Admit it, this would be the most awesome "American Idol" judges' panel EVER.


Admit it, this would be the most awesome "American Idol" judges' panel EVER.

RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. HUGE CGI TECHNO-LAIR

RANDOM BAD GUYS

Mnyah ha ha, we are so invincible in our secret techno-lair. There is no way Milla Jovovich can get us.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Not so fast! As the several dozen people actually keeping track of this franchise's ongoing plot are aware, I have a clone army at my disposal! Now die!

MILLA and her CLONES begin KILLING BAD GUYS.

RANDOM BAD GUYS

Dammit, she's slicked her hair back and is wearing a continuous skintight outfit, thus creating a clean sillhouette and enabling the CGI renderers to digitally copy/paste her all over the goddamn place with utter abandon! Oh, and ARRRRRGHHH!!!!

NOT AGENT SMITH NOT FROM THE MATRIX

I won't be defeated so easily, Milla. Ha! I have jabbed you with a magical syringe that steals all those cool powers you got in Resident Evil: Extinction.

MILLA JOVOVICH

That's okay, nobody remembers what those were anyway. And even though you've allegedly made me a normal human now, I still have ridiculous strength, reflexes, and endurance. Allow me to demonstrate.

MILLA causes her and NOT AGENT SMITH to CRASH A PLANE against a SHEER MOUNTAIN FACE in an ENORMOUS FIREBALL OF DEATH after which she strolls off whistling merrily to herself while BUILDING A STONE HOUSE and KILLING A BEAR with her TEETH.

MILLA JOVOVICH

Sure does suck to be a normal human again.

CUT TO:

EXT. ALASKA

MILLA JOVOVICH

Why the hell am I in Alaska?

ALI LARTER

To find me, it would seem. I forget, have I been in this franchise before?

MILLA JOVOVICH

Yeah, I think you were in the last one. So, welcome back, I guess.

ALI LARTER

Cool. Well, now that you've dragged the storyline all the way up here, let's drag it all the way back south again, using your tiny plane that couldn't possibly have one-tenth the fuel capacity necessary to do all this flying.

CUT TO:

EXT. HUGE CGI DEVASTATED COASTAL CITY

MILLALI are flying over the CITY in pursuit of some RANDOM SIGNAL MACGUFFIN THING.

ALI LARTER

Look, there is an assortment of half-realized characters on that prison rooftop! We should help them!

MILLA JOVOVICH

The sensible thing to do would be to search for some larger craft, or maybe a helicopter, that could be useful. So instead I will crash-land on the roof.

She DOES SO. The PLANE almost FALLS OFF the EDGE of the BUILDING, but DOESN'T!

KIM COATES

That was an excellent recreation of the similar scene from "Escape From New York", Milla, so ten out of ten for style, but minus several million points for good thinking, you know? And yes, I'm quoting the radio version of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" What, you'd prefer I say my actual shitty dialogue?

BORIS KODJOE

Look out, everyone! Zombies!

MILLA kills LOTS AND LOTS OF ZOMBIES, allowing the group to take refuge INSIDE.

INT. EMPTY OMINOUS PRISON

MILLA JOVOVICH

You guys had a great idea holing up in this prison. There's no way that the lack of any escape route could possibly come back to bite you in the ass.

SPENCER LOCKE

Gosh, thanks, Milla! Allow me to introduce our group of eclectic character traits. For instance, over here we have a Spanish guy!

MILLA JOVOVICH

You know this is a Resident Evil movie, right? I wouldn't bother. Look, half of them have already been eaten by zombies.

SPENCER LOCKE

Huh?

(is eaten by zombie)

ARRRRRRGH!!!! Okay, I see your pointARRRGHGHGHHH!!!!!!!

KIM COATES

And there's no escape route! Curse the luck!

BORIS KODJOE

Come with me, Millali! There's someone downstairs who can help us!

CUT TO:

INT. PRISON BASEMENT

ALI LARTER

That is one impressive Hannibal-Lecter-style cage you've got here in this otherwise empty basement. I wonder who could possibly be imposing enough to warrant such a dramatic buildup.

WENTWORTH MILLER

(emerging from shadows)

Yes, it is I, Wentworth Miller, megastar of TV's "Prison Break" and... I guess that's it, unless you count that one early episode of "Buffy" Otherwise I've got exactly one claim to fame, and that's "Prison Break", which was pretty lame, but it's something. However, now it's time for a new chapter in my career! Time to move on from "Prison Break" and into bold, new territory that will really stretch my chops! What can I help you with?

MILLA JOVOVICH

We need you to help us break out of this prison.

WENWORTH MILLER

(pause)

Well, poop.

(considers career options)

Okay, I'll do it.

MILLALI and WENTWORTH ESCAPE! Oh, and the others get eaten. They follow the MACGUFFIN SIGNAL to a BOAT.

CUT TO:

INT. ANOTHER MASSIVE CGI LAIR THAT IS ROUGHLY 2,000 TIMES TOO BIG TO FIT INSIDE THE BOAT WHERE IT IS ALLEGEDLY LOCATED

NOT AGENT SMITH

So, you found me again, Milla!

MILLA JOVOVICH

Yes, and this time I've brought borderline TV stars with me! I gotta say, I feel like Meryl frikkin Streep with these two following me around.

NOT AGENT SMITH

Looks like you've got me cornered. But then again I can still.... THROW MY SUNGLASSES AT YOU!!!

NOT AGENT SMITH literally THROWS HIS SUNGLASSES in 3D right at the AUDIENCE.

AUDIENCE

Okay, that's just silly.

ALI LARTER

Auuugh! Our firearms are useless against this one piece of plastic eyewear! I am falling into a crazy tube thing!

WENTWORTH MILLER

Me tooooooooooo!

MILLA JOVOVICH

My God, but these guys utterly suck as sidekicks. Guess we'll fight now.

They FIGHT. Then they FIGHT SOME MORE.

NOT AGENT SMITH

(checks watch)

Hm, the movie's almost over. Gotta run!

(gets in plane)

See ya!

(takes off)

Perhaps I should have checked to see if Milla planted a bomb on this plane.

(plane explodes)

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGHH!!!!!!

MILLA frees ALI and WENTWORTH.

ALI LARTER

Congrats, Milla! You defeated the main bad guy!

MILLA JOVOVICH

Well he's really more of an underling. And he's not dead yet, either; apparently in this universe an exploding plane couldn't kill a fruit fly. So as per usual, the movie's ending simply because we've run out of time, not because we've accomplished anything at all.

WENTWORTH MILLER

Well, we killed off a bunch of forgettable characters.

BORIS KODJOE

Except me! I'm actually still alive!

ALI LARTER

Huh.

SIENNA GUILLORY

And now I'm here too!

MILLA JOVOVICH

How about that.

END

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