Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Sep 29th, 2007 |
84 Comments
| Movie: 
FADE IN:
INT. RICHARD GRIFFITHS’S FUCKING HOUSE AGAIN
We are, for some reason, forced to watch more of DANIEL’S LIFE at home with his cocksucker foster family.
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
Your aunt is coming over tonight, Daniel, so don’t do anything embarrassing.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
So, no magic as usual, right?
RICHARD GRIFFITHS
What? No, I mean don’t let her walk in on you masturbating in the bathroom again.
AUNT BITCHFACE comes over. She makes DANIEL clean up after her and carry her shit around. Then she calls DANIEL’S MOM a bitch.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Alright seriously, why does the school keep sending me back here every summer? Everyone knows about these assholes. Why doesn’t the school just let me work on campus over the summer? Why don’t Rupert Grint’s parents just adopt me or something? Even that obnoxious cow Roseanne did that. Why do all of these people who supposedly care about me just pretend that this doesn’t happen? FUCK. THIS. SHIT.
He finally storms out of the house and runs away so that we never have to see the ANNOYING FAMILY ever again. After a superfluous scene involving a triple-decker bus, DANIEL finds himself at THE LEAKY CAULDRON, which would be a great place for DANIEL to stay and work over the summer if these movies weren’t RETARDED.
INT. THE LEAKY CAULDRON
DANIEL finds himself awed by various MAGICAL OBJECTS, even though you think he’d be kind of used to things by now. He eventually runs into RUPERT GRINT and EMMA WATSON.
RUPERT GRINT
Daniel! It’s so good to see you! How was everyone’s summer? Mine was awesome and magical, since I spent it with an entire family of wizards.
EMMA WATSON
I spent the summer learning how to be even more insufferable and bratty.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I spent the summer talking myself out of killing my foster family in their sleep and wishing I could see my real parents, who were both brutally murdered in front of me when I was a baby. Don’t let that stop you from rubbing my face in your happiness though.
INT. HOGWARTS
Headmaster MICHAEL GAMBON addresses the students.
MICHAEL GAMBON
Welcome to another year of peril at Hogwarts! I promise, nothing life-threatening will happen this time. Oh, wait, except that Gary Oldman escaped from prison. There are going to be a bunch of Dementors floating around looking for him, but don’t get in their way or they’ll kill you.
RUPERT GRINT
But aren’t they at the school because we think Oldman might come here? Doesn’t that mean he will be getting closer and closer to the kids all the time? I mean, the worst thing he could do is kill a kid, but it sounds like by simply getting near a kid, the Dementors will do that for him.
MICHAEL GAMBON
I wouldn’t worry, Rupert. Oldman is after Daniel.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Seriously? Can’t I just get through one year of school without being almost killed? Since yet another powerful evil force is targeting me, is it safe to assume I’ll be getting some special attention from the school and maybe some extra protection?
MICHAEL GAMBON
No, you’re just like any other student here.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Dammit. I’ve destroyed the evil thing that was going to destroy the school for two years in a row now. I’ve earned the right to urinate in your mouth whenever the bathroom is in use.
INT. CLASSROOM
The kids meet their new teacher, DAVID THEWLIS.
DAVID THEWLIS
Alright kids. I know your first teacher had a guy on the back of his head, and your second teacher turned out to be a fraud, but I swear, there’s totally nothing weird about me. Please ignore the fact that I look like a homeless man.
EMMA WATSON
So what will we be learning this year? No doubt some kind of useful defensive spell that protects us against all kinds of foes.
DAVID THEWLIS
Right you are. We’re going to be facing Boggarts, which have the ability to shape-shift into the thing we fear the most. I will teach a spell that makes them take the form of something funny.
EMMA WATSON
That’s it? We’re going to learn a spell that’s effective against exactly one type of monster?
DAVID THEWLIS
Yep. And this may come as a shock, but it just so happens to be an extremely useful lesson for advancing the plot of this particular movie.
Everyone takes turns turning SCARY THINGS into FUNNY THINGS by making them wear women’s clothes and roller skates, except for some reason one girl turns a SNAKE into a PANTS-SHITTINGLY TERRIFYING CLOWN.
DAVID teaches DANIEL how to defend himself against DEMENTORS, and we endure some more of the idiotic game QUIDDITCH.
EXT. HOGWARTS – NIGHT
The kids are forced outside by plot contrivances, where eventually A GIANT DOG kidnaps RUPERT.
RUPERT GRINT
Bloody hell, a poorly animated dog is taking me somewhere! Hopefully the set of a different movie!
The DOG turns into GARY OLDMAN.
GARY OLDMAN
Ha-ha! The CGI dog was I, the escaped prisoner of Azkaban! And now, someone here is going to have to die!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
The only things that are dying tonight are you and the patience of our audience members.
He wrestles GARY to the ground but DAVID THEWLIS stops him.
DAVID THEWLIS
Daniel, stop! He wasn’t referring to you, he meant Rupert’s rat. The rat is actually a guy that betrayed your parents and framed Gary.
GARY OLDMAN
Quite right. He turned into a rat and become Rupert’s pet by coincidence. When I said someone here is going to die, I meant the rat, knowing full well that none of you had any idea the rat was actually a person and would have no alternative but to interpret my choice of words as a threat against you.
DAVID THEWLIS
Also I’m a werewolf! This plot point is suddenly relevant, as tonight there is a full moon.
DAVID turns into a WEREWOLF sort of.
GARY OLDMAN
Oh no, my good friend David Thewlis is turning into something kind of resembling a wolf but mostly resembling nothing at all! I will transform back into a dog to fight him, because if I just kick the wolf in the face with my boot, PETA will be all over us.
He turns into a DOG and they FIGHT. A bunch of DEMENTORS swarm all over DANIEL and GARY.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
It’s alright, it’s alright… if I know these movies at all, some totally random thing will show up and save my ass any minute now.
It DOES! Someone in the woods casts a SPELL that makes the DEMENTORS leave. GARY is still captured and sentenced to DEATH.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
We have to stop them from killing Gary, Emma!
