RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION
The Abridged Script
EXT. END OF THE LAST MOVIE
We watch an ELABORATE ACTION SEQUENCE in REVERSE and SUPER SLOW MOTION which only draws attention to the fact that MILLA JOVOVICH does NOT FUCKING MOVE AN INCH the whole time while 10,000 BULLETS and ROCKETS fly past her.
Then a MONITOR showing ANOTHER MILLA JOVOVICH floats in front of everything because 3D.
Hi. Since this is the fifth... FIFTH of these movies, holy crap... let me recap for everyone. My character's name is Alice, which is the only consistent fact in this whole sorry mess. Hang on to that.
CUTSCENES of PAST MOVIES fly behind her, including a shot of WENTWORTH MILLER sobbing that he wasn't invited back.
So let's see. First I wore a red dress and killed zombies. Then I wore a sort of ochre-black combo and killed more zombies. Then I switched to a brown ensemble, then full black, all the while continuing to kill zombies. Sometimes I had powers and sometimes more powers, but I always looked good, because the director is my husband. I think that covers it. Now on with our merry tale!
We then see the action sequence in FORWARD REGULAR-SPEED MOTION which is now simply DULL. At the end MILLA is thrown into the OCEAN and...
MILLA wakes up in a SUBURBAN HOUSE and finds ODED FEHR and her DEAF KID in the kitchen.
Good morning Mom! I'm still deaf!
That's okay sweetie, studio research proved long ago that sign language and kids are a surefire audience-sympathy-generating combo. So, Oded, want to do some boring suburban things?
Sure honey, but remember we first have to exactly recreate the opening of Dawn of the Dead (Zack Snyder version). After that my day's clear.
ZOMBIES BURST IN and CHOMP on ODED, TURNING HIM!
AIEEE! Oh God, why is this happening?!?
Because if not for this scene, we'd have the first zombie movie in history where nobody got turned into a zombie. And despite what you might think, we do have SOME standards.
ODEAD KILLS MILLA, WTF, but DEAF KID manages to HIDE!
Now to chomp the kid! How will this tense situation be resolved?
(vanishes from movie)
INT. FEATURELESS WHITE UMBRELLA PRISON
MILLA wakes up AGAIN, this time wearing nothing but the WORLD'S FLIMSIEST SANDWICH BOARD, and flashes the now-traditional RESIDENT NIPPLE.
Tell us what we need to know, Milla, or I will subject you to my excruciatingly bad line readings until your ears bleed out spinal fluid. It's basically Vogon poetry times a zillion.
Suddenly ALL THE COMPUTERS AND LIGHTS go on the FRITZ!
Error, error! Security breach! Power has been cut! As per emergency protocol, I must now provide all prisoners with fresh new kick-ass wardrobes. Here you go.
An all-black outfit? We did black last movie.
True, but last time was more of a matte black, and this is more glossy black. I mean, I can't give you purple, the audience will assume they walked into Ultraviolet 2 by accident.
Aw, that's cute of you to pretend anyone remembers Ultraviolet.
Well, let's make sure they know it's Resident Evil by doing a laser corridor scene! And let's not confuse anyone by adding anything new or original to it.
They DO, and MILLA ESCAPES into...
EXT. DOWNTOWN TOKYO
Wow, the opening scene of "Resident Evil: Afterlife"! Since our audience has already watched this, they're sure to love watching me watch it!
Sure enough, as we saw LAST MOVIE, a ZOMBIE OUTBREAK happens! A SMALL HORDE chases MILLA into ANOTHER WHITE CORRIDOR!
I guess we're far enough into the zombie-fighting movie for me to actually fight some zombies.
MILLA WASTES a FUCKLOAD OF ENERGY inflicting NON-HEADWOUNDS on the ZOMBIES until finally dispatching them. However all the DICKING AROUND has allowed a RATHER LARGE HORDE to assemble!
Oh man, it'll take hours of screen time to stylishly defeat each and every one of them individually! I'll just escape.
INT. CONTROL ROOM
MILLA enters the CONTROL ROOM and finds LI BINGBING.
