Righteous Kill: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Oct 9th, 2008 |
41 Comments
| Movie: 
Embarassed, Pacino convinces De Niro to ask his grandson how to "download his AOLs."
FADE IN:
INT. JON AVNET’S OFFICE
AL PACINO walks into the office of PROFESSIONAL PRODUCER (AND OCCASIONAL DIRECTOR WHEN NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO DIRECT ONE OF HIS MOVIES) JON AVNET.
AL PACINO
Jon! I enjoyed working with you so much on the universally despised box-office bomb ‘88 Minutes’ that I’ve decided to bring you a brilliant idea I had!
JON AVNET
Great, what do you have in mind?
AL PACINO
Robert De Niro and I are two of the most highly regarded actors alive today, yet we’ve only been in two movies together and only shared about 7 minutes of screen time. Let’s make a movie starring the two of us where we work together for the entire movie! It’ll blow ‘Heat’ right out of the water!
JON AVNET
That’s a great idea! I’ll get my best people to work immediately on finding the perfect script that will do justice to this momentous cinematic event!
AL PACINO
(retrieving a bundle of paper from the wastebasket)
What’s this?
JON AVNET
That? Oh, that’s some piece of shit script named ‘Righteous Kill’ that someone just sent me. It’s about two cops chasing a serial killer. It’s so cliche I couldn’t even get through the whole thing before tossing it.
AL PACINO
Two cops, eh? Sounds great, let’s start shooting tomorrow. Let’s start early so I can make it home in time for Wheel of Fortune.
JON AVNET
Oh, no, no, no. You and De Niro are legends. You could demand the best script ever written. You don’t want this thing, I wouldn’t wipe Hitler’s ass with it.
AL PACINO
I’m sure it’s fine, see you in the morning!
CUT TO:
INT. NEW YORK CITY
World-weary, rule-bending cops AL PACINO and ROBERT DE NIRO shoot targets together within the first 5 seconds of film as the film effectively PREMATURELY EJACULATES.
ROBERT DE NIRO
Man, this awkward, expository camaraderie sure is entertaining to watch!
AL PACINO
You said it, partner of 30 years and fellow world-weary, rule-bending cop! Hey, remember that time we framed a guy for a crime he didn’t commit because he was acquitted for a crime he did commit?
ROBERT DE NIRO
Yeah, that sure was a crazy, random thing that happened a few years ago which won’t actually be relevant to the plot later on!
AL PACINO
Nor will it be used to make any kind of point about morality! Now let’s go catch some drug dealers. Specifically, drug dealers that can’t outrun two 60 year old cops.
ROBERT DE NIRO
Alright, but first let’s introduce a shitty dramatic plot device.
We cut to a videotaped confession by ROBERT DE NIRO.
ROBERT DE NIRO (V.O.)
I have killed fifteen times. I will now tell you about those times in narration so as to move this overlong Law and Order episode along. My tenth kill was a ’skateboard pimp’, which is apparently a thing.
The POLICE DEPARTMENT discovers that a skateboard pimp has been murdered. ROBERT and AL are assigned to the case.
ROBERT DE NIRO
This is interesting, the killer left a cheesy poem behind. Check it out.
AL PACINO
“There once were two men from Nantucket,
whose films wound up in bargain buckets.
They once were on top,
now each film’s a flop,
if my dick pissed paychecks then they’d suck it.”
ROBERT DE NIRO
Weird. Who could that be referring to?
ROBERT DE NIRO goes to CARLA GUGINO’s apartment to have EXTREMELY GROSS OLD GUY SEX. Additionally, CARLA likes it super rough because that’s MAXIMALLY DISGUSTING.
ROBERT DE NIRO (V.O.)
My next kill was some scumbag rapist. By this time the city knew there was a serial killer on the loose, but nobody seemed to really let it have any impact on their lives at all.
BRIAN DENNEHY grizzles his way through his scenes as the POLICE CAPTAIN.
BRIAN DENNEHY
I appreciate all of the work you guys are pretending to do to find this serial killer, but I’m adding two more cops to the case: John Leguizamo and Donnie Wahlberg.
AL PACINO
Donnie Wahlberg? Shit, have Robert De Niro and I reached a point where Mark Fucking Wahlberg is too good to be in our movie?
JOHN LEGUIZAMO
I think our serial killer is a cop. In fact, I think it’s De Niro.