EMMA WATSON
Because he knew your parents and is therefore in a position to be your new father figure?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
No, because having a real actor like Gary Oldman in these movies almost makes them legitimate. We can’t let him be written out of the franchise.
EMMA WATSON
Alright, we can use my time machine.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Sounds great, let’s use your… wait, what? You have a time machine?
EMMA WATSON
Yeah. Professor Maggie Smith gave it to me earlier this year to help me take two classes at once.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I’ve been nearly killed a dozen times since I started going to this school. I’m the one Voldemort is after. I was the one Gary Oldman wanted. Nobody in this school is in as much danger as I am on a regular basis, and she gave a FUCKING TIME MACHINE to YOU!? So that you could be a snot-nosed little shit and take more classes?
EMMA WATSON
I guess. Why would she have given it to you?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW USEFUL A TIME MACHINE WOULD HAVE BEEN LAST YEAR WHEN I HAD TO FIGHT THE GIANT SNAKE? I’VE WATCHED HUMAN BEINGS DIE BY MY HAND EVERY YEAR SINCE I CAME TO THIS FUCKING SCHOOL, AND I COULD HAVE AVOIDED ALL OF IT WITH A TIME MACHINE! WHAT IN FUCK’S NAME WAS THAT STUPID BITCH THINKING?!
They travel back to the middle of the movie together, instead of 15 years ago to save DANIEL’S PARENTS.
EXT. HOGWARTS – 30 MINUTES AGO
DANIEL and EMMA sneak around the school and avoid being seen.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Alright, what’s the plan?
EMMA WATSON
Well, we’re going to run around, watching events from earlier in the movie taking place from different angles. Somehow, this will allow us to save Gary Oldman.
They do that. Eventually they get to the part with DEMENTORS swarming DANIEL and GARY. PRESENT TIME DANIEL casts the spell that saves them.
EMMA WATSON
Daniel! For the first time, the Deus Ex Machina at the end of a Harry Potter movie was actually YOU!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Yeah! Except since that actually happened to me before, that means that we can’t possibly have actually changed anything by going back in time.
EMMA WATSON
(shrugs)
You’re right, but somehow we did anyway.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I really hope these idiotic movies are worth being typecast for the rest of our lives.
They AREN’T.
END
We get it, you hate harry potter..
September 29th, 2007 at 1:23 pmThis abridged script conveys the emotions I felt when I watched the movie. The whole time machine thing was incredibly stupid – even in the books. The reason why you wouldn’t/shouldn’t travel back in time was basically this: bad things can happen. Yeah, great. “Okay, Mr. Dumbledore. So you’re saying that bad things can happen if we change anything while we’re in the past? And you’re still giving us permission to rewrite this whole day by traveling back in time, saving a gryphon and getting my godfather out of jail? Awesome!”
September 29th, 2007 at 1:31 pmYa, I always thought found it kinda weird how the school has all the means to completely keep Harry from dying, but they only ever end up in the story via useless plot contrivances.
Plus the time machine thing is f**king ridiculous. The more you think about the way it works, the more your brain hurts. Then, to make matters even more f**king stupid, the most useful device in the entire book is only used once, and NEVER SHOWS UP EVER AGAIN!
Way to tell it like it is, Rod.
September 29th, 2007 at 3:07 pmI thought time travel really elevated this entry in the series.
That and Alfonso fucking Cuaron, badass director extraordinare.
September 29th, 2007 at 3:10 pmCome on Sofie, the series is full of Deus ex Machina; as a matter of fact isn’t that how the series ends?
September 29th, 2007 at 3:16 pmThe time travel was great in this movie. Still a funny script though.
September 29th, 2007 at 3:31 pmBrilliant. I seriously have no memory of the first three Harry Potter movies (except I know they were shit), so it’s fun going over them again and remembering why I blocked them out. Unfortunately, I actually really like Goblet of Fire, but I hope I can still have a laugh when you do your script Rod.
September 29th, 2007 at 4:55 pmAmong other things that I found hilarious, “No, because having a real actor like Gary Oldman in these movies almost makes them legitimate”! lmao!
Great Job!
September 29th, 2007 at 5:11 pmBest line in the script: “for some reason one girl turns a SNAKE into a PANTS-SHITTINGLY TERRIFYING CLOWN.” No question about it. Brilliant.
September 29th, 2007 at 5:22 pmRod;
It’s so obvious that you hate the Harry Potter movies, that your anger is making you into an even more hilarious writer! Brilliant! You’re a screenwriting HULK, baby!
“Ms. Rowling, don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
Narrator: “The writer is driven by rage, and wanted for a Harry Potter script he totally ass-fucked…”
:-)
September 29th, 2007 at 6:05 pmI really don’t see what’s so wrong about Harry’s family. I had to help around the house when I was a kid too. Granted, they are sort of cold towards Potter, but, then again he threw their fucking son into a snake pit in the first movie, and he almost brutally murders his own aunt just for a petty remark in this one. If that doesn’t make you a little weary of someone…
I mean, hell, I would choose the wacky dysfunctional British family over a school where half of the adults are actively trying to kill me, any time.
September 29th, 2007 at 7:03 pmYeah, the freaky-clown comment got me to lol. literally though.
And yeah, I know it’s overkill to mention because it’s just a movie, but….
Why the fuck do writers bother putting time travel into their stories? Unless the problem to be resolved or studied in the story IS time travel itself (a la Back to the Future), then there’s really no problem at all once you reveal a time traveller. Heroes on NBC did this to me and I turned against it instantaneously. They have all these storylines going every which way, and then we go to the future and learn that Hiro is searching for the moment that Sylar explodes…. so he can go back to that exact moment and stop it.
what the fuck that’s fucking dumb! You KNOW who explodes. You KNOW he does it. You don’t NEED to go back to that EXACT MOMENT. You can travel through time! you can go back to the day he was born and drown the fucker when he’s defenseless! Fuck, you can go back further and cut off his dad’s penis! WTF is up with writers putting time travel in and still pretending there’s a problem to be solved?!
And the same holds true here. Go back to any time you want and, oh, stop oldman from getting out of jail, how’s that? go back and see how he does it then go further back and fix the issue? TIME TRAVEL IS FUCKING WEAK AS A PLOT POINT.
