The Abridged Script
KATE BECKINSALE (V/O)
Forget what you think you know, vampires exist. My name is Blade... Shit, I think I have the wrong script. Give me a second.
(sifts through pile of “hero wears leather or long coat” vampire action scripts)
Abraham Lincoln, I Am Legend, Priest, Daybreakers, Van Helsing-- whoops, already did that one...
(checks between the couch cushions)
Cirque du Freak, BloodRayne, Blade Trinity, Dracula Untold, Ultraviolet, ooh a quarter...
(checks the trash can)
Ah! Here it is!
CUE: Clips from the past UNDERWORLD films that you probably watched on TBS three years ago but don’t really remember what happened in which film.
KATE BECKINSALE (V/O)
Back in 2003 before everybody hated The Matrix, I starred in a stylistic ripoff as a sexy vampire in a skin tight leather fetish suit with no zippers, and I was good at it. Then there was a sequel where Scott Speedman had sex with my belly button. Then there was a prequel starring an actress nobody remembers. Now here we are.
EXT. BLUE TINTED DOCKS
Humans discover that vampires and werewolves are real and immediately start GENOCIDING them.
Luckily I’m a super strong day-walking vamp because I drank an old timey grandpa vamp two movies ago. Now, to find my boyfriend Scott and get the hell out of Dodge. Scott? Where are you? Scott?
KATE squints and sees a SCOTT SPEEDMAN-SHAPED FIGURE standing reaaaally far away so you can’t get a good look at how UN-SCOTT SPEEDMAN-LIKE his face is.
Oh no! A government kill squad is attacking Scott, forcing him to transformed into a Were-Smurf! I must rescue him!
But the SCOTT-MANNEQUIN is shot with a WRITTEN OUT BULLET and falls into the bay. KATE dives in to save him but the kill squad hits the bay with a POPSICLE GRENADE.
INT. BLUE TINTED VILLAIN LAB - YEARS LATER
KATE has been imprisoned inside a huge ICE CUBE.
They say most of your brain shuts down in cyrosleep... all but the primitive side... the animal sid-- FUCK! I got the wrong script again!
(breaks out of her ice tray)
Ah, I see whoever held me captive made sure to have my dominatrix costume washed and waiting for me!
It takes her at least 20 MINUTES to put all that shit on before evil villain STEPHEN REA notices she’s free.
We sure will boss! We’ll have Kate back in the ice box in two shakes of a lambs... Boss?
(already left the building)
(being shot at)
STOP IT guys! I can’t win the Comic-Con Masquerade award with holes in my costume! Grrr! Active Risky Business finishing move!
She slides across the floor in SLOW MOTION which somehow KILLS EVERYONE.
KATE escapes the lab and lands onto a truck. The GOON DRIVER SHOOTS HER in the FOREHEAD.
Welp, movie’s over I guess. Goodnight folks. Please be sure to put your garbage in the bin on your way out of the theater, don’t just stuff it in the cup holders, that’s a dick move, and drive safel- AAAAHHHHH!!!!!
KATE heals and the bullet spits out of her head like bad chewing gum because she is WOLVERINE now.
She also gets TELEPATHIC VISIONS because she’s JEAN GREY too.
That must be Scott! I’m coming honeykins!
KATE goes to see evil lab tech WES BENTLEY. She questions him by DANGLING HIM OUT A WINDOW.
You’re having visions because you share brain waves with the other subject we were holding at the evil lab whom the audience is led to believe is Scott, now let me go! WAIT NO FUCK--
(becomes car roof pizza)
KATE follows her visions to some tunnels and runs into fellow bloodsucker THEO JAMES.
No thanks, I already have a bland love interest.
No no, I’m part of a vampire coven that managed to survive the purge. We may be divergent, but we’re also insurgent and allegiant!
Wow, we sure shoehorned that joke in there. I suppose you can tag along while I look for the wax figure that’s supposed to be Scott Speedman’s character. Surely he’s the one beaming his Twitch feed directly into my brain!
KATE’s visions lead her to INDIA EISLEY.
Oh no! They’ve turned Scott into a little girl! We’ll never have belly button sex again!
No you idiot, I’m your daughter. I’m half vampire, half Smurfwolf. I’ll prove it.
(rips a werewolf’s head open like a bag of Doriots)
She’s mine all right.
INT. UNDERGROUND LANNISTER COVEN (AS SEEN THROUGH THE “COOL” INSTAGRAM FILTER)
THEO introduces KATE to his vampire gang led by his daddy CHARLES DANCE.
