The Abridged Script
EXT. THE CITY -- PRESENT DAY -- CORNER OF GLOOM AND EXPOSITION STREETS
AARON ECKHART (V/O)
My story begins back in 1818, when Mary Shelley first created me. Over the following two centuries I've been adapted and re-envisioned by everybody from Dean Koontz to Mel Brooks, until finally Kevin Grevioux realized my true destiny was to star in a graphic-novel retread of Underworld. All of which leads us to this movie: a lethargic, shambling, crudely stitched-together composite of hacked-up HEY I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.
EXT. FLASHBACK -- 1818
AARON ECKHART (V/O)
Like in Shelley's book I murdered Victor's wife, but he croaked before I could kill him too. However in THIS version, instead of sacrificing myself on a tragic funeral pyre, I resolve to someday buy a hoodie.
AARON goes to bury VICTOR but is attacked by
WEREWOLVES DEMONS and knocked out! Luckily, a pair of VAMPIRES GARGOYLES save him!! CAITLIN STASEY (the GIRLGOYLE) examines AARON while MAHESH JADU (the GUYGOYLE) stands around triumphantly wiping his blade, as guys do.
It's alive. It's alive.
Yes, we'll do our best to shit all over EVERY known version of this story before we're done.
The GARGOYLES take AARON to their secret hideout which is a CATHEDRAL COVERED IN GARGOYLES.
(flying in plain view)
Don't mind us, normal humans! Go about your business!
INT. CATHEDRAL -- 1818
AARON is brought before head gargoyle MIRANDA OTTO and her trusted general JAI COURTNEY.
Welcome Aaron. We are actually beings from Heaven, and we can only be killed by creatures without souls, which is why God chose us to fight the soulless demons.
Hey, Aaron is a soulless creature too. As a big burly dude, I vote we kill him!
Well as a wise scrawny female, I think we should show mercy.
I see that drawing fresh and original characters is not really a thing in this universe. At least in my case, Shelley already gave me depth and nuance. Unless, of course, you're going to ditch all that, and make me a completely generic action lead with only slightly unusual weapons to distinguish me.
Here, Aaron, have these slightly unusual weapons! We don't want them ourselves because they suck. Honestly, why did we even make these stupid things, they suck so hard. Please take them before I puke all over myself. To think we wasted so much time adding carvings and ornamental silver to such crappy piece of shit weapons, I could just-
Next, we should seamlessly transition to the present day, so that we can save money on sets and costumes.
I got this.
So then I left and then hundreds of years of fuck all happened and then I came back.
INT. LABORATORY -- PRESENT DAY
Science-coat-wearer YVONNE STRAHOVSKI switches on her prototype RAT-VIVICATION MACHINE!
Can I quickly point out that rather than simply trying to reanimate a dead rat, I've actually gone and pieced together a bunch of different dead rats, COMPLETE with old-timey 1800s-style giant stitching, for no goddamn reason at all? Thanks.
The experiment FAILS just as she is joined by demon overlord
BILL NIGHY WELL SHIT IT IS LITERALLY BILL NIGHY, GUESS THAT REALLY CLINCHES THE WHOLE "UNDERWORLD" VIBE
...yeah. Anyway Yvonne, any luck yet? After all you are the foremost expert on reanimation.
Yes, despite being just over 30 years old I am the top scientist in this field, if you can even HAVE a field of something with no record of ever having happened. And since Hollywood can't ever believe a young blonde girl can be smart, I've added a British accent for counterbalance. TL;DR, I ain't got shit.
Pardon me my Lord, but Aaron Eckhart has returned to The City. He may be in league with the gargoyles whom we are at war with, and is it just me or does "Demons vs. Gargoyles" sound like some kind of fifth expansion pack?
Excellent work. See if you can follow him back to the gargoyles' secret hideout which I'll remind you is a HUGE BUILDING COVERED IN GARGOYLES.