FUCKING LAZY-ASS BITCHES.
September 29th, 2007 at 10:41 pmI think this story actually did stick to the idea that the effects of time travel have already occurred “before” the moment the time travelers jump into the past, so time travel in this sense doesn’t actually change anything but merely fulfills its own destiny. I don’t usually like that philosophy of time travel, but at least it’s better than when stories mix both kinds liberally, meaning that sometimes characters can change events in the past and create a new timeline, and other times the effects of a time trip generate the circumstances of the trip in the first place, with everyone seeming to stay in the same timeline. How are you supposed to know whether you can actually change history on any particular journey?
September 30th, 2007 at 12:06 amTime parodoxes (parodoxi?) always give me a headache.
Time travel is never great in any movie/book/short story/drunken debate.
September 30th, 2007 at 6:35 amEver.
random bob,
What cracks me up is this: if I had a time machine and an invisibility cloak, there are no longer any mysteries to be solved. And without mysteries, there are virtually no problems. All the books after the third don’t need to exist – at this point Harry and crew have the tools to solve every problem that they encounter easily.
September 30th, 2007 at 7:40 am“except for some reason one girl turns a SNAKE into a PANTS-SHITTINGLY TERRIFYING CLOWN”
As others have said, best line of the script! That’s EXACTLY what I thought at that scene. Seriously, that clown’s head looming down over the students was far more horrifying than anything the creature conjured.
And like you said, with a magic time machine and an invisiblity cloak (and don’t forget a map that shows where everyone is at any given time), can’t you pretty much do anything? Like warn Harry’s parents and save their lives, for example? Whenever time travel is abruptly introduced into a story, it opens up a whole slew of plot holes and time paradoxes. I guess that’s why JK Rowling promptly forgot it existed after this book.
Personally I hated this movie and have no idea why everyone thinks the director is such a God-send. Sirius Black and the werewolf looked completely ridiculous, and the movie never bothered to explain WHY Harry’s patronus looked like a stag and WHY all of his dad’s friends can turn into animals and WHY they know about the Marauder’s Map and WHO those weird names on it are referring to (the answer is THEM). I know not everything in the books can be translated to the screen, nor should it be, but that little explanation about the animal-transformations was extremely key to the story and should not have been left out. It would have saved movie-goers (those who care at all, but not enough to read the books) a lot of confusion.
I really hope Sean C up there was being sarcastic.
September 30th, 2007 at 8:15 am—”can’t you pretty much do anything? Like warn Harry’s parents and save their lives, for example?”—
You’ve apparently read the books, since you know more about the story than what is shown in the films, so you ought to also know that Harry’s parents already knew Voldemort was after them. Hence the whole “betrayal” plot in this movie. So what good would going back and warning them have been?
——
Everybody likes to bitch about the plot contrivances in both book and film, but nobody stops to consider why they were put in. Yeah, the invisibility cloak and time-turner would allow them to solve any problem effortlessly. Wow, that’s a fun fucking book. Can’t wait to pick that one up. Name a single story in any medium that can’t be twisted around like “Well, if they just did this and that, everything would be fine!” Yes, it would, but then there’d be no story. You want reality, watch the news. That’s as close as you’re gonna get.
September 30th, 2007 at 8:43 amYou’re absolutely right about the time travel crap. Star Trek always pulls that stunt. Remember ‘First Contact’? The Borg travel exactly to the day when the Vulcans show up.
September 30th, 2007 at 9:32 amWhy not just travel back to the Middle Ages or something like that and assimilate earth before it devlopes anything like space travel? For that matter: why attack earth in the first place and use time travel as a last ditch solution after they lose the battle? It would be much easier to travel back in time immediately and avoid the whole battle.
AJ – One of the original ideas for First Contact was actually for the Borg to go back to medieval times. Trouble is, it would’ve looked kinda goofy, like that Robin Hood episode of TNG.
September 30th, 2007 at 10:40 amI wasn’t. Time travel is awesome. If you find that to be the most ridiculous aspect of a fucking movie about wizards at wizard school, then you’re the one with the priority problems, not me.
Alfonso Cuaron made AIDS funny way back in the early 90’s. Of course he’s great.
September 30th, 2007 at 11:25 amLOL, OK enough with the deus ex machina references please! ;) Sure, Potter is loaded with them; so are a lot of movies. I agree about the time travel part too, it sure would save Harry a lot of trouble if someone had thought to give *him* a time travel device. But I guess then he wouldn’t have to be saved by that movie’s required deus ex machina, would he? :)
Good script as always!
September 30th, 2007 at 1:03 pmTypecast? Can these people ever hope to do legitimate work after the series is through? I mean, c’mon, Rupert Effing Grint?
September 30th, 2007 at 1:25 pmI think this was the first of your scripts I stopped reading half way through. I don’t remember you having to resort to swearing so much in order to make a script funny. Really, show’s over, move on.
September 30th, 2007 at 2:16 pm“Oh no, my good friend David Thewlis is turning into something kind of resembling a wolf but mostly resembling GOLLUM, AGAIN.”
September 30th, 2007 at 4:25 pmRod:
Yeah, exactly. I mean seriously, if you want your characters to have a point at all & something like an issue to deal with, AVOID FUCKING TIME TRAVEL. I mean, unless the movie is a philosophical look at how time travel can F- everything up, then there’s no problem anymore once a time vehicle is introduced. Leave time travel to the philosophers, dammit.
It’s just lazy. I mean it’s like they go “OK, I have no idea how I’m going to get the story from where I am to where it needs to be in about 30 minutes….. I KNOW! A TIME MACHINE!”
17
Phixius–
You seen “The Matrix?” for all its “whoa’s” and “Dude’s.” the basic story is one that’s centuries old (Descartes based his philosphy on it, Plato dealt with it, too), and doesn’t have an actual “true” as can be proved answer, leading to intriguing mysteries in and of itself. The movie overall was smart. AND entertaining. So NO, you don’t HAVE to have all these stupid plot elements in a movie to make it worthwhile; you just need a well-crafted story. Maybe writing skills? I hear those help.
