The Abridged Script
EXT. COUNTY FAIR
MICHAEL CHIKLIS and his CRIMINAL GANG arrive from a DELETED SCENE where they robbed a HALLOWE'EN COSTUME WAREHOUSE CLEARANCE SALE.
CLIFTON COLLINS JR.
Remind me why we had to dress up as clowns? Jason got a cool priest outfit.
Because, numbskull, we need balloons for the plan, and some normally dressed guy holding balloons at a county fair would look REALLY out of place. As shifty-looking clowns, though, we'll be practically invisible.
It's time. Let the balloons go, as per our secret signal!
MICAH A. HAUPTMAN
Our secret signal is releasing a small bunch of helium balloons? Well it's not like kids at fairs do that all the time, oh wait YES IT IS. What came second in the "secret-signal" voting, a jock carrying a giant stuffed animal for his girlfriend?
EXT. COUNTY FAIR - MAIN OFFICE
JASON STATHAM, looking all JASON PRIESTLY, knocks on the door. A GUARD answers.
Who are hell are you?
Glad you asked. I'm a wandering painter who uses my craft to deal with the numerous profound tragedies in my life. In particular I concentrate on capturing the elusive quality of light as it plays on various objects, though what my quest REALLY teaches me is that the most elusive light of all... is from the heart. Jason Statham stars in "Heartlight", in theatres this Easter.
Er, okay... actually, I'm discredited astrophysicist Vance Noggin, whose remarkable mental talents were augmented by a freak chemical accident! Now I can perform astonishing feats of calculation which I'm using to unravel a vast global conspiracy of Vatican-mafia data smugglers. This summer, be sure to use your "Noggin"!
Fine, I'm a ruthless criminal-for-hire with an impossibly strict personal moral code, which if crossed provides all the pretext necessary for two hours of bone-crunching action.
From the future?
...not from the future.
OH SHIT GUYS IT'S RUTHLESS BONE-CRUNCHING CRIMINAL-FOR-HIRE JASON STATHAM!! WE'RE IN FOR IT NOW!!!
It's okay, I'm only here for the money. No harm will come to you.
Except for the psychological scarring of fearing for my life, and then probably losing my job. At least I'll have the satisfaction of reporting your ass to the police, along with a full description...
Actually no you won't. At this very moment, my supernatural glamour is hopelessly enthralling you to my rugged bald manliness, so you'll be powerless to act against me. Consider yourself Renfield to my Dracula.
(builds shrine to Jason)
The GANG steals the MONEY, then cram themselves into a SINGLE SUV and TAKE OFF!
INT. SUV BARRELING DOWN HIGHWAY
I agree the clown costumes were a nice touch, but all of us stuffed into one car seems like pushing it a bit. There's barely enough room to pull your inevitable double-cross.
True, we could have confronted you either before or after travelling at high speed in a tight, confined space, but then we thought, fuck that.
MICHAEL draws his GUN and SHOOTS JASON TWICE AT POINT BLANK RANGE which achieves roughly three-fifths of JACK SHIT. JASON KICKS and PUNCHES and LEAPS his way out of the SPEEDING SUV before realizing that dodging the GROUND is a wee bit tricky even for him.
(slamming into Jason Statham)
That pulverizing impact stunned him slightly! Quick, Micah, shoot him some more!
MICAH A. HAUPTMAN goes over and SHOOTS JASON AT EVEN MORE POINT BLANK RANGE while JASON uses his cunning strategy of it BEING THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE to not die. The GANG drive off, evilly!
JASON lies in a hospital bed being watched by an ELDERLY PATIENT with a TRACHEOTOMY.
A rejected Duck Dynasty spin-off family found you and brought you here. Luckily whoever shot you was using exposition bullets, so instead of losing blood you gained motivation.
Right, time to be going. You don't mind helping me, I hope?
JASON escapes the HOSPITAL and STEALS A CAR!
CUE: JASON STATHAM CAR-STEALING THEME
Ah, the trademark Stathamesque hospital-gown escape NEVER gets old. Off we go!
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE
JASON makes contact with voicebox-shredding enthusiast NICK NOLTE.
Dammit Nick, you said Chiklis and his gang were cool! Super cool! Fantastic, even!
(gargling hydrochloric acid)
Different gang. THIS gang turns out to be connected to every major crime syndicate in America. My bad.
Well, the fact that they think I'm dead means I have an opportunity to take revenge. I'll start by beating people up for information, which has the added benefit of brazenly announcing to the crime world that I'm still alive.
JASON goes to a BAR and JASON STATHAMS a guy into squealing that MICHAEL CHIKLIS is in PALM BEACH. Then he STEALS A CAR!!!
