The Twilight Saga: New Moon: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Dec 8th, 2009 |
61 Comments
| Movie: 
In over 500,000 fanfics, this scene immediately precedes an orgy.
This script was posted on Cracked.com. If you want to read it there, go here.
FADE IN:
INT. ROBERT PATTINSON’S FAMILY’S HOUSE
KRISTEN STEWART is celebrating her BIRTHDAY with ROBERT PATTINSON’S FAMILY.
KRISTEN STEWART
Thanks for this incredibly creepy party everyone, but I’m really not in the mood to celebrate. Every year I spend in these movies makes it that much more difficult for me to get any other acting role.
ROBERT PATTINSON
But you’re the founder of the “dull angst” method of acting! Stare blankly when sad, bite lip when happy!
KRISTEN STEWART
(stares blankly)
ASHLEY GREENE
Hey Kristen! Open my gift first! It’s a bag of ecstasy, now you can be just as obnoxiously bubbly and wired as me!
KRISTEN opens the gift and cuts herself on the wrapping.
KRISTEN STEWART
Ouch. Zoom in cameraman, I got a papercut.
ROBERT PATTINSON
On wrapping paper? How is that even possible?
Suddenly, JACKSON RATHBONE pretends he’s a SNAKE and makes SUPER COOL SNAKE NOISES. He lunges at KRISTEN.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Don’t worry Kristen, I will protect you by hurling you against a wall and into a glass table!
KRISTEN STEWART
My hero!
(bleeds profusely)
JACKSON is sent to his room.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Kristen, my family is dangerous. I mean, a single drop of blood whipped them into a hilarious frenzy.
KRISTEN STEWART
I noticed. So do I just avoid coming over for a week every month or something?
ROBERT PATTINSON
What I’m trying to say is, I think we should break up. Please don’t do anything stupid. And yes, Taylor Lautner counts as a stupid thing.
KRISTEN STEWART
No! I’ve been dumped by my high school boyfriend! The only natural reaction is to have violent night terrors, sit in my room and mope endlessly, and detach from my friends entirely!
INT. SCHOOL
After a while, KRISTEN STEWART starts talking to her friends again.
MICHAEL WELCH
I heard you sat and stared out your window for three solid months. That seems like a pretty clear sign of a mental imbalance, which I’m apparently attracted to. Want to go see a movie?
KRISTEN STEWART
Sure, lets go see Face-Punch. Apparently the trailer tag line is “Pow pow, punch faces.”
MICHAEL WELCH
I know it’s a joke movie, but that actually sounds a hell of a lot better than this steaming pile.
MICHAEL and KRISTEN go see a movie, but she invites TAYLOR LAUTNER as well.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Hey Kristen. I got super ripped since the last movie. By the way I’m totally not a werewolf.
KRISTEN STEWART
You should make fun of the poor schmuck who invited me to this movie since he’s not as ripped as you.
MICHAEL WELCH
You know what? I don’t need this shit! I may not be Robert Pattinson, but I’ve still been in the Twilight movies! Michael Fucking Welch pulls trim, okay?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Pattinson is never coming back, Kristen. You should get over him and go out with me.
KRISTEN STEWART
I dunno, I was really looking forward to another three-month spinning camera shot. Wanted to know what I’d see outside my window for “March”. Not sure if I’m ready to date someone else.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
(points to abs)
KRISTEN STEWART
Good point. Would you be okay with me stringing you along and using you to fix some motorcycles I found so that I can get an adrenaline rush that reminds me of Robert Pattinson?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Hmm. Maybe if I show you how loyal I am and offer you an endless supply of support without any kind of pressure you’ll eventually come to rely on me and that reliance will slowly morph into romantic feelings!
KRISTEN STEWART
Maybe! That’s worked for lots of guys, just ask any forum on the internet!
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Great. I will never, ever leave you.
(pause)
By the way, I am a werewolf after all. I can never see you again.
KRISTEN STEWART
Wow, so this movie series is going to ruin werewolves too?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Yep. Werewolves are telepathic and like cliffdiving.
