RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE
The Abridged Script
INT. HUGE CGI TECHNO-LAIR
RANDOM BAD GUYS
Mnyah ha ha, we are so invincible in our secret techno-lair. There is no way Milla Jovovich can get us.
Not so fast! As the several dozen people actually keeping track of this franchise's ongoing plot are aware, I have a clone army at my disposal! Now die!
MILLA and her CLONES begin KILLING BAD GUYS.
RANDOM BAD GUYS
Dammit, she's slicked her hair back and is wearing a continuous skintight outfit, thus creating a clean sillhouette and enabling the CGI renderers to digitally copy/paste her all over the goddamn place with utter abandon! Oh, and ARRRRRGHHH!!!!
NOT AGENT SMITH NOT FROM THE MATRIX
I won't be defeated so easily, Milla. Ha! I have jabbed you with a magical syringe that steals all those cool powers you got in Resident Evil: Extinction.
That's okay, nobody remembers what those were anyway. And even though you've allegedly made me a normal human now, I still have ridiculous strength, reflexes, and endurance. Allow me to demonstrate.
MILLA causes her and NOT AGENT SMITH to CRASH A PLANE against a SHEER MOUNTAIN FACE in an ENORMOUS FIREBALL OF DEATH after which she strolls off whistling merrily to herself while BUILDING A STONE HOUSE and KILLING A BEAR with her TEETH.
Sure does suck to be a normal human again.
Why the hell am I in Alaska?
To find me, it would seem. I forget, have I been in this franchise before?
Yeah, I think you were in the last one. So, welcome back, I guess.
Cool. Well, now that you've dragged the storyline all the way up here, let's drag it all the way back south again, using your tiny plane that couldn't possibly have one-tenth the fuel capacity necessary to do all this flying.
EXT. HUGE CGI DEVASTATED COASTAL CITY
MILLALI are flying over the CITY in pursuit of some RANDOM SIGNAL MACGUFFIN THING.
Look, there is an assortment of half-realized characters on that prison rooftop! We should help them!
The sensible thing to do would be to search for some larger craft, or maybe a helicopter, that could be useful. So instead I will crash-land on the roof.
She DOES SO. The PLANE almost FALLS OFF the EDGE of the BUILDING, but DOESN'T!
That was an excellent recreation of the similar scene from "Escape From New York", Milla, so ten out of ten for style, but minus several million points for good thinking, you know? And yes, I'm quoting the radio version of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" What, you'd prefer I say my actual shitty dialogue?
Look out, everyone! Zombies!
MILLA kills LOTS AND LOTS OF ZOMBIES, allowing the group to take refuge INSIDE.
INT. EMPTY OMINOUS PRISON
You guys had a great idea holing up in this prison. There's no way that the lack of any escape route could possibly come back to bite you in the ass.
Gosh, thanks, Milla! Allow me to introduce our group of eclectic character traits. For instance, over here we have a Spanish guy!
You know this is a Resident Evil movie, right? I wouldn't bother. Look, half of them have already been eaten by zombies.
(is eaten by zombie)
ARRRRRRGH!!!! Okay, I see your pointARRRGHGHGHHH!!!!!!!
And there's no escape route! Curse the luck!
Come with me, Millali! There's someone downstairs who can help us!
INT. PRISON BASEMENT
That is one impressive Hannibal-Lecter-style cage you've got here in this otherwise empty basement. I wonder who could possibly be imposing enough to warrant such a dramatic buildup.
(emerging from shadows)
Yes, it is I, Wentworth Miller, megastar of TV's "Prison Break" and... I guess that's it, unless you count that one early episode of "Buffy" Otherwise I've got exactly one claim to fame, and that's "Prison Break", which was pretty lame, but it's something. However, now it's time for a new chapter in my career! Time to move on from "Prison Break" and into bold, new territory that will really stretch my chops! What can I help you with?
We need you to help us break out of this prison.
(considers career options)
Okay, I'll do it.
MILLALI and WENTWORTH ESCAPE! Oh, and the others get eaten. They follow the MACGUFFIN SIGNAL to a BOAT.
INT. ANOTHER MASSIVE CGI LAIR THAT IS ROUGHLY 2,000 TIMES TOO BIG TO FIT INSIDE THE BOAT WHERE IT IS ALLEGEDLY LOCATED
NOT AGENT SMITH
So, you found me again, Milla!
Yes, and this time I've brought borderline TV stars with me! I gotta say, I feel like Meryl frikkin Streep with these two following me around.
NOT AGENT SMITH
Looks like you've got me cornered. But then again I can still.... THROW MY SUNGLASSES AT YOU!!!
NOT AGENT SMITH literally THROWS HIS SUNGLASSES in 3D right at the AUDIENCE.
Okay, that's just silly.
Auuugh! Our firearms are useless against this one piece of plastic eyewear! I am falling into a crazy tube thing!
My God, but these guys utterly suck as sidekicks. Guess we'll fight now.
They FIGHT. Then they FIGHT SOME MORE.
NOT AGENT SMITH
Hm, the movie's almost over. Gotta run!
(gets in plane)
Perhaps I should have checked to see if Milla planted a bomb on this plane.
MILLA frees ALI and WENTWORTH.
Congrats, Milla! You defeated the main bad guy!
Well he's really more of an underling. And he's not dead yet, either; apparently in this universe an exploding plane couldn't kill a fruit fly. So as per usual, the movie's ending simply because we've run out of time, not because we've accomplished anything at all.
Well, we killed off a bunch of forgettable characters.
Except me! I'm actually still alive!
And now I'm here too!
How about that.