I offered Matrix as an example because it jumped out at me. But I admit that 2 & 3 were worthless other than vehicles to further slo-mo time-lapse kung-fu as a fighting style. There’s plenty of examples, Back to the Future (original only) was another good example, and it EVEN DID DEAL with time travel. But it did a much better job of it, i.e. things in the past affected the future which affected the past, which affected the future…. you get it.
So basically I’m saying time travel as used in this film (and in Heroes on NBC) blows chunks. It’s not a matter of suspending disbelief, it’s a matter of the writer letting you pay them to piss on your shoes and tell you it’s raining.
September 30th, 2007 at 5:41 pmI do have to just quickly point out, there IS a reason that Harry has to go back to his Aunt and Uncles every summer – I can’t remember which book it’s explained in, but by calling their place “home” it keeps the enchantments that protect him there in place. Otherwise Voldemort and his band of evil muthafukas could just destroy the house with everyone in it. I still think he could call the RSPCA to stop them being quite such bastards to him though.
September 30th, 2007 at 7:52 pmOverall a pretty good script Rod (especially the clown comment) but you are getting a little lazy with these Potter ones. Example: you rag on Lupin’s class for teaching the defense against one type of monster. So what? That was one class – you make it sound like that’s the only thing they learned the entire year. And gee, no shit that spell has something to do with the plot – if it didn’t, why would the scene be in the f-ing movie. Screenplay structure, buddy.
The time travel thing I don’t even want to get into because it’ll make me sound like a nerd, but to be quick: yeah, it was probably unnecessary to introduce a device so fraught with complication and then never use it again, but she made it work. There’s only one timeline involved here; in other words, even though they’re going back in time, they’ve *already* been back; no separate timeline exists where they haven’t been back, and thus no timeline exists where they never rescued Sirius. They never changed anything because that’s the way it always happened.
September 30th, 2007 at 8:02 pm*dies laughing*
*after time-travel, dies again*
September 30th, 2007 at 8:02 pmMike, according to the movie, it IS pretty much the only thing they learned all year XD. And in the books it’s not much more. I mean, I remember the spell Lupin taught the class for shooting bubblegum out of a doorknob and up a poltergeists’ nose. Gee, what an education these kids are getting, aye?
October 1st, 2007 at 3:23 pmMike,
I agree with Lindsey. The movie does nothing to convey that there are really any classes taking place in the term besides the ones we see (aside from whatever extra classes Hermione is taking simultaneously). How am I, the viewer, supposed to know that they are taking additional classes that teach other things which aren’t relevant to the plot?
It’s not like they have to SHOW these classes and waste screen time. These are throwaway lines that give this impression. “Man, Snape’s class sucked today.” – or even a quick gag – like the kids playing with some object they got in class and mentioning the class where they got it. It’s not hard to provide the audience with a sense that there are things going on that they do not see – and the movie doesn’t do that.
October 1st, 2007 at 3:40 pmOkay, so this is going back through a fair lot of comments, but: Kimota – SERIOUSLY?!
Harry’s parents are abusive assholes! They made him sleep in a broom cupboard under the stairs for the first eleven years of his life, they put bars across his window and refused to feed him in the summer between his first and second year in school, they don’t allow him to do his summer homework because it’s from Hogwarts, and they let Dudley bully him mercilessly for years. Rowling is going out of her way to make this family look like unbelievable, bigoted, abusing, uncaring douches. You can’t possibly think that their behaviour is portrayed as normal and Harry’s reaction as petulant. No *way*.
October 1st, 2007 at 3:50 pmRandom Bob-
Fair enough. You named not only a single story, but two stories. And they are genuinely good examples. I did ask for only a single example, but the spirit of my message remains the same. I mean, two out of how many? Even if you could name more, we’re still talking less than one whole percent of every story ever told that doesn’t rely on “contrivances.”
A bit of irony I’d like to point out: you mention The Matrix. You pointed out that the second and third installments were not mean to be included in your counter-point. Good call, considering there is a character in the third whose actual name “Deus Ex Machina.” ;)
October 1st, 2007 at 4:32 pmTyallie: Well, obviously I was being fatetious, but come to think about it.. hell, at least they are not trying to kill him.
I can’t say the same for the adults in the wizard world. Even those teachers that won’t actively try to murder him, will do things like allow him to participate in a potentially lethal treasure hunt in the goblet movie. Now, tell me that that’s a better option.
October 2nd, 2007 at 9:01 amBest part: “Everyone takes turns turning SCARY THINGS into FUNNY THINGS by making them wear women’s clothes and roller skates, except for some reason one girl turns a SNAKE into a PANTS-SHITTINGLY TERRIFYING CLOWN.”
When I saw that in the movie I was just like “AGH! WHY?!”
This is my favorite script in a while, for some reason, even though this movie is my 2nd favorite in the series (although that’s damning with very faint praise).
October 2nd, 2007 at 10:59 amRight with you on the clown comment. Clearly this girl was not old enough to have seen ‘Poltergeist’ which put my young self off clowns f.o.r.e.v.e.r.
I spent half this review laughing and half of it thinking how much more sense it all makes when you’ve read the books (eg, why Harry has to go back to the Dursleys’ for at least a part of each summer).
October 3rd, 2007 at 1:23 amThis movie could have made a lot more stuff better and more clear if they’d simply cut out a few scenes, opening up more time… such as, oh i don’t know, repeatedly going to Hogsmeade and accomplishing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that couldn’t have been done from school! Yeah.
And Rod, you could have added something about the completely ridiculous anticlimactic final scene ending with an awkward freeze frame… and the fact that it was completely pointless since they cut Quidditch out of the rest of the movies so far.
October 3rd, 2007 at 8:02 pm“DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I really hope these idiotic movies are worth being typecast for the rest of our lives.
They AREN’T.”
I don’t know. Several million pounds before you’re twenty seems like they’re damn worth being typecast.
October 7th, 2007 at 1:41 amWell the reason the Time Turner never showing up again and it’s limited use is because of three things:
A) The time turner has a limited range in terms of how far back it can go. It also works on a system of rotation the hour glass so it can really only go back by hours. Not days and not years.
