us. Er, well, you need me. Rupert is still basically worthless." HA!
August 19th, 2009 at 10:49 pmCockitus Blockitus wins the internet.
August 19th, 2009 at 11:31 pmEMMA WATSON: Don’t mind Rupert, he’s just pissed off that he still looks like the older Pete from “Pete and Pete” while you and I got hot.
RUPERT GRINT: Well, at least I'm not the shortest actor in this movie like Daniel is.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE: Hey, I'm not the shortest one here!
RUPERT GRINT: Yes, you are. You're like 4 feet tall. You haven't grown an inch since Chamber of Secrets. Even the bloody owl has grown three inches.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE: But I'm not the shortest! The CGI gnome is shorter…. and… and.. that guy who was in the leprechaun movies… and… and… yeah, Luna is shorter too.
RUPERT GRINT: (pause) So, in a movie series with every British actor born in the 20th century, including about 300 teenagers, you can only think of 3 people shorter than you: a gnome, a leprechaun and a 14-year-old girl. Let's all ponder about that while we watch "the older Pete" give EMMA WATSON her first on-screen kiss, okay?
August 20th, 2009 at 2:23 amFucking hilarious. The scripts compliment each other beautifully.
August 20th, 2009 at 3:12 amOn an entirely unrelated note: It's sad to see what Hans Gruber has to do to make money these days.
Really, I don't see how they got away with having the entire movie about relationship bullshit, and in the end Snape justt says "Oh, by the way, I'm the Half-Blood Prince.". The only time that name is even in the movie is for like two seconds of sideways barely legible writing in the Potions book.
If I hadn't read the book before I saw it, I wouldn't have cared the slightest bit. The movie spent a rediculous amount of time on pointless babble, and little to no attention at all to it's god damn namesake.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:10 amI thought there might be something in the script about how the cave they go to looked like the Fortress of Solitude for some reason. Eh, maybe I'm the only one who noticed that.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:29 amSurprised you didn't mention all the drug references. Bot Harry and Ron walked around half the time being high.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:33 amI'm surprised Rod didn't mention how Draco basically wasted tons of screen time attempting to get a magical box to work only for it to be used to let the enemies into Hargwarts and walk right back out without really doing anything.
I was just impressed to see a child actor (well, they're all in their forties by now, but still) in these films who could actually cry on screen as opposed to blinking glycerine filled eyes and making snuffling noses.
August 20th, 2009 at 8:00 am"Well, these memories were tampered with. I was totally smart in the real ones." lol
August 20th, 2009 at 10:18 am"I didn’t want the audience to notice all the dark cinematography and start thinking the movie wasn’t going to be retarded."
Have to add that to the 'Rod's Greatest Lines' list.
Fucking hysterical, as usual. I also notice from your ratings that the movies are growing on you. This was actually my favourite of the series.
August 20th, 2009 at 12:31 pmHans Gruber? I thought that was Trent Reznor…
August 20th, 2009 at 2:20 pmprotecting the children from sunlight!
August 20th, 2009 at 4:25 pmOne book left, but two movies to go!
Considering the last book was the most boring one to read, with all the action happening at the start and end, I'm wondering if they even need to screw it up to make yet another boring film.
August 20th, 2009 at 6:21 pmthat's what I was thinking too. Not only them, but Jim Broadbent and Robbie Coltrane as well! Holy crap, man.
August 20th, 2009 at 7:03 pmAUDIENCE
Eighteen yet?
EMMA WATSON
(sighing)
Yes actually, I turned 19 on–
AUDIENCE
I WILL FUCK YOUR TITS OFF FAP FAP FAP FAP!!
I was wondering what you were going to do when this finally happened, Rod. That pretty much made me laugh the hardest!
August 20th, 2009 at 10:08 pmDANIEL acquires a textbook that contains CHEAT CODES.
Actually, it's more like a strategy guide written on GameFAQs, even in the book you could tell how much of a self-centered nerd Snape was. If he were a real person, he would fit in quite well on internet forums.
August 21st, 2009 at 3:36 am"Michael, I found out that Ralph Fiennes split his soul into 7 pieces objects and scattered them around the world. And yes, this really is what I learned, not the set-up to an RPG on Super Nintendo."
Pieces objects? Is that a mistake or am I reading the text incorrectly?
August 21st, 2009 at 8:43 amYep, the casual "Oh, I'm the Half Blood Prince" and Dumbledore already knowing about the soul shards were a letdown for me.
