WORLD WAR Z
The Abridged Script
A NEWS MONTAGE hints at the coming ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE while also introducing the soundtrack by MUSE, painstakingly crafted by playing the final track of the 2ND LAW album over and over and over again.
INT. BRAD PITT'S HOUSE
BRAD prepares for his normal, routine day with his wife MIREILLE ENOS.
Wait a sec... so the zombie apocalypse hasn't happened yet? Isn't the whole book set AFTER the...
It is. But the guys adapting it got stuck on the front cover, so congrats, you're starring in a summer blockbuster based on a title.
And I see we have two adorable little escort missions, er I mean, daughters. Can't wait to holler your names through panicked crowds later.
Any reason there couldn't just be one of you?
EXT. CITY STREET
The BRADMILY is stuck in traffic.
I swear, if is this is another one of those make-work construction projects I'm gonna...
AW GAWD ZOMBIES EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIVES!!!!
That's a relief. Looks like we're getting straight to the action! Buckle up kids, this is gonna be zombie carnage on a scale never seen before. We're talking GLOBAL amounts of gore and evisceration that...
Er, don't forget that this movie is, itself, ALSO single-mindedly bent on achieving worldwide saturation.
Huh? Why would that matter...
The ZOMBIE HORDE arrives!!
LIMBS and SEVERED HEADS and BLOOD and ENTRAILS fly in all directions as There is lots of censor-friendly SCREAMING and RUNNING AROUND in a SUITABLE FOR MASS MARKET fashion!
I see your point. Well, an undead plague sanitized for international consumption is still an undead plague, I guess. Let's go!!
The BRADMILY makes a run for it! BRAD uses his SOUND MIXING powers to focus in on ONE SPECIFIC VICTIM.
Based on a sample size of that one guy, I now know for a fact that it takes exactly 12 seconds to become a zombie. Although since he started convulsing and howling after about two seconds, I could probably mark that down under "right away".
They corral an RV and make a GETAWAY, but one of the DAUGHTERS
turns out to have been BITTEN, forcing BRAD to make an unthinkable choice while raising the emotional stakes to intense heights of has an ASTHMA ATTACK! They park outside a PHARMACY.
BRAD finds the HELPFUL GUN-TOTING PHARMACIST section and gets the asthma meds! Unfortunately MIREILLE takes a wrong turn into the SEXUAL ASSAULT AISLE requiring another DRAMATIC ESCAPE!
Aw fuck those fucking cockfucking cuntfuckers stole our fucking Dangit, the RV's been stolen, with all our gear!
At least I found us some flares during the ten seconds I wasn't busy fighting off gang rapists.
Seriously?! Wow, you're every bit as cool-headed and resourceful as me, if not more. Too bad that was your last positive contribution to this entire story.
They duck into an APARTMENT BUILDING and are taken in by a HISPANIC FAMILY.
I feel a strange paternal instinct towards this child from another culture. Remember kid, movement is life. Staying put is death.
You mean like the scientists at the end who go nowhere and are fine? Or the soldiers in Korea who are fine until they try to help you go somewhere?
No more lines for you.
INT. APARTMENT TOWER - THE NEXT MORNING
We need to get to the roof. I called my U.N. buddy Fana Mokoena and he's sending a helicopter to come get us.
Are you sure we should risk it? What if they don't make it, or aren't really coming at all, and we get trapped up there? We'd be doomed.
There's no other choice. It's a huge gamble but we have to take a leap of faith, which will also ratchet up the suspense as...
WOO-HOO BRAD RESCUE IS UNDERWAAAY!!
Suspense element targeted, locked and destroyed!! OO-RAH!!
Everyone heads up the STAIRS but then ZOMBIES AIIEEEE STAIRS RUSH ARRRGH BRAD DAUGHTER RUN ENOS LOOK OUT FLARE MIREILLE RAAAARRRGH SCREAM CRASH KEEP GOING HISPANIC AIIEEEE PITT ZOMBIES NOOOO FIGHT CHOMP ARRRRGH
The BRADMILY arrives on the roof!
fuck cow what just happened?!
I think I maybe got bit by a zombie. Or we might have made a baby, it was really unclear.
Anyway I'll use the 12-second rule to make sure I won't turn, starting now, even though way more than 12 seconds have already passed.