KRISTEN STEWART
I’m going to be really disappointed if the next movie doesn’t have rapping Frankenstein monsters or chess-playing mummies or something.
KRISTEN hangs around the WEREWOLF FAMILY. No WEREWOLF SOCCER is forced upon the AUDIENCE.
KRISTEN STEWART
Is there any particular reason you guys never wear shirts? I mean besides generating revenue for panty manufacturers?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
We shred them when we turn into extremely poorly animated wolves.
KRISTEN STEWART
Oh. Then is there any particular reason you guys still wear pants?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
You ever see a dog’s penis?
KRISTEN continues cockteasing TAYLOR and eventually the phone in her house rings. TAYLOR answers it.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Hello? Do I have Prince Albert in a can? That joke doesn’t even make sense anymore, how old are you? Asshole.
(hangs up)
KRISTEN STEWART
Why the hell are you answering other people’s phones? Seriously, who does that?
Suddenly, ASHLEY GREENE bursts in the door.
ASHLEY GREENE
Kristen! That was Robert Pattinson who called, and since you were unable to answer the phone he naturally assumed you were dead! Now he’s going to kill himself!
KRISTEN STEWART
Wow, what a complete rip-off of Romeo and Juliet!
ASHLEY GREENE
It is, but since earlier the movie acknowledged that play exists, it makes it an homage! Hey, it smells like wet dog in here.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
What the fuck, are all vampires raging dickholes?
ASHLEY GREENE
Kristen, Robert is going to walk naked into the sunlight in Volterra, Italy. If he does this, the Volturi will have to kill him!
KRISTEN STEWART
Because then the city would know that vampires are still around?
ASHLEY GREENE
No, because then they’ll see him all glittery and know just how lame vampires are in Stephanie Meyer’s universe. We have to stop him!
KRISTEN STEWART
This movie isn’t going to try and pretend it’s an action flick in the last 10 minutes like the last movie, is it?
It IS. KRISTEN and ASHLEY take a continental flight to ITALY to try and stop ROBERT.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE – VOLTERRA, ITALY
KRISTEN and ASHLEY arrive just as ROBERT takes his shirt off to step into the sunlight.
KRISTEN STEWART
Robert, no! Holy crap, is that what you look like without a shirt on? Aren’t you supposed to be some kind of sex symbol? You look like a white Urkel.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Kristen, you’re alive! I love you more than anything could love a loved thing! Please ignore the fact that I’m still glowering at you as I say this.
KRISTEN STEWART
Of course! Hear that, girls in the audience? When the boy you love dumps you, it means he loves you more than ever! Don’t give up!
ROBERT PATTINSON
And if he thinks you are going to die, it will force him to express that love!
ROBERT, KRISTEN, and ASHLEY are apprehended by MICHAEL SHEEN, who is the KING VAMPIRE OR SOME BULLSHIT.
MICHAEL SHEEN
I’m going to kill you now, Robert. My wife loves these movies for some damn reason and if I have to sit through “Breaking Dawn” so help me…
KRISTEN STEWART
Don’t kill him! Kill me instead!
MICHAEL SHEEN
I think it was assumed that we’ll be eating you after we kill him, but whatever. Let’s use our super cool vampire powers to look into your future.
They look into the future and see KRISTEN and ROBERT prancing through a meadow in slow motion. The BOYFRIENDS in the AUDIENCE ruin their chances of getting laid by laughing uproariously.
MICHAEL SHEEN
Well that was fucking embarassing. Go on, get out of here. And please send in the huge group of American tourists whose disappearance somewhere in Italy surely won’t garner the attention of every major news network.
KRISTEN, ROBERT, and ASHLEY go back to WASHINGTON.
EXT. WOODS
KRISTEN and ROBERT are walking through the woods when they encounter TAYLOR LAUTNER.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
You’re back with the vampire? I thought you were falling in love with me!
KRISTEN STEWART
Guys, think about this a minute. Isn’t the fact that I’m only attracted to dangerous monsters an indicator that I’m not actually attracted to who either of you are, but what you are? Clearly I just have some kind of serious mental issue.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Yeah well, stay away from her Robert. Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Right, because you turn into a cartoon dog.