B) It’s a very powerful artifact and heavily regulated by the Ministry of Magic. Hogwarts has no control and little influence at the MoM. In fact a lot of officials in the Ministry completely deny that Voldemort is back and write Harry off as either a fraud or eccentric. The only reason that Hermione was granted one was that she is the top student in her year and maybe the top in the school and was given special permission and strict instructions.
C) The Time Turners were all destroyed in the fight at the Ministry in Order of the Phoenix.
October 7th, 2007 at 10:41 pmAs well, there is a reason for Harry having to go back to the Dursleys every year. But I won’t spoil it. However there is a very legitimate reason and it’s thoroughly explained. As well, the Dursleys have always known Harry was a wizard and their bias towards them was thrust upon him before he could even talk. It was actually Petunia who knew first. Vernon found out that wizards were real when Harry was delivered and Petunia had to explain it all. Petunias dislike (jealousy) of her sister Lily resulted in a dislike of all wizards and Vernons need to be ‘upstanding’ and ‘well liked’ ruled out any sort of ‘abnormalness’ and thusly wizards were NOT tolerated since they were thought of as fake in the average uninformed society. It makes me wonder what would have happened had Petunia been accepting of Lilys abilities and NOT shunned her (though it all in the end leads back to Snape).
October 7th, 2007 at 10:50 pmMy point is, that Harry was ALWAYS treated poorly even before displaying magical powers. And as for him throwing Dudley into the snake exhibit, that wasnt on purpose, it was an accident. Much like the mishaps that occur to some mutant in the X-Men books when their powers first manifest. Some have more control over it than others (as displayed by the glimpse of Snape and Lily’s childhood we get in book 7).
Empire CDs:
Where do the movies say any of the things you are saying? Which movie did all of this explanation take place in? During which movie is Harry’s time with his asshole foster parents “thoroughly explained”?
I presume you aren’t trying to tell me that my criticisms of the MOVIE aren’t valid because they are rationalized in the BOOK. That would make you a fucking imbecile, and you’re not a fucking imbecile are you?
October 8th, 2007 at 6:43 amOuch…
October 8th, 2007 at 5:20 pmThis was when the franchise started to get really interesting, because the new director bothered to inject some of his own creative vision rather than plagiarizing the novels verbatim. It actually made me appreciate the book more… Still a funny script.
October 8th, 2007 at 7:08 pmThe first two were the best ones. After that they just started butchering the plot, damon.
October 8th, 2007 at 8:33 pmRod Hilton Says:
Empire CDs:
Where do the movies say any of the things you are saying? Which movie did all of this explanation take place in? During which movie is Harry’s time with his asshole foster parents “thoroughly explained”?
I presume you aren’t trying to tell me that my criticisms of the MOVIE aren’t valid because they are rationalized in the BOOK. That would make you a fucking imbecile, and you’re not a fucking imbecile are you?
—
Not that I disagree that the movies depend entirely too much on the viewer having read the book, but these things aren’t explained until book 7. So it stands to reason they’d go unexplained in movies 1-6. In regards to these certain details, the viewer goes unawares just like the reader.
I wonder how much better the scripts you write for these movies would be if you’d read the books and really knew what it was you were bitching about. Which sounds like an insult, but isn’t supposed to be. I’m just saying there’d be so much more fodder for you.
October 8th, 2007 at 11:34 pmGoing back in time to change the past is impossible and would probably create a paradox that would destroy the entire universe. Consider this: if the you from the future decides to travel back in time to the present day (today), it will already have happened, i.e. the current timeline would have already taken into account your time-meddling. If, from now until then, you don’t bump into yourself and nothing in your life changes, it means that you never went back in time to change anything. Geddit?
Consider “The Terminator Paradox”. Arnold Schwarzenegger is sent back through time to kill Sarah Connor because her little brat, John, has seriously fucked the machines’ shit up in the future. Now, assume that the Terminator actually succeeds and kills Sarah. John is never born and doesn’t go on to fuck the machines’ shit up. Hence it is therefore no longer necessary for a Terminator to be sent back through time to kill Sarah Connor. So John Connor is born and goes on to fuck up some serious shit for the machines. Who then send a Terminator back through time to kill Sarah Connor.
If I was a Dalek my fucking head would have exploded by now.
Considering all that, it was pretty fucking irresponsible of Prof. Maggie Smith to give a FUCKING TIME MACHINE to a third year magic student (“Yes, there is the chance that you could destroy the universe, but I’m probably trying to fuck you or something so … here, take this FUCKING TIME MACHINE).
Gawd. The Harry Potter books are absolute garbage. I tried reading them out of curiousity but only got as far as the fourth book (well, okay, only a mere 600 pages into the fourth book) before giving up. If anyone feels that I haven’t given the series a fair shake and that the remaining books are modern day masterpieces, feel free to write me a long, argumentative e-mail that I can ignore.
October 10th, 2007 at 1:22 amBooks 5 and 6 are actually loads better than 1-4 IMO. As to their respective movies, I have no idea and don’t care to know except through their abridged scripts.
October 10th, 2007 at 1:22 pmI don’t think it’s the logic or the mechanics of the time travel itself which are troublesome here. Movies don’t depict reality, which both the filmmaker and the viewer need to be aware of. In fantasy or science fiction movies in particular, but any genre in general, the fictional universe of the film shouldn’t be exactly the same as our everyday lives. It is acceptable, and often preferable, for a film to depict science, technology, and occasionally logic differently, so long as those differences are clearly laid out.
The Matrix, for example, has a premise which relies on a violation of the Law of Conservation of Energy; this is acceptable, though, since it is explicitly explained by the characters that the machines use humans to produce energy. They don’t get into the details of why the humans can produce more energy than they are given or process it more effectively than these sophisticated machines can. It is stated that these things are simply the case, and that is that. The physical laws of our universe don’t have to apply to the universe of The Matrix. And when The Matrix requires that anyone who dies in the matrix also dies in real life, this is perfectly fine. What’s not fine is that the characters frequently undergo trauma in the Matrix that would easily kill a human and don’t die, either in the Matrix or real life. This isn’t totally unacceptable either – it’s clearly shown that those aware of the matrix are able to interact with it in ways that normal humans can’t – except that everyone frequently goes through great pains to avoid getting shot, while not bothering to avoid other kinds of damage that far exceed what one bullet would do to them. While one could probably conjure up some sort of explanation as to why bullets must be avoided in the matrix, it is not made at all clear in the film. This is an example of an improper deviation from reality.
