The Abridged Script
EXT. POORLY LIT CITY
KATE BECKINSALE is perched atop a huge tower, being very GOTH.
KATE BECKINSALE (V.O.)
I am a vampire, one of many involved in an underground war. When not killing werewolves, I go to raves that play industrial rock, buy new trenchcoats, rip holes in my mesh stockings, and post to my livejournal.
She spots some WEREWOLVES who are following SCOTT SPEEDMAN, and CHASES them into the subway.
A badly choreographed, horribly shot gunfight ensues.
Shit! The camera is moving around so suddenly and shakily I can't tell what's going on!
He is shot with a GLOWING BLUE BULLET.
Gark! Bury me with my collection of Anne Rice novels!
The gunfight continues, and it is very LOUD and therefore GOOD. Just when it looks like it might end, it CONTINUES instead. Eventually, it stops. KATE goes back to VAMPIRE HEADQUARTERS.
INT. BIG GOTH MANSION
KATE BECKINSALE enters the mansion, pushing past a bunch of VAMPIRES writing POETRY and practicing looking SULLEN. She goes to THE WEAPON VAMPIRE GUY
Random Vampire got shot with this and it killed him.
WEAPON VAMPIRE GUY
Wow. It's daylight, compressed into bullet form!
Before the AUDIENCE MEMBERS have time to leave, SHANE BROLLY enters.
I am the lead vampire and I'm a son of a bitch. I love you Kate Beckinsale, but I also hate you.
Sorry, I'm falling for Scott Speedman, a human!
She leaves to find him.
INT. SCOTT SPEEDMAN'S APARTMENT
SCOTT SPEEDMAN enters and is ACCOSTED by KATE BECKINSALE.
Why were those werewolves after you?
You're caught in the middle of a war that has been raging for hundreds of years. The battle is between vampires and werewolves, and now the werewolves are after you as part of their plan to rise up against the vampires.
Oh my god.
No, I just can't believe you said that with a straight face. I mean, holy shit.
Suddenly, MICHAEL SHEEN enters.
I am a werewolf!
And now you are too!
There is a brief gunfight that goes nowhere. Eventually, KATE and SCOTT escape.
INT. SECLUDED DOCTOR'S OFFICE OR SOMETHING
KATE handcuffs SCOTT to a chair.
I'm sorry. You will turn into a werewolf, so I am doing this for your protection.
Wait so, for my protection, you're handcuffing me to a chair so that the legion of werewolves coming after me will easily be able to capture me because I am unable to run.
Look, we've spent like an hour of this movie just running around trying to find people. I'll need you again, let's not torture the audience.
I think it's too late for that.
INT. BIG GOTH MANSION
KATE revives BILL NIGHY, the head vampire. He looks FUCKING RIDICULOUS.
Oh my god, THIS is the special effect for you as you get your power back? This is awful.
Kate, you have gone against the chain of command in the vamp--
Holy crap, have you seen yourself talk? Are these scenes supposed to be taken seriously?
Get out! You're banished from the mansion!
KATE RETURNS to the DOCTOR'S OFFICE.
Scott, I've got to get you out of here.
SCOTT is captured, so KATE will have to go searching for him again. There is a GUNFIGHT and it SUCKS. Eventually, everyone winds up in the sewers.
MICHAEL SHEEN injects SCOTT SPEEDMAN with some crap.
So, what the hell is going on it here? That other werewolf tried to explain it earlier, but his accent was incomprehensible.
Shane Brolly, the lead vampire guy, has been secretly working with me to allow me to find you. Because of some crap about descendants and bloodlines, if you are bitten by both vampire and werewolf, you become a hybrid, which would allow us to finally end this war. The war started when Bill Nighly killed my girlfriend, his daughter, for being with me, because he doesn't want the two species to mix.
KATE BECKINSALE arrives. Also, MICHAEL SHEEN is shot with a bullet that kills werewolves.
Kate! I know how the war started! I finally read the script!
There's a script? I thought this whole movie was the product of special effects guys and cinematographers.
Suddenly, SHANE BROLLY arrives.
Hello, Scott. I have betrayed the vampire order specifically so that Michael could create the werewolf/vampire hybrid, and now that it has finally happened, I will attempt to kill you, despite the fact that such a thing is grossly inconsistent with my actions thus far.
Even though I was shot with a bullet that always kills werewolves, I am not dead for some reason. Kate, if you bite Scott, it will turn him into a cross between a vampire, a werewolf, and a member of the Blue Man Group.
She does. SCOTT transforms into the ULTIMATE RIDICULOUS CREATURE IN A RIDICULOUS MOVIE.
You are an abomination! I will destroy you using my Vampire Geezer powers!
They FIGHT. BILL is about to win when suddenly, KATE BECKINSALE picks up a sword and jumps to the other side of the room, nowhere near BILL. When she lands, she is holding a perfectly clean sword.
Uh oh. I hope you didn't do what I think you did. Let me just stand up very straight so that I am in the very center of the frame..
(half of his face slides off)
Damn! I hate this shot! Why are movies doing this all the time now? This isn't how it works, people, ask a doctor!
KATE looks at her sword, which now has blood on it.
Hooray! Soon the war will be over, leaving vampires and werewolves to be friends forever more.
Let's go buy long velvet trenchcoats and listen to The Smiths!