ROBERT DE NIRO
You’re just accusing me because you’re pissed off that I’m dating your ex-girlfriend, Carla Gugino.
JOHN LEGUIZAMO
Not really pissed off so much as repulsed. God damn, when you fuck she must feel like a leather beanbag chair is slapping against her ass.
JOHN and DONNIE try to prove that DE NIRO is the killer.
ROBERT DE NIRO (V.O.)
For some reason the ongoing police investigation didn’t deter me from my serial murdering, so my thirteenth kill was a priest that molested me when I was a kid. So chew on that mental image for a bit.
JOHN LEGUIZAMO
Man, I hate that De Niro guy. You know, if he wasn’t in this piece of crap movie it would have gone straight to DVD. Probably one of those DVDs with Special Features like “Widescreen Presentation” and “English Subtitles” too.
DONNIE WAHLBERG
Donnie Wahlberg hate subtitles. READING BAD!
DONNIE and JOHN convince 50 CENT to be the bait in a trap for DE NIRO. DE NIRO doesn’t fall for it, and insults JOHN and DONNIE by calling them “whippersnappers.” JOHN and DONNIE leave PACINO and DE NIRO alone with MR. CENT.
50 CENT
Excuse me while I conduct some drug-dealing business on my cell phone next to to this very large and very high window.
PACINO comes up and shoots 50 in the head.
ROBERT DE NIRO
Oh no, what have you done to M.C. Hammer?!
AL PACINO
That’s right, I was the killer all along!
ROBERT DE NIRO
Well, duh. As soon as the movie starting taking great pains to avoid showing the killer even though I had already confessed on videotape, it was pretty obvious that the killer wasn’t actually me. And since there are like 4 people in this movie, that pretty much leaves you.
AL PACINO
Yes, but don’t you want to know the big secret mystery behind your videotaped confession?
ROBERT DE NIRO
I guess so.
AL PACINO
Okay. Here, read my confession out loud into this video camera.
ROBERT DE NIRO
Seriously? Fuck, I can’t believe I managed to star in a movie more mediocre than “Hide and Seek,”, “Meet the Fockers,” “Godsend,” “City by the Sea,” “Showtime,” “Analyze That,” “15 Minutes,” and “The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle.”
AL PACINO
Don’t forget about “The Recruit,” “Two for the Money,” “S1m0ne,” “The Devil’s Advocate,” and “Gigli.”
ROBERT DE NIRO
Hey, didn’t you say you have killed fifteen times? You’ve only killed fourteen times in the movie so far, what was your fifteenth kill?
AL PACINO
Isn’t it obvious? Our careers.
END
LOL. You’re little poem made me spit coffee onto my keyboard. You owe me $49.
As for Pacino and De Niro, I think they have moved into brilliant phases into their careers – making movies ripe for parody on this website.
p.s. – take a look at de niro’s second line after 50 cent is shot. I think its missing a word.
October 9th, 2008 at 7:14 amThanks for saving me from viewing another shit movie, Rod.
October 9th, 2008 at 7:23 amNice to see you back in the saddle Rod. A great send up of what looks like an awful movie.
October 9th, 2008 at 7:29 amI liked the movie. Not because of the script, but because of both of them. But I recognize that this movie is the worst in their careers.
October 9th, 2008 at 7:47 amWords cannot really do justice to how epically shitty this movie is. But you have come damn close, Rod. Kudos.
October 9th, 2008 at 7:57 amAnother nine bucks saved thanks to The Editing Room! Thanks, Rod.
October 9th, 2008 at 8:41 amFirst of all .. it’s great to have a Rod Hilton original .. after so many guest scripts. Second of all .. the script is awesome .. the film is unbelievably shitty .. I love how you list all the crappy films these “great” actors have been in.
Third of all …. you could write a book of modern limericks .. Rod … but aimed at a mature audience.
Fourth … you seem to have something against old guys dating young women ..(great .. so do I).
“God damn, when you fuck she must feel like a leather beanbag chair is slapping against her ass.”
I don’t think you were ever this graphic in one of your scripts before.
Fifth … do Batman Begins .. please… :)
October 9th, 2008 at 11:22 amI haven’t even *heard* of this movie.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:53 amSomeone else is using my name. I’m going to switch to Original Dave or Dave Ice or maybe Michael Westen. Yeah…
October 9th, 2008 at 12:08 pmThat’s better. No confusion.