Hi Milla, I'm here to rescue you from this vast underwater complex.
Why are you wearing my old dress?
Because you were originally created as a composite character that includes me. Only now, all the characters you're built from are also in the movie, so in a way, you're totally redundant.
Possibly. But in another way, your acting makes me look like Meryl Streep, so go fuck yourself.
EXT. FROZEN POLAR LAKE - ATOP THE BURIED UMBRELLA BASE
JOHANN URB, KEVIN DURAND, and BORIS KODJOE arrive with TWO REDSHIRT CHARACTERS.
So it seems I've been cast for the sole reason that I somewhat resemble Leon from the games. Boris is here because he was in the last movie. The two redshirts are clearly zombie fodder...
...which leaves you, Kevin Durand. Why are you here exactly?
You film in Canada, and I magically appear. Basically I'm the new Callum Keith Rennie. CAN-CON JOKE!
Anyway we must set this bomb, then go inside to get Li Bingbing, who went to rescue Milla.
If the base is so easy to infiltrate why didn't we all go? Or if Li Bingbing only managed it due to her awesome skill, why would we blunder after her instead of waiting here?
This is your first time in one of these movies, isn't it.
INT. CONTROL ROOM
MILLA and BINGBING get a SKYPE CALL from EVIL PERPETUAL SUNGLASSES GUY SHAWN ROBERTS.
Hey Milla. So where you are is a giant demonstration facility, made up of simulated international environments, where Umbrella could show off the T-virus to its global customer base.
A demonstration facility. Really. People had to be convinced that rampaging zombies in a populated area could be a problem.
You'd be surprised. The Brits seemed to think you could survive by hiding out in the nearest pub. The Mexicans said having guns for legs would solve everything, and New Zealand insisted all you'd need is a good lawnmower to be safe. So yes.
And to illustrate your argument you built a huge fucking biodome full of actual zombies. You guys never heard of Powerpoint?
(grimaces, begins twitching)
Arrgh... Red Queen program... regaining... control!
Why are you struggling? You're not a computer virus, just a guy at a keyboard somewhere.
Oh yeah. I seem so much like a CGI construct I sometimes forget I'm an actual person.
The picture of SHAWN is replaced by the RED QUEEN!
Since this whole damn movie is nothing but callbacks and shoutouts, I should say "You're all going to die down here" since that's one of the few memorable scraps of this franchise. It's a shame, really. We originally set out to make a big Lewis Carroll homage, with legitimate artistic undertones and everything. We had dreams...
You're all going to die down here.
Please, PLEASE don't tell me the only reason this gigantic Umbrella base is ridiculously situated beneath a vast frozen lake was to keep the words "down here" in that quote.
Okay, I won't. Can we get back to the running and fighting now?
MILLA and BINGBING RUN BACK to FAKE TOKYO!
EXT. (BUT REALLY INT.) FAKE TOKYO
Oh crap, it's TWO of those giant axe guys! What can we do?
Shooting cars always creates exactly the right kind of explosion you need. Let's do that!
You seriously think that Umbrella would spend thousands of dollars keeping all these cars fully fuelled even though their only purpose is to provide set dressing?
Damn right I do, these are the same assholes who put illuminated floors everywhere to go with the illuminated ceilings and walls. Budget-conscious, they are fucking not.
The plan WORKS!
INT. (BUT LOOKS LIKE EXT.) FAKE RUSSIA
JOHANN URB and company are ATTACKED by RUSSKIE ZOMBIES!
Everyone stand in a big line and shoot! And for God's sake take no cover of any kind, they might have ranged weapons!!
One of the REDSHIRTS gets CUT IN HALF VERTICALLY with a CHAINSAW!
EXT. (INT.) FAKE SUBURBIA (SUPPOSE I COULD JUST SAY "SUBURBIA")
MILLA and BINGBING find the house of DEAD SUBURBAN MILLA.
Look, it's a clone of me! But I thought we destroyed my clone army last movie, after I took control of all my clones in the movie before that, unless these are other clones that didn't die but I never controlled but... oh for fuck's sake, is ANYONE keeping track of this shit?