CUE: "JASON STATHAM IS DAMN WELL TAKING YOUR CAR SO SHUT UP AND LIKE IT" THEME
INT. BACK AT THE HOUSE
The PHONE rings.
Emma, would you get that? These clumps of rusted nails glued together aren't going to chug themselves.
Jason Statham Supporting Characters Residence, how may I help you?
Hey, baby. I just roughed up a Mob guy, putting both of you in terrible danger. You need to leave.
Thanks. Um, ever consider warning us first, THEN creating the terrible danger?
Not even for a second.
NICK NOLTE heroically TAKES RIGHT THE FUCK OFF leaving EMMA to match wits with a MOB ASSASSIN, who luckily has the brainpower of a WHEEL OF CHEESE. EMMA escapes!
INT. CRIMINAL OFFICE
JASON visits notorious counterfeiter CARLOS CARRASCO.
Hey Carlos. I need some false papers for my new cover identity.
Why bother? Apparently Parker is so famous that every criminal alive knows you by sight. Tell you what, here's a passport for Parky P. Parkerface, that'll be $3,000.
JASON decides instead to JASON STATHAM some PAPERS out of CARLOS, then STEALS A CAR!!
CUE: "WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A CAR, OR NOT GET YOUR LUNGS PULVERIZED BY JASON STATHAM? YEAH, THOUGHT SO" THEME
EXT. GRAVEL PIT
(jamming razor wire down throat)
I don't think you should go through with this, Jason. Just let it go.
They broke the rules, Nick. There's got to be rules, or you get chaos. Nothing infuriates me more than chaos!!
(furiously sucking back gravel)
This from the guy who breaks nine laws before breakfast? Are you for real?
Yeah, I checked the script twice. Apparently as far as I'm concerned, crime is cool, but chaos can suck donkey dick. Also I love coffee but hate java, and enjoy July but not August.
(fellating operational weed-whacker)
Ooh, ooh, I know! You hate words with the letter "A" in them! So since I solved it, will you quit now?
JASON, undeterred, stoically walks off, resolute in his quest for revenge and then STEALS A CAR!!!
CUE: "JASON STATHAM IS TAKING YOUR CURRENT CAR, EVERY CAR YOU'VE EVER HAD, AND EVERY FUTURE CAR YOU EVER WILL HAVE" THEME
INT. REAL ESTATE OFFICE - PALM BEACH
Struggling realtor JENNIFER LOPEZ is checking her email.
Aw man, those bastards are going to repossess my sweet Mazda CX-5 Crossover. I would do ANYTHING for the money to let me keep it.
That's it? Motivation established? So I'm Jack Burton with a Mazda, whatever.
I could steal somebody's client, but everyone here's just as bad off as me. If only there was some way to justify...
I'm such a bitch!
EXT. PALM BEACH
JENNIFER meets up with JASON STATHAM and his ENORMOUS NINETY-GALLON STETSON HAT that seems one swift nod away from SWALLOWING HIM WHOLE.
That's actually a pretty decent Texan accent. But given how you've been utterly not concealing yourself to this point, any real reason to start now?
Well, maybe to draw attention away from the fact that the next chunk of movie is going to revolve around the high-octane thrill-ride of real estate transactions.
Ha ha ha! Wait, seriously?
The book was written in the 50s, okay? Life was quieter then.
They DRIVE AROUND stockpiling footage for the next season of HGTV'S HOUSE HUNTERS and then find the CHIKLIS HOUSE.
Hm, I find that already occupied house totally uninteresting for no reason. I think I'll stop looking now, and buy the condo I'm already staying at. By the way, where's the nearest surveillance equipment store?
And aren't YOU just the fucking chameleon.
EXT. RIVERSIDE CABIN
EMMA BOOTH is busy not being EMMA STONE or EMMA ROBERTS when JASON arrives in broad daylight.
Hallo! Good job escaping and hiding yourself, Emma. I thought I'd pop round in case I'm being followed. You don't mind me compromising your safety, right?
If you're expecting a "Yes master", it ain't coming.
Whuh? Of course not, ha ha. Nookie time!
INT. CHIKLIS HOUSE
The all-dude CHICKLESS GANG prepares for their next job.
MICAH A. HAUPTMAN
Hey guys, I was just checking CriminalRevengeTracker.org and it says Jason is still alive!
Damn! All right everyone, keep an eye out for Jason's signature bald head. Man, I hope he hasn't come up with some devious way to conceal it from view, or we're in deep shit.
INT. JASON'S CONDO
JENNIFER shows up to confront JASON.
Look, I've figured out there's a Jason Statham movie going on, and I want in.
