De Niro waits while Pacino asks his grandson how to "check my AOLs."


De Niro waits while Pacino asks his grandson how to "check my AOLs."

RIGHTEOUS KILL

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. JON AVNET'S OFFICE

AL PACINO walks into the office of PROFESSIONAL PRODUCER (AND OCCASIONAL DIRECTOR WHEN NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO DIRECT ONE OF HIS MOVIES) JON AVNET.

AL PACINO

Jon! I enjoyed working with you so much on the universally despised box-office bomb '88 Minutes' that I've decided to bring you a brilliant idea I had!

JON AVNET

Great, what do you have in mind?

AL PACINO

Robert De Niro and I are two of the most highly regarded actors alive today, yet we've only been in two movies together and only shared about 7 minutes of screen time. Let's make a movie starring the two of us where we work together for the entire movie! It'll blow 'Heat' right out of the water!

JON AVNET

That's a great idea! I'll get my best people to work immediately on finding the perfect script that will do justice to this momentous cinematic event!

AL PACINO

(retrieving a bundle of paper from the wastebasket)

What's this?

JON AVNET

That? Oh, that's some piece of shit script named 'Righteous Kill' that someone just sent me. It's about two cops chasing a serial killer. It's so cliche I couldn't even get through the whole thing before tossing it.

AL PACINO

Two cops, eh? Sounds great, let's start shooting tomorrow. Let's start early so I can make it home in time for Wheel of Fortune.

JON AVNET

Oh, no, no, no. You and De Niro are legends. You could demand the best script ever written. You don't want this thing, I wouldn't wipe Hitler's ass with it.

AL PACINO

I'm sure it's fine, see you in the morning!

CUT TO:

INT. NEW YORK CITY

World-weary, rule-bending cops AL PACINO and ROBERT DE NIRO shoot targets together within the first 5 seconds of film as the film effectively PREMATURELY EJACULATES.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Man, this awkward, expository camaraderie sure is entertaining to watch!

AL PACINO

You said it, partner of 30 years and fellow world-weary, rule-bending cop! Hey, remember that time we framed a guy for a crime he didn't commit because he was acquitted for a crime he did commit?

ROBERT DE NIRO

Yeah, that sure was a crazy, random thing that happened a few years ago which won't actually be relevant to the plot later on!

AL PACINO

Nor will it be used to make any kind of point about morality! Now let's go catch some drug dealers. Specifically, drug dealers that can't outrun two 60 year old cops.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Alright, but first let's introduce a shitty dramatic plot device.

We cut to a videotaped confession by ROBERT DE NIRO.

ROBERT DE NIRO (V.O.)

I have killed fifteen times. I will now tell you about those times in narration so as to move this overlong Law and Order episode along. My tenth kill was a 'skateboard pimp', which is apparently a thing.

The POLICE DEPARTMENT discovers that a skateboard pimp has been murdered. ROBERT and AL are assigned to the case.

ROBERT DE NIRO

This is interesting, the killer left a cheesy poem behind. Check it out.

AL PACINO

"There once were two men from Nantucket,

whose films wound up in bargain buckets.

They once were on top,

now each film's a flop,

if my dick pissed paychecks then they'd suck it."

ROBERT DE NIRO

Weird. Who could that be referring to?

ROBERT DE NIRO goes to CARLA GUGINO's apartment to have EXTREMELY GROSS OLD GUY SEX. Additionally, CARLA likes it super rough because that's MAXIMALLY DISGUSTING.

ROBERT DE NIRO (V.O.)

My next kill was some scumbag rapist. By this time the city knew there was a serial killer on the loose, but nobody seemed to really let it have any impact on their lives at all.

BRIAN DENNEHY grizzles his way through his scenes as the POLICE CAPTAIN.

BRIAN DENNEHY

I appreciate all of the work you guys are pretending to do to find this serial killer, but I'm adding two more cops to the case: John Leguizamo and Donnie Wahlberg.

AL PACINO

Donnie Wahlberg? Shit, have Robert De Niro and I reached a point where Mark Fucking Wahlberg is too good to be in our movie?

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

I think our serial killer is a cop. In fact, I think it's De Niro.

ROBERT DE NIRO

You're just accusing me because you're pissed off that I'm dating your ex-girlfriend, Carla Gugino.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Not really pissed off so much as repulsed. God damn, when you fuck she must feel like a leather beanbag chair is slapping against her ass.

JOHN and DONNIE try to prove that DE NIRO is the killer.

ROBERT DE NIRO (V.O.)

For some reason the ongoing police investigation didn't deter me from my serial murdering, so my thirteenth kill was a priest that molested me when I was a kid. So chew on that mental image for a bit.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Man, I hate that De Niro guy. You know, if he wasn't in this piece of crap movie it would have gone straight to DVD. Probably one of those DVDs with Special Features like "Widescreen Presentation" and "English Subtitles" too.

DONNIE WAHLBERG

Donnie Wahlberg hate subtitles. READING BAD!

DONNIE and JOHN convince 50 CENT to be the bait in a trap for DE NIRO. DE NIRO doesn't fall for it, and insults JOHN and DONNIE by calling them "whippersnappers." JOHN and DONNIE leave PACINO and DE NIRO alone with MR. CENT.

50 CENT

Excuse me while I conduct some drug-dealing business on my cell phone next to to this very large and very high window.

PACINO comes up and shoots 50 in the head.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Oh no, what have you done to M.C. Hammer?!

AL PACINO

That's right, I was the killer all along!

ROBERT DE NIRO

Well, duh. As soon as the movie starting taking great pains to avoid showing the killer even though I had already confessed on videotape, it was pretty obvious that the killer wasn't actually me. And since there are like 4 people in this movie, that pretty much leaves you.

AL PACINO

Yes, but don't you want to know the big secret mystery behind your videotaped confession?

ROBERT DE NIRO

I guess so.

AL PACINO

Okay. Here, read my confession out loud into this video camera.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Seriously? Fuck, I can't believe I managed to star in a movie more mediocre than "Hide and Seek,", "Meet the Fockers," "Godsend," "City by the Sea," "Showtime," "Analyze That," "15 Minutes," and "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle."

AL PACINO

Don't forget about "The Recruit," "Two for the Money," "S1m0ne," "The Devil's Advocate," and "Gigli."

ROBERT DE NIRO

Hey, didn't you say you have killed fifteen times? You've only killed fourteen times in the movie so far, what was your fifteenth kill?

AL PACINO

Isn't it obvious? Our careers.

END

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