Kate I hate you, your monster daughter, and your ridiculous corset. Get out of my cave.
But father! Kate’s a super-powerful BDSM vamp! She can help us win the fight against the humans! We need to support the vampire struggle!
Stop pretending to be woke, Theo! My coven has only survived this long by hiding like a bunch of pathetic pansy-ass cowards.
Whoa, you two have a terrible parent-child relationship. Speaking of which I had better check in on my new teenage daughter.
(is cutting herself)
I am a terrible mother.
It’s cool, I can heal fast. Now excuse me while I go get a tongue piercing and learn how to twerk while taking a selfie with a smug sense of entitlement. #Yolo #VampLife #Blessed
Charles was right, you really are a monster.
Suddenly a gang of WEREWOLVES ATTACK and WRECK all the Anne Rice posers!
KATE faces off against the HUGE ASS MEGA WEREWOLF, KRIS HOLDEN-RIED.
Wait, does this mean Underworld and Lost Girl share a universe?
No, it just means you can always tell when an American movie is shot in Canada because they always use the same 20 actors in everything.
KATE tries to shoot, stab, hang, crush, explode and dismember KRIS, but he heals instantly.
I see your Wolverine powers and RAISE you Origins-Deadpool powers!
KRIS throws KATE around a bit and punches her upper lip, PARALYZING IT. BOTOX had nothing to do with it. To suggest otherwise would be MEAN. Then he buries her under some wood planks.
I’m sure that killed her. No need to inspect her body and confirm her death. Later fools!
Why did all the werewolves leave when they were clearly mopping the floor with us?
Because I handed over India.
In other words you pussied out like a pussy. Way to help out a fellow vampire you traitor!
BITCH I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU! I had like 40 vampire drinking buddies before I met you and now I have negative 40 vampire drinking buddies! Even my son Theo was killed!
KATE reaches inside THEO’s chest and squeezes his heart back to life!
So... I guess that means I have Neo powers too??
ALL THE OTHER DEAD VAMPIRES
Hey Kate do us next!
INT. COBALT TINTED POLICE STATION
KATE seeks help from detective MICHAEL EALY who has been investigating all the KILLINGS.
My dead wife was a vampire so I sympathize with you. Turns out Stephen Rea and his team of scientists are all werewolves who used their evil corporation of evil to exterminate the vampires while experimenting with your blood to give themselves advanced vamp healing factor.
If they manage to steal India’s super-duper advanced healing factor they’ll be unstoppable! Time for me to mercilessly kill all those wolf assholes with hyper stylized violence!
So are we just ignoring the fact the reason the werewolves are doing this is because the vampires enslaved them in the prequel movie, making them the victims and you guys the villains?
Yes, we are completely ignoring the shit out of that.
INT. STEPHEN REA’S EVIL VILLAIN LAB OF EVIL
STEPHEN is about to extract the ULTRA HEALING FACTOR from INDIA when KATE arrives and starts wrecking all the low-level WERE-MOOKS.
Remember in the first movie how I iconically shot a hole through the floor? Well I do that again here, but in reverse, and with an elevator.
The nostalgia of that scene forces STEPHEN to try and escape the building with INDIA but KATE stops him.
Kris! Now would be a good time to get angry!
That’s my secret, Stephen. I’m always angry.
(transforms into UBER-WEREWOLF)
(punches a Chitauri leviathan)
KRIS tosses KATE around a bit instead of just WISHBONING HER IN HALF for some reason.
Meanwhile MICHAEL and INDIA are getting their asses kicked by WERE-STEPHEN.
Surprise! I’m here to help! I brought a shotgun and... Yeah, just a single shotgun. To fight off dozens of were-mooks. Who handed my ass to me in spades last time we fought. But CERTAINLY I will be the one to rescue India and kill Stephen to justify bringing me back to life for the final boss fight!
Too late, I already turned into emo-were-vamp and ripped Stephen’s throat out. You snooze you lose Theo.
You WHAT? Why the hell didn’t I inject myself with the insta-heal formula?!?!?
Meanwhile KATE tricks UBER-KRIS into transforming back into REGULAR KRIS long enough to stuff some silver grenades into his stomach.
Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate up-- GODDAMNIT!! Wrong script again! How does this keep happening?!
Now to reunite with Scott! A sort of realistic looking puppet of him was being held captive inside a giant refrigerator that I set to defrost before the big fight! We can finally start being one big happy family!
Dad thawed out and ditched us the first chance he got.
THAT FUCKING DEADBEAT!
KATE sues SCOTT for child support.