Trent Reznor, protecting children from sunlight.


Trent Reznor, protecting children from sunlight.

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. RICHARD GRIFFITHS'S FUCKING HOUSE AGAIN

We are, for some reason, forced to watch more of DANIEL'S LIFE at home with his cocksucker foster family.

RICHARD GRIFFITHS

Your aunt is coming over tonight, Daniel, so don't do anything embarrassing.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

So, no magic as usual, right?

RICHARD GRIFFITHS

What? No, I mean don't let her walk in on you masturbating in the bathroom again.

AUNT BITCHFACE comes over. She makes DANIEL clean up after her and carry her shit around. Then she calls DANIEL'S MOM a bitch.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Alright seriously, why does the school keep sending me back here every summer? Everyone knows about these assholes. Why doesn't the school just let me work on campus over the summer? Why don't Rupert Grint's parents just adopt me or something? Even that obnoxious cow Roseanne did that. Why do all of these people who supposedly care about me just pretend that this doesn't happen? FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

He finally storms out of the house and runs away so that we never have to see the ANNOYING FAMILY ever again. After a superfluous scene involving a triple-decker bus, DANIEL finds himself at THE LEAKY CAULDRON, which would be a great place for DANIEL to stay and work over the summer if these movies weren't RETARDED.

INT. THE LEAKY CAULDRON

DANIEL finds himself awed by various MAGICAL OBJECTS, even though you think he'd be kind of used to things by now. He eventually runs into RUPERT GRINT and EMMA WATSON.

RUPERT GRINT

Daniel! It's so good to see you! How was everyone's summer? Mine was awesome and magical, since I spent it with an entire family of wizards.

EMMA WATSON

I spent the summer learning how to be even more insufferable and bratty.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I spent the summer talking myself out of killing my foster family in their sleep and wishing I could see my real parents, who were both brutally murdered in front of me when I was a baby. Don't let that stop you from rubbing my face in your happiness though.

INT. HOGWARTS

Headmaster MICHAEL GAMBON addresses the students.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Welcome to another year of peril at Hogwarts! I promise, nothing life-threatening will happen this time. Oh, wait, except that Gary Oldman escaped from prison. There are going to be a bunch of Dementors floating around looking for him, but don't get in their way or they'll kill you.

RUPERT GRINT

But aren't they at the school because we think Oldman might come here? Doesn't that mean he will be getting closer and closer to the kids all the time? I mean, the worst thing he could do is kill a kid, but it sounds like by simply getting near a kid, the Dementors will do that for him.

MICHAEL GAMBON

I wouldn't worry, Rupert. Oldman is after Daniel.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Seriously? Can't I just get through one year of school without being almost killed? Since yet another powerful evil force is targeting me, is it safe to assume I'll be getting some special attention from the school and maybe some extra protection?

MICHAEL GAMBON

No, you're just like any other student here.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Dammit. I've destroyed the evil thing that was going to destroy the school for two years in a row now. I've earned the right to urinate in your mouth whenever the bathroom is in use.

INT. CLASSROOM

The kids meet their new teacher, DAVID THEWLIS.

DAVID THEWLIS

Alright kids. I know your first teacher had a guy on the back of his head, and your second teacher turned out to be a fraud, but I swear, there's totally nothing weird about me. Please ignore the fact that I look like a homeless man.

EMMA WATSON

So what will we be learning this year? No doubt some kind of useful defensive spell that protects us against all kinds of foes.

DAVID THEWLIS

Right you are. We're going to be facing Boggarts, which have the ability to shape-shift into the thing we fear the most. I will teach a spell that makes them take the form of something funny.

EMMA WATSON

That's it? We're going to learn a spell that's effective against exactly one type of monster?

DAVID THEWLIS

Yep. And this may come as a shock, but it just so happens to be an extremely useful lesson for advancing the plot of this particular movie.

Everyone takes turns turning SCARY THINGS into FUNNY THINGS by making them wear women's clothes and roller skates, except for some reason one girl turns a SNAKE into a PANTS-SHITTINGLY TERRIFYING CLOWN.