INT. CHAPEL OF OUR LADY OF BEING PERPETUALLY COVERED IN GARGOYLES
Crap, demons are attacking! But I guess they can't enter holy ground or something, which is why your secret hideout is so painfully not secret?
Um, no, they can totally waltz right in and fuck us up. Don't worry though, me and Caitlin will sacrifice ourselves to save you!
But you two are almost remotely interesting, which is more than the rest of us put together have managed! C'mon!
Sorry Aaron! We must perish and ascend to Heaven, never to return! Yes, we came to Earth from Heaven before, but we can't simply do it again because
MAHESH gets fragged too! But JAI COURTNEY steps forward and grabs THREE WEAPONS that interconnect to become ONE WEAPON and shit that was close, he almost had THREE WEAPONS.
WE'VE GOT THE DEMONS ON THE RUN! EVERYBODY CHASE AFTER THEM! LEAVE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE ELSE UNGUARDED AND GO MADLY CHASING AFTER THE REMAINING VISIBLE DEMONS!! ESPECIALLY MIRANDA OTTO OUR LEADER, BE SURE TO NEGLECT HER!!
INT. OLD THEATRE OF THE TYPE THAT ALWAYS, ALWAYS, WINDS UP BEING AN EVIL HIDEOUT
Attention demons! I'll trade you Victor Frankenstein's journal for Miranda Otto.
Isn't that just Mary Shelley's book, though? I think it came preloaded on my Kindle.
Well it should be, but we've switched it so that instead Victor was carrying around his detailed scientific notes. Even though he'd renounced his creature and was trying to destroy it and everything about it.
Hm, how do I know that back in the 1800s, you didn't buy a bunch of blank notebooks and fill them with FAKE scientific notes, in case we ever demanded them in trade?
Holy fuck we TOTALLY should have done that. Whoops.
JAI trades the JOURNAL for MIRANDA OTTO and they and KEVIN all leave.
Now that this scene is over I can do some gratuitous fighting! Raarrrgh!
(nobody fucking cares)
INT. BACK AT THE CATHEDRAL
JAI and MIRANDA, having travelled in complete silence from the THEATRE, begin discussing their next move.
It was risky giving up the journal, but now that you're free, you can summon Archangel reinforcements, right? Then we can kick all the demon ass we want!
That's what I said before, yes. So here I go! Prepare to suck holy vengeance, douchebags!
(checks CGI budget)
...oh, maybe not. Fuck it, you grab some snacks, I'll set up a board game or something.
INT. WORKING AT THE LAB, LATE ONE NIGHT
Under BILL'S watchful eye, YVONNE examines VICTOR'S JOURNAL.
My God, he used 3000 volts, whereas I like some spooge-dribbling hillbilly only used 2500 volts! That solves everything! Because making major scientific breakthroughs is exactly like finding the perfectly balanced cake recipe.
Meanwhile, AARON breaks in and finds a HUGE SUBTERRANEAN CHAMBER OF CORPSES because city planners and underground municipal infrastructure can SUCK BIG HAIRY BALLS. Since it is obviously key to the demons' plans, he LEAVES IT ALONE and continues.
(bursting into lab)
It's no use Aaron, we have you surrounded and backed into a corner! A corner with an enormous window in it, granted, but don't get any ideas.
(jumps through window)
Damn, he's escaped. May as well call it a day. Everyone can go home early!
What, we can leave? I thought I spent 24 hours a day in this dimly lit lab since I've never been seen anywhere else.
EXT. THE CITY - CORNER OF TEDIOUS AND MONOCHROMATIC
YVONNE heads home, unaware she is being followed by KEVIN. But AARON confronts him!
You'll never defeat me Aaron! I'm the guy who wrote the graphic novel, remember?
YOU created this pathetic version of me?!? Goddamn what is WITH you fucking hacks, I was totally happy being the central figure in a work of classic literature! That was FINE. But that wasn't enough for you, was it?!? NOOOO, everybody's gotta do their sequel or reboot or spoof or children's fucking breakfast cereal! Well FUCK YOU ALL!!!