That being said, the universe of Harry Potter differs from ours in many ways, almost all of which are obvious and clear in the films. There is magic in Harry Potter, and the viewer accepts that. Time travel is possible through this magic, which the viewer should also accept, at least initially. The viewer should even ignore the logical problems of time travel paradoxes, since the movie makes its rules for time travel clear – you can interact with the past and change its events, which will have been part of your sequence of events previously, so long as your past self doesn’t see your current self. The problem, which Rod noted in the script, is that the power of time travel would allow the characters to easily solve nearly every other problem they encounter in the entire series, yet they only choose to use it so that some nerdy brat can be even nerdier and brattier. It is never made the least bit clear why the characters, in the context of the universe of the film, would do what they did. Back to the Future made time travel work, because it was clear why the characters did what they did within the film’s scientific and logical framework. Ditto, to a lesser extent, with the Terminator. Not at all, though, with this movie.
October 11th, 2007 at 6:47 pmTom wins.
October 11th, 2007 at 10:02 pmOh yeah? Well … my dick is bigger than his. So there.
October 11th, 2007 at 11:57 pmUncyclopedia has it right when they have Harry saying “Hogwarts? THIS IS SPARTAAA!!!”
November 5th, 2007 at 1:19 pmCuaron and the actors could only do so much with what are, in the end, not very well written books. They’re compulsive, but you have to be willing to buy a LOT of deus ex machinae…
It’s one of my complaints about the whole Potter franchise, Rod, and I think you’ve underlined it pretty well in your scripts.
November 10th, 2007 at 8:19 amEveryone takes turns turning SCARY THINGS into FUNNY THINGS by making them wear women’s clothes and roller skates, except for some reason one girl turns a SNAKE into a PANTS-SHITTINGLY TERRIFYING CLOWN
SO FUCKING TRUE! I saw that and wondered…HOW IN FUCK’S NAME IS THAT LESS SCARY THAN A SNAKE?!
December 11th, 2007 at 4:57 pmGreat script,that’s funny as hell. But I’m surprised you did not mention how fucking stupid it was that Harry is seen using magic OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL in the first scene when the last two movies made it clear that magic outside school was not allowed.
December 23rd, 2007 at 7:32 amChris, who talks about the reason that Harry has to go back to his Aunt and Uncle’s every summer:
Fair point regarding the books. I’d say though that his calling the RSPCA for help would be a rather odd thing to do, unless you think he classes himself as an animal rather than a human (given his wizardry status, perhaps?). And even if he did he’d probably have a hard time convincing the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals of his eligibility for assistance…
January 16th, 2008 at 7:25 am“DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I spent the summer talking myself out of killing my foster family in their sleep and wishing I could see my real parents, who were both brutally murdered in front of me when I was a baby. Don’t let that stop you from rubbing my face in your happiness though.”
I love your harry potter scripts…hahaha this is funny as hell
January 16th, 2008 at 3:41 pm“DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I spent the summer talking myself out of killing my foster family in their sleep and wishing I could see my real parents, who were both brutally murdered in front of me when I was a baby. Don’t let that stop you from rubbing my face in your happiness though.”
I love your harry potter scripts…hahaha this is funny as hell
And yes, that clown was terrifying…
January 16th, 2008 at 3:42 pmI think the movie “Butterfly effect” got it right, every time you go back in time to fix something, it causes something else to turn out worse.
February 1st, 2008 at 1:08 pmHow about, you know, going back and murdering Voldemort at the orphanage with some of these spells that are apparently able to hold off amazing forbidden curses, despite the lame ass shit they seem to be teaching them every year in school. Seriously, they learn nothing from the actual teachers, and for Christ’s sake, he manages to beat the seemingly all powerful evil thing seven FUCKING years in a row. I mean, the plot line admittedly wasn’t bad, (though I don’t think it’s so great to deserve all the hype it got) I mean, you know, what seven year old kid wouldn’t like to fantasize about getting a letter that says ‘your a wizard, come to this magical school’ but the explanations just don’t make any sense!
Good script anyhow, Rod.
February 26th, 2008 at 8:17 amHere’s a thought, JK, just, to consider(lets pretend she’ll read this since i’m all riled up about her tonight)
Why dont the seemingly all powerful EVIL(as in, they tend to ignore rules and shit) EVER go after Harry in the summer holidays?
I mean…seriously. OldmanHound has the the right idea in this when he turns up at the house at the beginning. clearly, these people know where harry lives, i mean that rat knows rupert knows where harry lives, so presumably can tell ralph fienessemort or who ever, or hell, since they all have MAGICAL POWERS, how hiding him in a quiet british suburb kept him safe i’ll never ever fucking know.
seriously harry keeps surviving these insipid plots because he’s in a school surrounded by more powerful wizards and witches who all conveniently provide him with the exact macguffin or skill to protect himself, why not, just once, go after him in fucking JUNE when all he has are his godawful aunt and uncle who’ll probably wrap him up in a BOW for any one who wants to kill the holy fuck out of him.
honestly, there’s seems to be incredibly limited contact between harry and say DUMBLEDORE(you know, the one wizard powerful enough to have actually really helped out if he didnt keep getting dragged off at the last minute thus enabling a fortythousand page climax as oppose to a single page one[picture it 'then, as things looked their worst and harry was sure that he was going to die....dumbledore turned up and with a flick of his wand, killed the fuck out of that douche voldemort, all his followers and used his godlike powers to eradicate the wizarding world of all evil thereby preventing these decades of fear and darkness from ever repeating themselves' see how much easier that is??] ), during the summer,so it wouldnt be like anyone of importance would even know he was dead for at least a few weeks or months!!!