DAVID teaches DANIEL how to defend himself against DEMENTORS, and we endure some more of the idiotic game QUIDDITCH.

EXT. HOGWARTS - NIGHT

The kids are forced outside by plot contrivances, where eventually A GIANT DOG kidnaps RUPERT.

RUPERT GRINT

Bloody hell, a poorly animated dog is taking me somewhere! Hopefully the set of a different movie!

The DOG turns into GARY OLDMAN.

GARY OLDMAN

Ha-ha! The CGI dog was I, the escaped prisoner of Azkaban! And now, someone here is going to have to die!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

The only things that are dying tonight are you and the patience of our audience members.

He wrestles GARY to the ground but DAVID THEWLIS stops him.

DAVID THEWLIS

Daniel, stop! He wasn't referring to you, he meant Rupert's rat. The rat is actually a guy that betrayed your parents and framed Gary.

GARY OLDMAN

Quite right. He turned into a rat and become Rupert's pet by coincidence. When I said someone here is going to die, I meant the rat, knowing full well that none of you had any idea the rat was actually a person and would have no alternative but to interpret my choice of words as a threat against you.

DAVID THEWLIS

Also I'm a werewolf! This plot point is suddenly relevant, as tonight there is a full moon.

DAVID turns into a WEREWOLF sort of.

GARY OLDMAN

Oh no, my good friend David Thewlis is turning into something kind of resembling a wolf but mostly resembling nothing at all! I will transform back into a dog to fight him, because if I just kick the wolf in the face with my boot, PETA will be all over us.

He turns into a DOG and they FIGHT. A bunch of DEMENTORS swarm all over DANIEL and GARY.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

It's alright, it's alright... if I know these movies at all, some totally random thing will show up and save my ass any minute now.

It DOES! Someone in the woods casts a SPELL that makes the DEMENTORS leave. GARY is still captured and sentenced to DEATH.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

We have to stop them from killing Gary, Emma!

EMMA WATSON

Because he knew your parents and is therefore in a position to be your new father figure?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

No, because having a real actor like Gary Oldman in these movies almost makes them legitimate. We can't let him be written out of the franchise.

EMMA WATSON

Alright, we can use my time machine.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Sounds great, let's use your... wait, what? You have a time machine?

EMMA WATSON

Yeah. Professor Maggie Smith gave it to me earlier this year to help me take two classes at once.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I've been nearly killed a dozen times since I started going to this school. I'm the one Voldemort is after. I was the one Gary Oldman wanted. Nobody in this school is in as much danger as I am on a regular basis, and she gave a FUCKING TIME MACHINE to YOU!? So that you could be a snot-nosed little shit and take more classes?

EMMA WATSON

I guess. Why would she have given it to you?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW USEFUL A TIME MACHINE WOULD HAVE BEEN LAST YEAR WHEN I HAD TO FIGHT THE GIANT SNAKE? I'VE WATCHED HUMAN BEINGS DIE BY MY HAND EVERY YEAR SINCE I CAME TO THIS FUCKING SCHOOL, AND I COULD HAVE AVOIDED ALL OF IT WITH A TIME MACHINE! WHAT IN FUCK'S NAME WAS THAT STUPID BITCH THINKING?!

They travel back to the middle of the movie together, instead of 15 years ago to save DANIEL'S PARENTS.

EXT. HOGWARTS - 30 MINUTES AGO

DANIEL and EMMA sneak around the school and avoid being seen.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Alright, what's the plan?

EMMA WATSON

Well, we're going to run around, watching events from earlier in the movie taking place from different angles. Somehow, this will allow us to save Gary Oldman.

They do that. Eventually they get to the part with DEMENTORS swarming DANIEL and GARY. PRESENT TIME DANIEL casts the spell that saves them.

EMMA WATSON

Daniel! For the first time, the Deus Ex Machina at the end of a Harry Potter movie was actually YOU!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Yeah! Except since that actually happened to me before, that means that we can't possibly have actually changed anything by going back in time.

EMMA WATSON

(shrugs)

You're right, but somehow we did anyway.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I really hope these idiotic movies are worth being typecast for the rest of our lives.

They AREN'T.

END

Discussion