Anyway…Best…Limerick…EVURRRR!
I actually saw this movie so that I could appreciate the skewering all the more. (And I’d already seen everything else.) I really do wonder why these guys don’t rate better scripts.
But I will say that Pacino suddenly entering the frame and offing 50 Cent was very well done. Everything else was less well DONE, unless you count Carla Gugino, wink wink nudge nudge.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:16 pmGood idea, terrible movie, great abridged script.
“Dexter” is still the king of righteous serial killers.
October 9th, 2008 at 3:22 pmReading this script did not make me understand this movie any more than the trailers did, I still don’t get this movie. Funny script.
October 9th, 2008 at 6:42 pmIt is truly sad. De Niro hasn’t been awesome since Jackie Brown-ja. Why has Scorsese foresaken him?
I don’t feel sorry for Pacino yet. He was in Insomnia.
October 9th, 2008 at 10:51 pmRod,
Please do Miracle at St. Anna. It is just dying to be torn apart, the entire thing is suppose to be so dramatic but instead its intentionally funny. I would love for Spike Lee to see a copy of your abridged script for it. Cmon people are actually trying to say it’s good…
October 10th, 2008 at 1:53 amAnother $11 saved that I can now contribute to my near worthless 401K. Thanks again Rod. By the way:
“Oh no, what have you done to M.C. Hammer!?” ….. AWESOME. The poem was good, but that was better.
October 10th, 2008 at 6:25 am“You don’t want this thing, I wouldn’t wipe Hitler’s ass with it.” – I’m going to use this in a rap, STG
Saw the flick, knew it was Pacino pretty early on, the girl I saw it with was genuinely surprised at the “twist.”
Things I’m surpised you left out, the idiot lawyer sniffing coke in the bathroom, obvious cop Deniro was. But I guess she thought it was mobster Deniro.
October 10th, 2008 at 7:40 amPacino is nowhere near as bad picking projects as De Niro. Simone, while a flawed film, has great pedigree; Andrew Niccol directed the hollywood satire and to me at least it’s far from sucking ass.
October 10th, 2008 at 7:50 amYes Dave, because there’s only one Dave.
October 10th, 2008 at 1:22 pmNice job Rod, as always. Although – seriously, you didn’t enjoy The Devil’s Advocate? Pacino’s brilliant in that. My best guess is that Keanu may have irritated you too much…
October 10th, 2008 at 3:54 pmBefore I even saw the trailers, I suspected it was Paccino. He tends to play the psycho in these kind of movies (IE: training day)
October 10th, 2008 at 6:35 pmFor some reason, it always cracks me up when you make one seemingly random guy talk like a total doofus: “Donnie hate subtitles! READING BAD!”
Also, this is quite refreshing after the okay-but-just-not-as-funny guest scripts. Do you get guest writers on here just to make us appreciate you more? I’m starting to think so.
October 11th, 2008 at 1:08 pmthat poem was fucking genious
October 13th, 2008 at 12:13 amI guess I’m in the minority :) I thought the last three scripts (Hellboy, X-Files and Righteous Kill) were all of equal calibre. I’m betting if Rod had decided to switch the names of the authors, that the fanbois would be lauding the quality of script Rod had signed his name over that of the others. Maybe he should try that as an experiment some time. Who know!? Maybe he did it THIS time!
I didn’t see this movie (not all that unusual for me) and found the script to be mildly humorous. I probably would have found it funnier if I had viewed the movie I think. I didn’t really understand what was going on even abridged as it was. The intro dialogue with the Producer and the last line about 15 kills were the parts that hit my funny bone the hardest :)
October 13th, 2008 at 12:08 pmDon’t knock Showtime. Sure it was absurd, but that’s what made it entertaining. I especially love the scene with the suspect when they pretend he’s on TV.
October 13th, 2008 at 2:45 pmGreat script! Thanks for saving me the trouble to watch this.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:57 amhilarous, once again. and something tells me that this shit movie actually got made like you wrote in the intro dialogue
October 14th, 2008 at 2:39 pmBest Abridged Script in ages!
October 16th, 2008 at 5:45 amticketpuncher, pacino wasnt in training day. did you mean the recruit perhaps? Cuz that movie sucked, unlike training day.
October 16th, 2008 at 11:39 pmJust out of curiosity,
I was wondering when you were putting the Burn After Reading abridged script up here. Saw it on Cracked.com weeks ago, figured it would find it’s way home(here) by now.