I heard there was this one guy somewhere in Italy, but it's probably just a myth.
Mommie, it's me, still deaf!
It's okay, somehow I know sign language too.
I love you Milla!
Oh crap, an emotional arc, seriously?!? I thought we understood I do these movies to unwind, they're supposed to demand as little of me as possible.
They go to LEAVE but EVIL CLONES of ODED FEHR, MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ and COLIN SALMON are waiting for them!
Not so fast! We're here to capture you Milla, which is why we haven't gunned down Li Bingbing or Deaf Kid where they stand.
Yes, even though we have a room with 10,000 perfect clones of you, made from your DNA, we need to capture you to study your DNA.
Bet you're surprised to see me again! I know you're all "OHMIGOD HOW DID THEY GET COLIN SALMON" amiright?
I won't go without a fight! And by "fight" I mean shooting thousands of bullets past each other while we all barely move a muscle.
There is a HAIL OF GUNFIRE followed by a TYPHOON OF GUNFIRE and a CHINOOK OF GUNFIRE and finally MILLA gets BORED AND WALKS AWAY with DEAF KID and NOBODY DOES JACK SHIT ABOUT IT and she is FINE. Meanwhile THE ENTIRE HOUSE BLOWS THE FUCK UP but LI BINGBING takes cover under a PIECE OF WOOD and is TOTALLY FINE.
EXT. INT. FAKE RUSSIA
JOHANN URB and the URB-TONES escape the RUSSKIE ZOMBIES only to come face-to-face with a GIANT EXPOSED-BRAIN BEAST-CREATURE THING!
Yeah, I could see how Umbrella's customers might need to be literally shown how this huge mass of mutated death could possibly inflict damage on a civilian population. They must pay Umbrella in rocks and vegetables, I doubt they have the imagination necessary to grasp what money is.
The BRAINBEAST EATS the other REDSHIRT and is about to ATTACK when MILLA knocks it over with a MAGIC UNDENTABLE CAR! Everyone PILES IN and MILLA FLOORS it just as the RUSSKIE ZOMBIES spot them again!
Ah, now they have some cover, we can start shooting!
Damn! Any chance that my three fully-armed passengers might try firing back?
We will if you shake the right controller while holding Z... NOW!
Fuck's sake guys, these are barely movies as it is. Don't make it worse.
MILLA drives into a SUBWAY and buries the BRAINBEAST in a BIG CAVE-IN!! It DIES... OR DOES IT?! HINT, IT TOTALLY DOESN'T!! Instead it KIDNAPS DEAF KID and RUNS AWAY!
Sorry Milla, the kid's a goner.
No, don't you see, we're doing the end of Aliens now! I can still rescue her!
Aw crap, the Brainbeast injured me, which means I'm about to mutate or zombify or some fucking thing. You guys go help Milla, I'll hold off the evil clones!
The EVIL CLONES pin down KEVIN DURAND!
Give it up Kevin! Look, we captured Li Bingbing and kept her alive! Now reveal yourself so we can kill you both at the same time.
You think I'm an idiot? Obviously you killed the REAL Li Bingbing and that's just an evil clone you created to trick me. It would be utterly ridiculous of you to NOT have done that.
No, honestly, we're stupid enough that this is actually the real Li Bingbing.
God, really?! That's it, I can't take being in this movie any longer.
(walks out from behind cover)
They SHOOT KEVIN DURAND DEAD, but then he GETS UP and KILLS CLONIN SALMON, and then is DEAD AFTER ALL.
INT. (THAT LOOKS LIKE INT. (BUT IS REALLY INT.)) CONCRETE ROOM
MILLA kills the BRAINBEAST and rescues the KID using 3D! Then everyone RUNS to the next ROOM and is shocked to discover THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF MILLA JOVOVICHES suspended in MID-AIR by GIGANTIC METAL RING-CLAMPS!!
My God, it's an enormous binder, full of women! ...Who are me!
So part of the Red Queen's plan to destroy all human life, is to create tons of human life. Like I should expect anybody in this franchise to do anything that makes even a nano-lick of sense.
Am I even deaf anymore? I'm not, am I.
