The Abridged Script
INT. DARK, GRITTY-LOOKING OFFICE
EDWARD NORTON is yet another protaganist that works in an office. His face is not yet destroyed.
God I hate life. I can't sleep or eat or fuck or anything.
EDWARD goes to some support groups.
INT. DARK, GRITTY-LOOKING SUPPORT GROUP
He meets MEAT LOAF.
Nice tits, Loaf.
Dammit, this appearance was a mistake. Now people are not going to take me seriously as an actor or musician. Er, wait..
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
I'm horny. And majorly fucked up in the head.
We're perfect for each other.
INT. DARK, GRITTY-LOOKING ABANDONED HOUSE OF BRAD PITT
I hate being simply a consumer. I feel like revolting against my role.
Let's smoke a shitload of pot.
I just did that when I revolted against my role. Pick something else.
Wait, I have an idea.
BRAD kicks EDWARD in the nuts.
THAT WAS FUCKING GREAT!
They beat the holy hell out of each other. Others join in. The AUDIENCE is drenched with testosterone.
HELL YES! FUCKIN RIGHT! VIOLENCE! BLOOD! GOD DAMN YES!!!
BRAD PITT starts FUCKING THE HELL out of HELENA!
GOD FUCKING HELL YEAH!!!
(tears apart clothes)
DIRECTOR DAVID FINCHER
Wait wait, notice the subtle dark satire. I'm cleverly showing that consumerism and conformit--
SHUT UP!! ROARR!!
(rips Fincher in half)
WHERE ARE SOME FUCKING GUNS?! I WANNA JOIN A FIGHT CLUB RIGHT FUCKING NOW! WHERE DO I SIGN UP AND HOW MUCH DOES IT COST?!
You people are totally missing the point here.
And it's a damn good thing, too. You think this movie had any shot at being number one without featuring my abs and massive amounts of violence?
He smacks PITT in the face.
Time to Beat Joe Black...
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Wait! It's been a while since a female of any sort has had any screen time. Here I am.
Oh, hey. I guess I could empty my cum into you. Need to unload somewhere...
Lemme put my sex into her once yer done.
FUCKING happens. HELENA, having performed her duty as the sex trash-can, leaves. The fighting continues.
SUDDENLY, something happens which makes the AUDIENCE need to rethink the entire film.
Wait a minute..shit, now I have to see the movie a second time.
FINCHER'S UPPER BODY
Yes, yes, see it again. Spend, spend, spend! Ha ha ha!
Rod has been an author at The Editing Room for 17 years. You can support Rod and the rest of the site on Patreon.
Rod is the founder of The Editing Room, having started the web site in 1998 after seeing "Godzilla" and being compelled to express his hatred. He's written the lion's share of Abridged Scripts on the site, many of which have appeared in Total Film magazine and Cracked.com