Shit, I was kind of hoping killing him would extinguish this whole reality.
INT. GRUNGY WAREHOUSEY PLACE
AARON and YVONNE take refuge in the DULLEST room they can find.
You're wounded, I guess? Let me help "patch you up", hardy har har.
Very well... Witness the full horror of my grotesque form! I was sown together from a dozen corpses who miraculously all had the same bodily proportions and skin tone. And who, when put together, become Aaron Eckhart. Seriously, we have 300 CGI gargoyles but we couldn't make one of my arms longer than the other, or something?
And may I say, that's pretty healthy-looking hair for a guy who's been dead 200 years.
Y'know, it's funny how we've retconned a bunch of things to make you an action hero, but kept the wife-killing part.
That's because I'll TOTES redeem myself when I, er, do that thing later.
Guess we should move the plot forward. But how? Ooh, I could use my super-smarts to devise a plan to fool Bill Nighy. Or bring the cops to his underground death cavern. Or summon the help of the online scientific community...
Who the fuck am I kidding.
INT. REPUBLIC OF GARGOYLE
MIRANDA OTTO and JAI COURTNEY wrap up their leisurely game of TERRA MYSTICA and prepare to rejoin the story.
I've changed my mind, we should kill Aaron. We can't let the secret of reanimation fall into the demons' hands!
But, that already happened... oh, fine.
JAI flies off and finds AARON! They FIGHT!
Fuck you Aaron! We're destroying every trace of you before it's too late, even though it already is!!
Ha, well, I burnt my journal! Which I guess is what YOU wanted, so, um, take that? But wait a sec, since I have no soul, I can kill you!
And since you agreed to star in this shitfest, you clearly have no brain. Lose the heart and you'll be a one-man Land of Oz.
AARON dispatches JAI, then leads the remaining GARGOYLES to the DEMON LAB BUILDING! They FIGHT!
Aww yeah, a big huge battle where everyone either "ascends" or "descends" into blurs of light when they die! We get swords and killing with no blood or gore whatsoever, it's the ultimate in PG-13 carnage! OHHHH BABY
(ejaculates own kidneys)
INT. BACK IN THE LAB, WHERE OUR EYES BEHOLD AN EERIE SIGHT
BILL NIGHY THE DEMON GUY
You'll never stop me Aaron! Now that I have a stockpile of living corpses with no soul, my demon army can possess them!
So wait, if you need reanimated corpses for demons to inhabit, how did you all get here in the first place?
Because fuck off, that's how! And what's more, we're going to possess you too!
Hey wait, you failed! So now I do have a soul! Even though when I killed Jai, I didn't. I must have redeemed myself with the heroic acts of starting a huge fight and then walking in here! Yeah that totally makes up for murdering Victor's wife plus basically SLAYING AN ANGEL like ten minutes ago.
Dammit! Well even with a soul, you can't kill me unless you can somehow make the elaborate demon-killing symbol which is like three lines crossing another line and you could do just by frowning real hard.
AARON kills BILL which of course leads to BUILDING GO BIG BOOM BUT HEROES ESCAPE JUST IN TIME as it ALWAYS FUCKING DOES.
EXT. THE CITY -- CORNER OF FRANCHISE AND KEEP DREAMING BUDDY
Now it is I... who will guard The City with my gravelly Batman voice. I... who will take my father's name. I... FRANKENSTEIN!
Because ultimately, the whole point of this sorry fucking mess has been to stick it to that guy who's always "Er, excuse me, but actually Frankenstein is the name of the SCIENTIST, NOT the monster". WELL NOW IT'S MY NAME TOO ASSHOLE, so EAT MY BIG ROTTING CORPSE DICK.
Wait, is that really why we slogged through 92 minutes of this crap?
Fuck that fucking guy.