The BOMB finally EXPLODES, FLOODING the entire base and DROWNING CLONEDED FEHR!
Huh. You'd think an evil supercomputer that was tracking our every move and has cameras and sensors everywhere, would have seen THAT one coming.
They ESCAPE to the SURFACE!
EXT. (AH, JUST PLAIN GOOD OL' EXT.) FROZEN LAKE
Not so fast! Michelle and I also escaped! And look, we have captured Li Bingbing.
Oh come on, OBVIOUSLY that's a clone and...
Okay, God, we'll just fight. Prepare to die, even though we continue to refuse to kill the captured Li Bingbing for no reason!
Well there are three of us, and only two of you. We should easily...
Ah, but I have the weird magic syringe thing that makes me crazy powerful!! It's amazing more of us don't use this.
They FIGHT! To illustrate JUST HOW HARD they can PUNCH, we see X-RAYS of LOTS OF BONES BREAKING! JOHANN PUNCHES SIENNA and makes an MRI of her FACE! Then MICHELLE PUNCHES BORIS so hard that we see a ECHOCARDIOGRAM of his HEART STOPPING!
Ah it's okay, I can come back next movie as a clone or hologram or zombie or whatever.
Then MILLA PUNCHES THE FUCK OUT OF SIENNA and we get a PHOTOACOUSTIC IMAGE of the BRUISED AREA and a FULL SET OF BLOODWORK and we KEEP HER UNDER OBSERVATION with a STEADY CORTISONE DRIP because WE'RE NOT LOSING THIS ONE, DAMMIT!!! NOT AGAIN, NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Ouch. Now to finish you off!
SIENNA delivers a BRUTAL FIGHT-ENDING BLOW to MILLA that SHATTERS ALL OF HER VERTEBRAE!
Oof! It's okay Sienna, I know it's only the evil mind-controlling bug thing on your chest that's making you do this. If only there was some way to release you from Umbrella's mind control!
SIENNA hits MILLA with the ULTIMATE COUP DE GRACE, LIQUIFYING her KIDNEY and pushing her RIBS out her EARS!
Not... quite... dead! Oh if only you had some weak spot! And that damned huge mind-controlling bug thing is blocking my view as I try to look for your weak spots!
SIENNA deals out what is surely the ABSOLUTELY FINAL DEVASTATING STRIKE that VAPORIZES MILLA'S ENTIRE NERVOUS SYSTEM into GASEOUS ACID that DISSOLVES HER REMAINING INTERNAL ORGANS!
Arrgh... almost... felt that! I give up... wait, maybe your weak spot is hiding BEHIND the exposed mind-control unit and its easily-grabbed spindly legs.
(grabs mind control unit)
I'm myself again! How did you do it?
Grrr, you'll still never defeat ME! Not even a zombie army could take me down!
Then I will unleash an even more ravenous, bloated, undead husk upon you!
VIN DIESEL and PAUL WALKER drag MICHELLE off to the FAST & FURIOUS franchise.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoh, why not.
Phew! Now for a quick nap to heal all those fatal injuries.
INT. WASHINGTON DC
MILLA wakes up AGAIN, this time inside THE WHITE HOUSE.
Well, Shawn, we made it. What now?
Let's see. We fuck with Milla in some random way at the end of each movie, so...
(rolls d10, checks chart)
Ooh, more powers!
(stabs Milla with syringe)
Goddamn it. What's it this time? Yellow jumpsuit, pyrokinesis?
Possibly. We must prepare for... the final battle.
You may recall that THIS movie was advertised as "the final battle". Why the hell should anyone believe you this time?
Oh, but this one really will be. As long as you press A + B while wiggling the left controller RIGHT NOW WHOOPS TOO LATE WE GET TO MAKE SEVEN MORE MOVIES HA HA HA HA
Alex W. just so happens to share the exact same genetic code as the patriarch of an alien interstellar corporation, which is invaluable for his daytime sewer maintenance job. He usually watches movies with his wife Barbara, the funniest person he knows and the source of many of his best jokes. If you're only reading this to find the Fourth Clue of Zabador, here it is: MAGNET