If Voldemort and his followers are so evil and all reaching, they couldnt have dispatched one of them to go and zzzap the kid in the garden?
Or, even better, hire a human hitman to stab the fucker in the street therefore not immediately dropping themselves in trouble since in this day and age kids unfortunately get stabbed in the street all the time for no good reason and often without anyone ever being charged.
Hell, you wouldnt even need a human hitman to do it! a wizard could!!!they’re WIZARDS, im sure they have some knives lying around, or dudes, by a fucking gun already!!seriously!!stop this ‘giant plan to take over the world and kill that potter kid at long last’ just kill the single being on earth who can prevent your plan when he’s not under the protection of a bunch of demi gods!!!!!!!
stupid fucking JK!!!!
April 20th, 2008 at 4:52 pmSeriously that fucking annoys me as well, how the hell can the most dangerous wizard in the world come up with so many different ways to catch Harry Potter but can’t kill him. Every time it’s ‘Deux Ex Machina’ to the rescue, I mean it isn’t that Harry’s friends help him, I mean if Hermiones such a great wizard then why does she never do any useful spells for christs sake, instead a fucking Machina has to do the job. I swear in a couple of years JK is gonna break her oath that she would (thankfully) never make another Harry Potter, just so she can sate her addiction to ‘machinas’ by calling it ‘Harry Potter and the Machina’. Fuck. I hate Rowling, she has ruined the literature of britain by making every one think that they can write a novel, for example god damn Eragon that was written by a thirteen year old. Her books only sold so many because they got the ’smarties’ award, who the takes the literary opinion of FUCKING SWEETS SERIOUSLY! And now she’s richer than the fucking queen, Tolkien never achieved that and he wrote one of the greatest stories the world has ever seen, Micheal Crichton wrote loads of brilliant novels, including ‘Jurassic Park’ which you can actually make a good movie out of. ‘Artemis Fowl’ was one of those books that came out after the ‘Potter ‘pocalypse’ and is so much better than potter. It actually got a literary award, NOT A FUCKING SWEETS AWARD!!!!!!
May 11th, 2008 at 2:09 pmAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!
Sorry about that everyone who reads this and sorry about the length of this comment but I had to vent. Usually when I say how bad potter is people just say I’m jealous. That makes me so angry I want to bite their nose off like penguin in the ‘Batman Returns’ movie.
Thanks for listening you gracious people.
I know it’s been mentioned, and no one seems to read those comments, instead they sit around and suck eachother’s dicks, bashing the movie, you too Rod.
The time traveling can’t have been used so far back, even if it could go back, paradox ftw. If they went back and saved Harry’s parents, then what would happen to everything past that point? It’d change completely, not to mention that Harry and Hermione will have had no reason to go back in time to save Harry’s parents, so they would’ve never gone back, and Harry’ parents wouldn’t have been saved even though they were saved, and the universe explodes.
Otherwise, great script.
June 7th, 2008 at 4:34 pm“Why dont the seemingly all powerful EVIL(as in, they tend to ignore rules and shit) EVER go after Harry in the summer holidays?” -nadine
So, you’ve never actually read the books, have you? Pretty sure that’s explained pretty clearly at the end of the 5th book (and movie).
June 22nd, 2008 at 11:22 amChorniyVolk – “The time traveling can’t have been used so far back, even if it could go back, paradox ftw. If they went back and saved Harry’s parents, then what would happen to everything past that point? It’d change completely, not to mention that Harry and Hermione will have had no reason to go back in time to save Harry’s parents, so they would’ve never gone back, and Harry’ parents wouldn’t have been saved even though they were saved, and the universe explodes.”
[facepalm.jpg]
July 1st, 2008 at 12:29 amYou do realize that you could use that same argument to dismiss how they used time travelling in the movie, right? And not only that, but that there is a joke about it in the freakin’ script you just read?
It’s like you got the right idea but it was to big to grasp, much like a dog trying to grab a basketball.
Oh yeah Matt P, isn’t it that stupid illusion thing. Yeah because wizards have the power to make cartain locations vanish off the face of the earth, so all the dark wizards would have to do is look for the spot where there seems to be a whole in the fabric of time and space. I think Nadine’s right on the money, Harry Potter blows.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:18 amSpellmage Says:
“Oh yeah Matt P, isn’t it that stupid illusion thing. Yeah because wizards have the power to make cartain locations vanish off the face of the earth, so all the dark wizards would have to do is look for the spot where there seems to be a whole in the fabric of time and space. I think Nadine’s right on the money, Harry Potter blows.”
No it’s not that illusion thing, it’s actually a charm that was put in place by the sacrifice of Harry’s mother…something bloody complicated like that.
The movies make absolutely no sense without the books. With the books, they _mostly_ make sense and are tolerable. Without, they suck.
July 30th, 2008 at 11:14 amSpellmage Says:
I hate Rowling, she has ruined the literature of britain by making every one think that they can write a novel, for example god damn Eragon that was written by a thirteen year old. Her books only sold so many because they got the ’smarties’ award, who the takes the literary opinion of FUCKING SWEETS SERIOUSLY! And now she’s richer than the fucking queen, Tolkien never achieved that and he wrote one of the greatest stories the world has ever seen, Micheal Crichton wrote loads of brilliant novels, including ‘Jurassic Park’ which you can actually make a good movie out of. ‘Artemis Fowl’ was one of those books that came out after the ‘Potter ‘pocalypse’ and is so much better than potter. It actually got a literary award, NOT A FUCKING SWEETS AWARD!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!
All right, someone else who likes Micheal Crichton, you ever watch The Andromeda Strain and The Terminal Man? I have to say that even though they were kind of boring (you know since I’m used to fucking watching Die Hard esk movies) they were still really good adaptations of the novels. Also, I never knew about that Smarties thing, now I hate that bitch even more, in fact after book 5 and her beating around the bush and deciding to start a family and not finish the fucking series for another fucking 6 years pissed the hell out of me and made me hate her even more. How the fuck did she get such a huge fan base I want to know since she is fucking ridiculous.