KRISTEN STEWART
This is the classic “person likes popular kid but is loved by best friend” storyline used in virtually every high school movie ever made, huh?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Yeah, except unlike every other movie that has used this cliche, you actually wind up with the popular kid and I stay a chump forever.
TAYLOR leaves.
KRISTEN STEWART
I asked your family to vote on if I’d be turned into a vampire and they voted yes. A vampire society is nothing if not a group that respects democracy.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Fine. I’ll convert you after two more books on one condition: you marry me.
KRISTEN STEWART
Er, did a 109-year-old just ask a teenage girl to make a lifetime commitment? Classy.
GIRLS IN AUDIENCE
(swooning)
No wonder boys hate Twilight! Nobody can be as perfect as Edward!
BOYS IN AUDIENCE
Are you kidding? We love Twilight! It teaches the next generation of women that, the worse their men treat them, the more in love they should be.
GIRLS IN AUDIENCE
You’re right! Want to buy me another movie ticket?
BOYS IN AUDIENCE
Buy your own goddamn ticket you stupid cunt.
WOMEN IN AUDIENCE
(swoon)
END
Hahaha, rod i would have your baby if i could
keep the scripts coming, i've told about 30 people about this site and they all love it, pretty soon all the internets will belong to yous
December 8th, 2009 at 2:42 pmMr. Hilton writes truth. Truth!
December 8th, 2009 at 5:07 pmRod, thank you for making my day.
Also, I did laugh uproariously during that Bella & Edward stroll through the pretty forest. Yup, I was the only one during my theater to do that. AND I didn't get laid that night.
You tell the truth my man.
December 8th, 2009 at 6:28 pmHappy.
YOU ARE MY LIFE NOW
December 8th, 2009 at 6:45 pmI think I would have tolerated werewolf soccer if they had used Carlisle Cullen as the ball.
December 8th, 2009 at 8:44 pmBrilliant work. Please continue in this vein. (and the pun doesn't count for 'vegetarian' vampires)
December 9th, 2009 at 12:15 amHmmmm, much easier to read scripts here than on cracked's site. Anyways, absolutely hilarious and so true in its observations. Keep up the good work Rod!
December 9th, 2009 at 1:47 amSo hello Rod,
You're a funny guy. That's true. Many movies, like Australia, Twilight, and most of the Harry Potter movies deserve to be mocked, and you point out great insight to the problems of Hollywood scriptwriting.
But for the LOVE OF GOD correct your grammar. When pluralizing odd nouns like decades, don't use apostrophes. Ex: It's 1960s, not 1960's. And another thing, know the difference between its and it's. It's annoying (ha! see what I did there? I used the contraction properly. HILARITY!).
Also, saying "deus ex machina" a lot instead of "plot device" does not make you smarter.
I know this post came off as snarky, but so are you. You point out shortcomings for a LIVING. Or at least a creepy online hobby people find funny for some reason. Though, sometimes, like when pointing out the horribleness of a film like New Moon, you are.
December 9th, 2009 at 5:22 amThis movie made no sense. Kristen was immune to vampire superpowers but the redhead could still see her in the future? Or how about when Kristen decides to sacrifice herself for Robert even though we know he'd kill himself if she died? How can the only vampire law be to stay secret when the council feeds on entire tour groups at a time?
December 9th, 2009 at 6:59 amSo hello Lee,
At no point in this post do I use either "it's" or "its".
1960s vs 1960's is a style choice, both are correct in English: http://andromeda.rutgers.edu/~jlynch/Writing/a.ht...
You're a moron.
December 9th, 2009 at 2:56 pmDeus ex machina is a specific plot device.
December 9th, 2009 at 4:46 pmEE! Christmas came early! Thank you, Rod!
December 9th, 2009 at 4:47 pmThanks Rod, great script. “Cartoon dog” was the biggest spit-take moment for me.
Also enjoyed the boiling oil treatment of Lee. When will they learn that Rod Hilton, much like the Wu Tang Clan, ain’t nothin’ to fuck with?