Great script on this one by the way.
no more month long waits please.
October 18th, 2008 at 1:05 pmHello again Rod
Two more suggestions for you – Taken (enjoyable film, but lots of holes and Liam can never seem to break free from his natural accent, even in Schindler’s List) and Eagle Eye (again enjoyable, but the plot’s been done loads of times before, Shia plays Shia again and the ending drags. Quite painfully).
What do you all reckon?
October 18th, 2008 at 5:17 pm#24: You mean you honestly don’t see the clear differences in style? I started reading the X-Files script so fast that I didn’t even know it was a guest script until I noticed all of the grammatical… oddities in the very first line:
October 18th, 2008 at 7:54 pm“David I have been sent by the FBI, they need your help.”
That sentence just didn’t read right. I was like “Is this the usual guy?” Upon scrolling up: nope, a guest.
The Hellboy II script was also clearly recognizable by its verbose wordiness. Not that either of them were bad, but I thought the styles were pretty distinct. But eh, w/e.
Hey Sabre-Scorpion! Maybe you can tell … and maybe it’s 20-20 hindsight ;) Since it’s after the fact, you claiming you could tell has a degree of uncertainty to it (i.e. your story is suspect, son!)
I’d still like to see Rod do a contest! Have him put out three scripts at the same time along with a poll (an open poll showing your vote once you made a vote). After a week show the results and see who can accurately tell the styles well enough to figure out the Hilton Original. At the very least it would be FUN! :D
October 20th, 2008 at 10:52 amBah, I’m just surprised no one else sees the differences. Maybe I’m just a better critical reader than you people. :-P
But hey, I’m up for a contest. Bring it on! As long as Rod doesn’t try to throw it by masking his style to trick us… Conversely, the other authors could not be told they were doing it for a conest lest they try their best to sound like Rod. You get the point.
October 20th, 2008 at 7:49 pmCould be, Sabre! When I was getting ready to take my GRE I took a class in order to practice. Most of the people were struggling on the math and I thought that section was a breeze. The logic I wasn’t quite as good at, but still respectable. However the English section. Yikes! They gave a brief write up, usually two or three paragraphs worth, and then a multiple guess selection that were each a short paragraph. The thing was to match which of those four statements best went along with the original.
I could barely do 50%! The trick was analyzing the ‘tone’ of each message. The words giving specific emphasis on different points and matching those tones (emphasis) to the original. I realized I was pretty much tone deaf! I understood the meaning of the words, but the entire concept of ‘degree of stress in a given context’ was practically lost on me.
That’s probably the same here. I suspect you have the ability, talent, to identify that tonality whereas it really doesn’t stand out to me.
Most people, I’ve discovered, really do have the ability to pick out the tone of language and not so much the mathematical concepts. A fewer number, such as me, understand the math but not so much the language. Left brain, right brain kind of stuff :)
October 22nd, 2008 at 8:32 amYeah, I gotta say, this was the best script ive read in awhile. I was actually laughing out loud like a jack-ass in a library.
October 27th, 2008 at 7:16 amAnd I agree about the mis-use of the DeNiro and Pacino team up. Youd think Scorssese would step in and win another best picture with them, but no, they wanted to actually ship the movie in a premade bargain bin.
Mr. Hilton, you are doing God’s work by wathching this film and alerting others of its crappiness. I’m glad I did not see this. I cannot wait for your abridged script for Order of the Phoenix.
October 27th, 2008 at 12:52 pmQuantum Of Solace is due a go when it comes out too. Once I’ve seen it tomorrow night I’ll let you know what I think… heck, I’m even considering abridging it myself…
October 31st, 2008 at 6:36 am‘If my dick pissed paychecks’, sheer genius, that’s right up there with ‘your eyes need diapers’.
November 20th, 2008 at 9:05 pm[...] should note I already know how the movie ends (couldn’t resist reading Editing Room’s hilarious abridged script of this [...]
January 3rd, 2009 at 5:11 pmSaber – I see the differences too, from script to script. I usually just ignore them and try to enjoy it though.
January 9th, 2009 at 10:27 pmlove, love, love the opening sequence. they SHOULD have had that in the movie.
“nah, you don’t want this. I wouldn’t wipe hitlers ass with that shit.”
“i’m sure its fine, lets start shooting tomorro!”
March 19th, 2009 at 5:40 pm