Just then the HELICOPTER arrives in the FOREGROUND in 3D!
Quick, even though you could all easily be infected, please pile aboard our chopper!
Hey, you're Matthew Fox. Why are you Matthew Fox?
EXT. AMERICAN NAVAL FLEET
The HELICOPTER hovers in the FOREGROUND in 3D as the BRADMILY is greeted by FANA MOKOENA.
Fana, I'm so happy we got out, let me rush towards you and plant my mouth on your head, surely the smartest thing to do when surrounded by armed soliders freaking out about zombies!
Oh that's okay, after all, the incubation time is different for different people so you could still turn any second now.
Yeah, we realized that if everyone followed the 12-second rule there was no way in hell the virus could get across the ocean, and we'd have no movie.
Well, I will continue to use the 12-second rule, and because I am the star it will always be right.
It's not like we're going to take any precautions anyway. So as you've perhaps guessed, the zombies are everywhere on Earth and the human race is in danger of extinction. Civilization as we know it has ended. Did you want to pause and react in any way to this devastating news?
Not really. I figure I'll save my big emotional moment for when somebody the audience cares about gets zombified...
Huh, that never happens. So what's the plan?
We need you to go to South Korea, because we found an email there that mentioned zombies and it is the only email in existence to ever do that. Then, since we threw away the original story, you'll be going to a variety of global locations until imminent catastrophe forces you to rush to the plane taking off just in the nick of time, which gets you to the next location, and so on... basically "2012" except with zombies instead of natural disasters. "Z01Z", if you will.
What if I told you I'd rather stay here to protect my family, surrounded by battleships and soldiers, rather than go help thwart the zombie plague and save humanity, which includes my family?
Right, like you'd agree to play a lead character so selfish and cowardly. That's a good one! Now let's get you a fresh scarf.
The PLANE HOVERS in the FOREGROUND in 3D as it takes BRAD, a SCIENTIST, and some UN SOLDIERS to KOREA.
I believe the zombie plague came from natural causes. But there's a thing about Nature.
Sometimes, what you think is its greatest strength, is ACTUALLY its greatest weakness.
Which in this case means what? We'll turn its astonishing virulence, exponential rate of growth, and near-invulnerability against it?
Well no, what we'll really do is exploit a secondary characteristic to our advantage.
"It's not a bug, it's a feature."
Exactly. But when you eventually figure it out, be sure to use my "strength/weakness" line, it sounds more impressive that way.
EXT. LANDING STRIP - KOREA
The PLANE LANDS in the FOREGROUND in 3D but ZOMBIES attack! The SCIENTIST trips and
TOTALLY BLOWS HIS OWN BRAINS OUT IN A SPLATTER OF BLOODY SKULL it is STRONGLY IMPLIED that something VERY BAD HAPPENS TO HIM! BRAD and the UN SOLDIERS reach the US BASE.
OOO-RAH!! WE FUCK UP ZEKES WHO WANNA FUCK US UP, WE FUCK THEM RIGHT IN THE ZOMBIE TWAT Golly, welcome aboard, Brad! We sure hope we can be helpful.
Me too, since the one guy who knew anything is now dead.
Oh. Then we've got nothing.
Nothing at all?
Okay, we have one CIA dude who says he has critical information about the zombies. But THAT'S IT.
They take him to see DAVID MORSE who has gone CRAY CRAY.
So two years ago, Jerusalem built a giant honkin wall around itself that is visible from space.
Oh my God, that is EXACTLY the kind of thing that would never be noticed by every news channel and government on Earth, and I could only learn from a deranged spy!! This must be crucially important, I've gotta get back to my plane.
All right. Since the Zekes are drawn by sound, we'll use creaky old bicycles to take a path ten times as long as we took before.
This is the best possible time to leave my phone on!
Sure enough the phone RINGS halfway there! ZOMBIES attack, but BRAD and a DIFFERENT SOLDIER make it to the plane and TAKE OFF!
Mireille, was that you calling me just now?
Yeah, I got bored with being written out of the movie. Thought we could chat.
Well since I'm busy being dropped into various zombie-infested locations, how about from now on DO NOT CALL ME I WILL CALL YOU.
A HELICOPTER hovers in the FOREGROUND in 3D as BRAD lands and meets Israeli soldier DANIELLA KERTESZ.