Brings back memories of the Dark Knight thread.
(Swoon)
December 9th, 2009 at 2:29 pmWell, the movie came out in August but I wrote the script in October.
Generally, I do 13 scripts per year, bare minimum. That's how many issues of Total Film get published per year. So usually, I publish one a month.
Sometimes it doesn't work out easily. So Basterds went up late October, this one went up early December (and 2012 is posting later in December as well).
In any case, don't check the home page over and over again. Look into subscribing to the RSS feed and save yourself the hassle, that way you will see when I update. You can also follow me on twitter (@theeditingroom)
December 9th, 2009 at 10:24 pmI didn't like this one as much as the first Twilight script and thought it was a little disappointing in some ways. Maybe it's because the Twilight books are already such drek they're virtually self-parodying, especially Breaking Dawn. The only two things worth watching in New Moon are Taylor Lautner's amazing muscular development and the pretty realistic way they painted abs on Robert Pattinson. He still looked quite dead under the glitter but I guess that was the point. A friend of mine recently observed that in a medieval Italian town on a grand festival day, if someone comes out looking like Edward did in this film, it would be assumed that he was emerging not from a vampire closet, but from another kind of closet.
December 9th, 2009 at 10:39 pmAh the Dark Knight thread…good times for sure.
December 10th, 2009 at 2:59 amYeah, in San Francisco, a white, pasty looking guy with gelled hair and a glittery body are a dime a dozen. I'm dead serious.
December 10th, 2009 at 3:00 amI've been looking forward to seeing you tear this shitpile movie a new asshole, and you did not disappoint! Thank you, Rod!
December 10th, 2009 at 5:46 amswoon
December 10th, 2009 at 9:52 amRod, you just drove a stake through my heart! I will love you forever and ever. Although you don’t sparkle. Or have abs glued on. You just ripped apart the nauseating vampire that gets me diabetic.
December 10th, 2009 at 4:41 amvincenotvance… you serious?? wow!
I think Lee is refering to your entire body of work, not just this script. I guess he/she is one of those people who finds your 'creepy online hobby' funny.
December 10th, 2009 at 1:25 pmNo, you fool! You must not speak of he-who-must-not-be-fed!
December 10th, 2009 at 10:11 pmIf I say his name three times, you think he'll appear?
December 10th, 2009 at 10:42 pmRod, several thousand miles away from where you live, I somehow got roped into seeing this film with my soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend. At the end of the film, during one of the ridiculously overblown romantic sequences, I burst out laughing – just as your script predicted. All of the women in the theatre turned to scowl at me as one. How do we free our bitches from this celluloid hemlock?
-J
December 11th, 2009 at 6:07 pmI was wondering about the same thing!
December 11th, 2009 at 11:59 pmThe vamp powers do not work on Bella/Kristen but the prophecy-chick can see her future? WTF?
Soccer? I thought werewolves liked basketball?
December 12th, 2009 at 11:58 pmGreat script Rob, thankfully I won't have to watch this film for another year till it's on Sky Premiere.
Is that the main werewolf guy in the photo there? Man, from the side he looks like a chubby, cherubic infant. if it were just a shot of his head I would assume he was a girl. A very young girl, at that.
And whaaat? The head evil vampire is played by the same guy who played the head WEREWOLF in the Underworld series? Traitor!
December 13th, 2009 at 12:14 amLee, you are cordially invited to blow it out your ass.
December 13th, 2009 at 12:55 am“They look into the future and see KRISTEN and ROBERT prancing through a meadow in slow motion. The BOYFRIENDS in the AUDIENCE ruin their chances of getting laid by laughing uproariously.”
That made me snort. Hilarious!
December 12th, 2009 at 8:35 pmAbsolutely hilarious.
December 13th, 2009 at 11:12 pmROBERT PATTINSON
Kristen, my family is dangerous. I mean, a single drop of blood whipped them into a hilarious frenzy.
KRISTEN STEWART
I noticed. So do I just avoid coming over for a week every month or something?