Strip down to your underwear, now.
What? Oh, you want to make sure I'm not wearing a wire. Fair enough.
Er, yeah, wires. That's it.
Right then, let's see that incredibly enormous bootie that was the only thing anyone could talk about for most of the 1990s... here it comes... oh wow, it's... it's human-sized. Huh. The way people used to go on and on, I was almost expecting it to be visible from space.
We didn't have Kim Kardashian back then. It was a different time.
EXT. PALM BEACH - THE NEXT DAY
JASON and JENNIFER tail MICHAEL CHIKLIS to an EXPENSIVE MANSION.
This must be where they're planning their next big heist. Especially since Michael is standing outside holding a giant sign that says "THIS IS MY NEXT BIG HEIST".
That ridiculous cowboy hat is staring right at me. If only I could see what was underneath it...
Eh, it's probably nothing.
INT. JASON'S CONDO
Lum tee tum. I wonder what that crime syndicate I pissed off is up to.
Suddenly he is ATTACKED by ASSASSIN GUY!!! They BEAT THE SNOT out of each other until finally JASON uses a NETI-POT to CLEAR HIS SINUSES and thus has NO MORE SNOT to be beaten out of him! With this newfound advantage (oh yeah, and a toilet-basin cover to the head) JASON WINS!
Whew, that was close. If that super-wealthy ultra-powerful organization had the budget to send TWO guys, though, I'd have been totally fucked.
SURPRISE! Crushing my skull into a pancake only stunned me! MY BRAIN IS LITERALLY A WHEEL OF CHEESE!!
The ASSASSIN stabs JASON RIGHT THROUGH THE FUCKING HAND!! But JASON throws him out the WINDOW where he PLUNGES TO HIS DEATH!
(colliding with object thrown by Jason Statham)
OW! Quit it!
INT. J-LO'S HOUSE
JENNIFER answers the door to find underdeveloped subplot BOBBY CANNAVALE.
Hi Jen! I heard there's a Jason Statham movie going on?
Sorry, no room. Goodbye.
JENNIFER goes round back and finds JASON being patched up by EMMA, and doted on by her MOM and DOG.
Please have some hot soup, Master.
WOOF WOOF HERE ARE YOUR SLIPPERS MASTER
Chrissake, Jason, you glamoured the whole house?
Sorry, no time to be subtle. I've got to get ready to stop The Big Heist. I figure all the tendons in my hand will be healed in, what, two hours?
EXT. THE BIG HEIST
The CHIKLIS GANG arrives in a FIRE ENGINE.
CLIFTON COLLINS JR.
I was thinking, maybe we should quit doing elaborate heists and just steal emergency vehicles full-time. After all, it seems we can do that utterly at will, and these babies are worth a lot of money. I drew up a list of potential buyers...
Shut it. Now listen, once we get the stuff, we'll escape out the back way and through the water. I've cleverly arranged for a diversion which will be also on the water, and on the same side of the house as us, because I do not understand what a "diversion" is.
MICAH A. HAUPTMAN
Well I wasn't expecting everything to go without a hitch. Things going wrong and plans being adjusted on the fly is how you create excitement in heist movies, right? We'll surely be doing some of that?
EXT. BACK AT THE CHIKLIS HOUSE
The CHIKLIS GANG returns to find...
Jennifer? What the heck are you doing here?
Oh, just trying to find a way to insert myself into the grand finale. Hostage, I guess?
CLIFTON COLLINS JR.
Come out and face us, Jason, we got J-Lo! You have no choice but to--
Ha ha, I came by earlier and planted weapons everywhere! And disabled most of YOUR weapons, knowing that you would never test them before a big heist. I was concerned that being the star of the movie might not be enough of an advantage.
Then I guess it's finally time for our climactic showd--
(is torn in half)
MICAH A. HAUPTMAN
You won't defeat ME so ea--
(crushed into singularity)
So, you have the stuff, and your revenge is complete. I guess this is goodbye.
Maybe between you and me, but not for Parker! There's a whole fuckton of these books you know. I was thinking this franchise could be my very own Jack Reacher.
Careful what you wish for.
JASON FENCES the STUFF and mails STACKS OF CASH to JENNIFER, the DUCK DYNASTY FAMILY, and EVERYBODY HE EVER STOLE A CAR FROM, leaving himself with a total haul of FOUR DOLLARS.
It was the principle.
Oh, and P.S. he totally punchkilled all those crime syndicates that were after him so he's fine. TUNE IN WEDNESDAYS AT 10 ON SHOWTIME FOR THE PARKER CHRONICLES STARRING BOBBY CANNAVALE!!