August 21st, 2009 at 11:31 amWhy the memory vials, by the way? Why not just ask him about it?
Good acting and atmosphere in this film though.
(And I don't know what all the Emma Watson stuff is about, I still see her as a child)
You failed to mention Cho Chang's actor, Katie Leung. But she is pretty much a cliche throwaway character anyways.
August 21st, 2009 at 12:42 pmemma watson gives good beej
i made my opinion about this movie in the other thread
August 22nd, 2009 at 1:31 pmRod is right. Both of the last movies have been better than any of the HP movies up until now, because they've finally found a director who is willing and able to take a pair of shears to the books and write entirely new scenes where necessary. It's about frickin time. Also, the Audience reaction to Emily Watson's age is the best thing evar
August 23rd, 2009 at 12:29 amLOL at the Super Nintendo comment. Mario RPG was awesome!
August 23rd, 2009 at 1:18 amI'm very surprised at the rating of this movie and the comment about it being good in the end. I mean, it was basically three things: 1) silly teenage romantic struggles as explained in the tongue-twister in the middle of the script, 2) Harry trying to convince that old guy to reveal something Dumbledore already knew, and 3) No action whatsoever. Seriously, all of the exciting scenes in the book (including the ENTIRE ending battle) got mercilessly cut! IMO, one of the worst movies so far. If I wanted to see a magic tween romance flick, I'd have gone to see Twilight…
August 25th, 2009 at 4:08 pmThe third movie is still the best
August 25th, 2009 at 8:21 pmAs a huge fan of Harry Potter, I can say that this is very funny xD
Better than the fifth one. I was waiting for it since a long time, and it does not satisfied my expectations.
But the sixth was VERY FUNNY!
JIM BROADBENT
This you see here is a magical love potion. Now, if all the females in the class would drool over the potion in the most sexist, demeaning way imaginable I’d really appreciate it.
They DO.
JIM BROADBENT
Great.
HILARIOUS!!!!
Keep the good work!
August 27th, 2009 at 9:40 amshe wasn't in this one.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:41 amAbout Hermione's time hourglass thing, she had to give it to the government at the end of book 3. Then at the end of book 5 they were all broken in the epic battle between Harry and the death eaters. Really. :-)
August 29th, 2009 at 9:21 pm"I WILL FUCK YOUR TITS OFF FAP FAP FAP"
ROTFL! That was brilliant!
August 31st, 2009 at 3:04 am"Cockitus Blockitus!"
Pure, pure win. ^_^
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:42 pm"Cockitus Blockitus wins the internet."
I second the motion. X)
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:31 pmReading the seventh book now. It gets off to a really shitty start that perhaps the movie can improve.
Rueing the dreaded "they talk in a tent for 300 pages" swamp…
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:16 pmBahahaha, the "Trent Reznor, protecting children from sunlight" is still my favorite thing from all these Harry Potter abridged scripts.
September 3rd, 2009 at 7:09 am"I think he fucks horses."
I was LITERALLY on the floor laughing when I read this part :D
September 23rd, 2009 at 3:32 amAwesome script for a disastrous movie!!
I specially loved this part:
"ALAN RICKMAN
Don’t bother. I’m the Half-Blood Prince!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
The who?
ALAN RICKMAN
Half-Blood Prince. The guy that wrote all those tips in your book.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Wha?
ALAN RICKMAN
It’s the title of the fucking movie!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh right. Forgot all about that."
So true XD.
October 8th, 2009 at 1:15 amOne more book, two more films.
October 17th, 2009 at 4:15 pmCan we all just agree that these movies are pure blatant shit and that Harry Potter itself has far out stayed its welcome.
October 20th, 2009 at 11:07 amPretty funny, although you're totally wrong about this one being the first to hint at a Ginny/Harry crush. That was introduced in the second book (and movie). The "sexual tension" was awkward since Daniel is (probably) gay….
cockitus blockitus = greatest phrase ever
December 7th, 2009 at 5:03 amThe books are awesome…the movies change that..don't think that J.K Rowling is a bad author just because you've seen the movie and haven't liked it
December 12th, 2009 at 8:34 pmBut otherwise, that "cockitus blockitus" thing . . . Oh God I ccan't stop laughing
Cockitus Blockitus is now working its way into my daily parlance.
December 19th, 2009 at 3:50 pmIs there a movie you do like? But, anyway, good job man.
January 8th, 2010 at 4:34 am