I've read alot of your abridged scripts, and this unfortunately is one of the worst. Dude you need to masturbate more
December 14th, 2009 at 8:24 amKristen Stewart was on Live with Regis and Kelly. They showed the clip with the drop of blood, and the audience laughed. I kid you not, the audience actually laughed.
December 14th, 2009 at 5:26 pmLooks to me like somebody actually liked New Moon
December 15th, 2009 at 5:33 amGreat script. Not quite as great as your script for the original Twilight, but then, I consider that one the best you've ever written.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:48 pmYou really should read Rods FAQ(http://www.the-editing-room.com/faq).
December 16th, 2009 at 5:20 pmIS EVERYBODY READY FOR DANCES WITH WOLVES IN SPACE?!
… OR KINDA A LITTLE BIT?!
(/end caps)
December 17th, 2009 at 11:20 pm"I love you more than anything could love a loved thing!"
Why do I picture Hayden Christensen saying this?
Also, there's a pretty tight video parody here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bXeQ7baYEE
I feel like I've actually watched the movie, but without the sense of shame.
December 18th, 2009 at 11:59 pmI don't see why all you GUYS are bashing these flicks. they're pretty damned good movies in my opinion. Acting's top-notch, well-casted, strong storyline…
…
OK OK you got me — I was kidding hee hee!
December 19th, 2009 at 11:04 pmIt probably says little in my favor that I'm on my toes waiting for tomorrow's "2012" post. I didn't even watch it and I still want to see Rod's version.
December 21st, 2009 at 4:30 pmOh thank god you were kidding, I thought I was going to have to begin sharpening my wit to reply to that one.
December 24th, 2009 at 5:56 amU PEOPLE R SADO'S…
December 24th, 2009 at 11:39 amI'm dying to see that script–my reward for sitting through the (almost) entire movie.
December 25th, 2009 at 10:16 pmA great movie all the way up to the last 10 or so minutes… When it just got totally let down! I wish they had chose a better ending to finish off the movie the right way! 8 / 10.. watch at WikiBlast. n e t
December 27th, 2009 at 9:42 pmSpam still doesn't taste good.
December 29th, 2009 at 5:03 pm“You ever see a dog’s penis?”
I lol’d.
December 30th, 2009 at 3:29 pmI'm a girl, but I and my better half went to see this shitfest only laugh our asses off, and boy we did. Heck, we made so many snarky comments that made fun of this pigshit, might as well we make a fan riff of it together. Like the very beginning, when we first saw that weird yellow moon, my first reaction was to say "Well, them wolves marked the moon their property pretty well alright!" My BF choked on his coke so hard you'd think he just accidental saw uncensored furry porn by mistake. Also, when we got to see the infamously horribly, horribly cheesy and senseless meadow scene, we both laughed our asses off so hard, many brainwashed Twifans looked back at us in the "who DARES laughing at our Glitterfagkins" manner, with predictable 'death glares' included. That just made us laugh even harder. Also, am I the only one who noticed that one of the werewolves was the same guy who acted as Anthony from Sweeny Todd? You know, the same guy who will play as Dumbledore's canon mancrush, Grindewaldsomething? Yeah, the slash fangirls are already drooling at the "I feeeeeeeeeeel you" Grin/Albus possibles. What an awesome actor career-related joke you missed there Mr. Rod.
January 2nd, 2010 at 11:01 pmWhy yes, a girl laughing her ass off at Twilight, oh em gee. There are women with brains that would rather prefer watching decent movies whether they're weird or simply fun rather than see overrated chick flick crap like Sex and the City and endless Disaster Movies like the recent 2012 movie. We actually exist.