September 30th, 2008 at 11:28 pmJosh Says:
Come on Sofie, the series is full of Deus ex Machina; as a matter of fact isn’t that how the series ends?
Heh heh, Josh go read my rant in Chamber of Secrets, you’ll love me because it’s true (the whole ending of the series being a Dues ex Machina thing)
I’m surprised Rod didn’t mention the stupid fucking Whomping Willow, that for some reason deserved to be in the movie what 3 more times than ever necessary?
October 17th, 2008 at 8:14 pmthis is great
i almost died when i read “aunt bitchface”
i laughed the whole way through
February 11th, 2009 at 5:41 pm“nadine Says:
Here’s a thought, JK, just, to consider(lets pretend she’ll read this since i’m all riled up about her tonight)
Why dont the seemingly all powerful EVIL(as in, they tend to ignore rules and shit) EVER go after Harry in the summer holidays?”
Because Harry’s location is obscured from them by magic until he’s 17.
February 13th, 2009 at 4:48 amMandible claw, did you not just read the comments I made afterwards. It points out how Harry Potter is hidden due to that trick, which is an absolute fucking cop out. Magic itself is a complete fucking copout, whenever something happens that doesn’t make sense or fit the mythology, she can just go ‘magic’ and everybody believes it like gullible sheep. An unbelievably bullshitty answer, this woman should never be able to write again. Somebody chop her thumbs off or something, whatever it takes to stop that woman from writing these increasingly shitty books.
March 31st, 2009 at 5:46 amSpellimage, you're a dumb cunt.
August 10th, 2009 at 7:30 amI agree with asdf. The exact scenario in the 6th comment gets played out in Deathly Hallows. It's not until you've been teleported in that you'll become aware of it. There are other charms that surround Hogwarts which make it concealed, charms that cause the seeker to forget what they are seaching for. It's all there in the books (eventually). As the bad guys are prejudiced against people with no wizarding power, and killing them for giggles is their whole MO, they would not compromise to hire a Muggle hitman to finish Potter off.
August 20th, 2009 at 8:20 pmWhat about a Muggle Search Engine? Harry went to normal school before his 11th birthday, and the government finds loads of people with less information than 11 years of school records. And if Harry has "magic protection, " I think nadine's idea of hiring a muggle hitman would work great, let's see "priori incantatem" stops a knife from stabbing into him. Voldy just needed to give up the magic aspect and use what everyone from James Bond to MacGuyver has been using to achieve their goals.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:47 pmI don't mind that the author and the commenters are wrong about Harry leaving his aunt and uncle's house… It isn't explained in the movies, just the books.
BUT CAN YOU ALL PLEASE FUCKING LEARN WHAT "DEUS EX MACHINA" ACTUALLY MEANS?!
A main character saving another main character's life isn't a deus ex machina. This review was just pants-shittingly retarded.
September 16th, 2009 at 6:08 pmGreat script. For anyone who doesnt know. Voldemort nor any of his deatheaters can touch harry during the summer when he is at his Uncles because of a spell that Dumbledore cast on their house. Harry cant be touched by evil forces while he can call the Dursleys house "his home". That was revealed in book 6, but not in the movie. the spell will break when he turns 17 (next movie). JK rowling rocks, David Yates sucks.
October 13th, 2009 at 3:53 pmSo why can't Dumbledore cast a spell on Hogwarts so that Harry can't be touched by evil forces as long as he can call Hogwarts "his school"? Then just never let the shit graduate, or make him a professor.
Sounds like the books are just as stupid as the movies.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:04 pmHa! "These novels are awful; I can't wait for the next one."
Aces High, you just might be the master of unintentional comedy.
October 28th, 2009 at 7:32 pmIn some ways, they're stupider. Many of us remember patiently slogging through hundreds of pages of "walking through the forest" in Lord of the Rings, confident that the character interactions would reward us. Deathly Hallows, one of the shorter books, is padded by about one hundred pages of Harry and his shadows "walking through the forest," and the climactic battle for the castle loses its flow several times as adults pointedly call each other by their first names, only because they never came up in the previous six names.
October 28th, 2009 at 7:52 pmThe books also feature a lot more domestic abuse, which makes Harry's totally normal personality even more incomprehensible. Then again, a strange man kidnaps him and tells him "you'll be safe with your own kind," and Harry gladly embraces a child cult. Maybe the entire series is just a psychotic fantasy played out in Harry's head as dehydration overtakes him in the cupboard under the stairs.
Guys, guys, we can bash movies for numerous things all day. But seriously, no one is taking into account that it is a fucking movie, if it would be accurate ass hell on every detail it probably wouldn't be entertaining. However good movies exists and thats because brilliant people were involved making them, but i bet it's still not easy making movies or writing books. I can guarantee no one here can go from idea to finished product and still have no one bashing the shit out of it! Bashing is fun, but use your brains people and let yourself be entertained. Positive energy > negative enery ;)
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:26 pmHonestly, a lot of people don't understand the concept of the time machine. If you think about it enough, you will realize that you cannot change the past in a way that will affect the present. For example, if you killed your past self, there will be no you, then since there is no you, you won't kill you, then therefore you exist again, then you can kill yourself…
December 10th, 2009 at 12:28 pmSixth book.
December 27th, 2009 at 2:47 pm“Trent Reznor, protecting children from sunlight.”
You did not!
January 3rd, 2010 at 1:49 amFunny you should mention that. My dog actually can grab a basketball; it;s the only thing she'll fetch. Just wanted to mention that.
February 25th, 2010 at 5:22 amRegarding Rod’s Q in 76. The spell that Dumbledore cast on the house involved- as long as Harry lives with his mother’s blood relative, the power of his mother’s great sacrifice(dying for him) will protect him until the day he turned 17. So, short of moving Petunia to Hogwarts… Anyway, the movies sucked, your scripts are great, and I’m a day late and a dollar short on this post. And oh yea, you’re right-without reading the books no one would understand the movies. Maybe a hundred years from now, another Peter Jackson would come along and make 7, 4 hours long, movies that geeks like me would sit down and marathoned them like I do now with the 3 LOTR.
April 18th, 2010 at 1:36 pm