Welcome. As you see, we built an enormous anti-zombie wall all the way around the city, with a nice smooth top just in case they ever reach it.
And all the time you've had this, it never struck you to add spikes or barbed wire to the top, or to have guards there, or use any of the other hundreds-of-years-old techniques that exist to stop people from going over walls?
Nope. But we DO have mesh tunnels to let tons more humans inside, because we have limitless food and water and space.
However somebody sets up a LOUDSPEAKER which suddenly makes the CITY CRAMMED WITH HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE just that extra little bit TOO NOISY!!
Yoiks, the zombies are cresting the wall! But you must have a fallback position, or a Plan B, or something, right?
Nope, we are now
completely monkeyfucked in a spot of bother.
I guess it's run-to-the-plane time again!
They RUN but DANIELLA gets bit in the hand!
Don't worry, I saw this on Walking Dead!
TOTALLY CHOPS OFF DANIELLA'S HAND AND THE EXPOSED STUMP SPRAYS BLOOD EVERYWHERE makes a THWACKING SOUND and now DANIELLA'S HAND is missing!
AIEEEE! I know it's tradition for zombie-movie characters to shrug off severed limbs like paper cuts, but I think I'll buck tradition and actually go into shock for a while.
Can't you grow a new hand or shoot guns with your feet or something?
Look, Sandler's "Zohan" movie was not entirely accurate, okay? Let's get to your plane and...
FUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Sorry, can't wait. Best of luck though!
Instead BRAD and DANIELLA get to a PASSENGER JET which has been patiently waiting to be allowed to taxi out of the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. As they TAKE OFF, BRAD uses his MONTAGE POWERS to come to an IMPORTANT REALIZATION! He calls MIREILLE.
Mireille, quick, put Fana on before you accidentally participate in this scene!
Okay, I'm here. What's going on?
Listen to me there's NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! NONE AT ALL!! Okay in that time I could have said "the zombies ignore fatally diseased people" but THERE'S NO TIME!! TELL THE PILOT WHERE THE CLOSEST W.H.O. BASE IS and I could have told you my theory a second time by now!
Okay, that's taken care of. So what's the theory about saving everyone and hello? Hello?
They FLY in the FOREGROUND in 3D for a while.
Thought I heard something... hm, it sounds like screaming and panic on the other side of that curtain. I wonder what it could possibly be. Let's have a look.
SHIT FUCK Oh geez guys, there's zombies on the plane! Quick, stack some luggage here, that way when the zombies burst through you can be pinned down by zombies AND luggage!
The luggage plan EPIC FAILS just about as spectacularly as you'd expect. Luckily BRAD'S CARRY-ON LUGGAGE is a GRENADE and he uses it to BLOW THE PLANE IN HALF!
EXT. IRELAND - IN A TREE
Hrnn... I'm alive! But arrgh,
my left arm is a mangled pulp of exposed sinew and I have the obligatory nonlethal Shrapnel-Through-The-Torso.™ I sure hope Daniella is miraculously okay.
BRAD uses his INTERNAL GPS POWERS to find the WHO LAB but the effort causes him to PASS OUT.
INT. WHO LABORATORIES
BRAD wakes up strapped to a TABLE and surrounded by suspicious doctors PETER CAPALDI, PIERFRANCESCO FAVINO, and RUTH NEGGA who is a living testament to the importance of proofreading.
Hee hee, we're all credited as "WHO Doctor", which is like Doctor Who backwards. Hee hee.
Quiet, Peter. We have to be hugely suspicious of Brad, even though his companion is awake and should have explained everything to us already.
Yes, we suspect you, Brad! Witness my cold glare of suspicion!
Shut up and give me my phone!
Uh no, it's me. I made the crazy decision that if you could call only one person, it should be the guy who sent you to retrieve information crucial to the survival of all humans. I've moved your family to a secure location in Nova Scotia.
Secure? You don't think Nova Scotia is an island do you? Because it's not, although it IS right next to Newfoundland and Prince Edward ISLAND, which guess what, are ISLANDS. Anyway with the last ounce of battery please tell these guys who I am, instead of me telling you my theory to save everyone.
And the phone's dead. So what is this goddamn theory?