Oh, and just to tell; my BF didn't not get laid after seeing said movie. He's hotter and lovelier than anything Meyer's poorly pea-sized brain could ever come up with. Give me my silly green eyed, normal black haired Mr. Deadpan Snarkiness in a can who has big hearted underneath his tough exterior over a mobile controlling freak who's a friggin' sparkly corpse of a fairy and Mr. Wolfdude with a bazillion abs with no personality included any-friggin-day. Well, after seeing said horrors… this girl needed a bit of sexual healing from her horrible, horrible Twatlight experience. It was TOO horrible to let it even sink in my memory, figures even accept it exists… *hint**hint*nudge*nudge*
January 2nd, 2010 at 11:02 pmI have but one request Mr. Rod; if you could find the time, PLEASE review both Avatar and the Sherlock Holmes crap. One rips off from the Smurfs and Assassin's Creed combined with a lame ass 'plot', and another is just everyone's favourite crack addicted Detective in name only with a mix of Wild Wild West weirdness in order to make the movie look 'cool.' They should be good Editing Room material for you to mercilessly whack and bash with your personal banhammer. I also heard that the recent Disney 2D movie has enough plot loopholes to end up here as well, but I'm not sure if that's true since I didn't see the movie myself yet. Thanks for reading all through sweety. Have a nice day. C.C.
January 2nd, 2010 at 11:04 pm@rob 7/10 for me i guess
January 6th, 2010 at 9:13 pmTotally true. Spot on. :)
January 8th, 2010 at 4:29 amFirst thing first: I do like the books. I find that it requires and amazing amount of ability to write erotica targeted at the tween-teen female group, and getting away with it. Twilight makes some kind of sense when you view it this way.
January 10th, 2010 at 4:13 amOn the other hand, thanks for making New Moon a truly worthwhile read. Worth reading that to get the jokes in this one.
Basically, Not every vision that had to do with belle ever happened like it was supposed to. So it was a 50/50 chance of it happening.. Normally when alice had a vision it came true almost every time in the book…
January 24th, 2010 at 12:19 amI absolutley love your re-writes.
February 21st, 2010 at 8:24 pmYou need to get people to actually act them, I'd bet you'd make millions, probably the same amount as the original.
Anyway, keep it up bro.
AHAHAHAHAHHA
March 7th, 2010 at 11:33 pmI wasted 40 bucks on the books and watched the movies, with the reasoning, "Well, if every teen girl in the world loves it, it can't be THAT bad!"
March 9th, 2010 at 11:03 pmLIES!! ALL LIES!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!!
the books said that the vamp powers work on bella only if its physically related. Mentally, no they dont. which confirms my theory that bella has no mind whatsoever
March 9th, 2010 at 11:05 pmAll u twilight haters can screw off. the drama in the movies totally crush schindlers list. the action sequence makes saving private ryan and 300 look like childs play. i read the first book and it will replace huck finn as the next american classic. schools will study in-depth the intricacies and marvels of this saga. high school english class will replace the works of shakespeare with this book…
ok ok, in case any of u cant tell, im seriously joking here and using my favorite movies and books as comparisons. damn stephanie meyer for appealing to my wifes chick fantasies and making me see this piece of teenage crap.
April 22nd, 2010 at 3:51 pmI should think you'd have something better to do than criticize a BLOG. If you don't like it, don't read it. How many posts have you read, anyway? Who's the one with the creepy online hobby? Maybe you're a little bit jealous that you can't make a living off of the same exact thing as Rod. :)
May 1st, 2010 at 11:46 pmI have something in my eye-to-mind process used while I am reading feel something akin to a broken glass crunching underfoot every time that I am reading across a webpage and I "step" upon a misused apostrophe. It's just always been this anal-retentive thing with me. But I sheepishly cop to not having known about the situation with dates. I've been perpetuating this upon the internet– for 14 years? Duh. /facepalm.
May 5th, 2010 at 5:04 pmThanks for the heads-up.
Let's hope that we women at large aren't that easily influenced in our life decisions by an hour-and-a-half movie about sparkling vampires. :P
July 3rd, 2010 at 3:25 pmyou have just rocked my world! i am so fucking sick of the crap they are trying to shove down our throats with this rubbish. i can't believe how degrading, stalkery and all around creepy these book/movie series are. and i am so sick and tired of the prancing, talentless freaks that are in it! they think just because a bunch of mindless tweens and their creepy cougar mothers are screaming their names that they have actual talent. get a life you freaks and fuck off out of ours!
rod = amazing
July 5th, 2010 at 11:54 am