Van Helsing's home improvement projects have always been on the dangerous side.


Van Helsing's home improvement projects have always been on the dangerous side.

VAN HELSING

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. BELLTOWER

HUGH JACKMAN enters a dark belltower, ready to kick some MONSTER ASS. CGI MR. HYDE enters, looking obviously computer generated and setting an appropriately low standard for the rest of the film.

CGI MR. HYDE

Har har har! I am Mr. Hyde, the first in a series of monsters from early black-and-white-era Universal Studios films.

HUGH JACKMAN

Actually, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde was the property of MGM, not Universal. Your appearance is entirely inconsistent with the purpose of the film. That's why I'm here to kill you.

HUGH totally KILLS SOME GUY IN A GREEN SUIT THAT LATER GETS TURNED INTO MR. HYDE IN POST PRODUCTION. HUGH returns to the VATICAN.

INT. CHURCH - VATICAN CITY

HUGH enters and speaks with RANDOM PRIEST GUY. They press a button and go to the base of SECRET UNDERGROUND RELIGIOUS OPERATIONS.

HUGH JACKMAN

Why is Hollywood convinced that, under the surface, Catholicism is actually really cool and full of ass-kicking? Why can't they accept that it's just as lame as it seems?

RANDOM PRIEST GUY

Hugh, that's not the only mistake Hollywood is making. It appears that Universal Studios wants to breathe life into all of their old monsters because it worked for The Mummy. We must not allow them to succeed - if they do, there's no telling what other old films they'll want to crap up next.

HUGH JACKMAN

Great, I'll go to Transylvania and kill the monsters with my irresistible blend of deadpan seriousness and wisecracking humor.

RANDOM PRIEST GUY

Actually, we're assigning you an irritating sidekick who will be in charge of all of the comic relief. If you could just be as boring as possible, that'd be great.

DAVID WENHAM

I'm a bumbling idiot, but I also make cool weapons, one of which you'll actually use.

HUGH JACKMAN

(sighing)

Where's my paycheck?

EXT. TRANSYLVANIA

HUGH and DAVID enter a town. Everyone HATES them. Suddenly, KATE BECKINSALE approaches.

KATE BECKINSALE

(ridiculous accent)

We don't like strangers around here. Go away.

HUGH JACKMAN

Kate Beckinsale? Weren't you in Underworld, too?

KATE BECKINSALE

(ridiculous accent)

Yeah, I'm really trying to corner the 'deadly female character in a crappy movie full of CGI werewolves and CGI vampires' market.

HUGH JACKMAN

I understand, I'm cornering the 'wisecracking butt-kicking hero character that doesn't remember his own origin story and has to flesh it out over a series of sequels' market.

Suddenly, THREE EVIL FLYING VAMPIRES attack the town, though poor editing makes it seem like there may be FOUR or FIVE of them. HUGH JACKMAN fires three thousand arrows, killing one of them and becomes a HERO.

KATE BECKINSALE

(ridiculous accent)

Oooh, I like the way you use outrageously powerful weapons to gain an tremendous advantage over enemies and then barely overcome them anyway.

HUGH JACKMAN

Thanks, baby.

KATE BECKINSALE

(ridiculous accent)

Let's kill Richard Roxburgh. He is using Werewolves to do his dirty work, but he really needs Frankenstein's Monster in order to bring life to his unborn vampire children.

HUGH JACKMAN

I'm ready. I've been playing Nintendo nonstop for months.

KATE BECKINSALE

You will encounter many perils on your quest, Hugh. Watch out for skeletons, flying medusa heads, zombies, and those little purple things that look like frogs. Remember, you may be tempted to pick up the dagger power-up, but the boomerang is much cooler. Oh, and hearts don't add to your life meter, they just give you more uses of your secondary weapon.

HUGH JACKMAN

That's totally weak.

KATE BECKINSALE

Seriously.

HUGH fights MONSTERS for a while, then leaves TRANSYLVANIA with FRANKENSTEIN, but then has to just come RIGHT BACK.

HUGH JACKMAN

I've been bitten by a werewolf. At the stroke of midnight, I'll become one permanently.

KATE BECKINSALE

That's okay, I found the cocktail napkin with the screenplay on it. It turns out, Richard Roxburgh can be killed by werewolves, so he keeps an antidote around in case one turns on him. So the plan is, you kill him, then use it, but you have to do it before midnight. He keeps the antidote in a locked room on the other side of his castle.

HUGH JACKMAN

Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me that a werewolf is the only thing that can kill him, and he keeps the anti-werewolf cure on the other side of his castle, where he can't possibly get to it in time if he needed it? If this is the absolute only thing that can kill him, wouldn't he keep it on him at all times?

(pause)

And another thing, what fucking good does it do if it won't work after midnight? So, what, he's safe as long as the werewolf turns on him the first day? Werewolf decides to go nuts on day two, Dracula's fucked?

KATE BECKINSALE

Just turn into a stupid CGI werewolf and have a cartoon battle sequence, okay?

He tracks down RICHARD ROXBURGH.

RICHARD ROXBURGH

Hello, Hugh Jackman. I'm surprised you had trouble finding me - my brides and I seem to think that the louder we are, the better we are acting.

HUGH JACKMAN

(yawning)

Time to die, you pompous-looking, nonthreatening loser.

Suddenly, RICHARD ROXBURGH reveals a TOTALLY SHOCKING PLOT TWIST THAT FILM CRITICS HAVE BEEN ASKED NOT TO GIVE AWAY.

HUGH JACKMAN

Wow, that was the most pedestrian and unimportant plot twist in the history of film. That literally had no impact on anything at all, I can't believe this shitty movie is so convinced people are going to care.

They FIGHT. RICHARD ROXBURGH DIES, along with 132 minutes of YOUR LIFE.

END

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