If we give ourselves deadly diseases, the zombies will avoid us. It'll be... camouflage. That's a brand new word I just made up.
Good idea. Thing is, the way to our deadly-virus room is full of zombies. We should figure out a way to broadcast this idea so that another WHO lab can...
NO NO NO ONLY WE MUST TEST THIS THEORY!!! We have to distract the audience from realizing that this whole trek around the globe didn't mean squat, and I could have solved everything by watching assorted surveillance footage from the safety of the original fleet!
Okay, geez. Have a crowbar.
They HEAD OUT, but ZOMBIES appear and EVERYONE WHO'S NOT BRAD TOTALLY BAILS. BRAD swings his CROWBAR which
CAVES IN A ZOMBIE'S SKULL makes a LOUD THUMP and a ZOMBIE falls down! ANOTHER ZOMBIE approaches him but the CROWBAR is CAUGHT IN AN EYESOCKET AND GRINDING THE ZOMBIE EYE TO JELLY AS BRAD FRANTICALLY PULLS AT IT mysteriously stuck on something out of frame! But it comes FREE just in time for BRAD to BRUTALLY DEMOLISH THE ZOMBIE'S FACE LIKE SO MUCH MOLDY RASPBERRY CHEESECAKE shame it into submission with a disapproving glare!
Dear God, this has to be the least bloody undead movie since The Omega Man.
BRAD uses his MAP SENSE +10 to find the VIRUS ROOM, which is locked with a KEYPAD. A nearby WALL-MOUNTED PHONE rings, confusing the hell out of everyone in the audience under 20.
Brad, it's me, I can see you on the security camera. The code is
Thanks. Hm, there's no possible way to press these tiny buttons one-by-one AND hold a crowbar, I mean I'm not MADE of hands. Better put the crowbar down.
And it's clearly beyond the limits of human endurance and ingenuity to take the crowbar inside the room with me, better leave it outside.
INT. BACK AT THE MONITOR ROOM
A HELICOPTER FLIES PAST in the FOREGROUND in 3D as the SCIENTISTS intently watch the monitors in the cramped monitor room.
Yay, Brad found the viruses! But oh crap, a zombie is outside the door now! He's trapped!
He's going to have to inject himself to escape, but he doesn't know which viruses we have cures for. How will he...
Wait, look! He found a pen and paper, and he's spotted the camera! Now I bet he's going to send us a message like "Ring the phone once for yes, twice for no" and start holding up vials...
No, he'll tell us to waggle the camera up/down or side/side.
Or by turning the camera on and off, we can make the red power light flash, and send messages that way! Maybe even do Morse code! Ooh, which one is he gonna pick... he's about to hold up the paper...
aw fuck, oh look, "TELL MY FAMILY I LOVE THEM" ?!? Seriously?!!??! What kind of lame-ass bullshit is that!!. How touching!
Way to go, DOUCHEBAG! It's just so noble.
My GOD what a fucking idiot is this guy!! I'm touched.
Now I hope he picks the fucking ebola virus. Or at least something that makes him shit himself. Fucking assclown. Truly he is the best of us.
BRAD injects a DEADLY VIRUS into his arm, which successfully fools the ZOMBIE and makes JENNIFER ANISTON wonder if maybe those post-hypnotic suggestions worked after all.
Phew, I've avoided horrible zombie death. Time for a refreshing Pepsi!
(drinks crisp, ice-cold Pepsi)
Pepsi, it's the choice of a NEW civilization. In fact, everyone have some delicious Pepsi!
ARRRRGH THE ONLY THING WE LOVE MORE THAN BRAINSSS IS PEPSSSSSI
Good job, Brad. I'd ask how
the fuck we get out of here, but we only have twenty seconds left to end the movie. So you chose the right vial and I go home and you get to Nova Scotia where your family is safe but Mireille is fucking Matthew Fox now, remember him? and everything's fine the fight goes on hope survives etcetera etcetera the end.
Hooray! Wait, what?
Alex W. just so happens to share the exact same genetic code as the patriarch of an alien interstellar corporation, which is invaluable for his daytime sewer maintenance job. He usually watches movies with his wife Barbara, the funniest person he knows and the source of many of his best jokes. If you're only reading this to find the Fourth Clue of Zabador, here it is: MAGNET